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Multicultural families

IS MY FIL RACIST OR SHOULD I GET A SENSE OF HUMOUR?

76 replies

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 26/03/2006 19:57

Since me and my DH 1st got together, my FIL used to call me a Paki. When he stopped that after we had a strong word with him, he began on my religion-making comments about how "my lot blow themselves up". He'd also try to imitate our call to prayer and just generally take the piss. I'm a Pakistani Muslim and my DH is White.
Once we were in Nandos and there were 2 girls wearing headscarves sitting near us. He started commenting on how that should be banned like in France and they shouldn't be allowed to wear stuff like that in public. We were in an asian restaurant and a man with his young children was eating with his hands. My FIL started saying loudly (he's not capable of saying anything quietly), that the man was a pig and it was disgusting that he eat with his hands. I explained that I do, and my family do aswell-he insisted that's what pigs do and that it was uncivilised!!! Me and my DH had a go at him and thought that was the end of it.
In the past, whenever he'd said anything to me I would try to ignore it and get upset once he'd gone. My DH assured me that his father did it because he genuinely thought he was being funny. He said that if he says anything to me, retaliate by taking the piss about the fact he's mediterrean-which I did once or twice, although I hated stooping to his level and he still never stopped-it just used to escalate.
Today he came round and we were all winding each other up and there was a bit of harmless banter. Then he started on the fact that "my lot" in Pakistan wear the Burkah which covers all the face but the eyes. He started gesturing with his hands and pretending he was wearing one. I told him he was a racist and he realised I was being serious. He then stormed off-told my DH never to call him again and said if you can't take insults back, don't give them. I told him that I'd not said anything personal against him and definately not anything racist. He said he'd never come back to our house and I said (as I showed him the door and slammed it after him) that people who make racist or ignorant comments aren't welcome!!!

My DH still insists that his dad just has a poor sense of humour but supports me enough to say that without an apology to us, he'll not see our dd as he won't allow racist comments being said around us. Have I over-reacted? The guy is actually quite nice sometimes but seems to (just when things are going well) end up saying something racist, or comment on the fact that I look pregnant again (which he knows pisses me off). I spoke to my MIL about it before and she said she'd have a word with him-not sure if she did.

What would you have done? Have I overreacted? Should I be feeling guilty about this, because I do Sad

OP posts:
TearsBeforeBedtime · 26/03/2006 19:59

No, I don't think you have overreacted, I think you have been extraordinarily tolerant of constant needling and bullying.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 26/03/2006 20:00

Racist Pig at worse, ill mannered pup at best.

Sorry you are so upset.

edam · 26/03/2006 20:01

no, don't think you have over-reacted. Think he's an ill-mannered prejudiced boorish pig and you have been remarkably generous to him. He failed to respond to kindness. So maybe he needs bringing up sharpish.

NotQuiteCockney · 26/03/2006 20:01

He sounds horrible, I'm surprised you've managed to put up with him so far.

He sounds racist, and also like a not-very-nice person. I don't think you've overreacted. I would not want my children to hear that sort of rubbish, either. (I'm white, as is DH. But I still wouldn't want them to think that sort of talk was normal or acceptable.)

essvee · 26/03/2006 20:02

You should not feel guilty - it sounds as though your FIL has a very old fashioned view. Doesn't sound as though he means to be unpleasant but is just thoughtless about how you and his ds must feel. It will be hard to get him to see how badly he is behaving but you should not be expected to put up with this - I'm afraid it's probably up to your dh to do something about it. Would family counselling be a possibility?

MadameDeMars · 26/03/2006 20:02

No you haven't overreacted. You have held yourself with great dignity. It's not funny at all in any sense of the word.

I remember someone having a go at me for eating using my hands and I told them where to go. But that is by the by (I feel myself ready to digress).

I'm glad that your DH is supporting you.

I would say more but things like this make me angry... especially when the implication is that we harbour chips on our shoulders for not finding this stuff funny.

Tinker · 26/03/2006 20:03

Good god, think you've underreacted - what a horrible sounding man. Angry

Mercy · 26/03/2006 20:03

Racist - too many people use the excuse that they are joking, you've got a chip on your shoulder blah blah blah.

You have not over-reacted imo, your FIL is obviously an ignorant man.

Angry on your behalf

jampots · 26/03/2006 20:05

frigging hell balamory - he's the pig not you.

Remind him that there's a reason his son didnt choose someone of his race because his dad sets a very bad example.

You didnt overreact AT ALL.

My friend's ds was getting grief from a boy at school and his dad told him to say "My dad's Italian and he's got a gun" Shock so possibly worth using his fears to your advantage :)

glitterfairy · 26/03/2006 20:06

No you havent been intolerant he has and it is not at all funny to call you a paki! He needs to grow up!

donnie · 26/03/2006 20:08

this man is clearly racist and has subjected you and others to the most insulting and unacceptable of comments. You have not overreacted and he MUST apologise.Really sorry he is so vile but your dh sounds like a decent bloke and , even though he is in a difficilt situation ( being caught in the middle) is supporting you.
Really hope this situ improves.

Mytwopenceworth · 26/03/2006 20:08

I think he is EXTREMELY racist. Furthmore, I don't believe for a second that he is joking when he says these things to you. Vile bullies say hurtful things and when you complain, they say "I was joking" and accuse you of having no sense of humour.

He is racist and what is more, he is a coward for trying to pretend he is joking and a bully because he is setting out to try to belittle, humiliate and hurt you.

Even if he grovelled on his knees, I wouldn't give him houseroom. His poison needs to be kept as far away from your child as possible. - can you imagine the 'funny jokes' he could make to her?

tillykins · 26/03/2006 20:13

not just racist but all sorts of ists

He just sounds like an overbearing bully, who is afraid of anything different that he doesn't understand and so responds by mocking and attacking

Sad little man syndrome


I agree, you shouldn't be subjected to this - any of it, not just the racism, (intended or otherwise) and your daughter shouldn't be exposed to these sort of attitudes from a close family member

Perhaps your husband can speak to his mum and see if there is a way forward; it would be a shame to fragment your family over ignorance from a man who can be "quite nice"

Halzer · 26/03/2006 20:13

Blimey Balamory...
Dont feel guitly!You certainly havent over-reacted! This man is an arse!!
I dont think he is being thoughtless at all. If so, he would have realised his mistake when you first pulled him up about it. But he seems to insist on going on about it.
How did your inlaws react when you got hitched? Maybe inside, he isnt happy about the two of you being together and is trying to annoy you to make himself feel better?
Its good to hear that your hubby is supporting you.
Hopefully your FIL will realise how rude he has been and will apologise to you!

brimfull · 26/03/2006 20:15

I think you're a saint for putting up with this racist git for so long.

He's ignorant and needs to be taught a lesson,but unfortunately these sort of people are usually too far gone to be changed.

Caligula · 26/03/2006 20:18

He sounds absolutely vile. Racist, bully, and general all-round tosser imo. You have absolutely no need whatsoever to feel guilty, he's trying to invent a scenario where he's in the right and you're in the wrong because that's what ghastly people like this do.

batters · 26/03/2006 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 26/03/2006 20:26

What an appalling oaf of a man.
It sounds like you have been quiet for faaaar too long.

Arse!!

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 27/03/2006 04:11

The 1st thing that FIL has done when he's got home is shit-stir between us and my MIL. Comments which we totally harmless when 1st said have become malicious in an attempt to detract from how he behaved when he came to our house.

1st things MIL has done is call us and say she doesn't think anyone will ever be meeting up again because of the things we'd (apparently) said about her.

We explained what had actually happened and what was said-not sure what will come of it now-just have to wait and see. Sad

OP posts:
harrisey · 27/03/2006 04:26

balamory - just wanted to add my voice to those who think FIL is racist. Now sounds like he also a stirrer and just hope you can sort things out with MIL - thinking of you all xxx

threebob · 27/03/2006 06:27

A racist bully - no doubt about it. How dare he. Well done for showing him the door.

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 27/03/2006 09:36

suggestions as to what to do next would be appreciated!!! Told MIL what was and what wasn't said yesterday, what should be the next move?

OP posts:
TearsBeforeBedtime · 27/03/2006 09:39

I would leave the dust to settle, and do nothing atm, and if you've not had any contact for a week or so, then get your DH to have a chat with MIL. it's a very awkward situation, as MIL may not feel able to admit to herself that her husband is lying to her/bullying you, or may feel obliged to take her husband's side.

flutterbee · 27/03/2006 09:46

in your "friendly banter" before the big outburst (by the racist pig) what was actually said.

NomDePlume · 27/03/2006 09:47

No, your FIL is racist, you haven't over-reacted and you shouldn't be feeling guilty. Well done to you for making it clear that attitudes like his are not welcome in your home.

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