WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

(164 Posts)
ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:54

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. sad . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

wafflyversatile Mon 02-Jun-14 23:24:49

Sorry for your loss. Of course you are not unreasonable. Even if she was your bf or sister it would not be unreasonable.

I hope she is understanding.

Famzilla Mon 02-Jun-14 23:27:28

I am so sorry about your MC. Any decent person would never expect you to be a bridesmaid or even attend the wedding at such a horrible time. Sending some big unmumsnetty hugs to you.

No, not unreasonable at all. Sorry for your loss. If your friend is unsympathetic then she is a twat.

AlpacaYourThings Mon 02-Jun-14 23:33:59

So sorry for your loss. I had a MC in April, there is no way I could have faced being a bridesmaid. YADNBU.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 02-Jun-14 23:34:38

sorry for your loss. not unreasonable. shame you had to use facebook, but as that was the only way...


gimcrack Mon 02-Jun-14 23:35:12

Not at all unreasonable. You need to rest, relax and spend time with your partner.

You cannot be someone's bridesmaid if there's a possibility you may still
be bleeding from a miscarriage on the day. That is a practical point and she would need to be nuts to take issue with this.

As per above, you'd be perfectly entitled to give the whole thing a miss if you don't feel up to it. I hope your friend is reasonable. thanks

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 02-Jun-14 23:37:13

So sorry for your loss. It is understandable that you don't feel up to it, and not at all unreasonable of you to resign your duties.
Please be kind to yourself, you need to just concentrate on you and your DH right now.
Take care ((hugs)) x

Why on earth are they having a big, presumably costly, wedding (six bms?) if they are hiding from debt collectors?

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope your friend has a more reasonable attitude to you than she does to other people's money.

Beavie Mon 02-Jun-14 23:40:59

Yanbu, I had a mc in October, I bled for a month and was exhausted and drained the whole time, and then was ill for the next 6 months with every lurgy going, it completely took it out of me.

You need to rest as much as you can. Sorry for your loss.

ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:50:25

Thanks for opinions. I didn't think I was BU but judgement is all over the place at the moment. She didn't speak to me for a few days after I didn't go to her hen weekend (2 hours on a train from where we live!) as I had horrendous morning sickness that lasted all day, which is why I'm a bit nervous about this.

Thanks for the well wishes everyone, its very hard but taking each day at a time. Luckily we've got our perfect 3 year old DS to keep us smiling.

Eleanor don't even get me started on this!! And yes, hugely expensive wedding in a fancy barn conversion. I do believe most has been paid for with credit cards angry

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Mon 02-Jun-14 23:51:10

I could of wrote this myself, I just lost my baby at 24+4 weeks, but mil is still making me be bridesmaid to dp sisters wedding. Really don't want to do it, mil has been so awful not letting family members see me etc so the first time I'm going is on the wedding day, I just know they are going to mention the baby and of course I'll get upset, but she doesn't care one jot

ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:54:26

So sorry for your loss prisoner. Just don't go! She can't force you xx

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 02-Jun-14 23:54:37

Prisoner do you live with your MiL, is that why she has stopped people seeing you? I've been there (with a later loss) and the first time you see people is often excactly as you describe.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 02-Jun-14 23:56:42

Sorry, ots, wasn't trying to hijack. You have been through a lot, both physically and emtionally and YDWNBU not to go through with being a BM.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Tue 03-Jun-14 00:05:15

Sorry really didn't mean to hijack, just hit a nerve. Mil pretty much runs the family, everything goes though her, even things like aunts/cousins etc we have just recently moved so family have been asking her for our address to drop off flowers cards or just to pop in, she turned round saying that SHE doesn't want anything like that happening and told them all no. With me being bridesmaid she is putting great pressure on my DP who just isn't with it just yet, he's grieving and she's going on at him.

OTS Don't go, really just look after yourself ((hugs))

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:34:25

Thanks, I want to go to the service if I feel up to it! But I know I can't go through with being a bridesmaid. I'm worried she'll be angry as there are 6 of us, but 3 pairs of matching dresses if that makes sense, so the 5th bm will now look odd! Unless she can find a stand in in my size! Oh well! As I say, we're not really close anymore, and to be honest, this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:41:36

Yanbu....sounds like you are all for show bridesmaids anyway if that makes sense.... as you don't seem to be in touch much. Also if she was a true friend you wouldn't even be posting or worrying about it because she WOULD understand without question.

I'm so sorry for your loss thanks

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:43:19

Prisoner that's disgusting behaviour on your Mil part....surely the bride would understand full stop.

I'm so so sorry.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 03-Jun-14 07:43:50

Even if you were extremely close, you should not be expected to go and be BM so soon after a MC.

I had a MNC at eleven weeks and whilst emotionally I started to reciver after a week, I was in physical pain forat least three - heat pads on all day, alternating p'cetmol and brufen as well as hot water bottles on my aching legs.

Look after yourself. Make the ceremony if you can, but dont think on it if you cant. Hope you feel ok soon x

Booboostoo Tue 03-Jun-14 07:44:15

Of course YANBU. I am very sorry for your loss, take care of yourself.

Oh prisoner I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like you are having a truly awful time. Perhaps your DH has to stand up to his DM and not back down even if she strops.

5madthings Tue 03-Jun-14 07:44:24

Yanbu and prisoner I cannot believe your mil, what a vile woman. Do not be bridesmaid if you don't want to!

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:46:38

I can't believe how some people are so worried about show and pomp ....they would expect a bereaved mother to shut up and put up. I'm so angry on your behalf prisoner....I know your Dh is grieving but he needs to back you up here!

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:53:17

Thanks, I want to go to the service if I feel up to it! But I know I can't go through with being a bridesmaid. I'm worried she'll be angry as there are 6 of us, but 3 pairs of matching dresses if that makes sense, so the 5th bm will now look odd! Unless she can find a stand in in my size! Oh well! As I say, we're not really close anymore, and to be honest, this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:55:11

Sorry not sure how I reposted the same post confused

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 07:59:39

Of course yanbu.

You don't think you'll be able to do it & that's that!

And prisoner-don't you dare go!

Mrsjayy Tue 03-Jun-14 08:00:55

Oh lovey im sorry for your loss just tell her you cant do it

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:01:05

Also, when I told her last Wednesday about my mmc, she of course was really sad for me, but then followed itup with "at least you weweren't further along" as if that means it hurts any less! And then "there was probably something wrong with it so its better this way" again, that in no way helps us! angry

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 08:03:37

Oh I'm afraid I wouldn't be bothering at all then.

I thought that that was the sort of patronising crap that only my GPs generation & possibly my parents would have come out with.
(I'm 50)

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:04:29

Oh and, I had told her I was going into hospital yesterday for ERPC, she knew how worried I was about it, yet didnt wish me luck before, didn't message to say she's thinking about me, and hasn't asked how it went since. I know she's got a lot on her mind with the wedding, but how many minutes does it take to let someone close to you know that you are thinking of them!

Mrsjayy Tue 03-Jun-14 08:10:17

Oh god why do people think its ok to say that I wouldn't do it if I wasnt up to it just tell her you cant manage she will probably be huffy about it but thats not your problem

Hoppinggreen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:12:02

Something similar happened to me but i wasn't a bridesmaid.
I was put under pressure to go and I did but it was a very bad choice, especially since the Bride was pg and the vicar talked about how babies complete families etc!
I got through the ceremony and went for the meal, where as soon as I walked in someone I hardly knew came and congratulated me on my pregnancy ( DH's Aunt had decided to tell her friend and then forgot to tell her that I was no longer pregnant)
We left shortly after the meal but it was probably one of the hardest days of my life.
Look after yourself and do what's right for you - I'm aftaid that unless The Bride has been through a mc she is unlikely to understand.

Tinkerball Tue 03-Jun-14 08:18:14

Prisoner what does your DP say about it?

OP It sounds like you are preparing yourself for her being pissed off, if so please dont take it to heart. It all sounds for show anyway.

MrsMaturin Tue 03-Jun-14 08:22:34

OP - from what you say about the bride I think she is going to be pissed off about this. She just doesn't sound like she has the sensitivity to remember it's NOT all about her.
I wouldn't go to the wedding at all tbh. I don't think it will be helpful to you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:34:31

Oh you poor love thanks

Just tell her, anyone decent will understand completely and if she doesn't well, stuff her!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:35:35

You could tell her 'the consultant told me I have to rest' if you think she will try and pressure you.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:35:44

That's what DH says Mrs, he thinks we should stay away from the whole thing. But they don't really get on anyway, mainly due to her letting me down many times in the past. I just feel sad if it comes to that, we were so so close. She was my bridesmaid (back when we were close), we've been on holiday together twice as teenagers, and she even lived with me and my parents for a while when her parents split up.

We started to drift apart when we had children, I'm not sure why to be honest. But still stayed in touch things just haven't been the same.

I think she will be pissed off, judging by how she acted when I didn't go to her hen night. I hope she will understand but if not this will definitely be the end of our friendship sad

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:36:03

I wouldn't go at all.

meditrina Tue 03-Jun-14 08:51:03

You might want to think about whether you attend at all. Because people will notice if you are there and not a bridesmaid, and that might lead to conversations you'd rather not face.

I hope it goes as easily as it can for you thanks

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 08:58:04

Just forget about her and the wedding. Don't give any of it a second thought!! Focus on rest and recovery and coming to terms with your loss.

Big deal , five BMs instead of six. Not.

Look after yourself and take all the time you need. Forget about people demanding anything from you! So very sorry for your loss thanks

And prisoner don't even think about going either. Your MIL is a vile human being. thanks for you to.

Truly sorry about your baby.

pianodoodle Tue 03-Jun-14 09:17:38

I think I would have made the decision not to go after she didn't speak to you for not being able to do the hen night.

She sounds very self absorbed so if you do get a frosty response don't feel guilty.

Hope you have lots of rest and support x

AllAboveBroad Tue 03-Jun-14 09:17:56

So sorry for you OP. I would send the bride and groom to be some flowers and a note explaining you are withdrawing completely due to medical advice but that you wish them well etc. It's a little more personal than facebook was and such a kind gesture from you might bring the bride over herself. I think most brides get tunnel vision before a wedding so her judgement may be off too. Xx

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 09:21:00

I've also had a mmc and those awful crass comments are so typical of things people said to me sad

I am so sorry you lost your baby, ots and want to send you some thanks and best wishes for a smooth recovery from the ERPC. IME a lot of people just don't realise how major an ERPC is and it took me ten days just to recover from the anaesthetic.

I think your DH is right - you should miss the wedding and just message her a day before saying you are so sorry but you are still needing heavily and feeling very nauseous so you won't be able to come, sorry and all the best for her big day.

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 09:24:01

I think the pp suggestion to say 'in medical advice' as you've been asked to have bed rest is a very good one.

Btw I had a friend whose hen night I couldn't go to due to ms and she couldn't have been kinder about it. Very selfish of your friend to be miffed.

Meeeep Tue 03-Jun-14 09:25:24

First off sorry for your loss. It's a terrible experience to have and unfortunately people who have not suffered do not think about what is coming out their mouths and how rude and hurtful it can be. I received some of the same comments when I found out at 12 weeks my first baby had died 6. Try not to let the comments get to you a lot of the time it is peoples extremely clumsy and misguided attempt at comfort.

If your friend doesn't understand why you don't want to be bridesmaid quite honestly she's a friend not worth bothering about.


UsedtobeFeckless Tue 03-Jun-14 09:30:10

So sorry.

My second pregnancy ended at 9 weeks and I only found out at the scan that the baby was dead. It was a horrible time.

Don't go to the wedding. If the bride doesn't understand and gets the hump then she's an insensative git and you're better off without her cluttering up your life. You need to take care of yourself now and a proper friend will absolutely understand that.

Good luck.

PomeralLights Tue 03-Jun-14 09:39:23

Of course YADNBU. You poor thing, it is a terrible thing to happen at any stage.
If she hasn't been through a miscarriage she may honestly not know / understand that it's possible to bleed for so long. I certainly wouldn't have had any idea when I got married. Obvs you don't have to explain your symptoms in detail to her hut it might help her understand if you specifically point out you WILL (don't bother with might) be bleeding heavily in a pale coloured dress, so apart from anything else, you don't want to ruin her pictures.
I know that sounds like I'm being heartless to your suffering but all the girls I've known who've been 2 weeks from a wedding haven't been able to properly absorb anything happening to the people around them.

I'm sure she will be a bit put out not having three matching pairs, but equally she will find a way around it. You shouldn't feel under pressure at this difficult time and you'll probably find that by the time the wedding was a month ago she'll be much more reasonable about the whole thing. It's just a shame she won't be there for you as a friend right now sad I hope you have other close friends who aren't involved in the wedding who can be there for you

NorksEnormous Tue 03-Jun-14 09:52:28

Yanbu at all, do what's best for you. Personally I wouldn't even go to the service. I have had a miscarriage and the amount of times I was told 'maybe it's for the best' afterwards was shocking- people are so insensitive!

AllAboveBroad Tue 03-Jun-14 10:02:05

And to be honest OP I bet only the bride would even notice her bridesmaids don't "pair". All the little details she is obsessed with now will most likely be missed on the day by most people!

OddFodd Tue 03-Jun-14 10:19:00

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. I think the bedrest advice and sending flowers is a good idea. I don't know if you'll feel up to being at a wedding and being all bright and breezy in a couple of weeks - I certainly wasn't.

Your friend also sounds pretty insensitive. Some people can be crashingly cruel about miscarriage - I'm afraid I fell out with a longterm friend after mine because she told me I should get over it and I was 'milking it' when I was grieving on what would have been my due date.

I'm so sorry for your loss thanks

ViviPru Tue 03-Jun-14 10:37:57

When I was planning my wedding I would be mortified to think a friend of mine was agonising over this on my behalf. I've never been in your circumstances or anything even close to that but I can empathise and would be immensely sympathetic, even in my bride-haze.

Some people can be dicks though and while you most definitely NBU, don't be surprised if she is a total cow about it.

Ourma Tue 03-Jun-14 11:46:22

OP I think you should be prepared for her to very selfish, considering she didn't offer to let you step down as bridesmaid when you told her about the mmc. If it was me who was getting married and a bridesmaid told me this, my first response would have been to say, you do not need to come to the wedding never mind be BM unless you want to. So the fact she didn't says a lot. Don't even think about her though if she does. You need to look after yourself. I hate people who think their wedding is more important than everything going on in everyone else's lives! Hugs

dannyboyle Tue 03-Jun-14 11:57:33

Depends a bit on how close you are to her and how you feel. I've ha to erpcs following two mmc at 12 weeks. It is tough, horrible etv but life does need to carry on. I say this as someone who was bridesmaid to friend and did reading the day after an ERPC 5 hours away. It did help to know that life carried on and those who knew were very supportive inc bride and groom so perhaps different circumstances.

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 11:59:33

danny, not everyone copes the same way, though or is affected physically in the same way. I was very ill after my ERPC and didn't leave the house for over a week.

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 12:00:27

And it is lovely that you were able to be at the wedding and your friends were so kind and supportive - they need to tell the op's friend how it is done!!

Topaz25 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:03:26

Sorry for your loss. Of course YANBU, you need time to recover physically and emotionally. A real friend would understand.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 12:19:02

Thanks for all your lovely messages. You've made me well up a bit.

It's been 4 hours since she read the message, and has been online loads since and still hasn't replied. That tells me everything I need to know. She's sulking, she's pissed off with me. And she still hasn't even said "ots how do you feel?" sad .

I wish I would be able to feel strong enough to go, and hats off to you danny you must be very brave. I think if we were closer, and she was more understanding, if she's even asked how I was, it would make a bit of a difference. Right now this wedding is the last thing I need to be stressing over.

Of course I may feel fine on the day, but if I don't then I can't let her down at the last minute. At least this way she has time to get someone else to do it if she still wants 3 pairs of bridesmaids.

I think I'm going to decide what to do based on her reply (if she ever bothers to reply)

specialsubject Tue 03-Jun-14 12:37:44

so sorry for you, OP.

she may just be trying to think of what to say - at least I hope that is the case. But you know her best, and if you think she is sulking, then waste no more time on her.

I wish you all the best and better times.

Aqualegia Tue 03-Jun-14 12:45:57

OP - I am getting married in less than 2 weeks, so when I saw your first line I had a terrible sinking feeling that it might be a friend of mine. Not that we're really doing that stuff, but ... anyway ... if it helps at all, the sinking feeling was horror that anyone would feel so guilty about my wedding day! If you feel dreadful (and I've just gone through what you have, so I imagine it's very similar - totally shit, in other words), of course you can't go. And sod the symmetry. People are more important than symmetry, surely!

Wishing you better x

The sinking feeling

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 13:04:15

Well unless she pulls something out of the hat pdq, she doesn't deserve for you to make the effort & go.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 03-Jun-14 13:19:47

I don't think I'd even want to go to the service if I was in your position.

You and your DH are going through something absolutely heartbreaking at the moment. She's given you absolutely no support and the only comments she's made have been thoughtless and hurtful. On top of that, you'll have to deal with her sulking because you haven't fitted in with her plans.

Be kind to yourself. You don't need to put yourself through what promises to be, at best, an uncomfortable and awkward day.

Trillions Tue 03-Jun-14 13:20:00

Sorry for your loss flowers

You're not unreasonable to have pulled out but it might have been better to message her something like "urgently need to speak to you, please ring me or tell me what time I can call you" so you could tell her on the phone rather than in a FB message.

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 14:05:38

To be honest Trillions, when I had my mmc my head was all over the place and I didn't manage to tell people verbally. A true friend would understand that if someone has just lost their baby, with the shock that a mmc entails and also undergone surgery under general anaesthetic that they may not be up to speaking.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 15:04:59

Well still no reply and she's been online for the past hour. I'm hoping this means she's trying to decide what to say, but after the way she acted about her hen night I'm not so sure.

Trillions under normal circumstances I would definitely have tried to speak to her on the phone. However I try to avoid conflicts at the best of times, and I know I wouldn't be able to cope if we had an argument. In a message, if she gets funny at least I would be able to compose myself before replying. I just don't feel strong enough for any sort of a row yet.

wafflyversatile Tue 03-Jun-14 15:52:57

Well, she's bound to be disappointed. Maybe she just wants to compose herself to make sure her disappointment doesn't show through more than sympathy.

That said between the matching bm dresses and mention of hen night maybe not.

If she gets in a strop about it, that's her look out. You've done nothing wrong.

Meeeep Tue 03-Jun-14 15:56:15

OP I know it's easier said than done but stop worrying about it.

It's an absolutely horrendous thing to go through and if your friend really cannot understand why you feel unable to be part of the wedding she is not a friend worth having. You have done what you can and quite honestly your main focus has to be you right now. thanks

Summerblaze Tue 03-Jun-14 16:31:11

Of course yanbu. You should do what you feel you can manage. Everyone is different in the way they cope with things.

I have had 2 mmc followed by erpc. Both mine were at xmas so i kept all my plans and felt that it helped to carry on with life. I was devastated and heartbroken but i would have stayed at home and been a mess. I always felt worse at home. All my friends and family knew about it and were supportive.

This is, however, how i dealt with it. We are not all the same. If your friend is a friend she will understand. If not, she is no friend.

Sorry for your loss. Xx

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 18:52:44

Sorry to hear lots of your stories of mmc. Its such a horrible thing to go through.
aqua sorry to hear you have gone through it recently, but good luck for your wedding. It will give you something to smile about smile .
waffly I'm really hoping that's the case, but its been hours now since she's seen it so the possibility of that is getting smaller and smaller!

I'll let you all know if she replies.

Igggi Tue 03-Jun-14 19:01:04

Well if she doesn't reply there's your answer. She is minimising your experience, I think, since she hasn't even asked how you are.
I don't think you should go to the wedding at all, if you are at the service but not a bm then you will be asked questions, if you are just not there then can just say you're ill or have had surgery.

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 19:10:35

OP please don't stress over this. If she is a good person then that is the last thing she would want. If she is U then more reason for you not to fret as she isn't worth it.

That she thinks enough of you to make you her bridesmaid but not enough to let you know she is thinking of you is odd though. She sounds selfish and that her wedding is all about appearances.

dancinggerald Tue 03-Jun-14 19:44:21

I had a MMC a few years ago. I missed a Grandparent's 90th Birthday a few days later, and being Godmother to my best friend's child two weeks later, I just couldn't go and felt awful about it. My friend was more than understanding, Grandparent not so much, but they got over it. YANBU, and if she doesn't respond with concern, she isn't worth wasting a moment feeling guilty about.

ots - firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Can I ask, when you messages the bride, did you spell out exactly why you need to pull out of being her bridesmaid? In an ideal world, she should understand without needing all the details, but from what you've said here, it sound as if she needs it spelled out for her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 03-Jun-14 19:54:17

You're having a terrible time, you really need to look after yourself. I don't think you have been at all unreasonable. I'd skip the wedding entirely unless you wake up on the day and think you'd like to go.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 19:59:27

Thanks for all your replies.
SDTG Yes, I sent a rrreally long message, in which I first told her about the operation and how sad DH and I were feeling. Then I explained about the heavy bleeding, the pain, both physical and emotional. I couldn't have been any clearer.

My Facebook messenger has just told me she has started typing! Why am I so nervous!

ViviPru Tue 03-Jun-14 20:03:34

I'd be nervous too OP. We're all here holding your hand.

Holding hands here too.

You know, not that this in any way excuses it, but I think some people are just completely clueless about how painfully sad (and just plain painful) a MC can be until they experience it themselves or see it close up. Your friend is being extraordinarily insensitive. I am sorry for your loss OP flowers

mindthegap79 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:18:19

So sorry for your loss - of course YANBU.

As phoning her isn't an option, ) maybe you could follow up your message with a card or lettrr? A bit more personal than Facebook and maybe easier for you to convey to her how you're feeling.

Look after yourself, sending you a hug.

MammaTJ Tue 03-Jun-14 20:20:18

OP you have taken me back many years to when I had the same thing happen to me. Same weeks and all.

I had a lot of people saying tactless stuff too, which was horrible, but I now put it down to them really not knowing the 'right' thing to say. But that has come a long time and three babies later.

YANBU, if she cannot accept you cannot cope with being BM, SIBU! There is no way I could have coped at that stage! No way at all! All I wanted to do was curl up and die be kind to myself.

So sorry for your loss.

Meeeep Tue 03-Jun-14 20:24:57

Did you get a reply OP. If she is anything but understanding she really isn't a true friend. X

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 20:29:11

Aah, you're all being so kind, started me off again!

She started to type then stopped again and has gone offline. Grr. I'm going to forget about it and log off too! DH has just run me a bath and made me a cup of tea (love him) so going to relax and forget about her for now.

Thanks all x

Meeeep Tue 03-Jun-14 20:30:02

Good I'm glad you have someone looking after you. Take care of yourself smile

mameulah Tue 03-Jun-14 20:31:24


I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

EvaBeaversProtege Tue 03-Jun-14 21:19:57


No know it's not the same but my sister lost her daughter at a few hours old.

At a social event she couldn't avoid, a small child (primary school p2 or thereabouts) approached her and said, "you used to have a baby in your tummy & now you don't, it's in a hole in the ground."

I remember her raw tears, hurt & pain & every single photo of the day brings horrid memories.

Don't go to the wedding. Stay home & get some rest xx

Iseecows Tue 03-Jun-14 21:27:12

So sorry to hear about your loss.

Brummiegirl15 Tue 03-Jun-14 21:37:03

I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks just under 2 weeks ago, and I'm actually a bridesmaid ths weekend. However my bleeding has stopped and I'm banking on that day to distract me, but I'm also worried about my emotions as I am struggling at the moment.

However mine is also related to arseholes at work (not mc related)

However my note is - do you know all I've heard from people? "Maybe it's for the best" and that beauty "at least you weren't further along"

Why don't you fuck off to the far side of fuck off?

But no, no one can know how YOU feel - you mst do what is right for you. Big hugs xx

slithytove Tue 03-Jun-14 21:56:21

thanks sorry for all of you who have experienced baby loss xx

Here is a doozy I heard "it would have been worse if you had met her". I'd have given anything to have met her, even if we then had to lose her. I wish I knew the colour of my daughters eyes, or the sound of her cry.

People are insensitive. OP - try not to worry too much, you have done the right thing for your family and people who love you will understand that. Take whatever time you need to recover physically and emotionally.

I would consider not going to the wedding at all as there might still be an element of what should have been.

trixymalixy Tue 03-Jun-14 22:01:56

YAnBU, so sorry for your loss sad

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 07:03:53

Sorry again for all your losses xx

Woke up to a 1 line response from her saying that she is pissed off but does understand. No kisses (very unlike her) and nothing to say she hopes I'm feeling ok or anything. I think this was the best I could have hoped for.

Going to forget about it now and concentrate on getting better. My best friend is coming over today with cake as DH is back at work.

Thank you all for understanding and talking to me through all this thanks

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 07:45:21

She's not a friend OP.

She's pissed offshock, but she understandshmm-I doubt that at all!

Look after yourself.

puntasticusername Wed 04-Jun-14 07:47:30

Oh, what a dickhead she is. Every bride is allowed to get a BIT Bridezilla but this goes way beyond that! Forget her, you've done the right thing. Take care of yourself thanks

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 07:47:47

Agree ....she's no great friend to you.

Forget about it now and think of yourself. Have a nice time with your friend today and don't waste your energy on worrying about this wedding.

Thinking of you thanks

katese11 Wed 04-Jun-14 07:50:52

sad how meanspirited. I wouldn't bother even going to the wedding. A mc is a huge thing to get over. .. You need to be looking after yourself, not getting upset by other people's politics

ViviPru Wed 04-Jun-14 07:54:08

Thanks for updating OP. What a cow. You did the right thing. thanks

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 04-Jun-14 07:55:52

Well now you know. Just forget about the whole thing and move on.

Take care of yourself. She can go get married and have her panic over five bridesmaids if she wants. It's not worth a second more of your time!!

thanks be kind to yourself!

OddFodd Wed 04-Jun-14 07:56:08

Sorry you've had to find out the hard way that your old friend isn't very nice. sad

Have a love time with your bestie and eat lots of cake

BauerTime Wed 04-Jun-14 08:21:54

If she understood then she wouldn't be pissed off. She is selfish at best and an absolute arsehole at worst, so please try not to think about it any more and concentrate on yourselves and your recovery.

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 08:27:45

I would like to think that in the weeks after her wedding she will realise what a horrible cow she has been and be suitably ashamed, however I wouldn't be placing bets on it.

Forget her. You, your family, your health and mental wellbeing are what is most important right now. Focus on that.

Enjoy your time with a real friend today, it will hopefully go some way to lifting your spirits (even if it is just temporary just now)

I know it's easy to say since it's been almost 4 years since my MMC but things do get better. It's a process you have to go through and your emotions will swing from one to the other. You may even get to a point where you feel ok for a week and then something will trigger it all over again. There is no "normal" grieving process. The best advice I was given was "listen to your body and do what it's telling you".

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 08:30:52

Thank you all so much. Isn't it sad that strangers on the internet have been more kind to me than someone who has been in my life since I was 11! sad

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Wed 04-Jun-14 08:32:46

God how blinkered some people can get over bloody weddings?!

YANBU at all op. She is no friend to you I'm afraid.

PossumPoo Wed 04-Jun-14 08:34:32

OP weddings can bring out the worst in people but your last post was quite sad! I hope you start to fill better soon and enjoy your cake smile

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Wed 04-Jun-14 08:34:33

Maybe someone will point out to her what an utter bitch she is being?

I would have to reply and tell her what an selfish cow she is being.

Dukketeater Wed 04-Jun-14 08:47:12

If she hasn't had kids yet she could take it badly, that doesn't make it ok but just be warned.

Could you do it if you wore a trouser suit with a top in the right colour? That way you could be padded out and still be there for her? X

A friend's response would be, "Don't worry for a second about the wedding - just look after yourself. If you feel well enough to be there on the day, we would love to see you. Huge hugs, Your Friend".

She, on the other hand, is behaving like an insensitive arse.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 08:50:58

I'm so tempted to say something but I just don't have the energy for it. In a few weeks I'm going to tell her how it made me feel.

Dukketeater (my autocorrect tried to change that to duck eater), she has 2 toddlers. And, her sister had a MC last year so I really thought she might understand.

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 08:53:01

I don't think Op feels particularly up to 'padding herself up' for the impending wedding at the moment.

If you do decide to go I hope your 'friend' appreciates it.

Be kind to you.

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 08:53:03


I honestly don't think having children makes it easier to understand losing a child. People are very ignorant to how heartbreaking it can be, especially when it's an early loss.

The OP doesn't know how she'll be feeling at the time. It could hit her like a ton of bricks again the day before the wedding and she could be an emotional wreck. Being part of the wedding party probably isn't advisable. It's better to let her friend know now and give her time to ask someone else if she wants than to pull out the day before (although even if it had been the day before it shouldn't have mattered one jot IMO friends come first in situation like these)

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 08:58:06

Yeah, really don't feel up to doing it, but especially not in a different outfit to everyone else (the dresses are all the same style just in different colours, and are very pretty and feminine). That would make me stand out like a sore thumb, then I would get the inevitable questions.

DH thinks that after her response we should just avoid the whole thing. I'm going to see if she contacts me at all by the end of this week. If not then I think that spells the end of our friendship.

sunshinecity17 Wed 04-Jun-14 09:03:13

I have had 2 MMC although I was sent away and told to wait to miscarry!!
But 2 weeks after the event the bleeding will have all but stopped-certainly no heavier than a normal period.Most women will have gone back to work 2 weeks after a MC
It will do you good to have something else to focus on and I really don't think it is enough to stress out a friend about her big day.

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:11:09

Personally I don't think Op is 'stressing her friend out' about her 'Big day' at all.

I think everyone deals with loss differently.

Maybe Op will feel up to going to wedding or back to work in a couple of weeks. Perhaps she won't.

I certainly wouldn't put yourself under pressure Op

Think your Dh may have the right idea.

MTWTFSS Wed 04-Jun-14 09:13:02

YANBU!!! ((hugs))

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:17:49

There is a difference between going back to work and being apart of a wedding party where you will have to spend the majority of a day socialising, getting photographed, being on your feet, dancing and generally painting a smile on your face for a lot of people that you probably don't even know.

Igggi Wed 04-Jun-14 09:17:59

Sunshine city? Have you had an erpc like the OP? Then do not presume to tell her when her bleeding will stop. I'm glad you coped with your mcs and am sorry for your loss, but you really are being very insensitive.

Hoppinggreen Wed 04-Jun-14 09:18:40

Yes OP , how could you be so insensitive as to let the loss of your baby stress your friend out on her big day!!
Jeez, some people are un fucking believe able!!!
Sorry for your loss, eat chocolate, cry, sleep and whatever else takes your fancy OP but cut this selfish non friend loose, she isn't worth a second more of your time

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:19:36

Not to mention a ERPC is surgery which she will also be recovering from.

When I had mine I bled for 4 weeks straight and it was a damn sight heavier than normal periods and I had to wear maternity pads. There is no way in hell I would have felt comfortable in a dress regardless of the colour.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 04-Jun-14 09:19:46


If she pulls out now then bride can find a replace menu or whatever.

Better than leaving it til the day.

And besides why should she have to worry about making sure she's up to it. That's far to much pressure on her at such a sad time. Going to work is a necessity. A wedding with 5 other brides maids isn't. And it would just make her feel worse if she woke up in a bad way and couldn't go through with it.

A real friend wouldn't give a shit about it and would tell her to rest up and that she will visit her after honeymoon when she feels up to it.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 04-Jun-14 09:20:18

Replacement maid

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:20:29

And actually Sunshine if losing a child isn't enough to pull out of a wedding part exactly what is?

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:23:42


Don't worry about 'padding yourself up' and attending hmm

And don't worry for a second about ruining a showy wedding of some extremely insensitive bride to be. Because you won't be.

sunshinecity17 Wed 04-Jun-14 09:23:58

'if losing a child isn't enough to pull out of a wedding part exactly what is?'

please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child .

Igggi Wed 04-Jun-14 09:26:36

I have lost four babies Sunshinecity. If you want to come on here and tell me they were just cells or something, on you go, but be prepared for the reaction.
hmm angry

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 04-Jun-14 09:29:01


If you haven't got anything nice to say, or can't be a but more sensitive I suggest you stop posting.

We aren't debating terminology here, we are trying to offer someone who's feeling down right now, some support. If you can't do that then this isn't a thread you should be on
Just think.


Hoppinggreen Wed 04-Jun-14 09:30:21

The baby I lost at 12 weeks ( hate that term I didn't leave my baby on the bus or something they died) was a baby and that's that.
Anybody who thinks that losing a baby at a certain stage is better than losing it at another can fuck off to the for side of fuck to use an expression I learnt on MN!
Losing a baby or child at any point is tragic and sadly many people don't get that

OnlyLovers Wed 04-Jun-14 09:30:38

OP, I'm so sorry.

This is not a friend. No decent person would dream of saying they were 'pissed off' in response to someone who's bereaved, no matter what the circumstances. You're not missing anything by not being there or if she chooses to end your 'friendship'.

Prisoner, just don't go. What's she going to do, come and stuff you into your dress and drag you out of the house?

sunshine, I'm sorry about what you've been through. However, everyone reacts differently and if the OP doesn't feel up to it she doesn't feel up to it. And going to a wedding of someone who doesn't really seem to be much of a friend is not at all the same as going to work.

OnlyLovers Wed 04-Jun-14 09:31:34

x-posted with sunshine. 'please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child.'

Offensive AND patronising.

EchoDragon Wed 04-Jun-14 09:31:47

ots you 'friend' sounds truly thoughtless. I am currently TTC and find even getting my next period awful some months. I can't imagine how horrendous loosing a much longed for little one is. I am so sorry for your loss.

If my bridesmaid had had a loss the same as yours when I got married I would have told her sod my wedding do what you need. I can't imagine not having said anything else. I hope that in time you friend shows you more understanding and tact.

Sending you lots of hugs and love.

sunshinecity17 Wed 04-Jun-14 09:35:34

Seriously,I mean what I say
I work with a lady who's 8 yr old son collapsed and died out of the blue recently.It really upsets me that you are putting this in the same catagory as what my poor colleague is going through.An early MC is awful, but it is not the same thing as losing a child you have nurtured and loved for years and I really resent you flippantly suggesting it is.

spiderlight Wed 04-Jun-14 09:36:38

So very orry for your loss, ots. I had a MMC 18 months ago and there is no way I'd have been able to face a wedding so soon afterwards. I had to endure a big family Christmas a week later (with nobody but DH knowing - we had been planning to announce the pregnancy to everyone at Christmas) and that was bad enough, but at least then I was able to hide away in a bedroom for much of the time - no way could I have spent the day on my feet doing wedding-party in a pale dress! I'm sorry your friend hasn't been more considerate sad Look after yourself now and don't worry about anything else. <squeezes hand>

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:37:24

ots to be honest reading her response to you has made me quite cross on your behalf. Really she comes across as self indulgent and totally uncaring. How can a friend's mmc and emotional and physical health difficulties 'piss her off' - very poor. And how awful not to express proper sympathy or concern. Sadly, in our society many people (like her) have no idea about how awful mc and especially mmc and then surgery can be, both physically and emotionally sad

I'm sending you thanks and please try to forget her response and concentrate on getting better and resting.

Sun, you don't sound like you have had an ERPC - tbh that adds a whole extra dimension to recovery - surgery itself, pain post ERPC which can go on quite a long time - I was prescribed diclofenac to cope with that, bleeding and recovery from the GA. I was signed off for two weeks iirc and really was white as a sheet still when I went back. Everyone copes with mc in their own way and I can honestly say mine was one of the most traumatic events in my life - it makes me cry when I think if it even now 4 years later and I do feel I lost a baby.

whattheseithakasmean Wed 04-Jun-14 09:37:50

'please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child

I am going to support sunshine in what she wrote then hide this thread.

My healthy son died in tragic circumstances when he was a year old. It is completely different to a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks and anyone that tries to tell me otherwise is lucky and privileged because I would assume one of their children hasn't died.

I don't believe in hierarchies of grief, but, like sunshine I do think you should be sensitive with terminology about a child dying and I am not going to see a poster get a pasting for a reasonable statement.

Rebecca2014 Wed 04-Jun-14 09:38:06

it sounds like you op do not care much about her anyway by what some of your messages have said.

I do not get why people can not sympathies towards the bride? she has just under 2 weeks to find another bridesmaid who is the same size as her friend! it is just one day and who knows how you feel in 2 weeks time?

But it sounds like you do not care anyway about losing this friendship so hey ho.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 09:38:32

sunshine are you suggesting I just suck it up and get on with it? Are you suggesting I stand and pose for photos with lots of happy people with a big fake smile on my face, all the while waiting for blood to leak into my dress?
Of course an 8 week MC is not the same as losing a living child. Does that mean we loved our baby less? We had made plans for this child, we had talked about names, we had wondered whether it would have DS' crazy hair and cheeky smile. We loved our baby and ourbaby died.

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:39:12


That is truly truly devastating and I'm so sorry to hear about your friends son. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through.

No one has made any comparisons here though. We were just offering Op support.

OddFodd Wed 04-Jun-14 09:39:59

ODFOD Sunshine

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:39:59

sunshine, losing a baby or child at any age is absolutely tragic. You may not have considered your mmc as losing a baby and that is your right, but some of us do and people are entitled to grieve in their own way.

MandarinCheesecake Wed 04-Jun-14 09:39:59

Duckett if the op's friend had been a little bit more sympathetic and shown some sort of concern then maybe the op would have tried not to let her friend down.
She shouldn't be padding herself up for someone who clearly doesn't understand or care what the op is going through.

sunshine Its not only the physical aspect (yes bleeding may have stopped by then) but the emotional aspect of it is also a huge thing to deal with, grieving doesn't stop just because life goes on.

There are certain situations that trump a wedding hands down and this is one of them.

OP I think the lack of communication tells you everything you need to know. The friendship is probably over.
Concentrate on getting yourself well and give yourself time because that's all that matters. She didn't sound like much of a friend anyway so you are probably better off without her.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 04-Jun-14 09:40:58

I do not get why people can not sympathies towards the bride? she has just under 2 weeks to find another bridesmaid who is the same size as her friend! it is just one day and who knows how you feel in 2 weeks time?

My heart bleeds. There's only five other bridesmaids hmm

sunshinecity17 Wed 04-Jun-14 09:41:24

Ok well I've said my piece so I'll leave now except to ask what OFDOD means?

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:41:27

Five other ....mannequins by the sound of it.

Universal Wed 04-Jun-14 09:42:20

I'm sorry for your loss. You've had so much good advice on here there is very little I can add. I would say that weddings do strange things to brides and I know I was pretty self absorbed in hindsight. If this friend is a good friend to you and brings joy and laughter to your life then she'll see sense at some point and apologise. Keep the door open for her and I hope post wedding she sees how truly lovely you are (you come across as someone I'd want in my friendship group) and apologises for her actions.

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:45:09

Rebecca, no one needs 3 pairs of bm - I have been to weddings with 5 bm and it looked just fine. There is no real need for her to 'replace' ots.

Everyone would have sympathised with the bride, including ots I am sure, if she had been kinder. It is very difficult when people get ill but there is a pleasant way to respond and this is not it.

My DS was supposed to be a in a page boy type role for my DSis but he got a contagious illness just before the wedding. I was very apologetic to my DSis and sorry that she wouldn't have him on her photos, but all she was bothered about was whether he was ok and how his temp was doing.

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:45:48

I have never once said that losing a child once they are born is the same as having a miscarriage but she still lost a child/baby. I lost my baby, a hell of alot of women on this thread have lost babies.

You are the one who has drawn a comparison between losing a child through miscarriage and losing a child through other circumstances.

The circumstances are different, the grief is different but don't minimise the effect of losing a child to miscarriage either. Fuck off off the fucking thread if you don't like it. This is not the place for a bun fight or insensitive posts minimising miscarriage and how much it can devastate the parents.

OnlyLovers Wed 04-Jun-14 09:46:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Universal Wed 04-Jun-14 09:48:57

I posted before the if read the last few posts. You've got enough going on without people being silly on here. You just take care of yourself and your family. Until I had a mc I didn't realise the pain it caused and how hard it was to get through physically and emotionally. Channel all your energy into getting through each day and make yourself your no 1 priority. I'll not post anymore but will be thinking about you over the coming days and weeks.

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:50:28

OP keep posting as a when you need a bit of extra support. Ignore the posters who are being insensitive. There are many women on this thread who will be on hand to support you any time you need. thanks

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:50:49

Hear hear thanks

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:58:57

I agree thanks thanks

springbabydays Wed 04-Jun-14 10:17:09

OP as we get older and our lives and priorities change, our friendships sometimes change too. It can take something like this to make it clear when a particular friendship has run its course.

slithytove Wed 04-Jun-14 10:19:49

I've had a full term loss. It's only relevance to this thread is that I can understand a bit what OP and other posters are going through.

Therefore that is the only reason I'm including myself on this thread - to be as kind and supportive as I can. There is no need to compare losses, and if I felt that need, it would not be appropriate for me to post here.

OP, still thinking of you, again, you did the right thing regarding the wedding.

Perhaps request a thread move, as Aibu brings out the worst in some people despite the sensitivity of the topic thanks

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 10:22:34

Yes, it might be better to move this to the mc board - it may also give support/info to other people who have had mc and don't know what to do about social events they were intending to go to.

lljkk Wed 04-Jun-14 10:33:55

You are both going thru stressful & emotional experiences, OTS. I hope that you can salvage your friendship when all this settles down.

Ioethe Wed 04-Jun-14 10:34:47

Someone who would not understand and sympathis with my feelings in this situation is not someone I would want to stand alongside during a wedding, tbh.

You have done the right thing. Now concentrate on healing.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 10:56:37

Only just noticed these other responses.
Rebecca I care about her very much, I mentioned that we're not really close anymore, but I still really care about her, which is why I've been so worried waiting for her response. It was a really difficult thing for me to have told her I couldn't do it. You're right, who knows how I'll feel in 2 weeks time, I might be feeling fine. If I'm not though, what could I do? And what would you do? Just get on with it and do it anyway, even if you were in pain and bleeding heavily? Or would you let your friend down on the morning of her wedding, leaving her no time to find a replacement bridesmaid?

sunshine that sounds really tragic and I feel so sorry for your poor friend, and whatthe I'm so sorry for your loss. As I said I wasn't comparing an early MC with the loss of a live child, but doesn't mean that I'm not really hurting.

Thanks to all of you for lovely messages of support, I'm going to get this moved to the miscarriage board.

kali110 Wed 04-Jun-14 11:30:28

Op im so sorry for your loss.
There are some weird and utterly insensitive people on this thread, op take no notice.

SpicyPear Wed 04-Jun-14 11:40:34

So sorry for your loss and that you friend has not supported you. If I was her, I would be devastated for you and completely understand you not wanting to or feeling able to go.

NoodleOodle Wed 04-Jun-14 14:54:42

What did your friend say she was pissed off with, pissed off with the shite that life can throw at us sometimes, or pissed off with your decision, or pissed off with??

I hope you've found more comfort from these messages than your 'friend'. People still manage to surprise me in how inconsiderate, selfish, and self-absorbed they can be. Do not worry about withdrawing from BM duties, you're doing what you need to do.

I'm truly sorry for your loss and wishing you comfort and support through your grief.

The thing is, when you are planning any kind of big event, whether that's a wedding, a birthday party or a stage performance, you have to be aware of the possibility that someone may be unable to come. People get ill. or have accidents. Sometimes, invited guests are inconsiderate enough to actually die just before the ever so important event.

If you are the one whose Big Day it is, it's not unreasonable to feel a bit put out that your chief performer/best mate/person doing the catering couldn't have managed to hold off on his/her bizarre gardening accident/kid's chickenpox/hideous family crisis necessitating three fire engines and five ambulances until after your event, but you just have to suck it up, wish them well and tell them not to worry about your stuff, concentrate on their own.

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 15:21:21

The point of the wedding is to get married.

Which will happen with or without the OP.

Of course the bride's entitled to feel pissed off/put out, but to convey that to OP is bloody horrible imo.

Lariflete Wed 04-Jun-14 15:23:48

Just adding some support - I had an early mc late 2012 and it was devastating. 9 month DS currently asleep on me, but I still think about the little baby who died.
I hope you are ok. Don't worry about your 'friend'.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 15:30:11

She said "I won't say I'm not really pissed off that you're not going to be a bridesmaid, but I do understand"

Thing is, I can understand her being disappointed, I really can. But if it was my wedding and 1 of my bridesmaids had a MC 2 weeks before, I would say "don't worry if you are not up to being a bridesmaid" as soon as they told me about their MC. I wouldn't wait for them to have to say it.

Sadjules Wed 04-Jun-14 16:44:22


But I do have to say in defense of your friend, if she's never been through it herself, then she likely doesn't have a clue what you're going through; she might think it's nothing more than a bad period and that you're being melodramatic, how could you possibly be that upset, you were barely pregnant etc etc, and now you're being totally selfish and ruining her Big Day.

I say this because when my friend got married a few years ago, her sister (best man's wife) was maid of honour and nearly pulled out a few weeks before as she was having a MC. The best man had been going to announce the pregnancy in his speech, which my friend (bride) and I had been bitching about as it was totally hijacking the wedding day, how dare she... and then for the sister to even consider pulling out due to a mere mc, how selfish of her...

Just shows how little we knew about MCs. I recently miscarried at 11 weeks so now I do know, and I am amazed in hindsight that the sister showed up, looked great, smiled lots, performed all her duties etc, a mere three weeks after a MC. Three weeks after mine, I was back at work but resenting it, emotions all over the place, crying at the least thing, and still bleeding heavily and in a fair amount of pain and discomfort. Not what you want to be bringing to someone's day of celebration. Maybe your friend needs that side of it pointed out to her.

Anyway, much thanks and hugs. Hope you are ok.

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 05-Jun-14 19:08:34

At the OP's request we are going to be moving this thread to the Miscarriage board shortly.

WiIdfire Thu 05-Jun-14 22:29:17

I think you have made the right decision here, as evidenced by her reaction to you. However, I would like to offer an alternative viewpoint for anyone else in a similar position.

I found out my pregnancy was failing two days before I was due to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding. It was confirmed on the morning of the wedding. It never occurred to me not to go as I wanted her day to be really special and I had been looking forward to it for such a long time. It was a lovely ceremony and meant that what could have been the worst day of my life was instead filled with some happy memories along with the sad ones. It really helped me get through it, otherwise I would have just sat at home in tears.

Just saying don't automatically not go, it may help to go.

(I didn't think it fair to tell her what happened on her actual wedding day though, and am not looking forward to doing it when she gets back from honeymoon. I'm sure if I had though, that she would have reacted very differently from this case in the OP.)

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 06-Jun-14 07:08:49

Your friend's reaction sounds pretty poor, although largely due to the choice of "pissed off". If she hasn't shown any concern for your welfare, I'd be rethinking this friendship.

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