Cultural differences

(13 Posts)
Bambi21 Thu 04-Apr-13 00:35:54

Hi.
I need some advise!
I have been with a muslim British born Bengali guy for 6 years and he has spoken about marriage and children and our life together for about 5years now we are both only 22/23, I was introduced to his family a 4years ago but as his sisters friend. I am very close friends with his sister but his mama still thinks I am just sisters friend, his other brothers/sisters know I am with their brother but his older sister pretends she doesn't know. I am wanting to move forward with our life together as we cannot live together until we are married! But I feel the strain on our relationship as normal relationships the guys parents know u as the girlfriend! I love my boyfriend more than he could imagine and would do anything to have a "normal" relationship with him as he is all I want, when I bring this up he gets a little annoyed and says he told me it would be hard and take a while, I think maybe its taking a little to long now and I am giving up hope of a serious relationship with him as it is causing me to be mad with him and argue over stupid little things and I hate myself for being this way!
Could anybody please give me some help,
My family love him but are not aware his mama doesn't know he is with me as Ino they would not understand as my friends don't they are all with white partners and have children or engaged and don't understand the cultural differences.
Please if someone could offer me any advise I would be so grateful! Thanks

DrSeuss Thu 04-Apr-13 14:30:38

I think to be accepted as his wife you would need to convert. He has done something which his faith does not allow, having a girlfriend. My British Muslim friend would be horrified if her son did that. It really is just not acceptable in this culture and I doubt he will acknowledge you to his family unless you do convert. At present, he seems to be having a great time. His family are happy, he has a girlfriend who loves him, he's doing fine!

honey you need to take a deep breath and run as far as you can.

1) because you are far too young to have been in a relationship for 5 years and consider this as the end of the road for you.

2) regardless of the massive cultural pb, it would be naive to think you can spend the rest of your life in blissful matrimony since you are already arguing about petty things…he is too young too.

3) you are not Desi and never ever will be seen as anything but a "comfort girl" by his family.

I feel really awful posting this, but I think the reason you came here is to hear straight talking. I cant deliver it cruder than this.

giveitago Mon 15-Apr-13 21:45:38

It sounds too complicated to be a normal couple. You're not saying your faithful to islam right now so it would be a sacrifice for you to convert. Only convert if you mean it.

I married a man outside my beliefs and culture.. I didn't need to convert but it was huge mission to get a dispensation and I'm forever being told about it since. It's difficult. Particularly now kids are involved.

You are who you are and your partner is who he is. If there is no common ground then anyone who crosses that line for the sake of peace or family relations is onto a loser I'm afraid.

tinks2844 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:16:56

my husband is Muslim and we have a daughter together, from my experience it is very hard and his family still do not accept me for who i am. Unless you are a revert i think you will find it very difficult especially when you decide to have children. My husband loves me but also wants to please his family (which being with me does not as i am the wrong culture and not Muslim)
it puts tremendous pressure on your relationship trust me and has made me very very unhappy at times , im not saying dont do it i just want you to go in with your eyes open i was in similar situation to you and thought that once they saw i was nice person and made him happy they would accept me but the religion and culture thing is a big thing and we see things very very differently they are not open to change and believe that me and my child should live their way of life.

giveitago Mon 01-Jul-13 14:16:02

It won't work.

I say this a middle aged woman of english and Indian origin and it did work.

From what you've said, a generation younger than me - it really won't.

Multiculturalisms means both partiies working together. Your's is not. I do know because I'm from ango asian background with no issues, I'm now married to an Italian and it's not working.

Both parties need to understand - not just one.

Agree wit tinks. Not from my side, but from my dh's. I'm In my country (gb and anglo asian) and I've lost my culture. Not great for me - not great for ds.

giveitago Mon 01-Jul-13 14:18:01

and one day I'll have enough time to type properly!

Sweetsandchocolate Wed 24-Jul-13 23:43:08

I disagree with al your comments! My DH was banned from his family home, ostracized from his community, for having a white girlfriend. it was destroying him and I didn't want him to choose between me or his family. so I asked him what I could do to help and he said by being Muslim, but that it was my journey to make and my decision. I joined a new Muslim group at the local mosque, had some Bengali lessons, and I was so happy and content I converted. my FIL wouldn't come to our wedding but a month after, he invited me round and it was like nothing had happened. yes the cultural differences are a pain in the backside but you know what, whoever you fall in love with and spend your life with, it's never plain sailing, it's always up and down. I've just had to cater for 24 of us for iftar (breaking fast in Ramadan) and when I think back to 10 years ago, I see how much I've grown. we have 3 DC and we're still happy alhumdulilah.

my advice would be to seek out support from the Muslim community; join a new Muslim circle, meet some sisters and inshallah everything will start to fall into place xx

mumblechum1 Wed 24-Jul-13 23:47:51

Why does it have to be the OP who has to change to suit his family? Maybe if her DP values the relationship he should prioritise it and if his family don't like it they can lump it.

Sweetsandchocolate Thu 25-Jul-13 08:57:58

But that's their culture and religion. Asking him to change is asking him to leave his family. It's giving him an ultimatum of his DP or his family.

Sweetsandchocolate Thu 25-Jul-13 09:01:51

Plus his family haven't done anything wrong, they sound like they are very welcoming of OP regardless of if they know she's in a relationship or not.

Chopstheduck Thu 25-Jul-13 09:07:54

6 years is a long time for him to have still not really made any commitment towards your relationship, and I'm leaning towards what laptopweildingharpy said.

I'm married to an Indian man, it took a loooong time to really be accepted by his family. Some are more accepting than others, I get on very well with his gran, but some other family feel that I have taken him away from them and resent me deep down.

My DH had to be prepared to face the risk of losing his family when he took the step of committing to being with me, and it doesn't sound like your bf is prepared to do that.

chickensaladagain Thu 25-Jul-13 09:16:16

I dated a Jewish man from 18-21

His friends all knew about me and met me
His brother also met me and was welcoming -to a point
I met his parents a number of times at social events but was never introduced as 'the girlfriend'

I wanted to move our relationship on at the end of uni, we were making decisions about jobs,where to live etc and I needed to know where I stood

He said that while he loved me, his family was more important to him in the long term. Conversion would not be recognised as I was female and any children we had would not be accepted as Jewish as their mother wasn't born into the faith

He wanted to keep things the way we were, I walked away

He was married 18 months later to the daughter of some of his parent's friends

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