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Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Multicultural families

So Nervous!!!

29 replies

Kelly1978 · 11/03/2006 17:55

I'm sitting here waiting for dp to bring his bro back. Dp is indian and I am white, we've been together three years. We have twins nearly a year old, but I've never met his family and they haven't met the boys. They disapprove of the relationship. His brother didn't really have a problem but family pressures etc etc. I'm really nervous as they will all be asking him questions and this is a first step is getting to know the rest of his family. I've got a HUGE glass of wine, dinner all prepped and keepign everythign crossed!

OP posts:
Boopert · 11/03/2006 17:59

Good luck Kelly!
Its a shame you have to feel like this in this day....
Let us all know how you get on. x

Flip · 11/03/2006 17:59

Don't know what to say but I hope everything goes well. Just don't get to drunk and say anything you'll regret. Good luck and I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Kelly1978 · 11/03/2006 18:02

me, drunk? Hic! Grin

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moondog · 11/03/2006 18:35

Gosh,it is a big day!
Hope it goes well.
My sister was in a similar situation but it all turned out fine and everyone gets on and loves the children which is all that matters.
Yes,lay off the drink!!
Smile

Leesmom · 11/03/2006 22:39

Good Luck Kelly!

milward · 11/03/2006 22:41

Hope everything went well xxx

Kelly1978 · 11/03/2006 23:14

hello everyone,
dp has just left to drive dp home. I was tipsy but hopefully not too drunk and it seemed to go well. Dp has jsut left to drive him home. His bro seemed charming, broguht me pressies too! Just a case of wait and see what he tells the rest of the family now!
I'm so glad now at least I've met one of them and got the worst of it out of the way.

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 11/03/2006 23:16

DP has jst left to drive his bro home. I'm so tired! Blush

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moondog · 11/03/2006 23:40

Pressies is a very good sign!
Still,remembe that if they want to know their grandchildren,they have to be nice to you,so don't forget that it's not all about you pleasing them.
Here's hoping the thaw has started!

MarsLady · 11/03/2006 23:42

it sounds like it went well. You never told us any of this on the d'you ever thread! tsk tsk!!!!!!!! Wink

Glad it went okay. I'm sure that the rest of the family will love you too!

Kelly1978 · 11/03/2006 23:51

moondog, I hoPe you are right!

I think ti went well, he said I was nice, and he liked my cooking (took some home). Grin

It was all rather last minute tbh, we were supposed to be going out but couldn't make it then I invited him here not expecting him toO aCCept!

I was then thinking about posting mars, but didnt think it v relevant Grin Blush
btw just fin first tma Shock Grin Hope urs is goin ok!

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MarsLady · 12/03/2006 00:03

Well done! Am just starting my second, cos I got a bit behind!

Flip · 12/03/2006 08:30

Well done. Glad it all went well and that you weren't to drunk!

WickedViperWitch · 12/03/2006 08:45

Hi Kelly. I was in a similar ish situation: ex dh and I met at work (he's British Indian, Gujarati), had a relationship, I got pregnant, we moved in together, he told his parents he was living with a friend from work (true but pushing it!) and then when I was 8mos pregnant he told his mum he a. had a girlfriend who b. was white and c. was 8mos pregnant. They went mad for a while but when we got married 3 months later all the women in the family came although the men didn't as they sided with dh's father, who was still very anti us. BUT the whole family came round and accepted me within a couple of months, absolutely.

There's a sad and a happy ending to my story, the sad bit is that he and I married when ds was 3mos old but separated when he was 2. BUT it had nothing to do with his family/cultural differences, we just basically weren't compatible. The happy bit is that he and I are still friends and I have an excellent relationship with him and his family: I stayed with his mum and dad in London for 6 months recently when I was working away; his mum and sister came to stay with us last weekend and I remarried and have dh2 (feels weird referring to dh2 but ykwim!) and dd, who is 2.4. Ds is now 8 and sees his father every other weekend. Ex dh and dh talk on the phone independently of me (about Ps2 games and techy stuff) and while they're not quite mates ex dh collects ds every other Friday and stays a good hour talking to us and having a coffee before he takes ds off for the weekend.

So, it can be done, good luck, I hope they come round. This sounds like a very positive first step to me.

WickedViperWitch · 12/03/2006 08:48

And I got married in a sari!

Kelly1978 · 12/03/2006 12:37

Thats a really positive story to hear, even though things didn't work out between you and ur xh, it's great that you get on so well with his family now. My dp is also british/gujarati. It seems that gujaratis are particularly against mixed relationships.

My pg was unexpected, and they found out when they got fed up with him spending every weekend with me and gave him an ultimatum - me or them! He told them me, and explained I was pg. They hit the roof and assumed I had done it to trap him. It's been slow progress since then really. We had a great evenign though and we're looking forward to doing it again, so it's looking more optimistic.

My family aren't speakign to me, and live 200 miles away anyway, so I miss doing family things. It sounds sad, but it was so nice having company and someone else to cook for!

OP posts:
stitch · 12/03/2006 12:39

well, kelly, ive met you, and i think you are lovely. any family would be lucky to have you in it. asian, or white. doesnt matter.

motherinferior · 12/03/2006 12:39

Oh, Kelly, good luck.


My bet is that if you're clear - as you are - that you want to be together, they'll come round eventually. It is very tough, and I do sympathise (my grandfather didn't want my Indian mother to marry my white dad, and sadly died before I was born - they did hope a baby would improve things). But you are doing absolutely the right things. Good luck.

stitch · 12/03/2006 12:41

why arent your family speaking to you?

Kelly1978 · 12/03/2006 12:58

thanks stitch Blush


My parents stopped speakign to me at xmas - it all rather stupid really. Sad They were supposed to see us in dec, but pulled out at the last min. We had bed bugs, which had been treated, but as usual they were worried about themselves and so didn't come. Dissapointed the kids, who didnt get their xmas pressies. Annoyed me and dp who had been shopping for their presents (glass which couldn't be posted) and getting food prepared etc. We didn't say much about it except that we were dissapointed. I didn't get chance to get to the PO to post their cards. They got in a mood about it, said so over the phone on xmas day. I said I would post them when the PO reopened, but I never got round to it. I tired texting and calling for new year and got ignored, and they haven't called me since neither. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?

To be honest, I don't think my mother was ever taht keen on dp. She is a bit racist - the first thing she said was if I had kids with him I would end up with a right mixture. She doesn't have a lot of tolerance for anythign different, so that has caused a bit of strain. I think she blames him for me moving all this way with the kids too, ad she misses them. They are difficult at the best of times, never babysat or visited us even when I was 5 mins away, but I think she resents that the option was taken away. Plus I used to visit her weekly. We have tried to make an effort - even took the kids up there for a week last year so they can see them etc. Dad was more understanding and likes dp, but he does as he is told! Grin


They have fallen out with most of their families (cept one aunt), and are very reclusive anyway. They are suffocatingly close to each other and don't really have time for anyone else except their dogs.

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 12/03/2006 13:00

mi, I hoped the boys would help them come round too, but it's takign a lot longer than I ever thought it would. I imagine it must have been very hard for your grandfather, you expect people to be more tolerant nowadays.

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elmie · 12/03/2006 14:43

Dear Kelly1978, I sure you will be fine!
I, myself, am in mixed relationship with a white man and i am Indian. And we have two boys (9yrs+5yrs). My family have never meet my partner, partly, because I left home on bad terms, at 19yrs. But I manged to fit things with my famliy (exp- DAD, don't talk, my choice) . They have not meet my partner, at the moment he does not want to meet them because of the way they treated me when I was at my parents home. Everythings fine now, and myself and the boys vist my parents on a regular baiscs. My partner does not mind. My mum does ask me about him but I don't say much.
The main thing is that the boys are happy and my younger brothers are happy seeing my our boys, 2-3 times a months. My dad loves my boys and thats the mean alot to me!!
Asia familys just need time to ajust, thats all!!! you will be fine. you sound like a lovely person and I am sure they will see that. And when they see your boys the will fall in love with them. Asia familys loves kids!!!!

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Kelly1978 · 12/03/2006 15:59

thanks elmie. Smile I hope one day your partner and family can get along too. It is hard being in the middle.
dp's brother called earlier saying he was v tired as he hadn't gone to bed til gone 12.30, and he had to work early in the morning. His family were prob questioning him! I think they would have liked to have met our kids earlier on, but didn't want to see me or my kids. (I have two older children by my exh), and they have found that difficult to deal with too. I think that is one of the main problems now. But hopefully we are getting there.
I didn't want dp taking the boys there without me as I was worried we would be stuck in this situation forever, as they would have no reason to meet me at all!

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Nikkinoo · 12/03/2006 16:49

Hello Kelly.

Mixed raced children are gorgeous..... Imyself am a right mixture!!! My 3 kids are all dark skinned and all have my sickle cell trait.

As long as you and DP are happy. Know what you mean about insensitive racist remarks. My MIL would use the phrase N***er brown. In front of me.

Thats just how some people are.
Good Luck

Kelly1978 · 14/03/2006 12:51

its a shame soem ppl still think like that. I think my mum is jsut clueless really. She was embarassing to go out with, she really was. She lives in an area that was almost completely white and she would visit us when we were in Croydon and say about all the 'coloured' people etc. There was no point in even discussing it - in one ear and out the other! Angry


Mixed race kids are def gorgeous tho. Grin I have one dt who has taken more after his father's side, very asian looking with lovely thick dark hair, and the other looks more like my family, but with a tan and beautiful brown eyes. Smile People are forever askign if they are twins, they are very different.

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