Night time

(29 Posts)
Treaclepie19 Sun 01-Jun-14 23:37:23

Isn't it just the most lonely time?

I have spent a lot of today crying. Tonight is no different. I don't expect any replies but need to get it out somewhere.
I keep replaying everything in my head, my chest hurts from feeling sad. I'm dreading work Tuesday.

I feel like i should be getting better now. I started to miscarry on the 17th and that was last month now.
I feel hopeless.
Sorry for the moan sad

ots Sun 01-Jun-14 23:48:39

Hi Treacle, recognise your name from the december thread. Unfortunately im now in the same boat sad .
Had a small amount of bleeding last tuesday so had a scan on wednesday. Baby had stopped growing 2 weeks ago and no heartbeat. Going into hospital tomorrow for ERPC but miscarried naturally on friday (which was the worst thing I've ever been through).

You're right, the nights are the hardest. During the day I'm kept busy with DS, but now when he and DH are sound asleep, I feel so alone. I keep replaying it all over and over again. Those words "its not good news" are on replay in my head at the moment.

There is no time limit for the grieving, I can't imagine a time when this will feel ok. Take your time to get over it treacle. Feel free to PM me any time. Hugs thanks xx

mrsjavierbardem Sun 01-Jun-14 23:50:07

Treaclepie, big hugs and empathy to you tonight. I feel for you and am so sorry for your loss. All I can say is thank God you have work to distract you, that can be a huge blessing. Grief is slow work. I would wish you to realise that your grief is entirely unique and entirely universal in a strange paradox. Losing a pregnancy is fantastically common, that doesn't reduce the pain but a few years ago mumsnet nearly single handedly got me through a very dark time after a mc I had. Keep coming here, keep letting yourself grieve, you are not alone you are part of a massive number of us who experience this hideous loss and feel no one has ever felt this before. And of course they haven't because you are unique as was your baby. It's just the worst thing I ever went through. If you feel desolate at least know that that sounds very very very normal and appropriate. Let yourself grieve in your own time. Big hugs

mrsjavierbardem Sun 01-Jun-14 23:52:42

Ots, empathy from the heart, to you too.

Treaclepie19 Sun 01-Jun-14 23:54:38

Thank you both xxx
Sorry you are here ots, so sorry for your loss.
Same to you, if you need to talk then I'm here.

I feel I am getting worse not better. Then again while I was bleeding I barely got upset. I was in too much physical pain. Now it seems just emotional.
I feel so empty. I'm just lying here crying and don't know what to do to stop it.
I'm going to the doctors tomorrow too as I think I have thrush.
Saying that though there is brown discharge today and some odd cramps so maybe I wasn't all done with the bleeding.

mrsjavierbardem Mon 02-Jun-14 00:29:24

That sounds like how I felt. I felt as if a war had happened in my body and I was just blasted by it. It's was for me an emotional and physical devastation. Someone said to me once that I had to be as compassionate to myself as I would be to someone who'd been in a car crash. There can be shock too. Whatever you can do to be kind to yourself is what I would wish you. & keep coming here too.

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 00:33:24

Sorry for your loss, and thank you for your advice.
I'm really struggling tonight. Going to try and get to sleep but not too hopeful.

mrsjavierbardem Mon 02-Jun-14 08:27:27

Thinking of you today Treacle hope you got some rest.

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 08:45:20

Thank you, I got some sleep in the end.
Having to do some work today in preparation for tomorrow.
I nearly broke down when I checked my work emails.

mrsjavierbardem Mon 02-Jun-14 09:19:59

I'm sure it is harder but work might be just what you need to be a break from your grief, not yet but it may well become that.

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 09:59:39

Yeah, I hope so.

mrsjavierbardem Mon 02-Jun-14 11:09:04

I think work is like a life raft after time, it can pull you back into the flow of life and push you towards the future which is where we all need to look towards while not dishonouring our losses we owe it to ourselves to cherish our lives despite loss, eventually, not yet but one day.
Thinking of you and sending empathy.

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 12:00:11

Thank you, hopefully once I'm back at work time will go quickly and my period and following ovulation will be here before I know it.
Thanks for your support.

mrsjavierbardem Mon 02-Jun-14 12:11:21

You are welcome, I remember just letting myself grieve when I was alone, literally sinking into it, the more I grieved (I found) the more there seemed to be room for more life to edge into the space.

Catlover2014 Mon 02-Jun-14 13:09:23

Just wanted to send you an understanding hug Treacle.

Hope work goes ok, mostly people will be kind and it may help to take your mind off it, even if it's just for a few seconds.

You'll get there so just keep focusing on that better future!!

Xxx

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 13:18:13

Thanks catlover xxx
Hope you are doing ok x

Treaclepie19 Mon 02-Jun-14 22:21:57

Tonight I'm getting myself in a state because when they checked all was gone they only did an external scan. Shouldn't they have done an internal?
I was 9 weeks by that point but at my 8 week scan the sac only measured 6.
Or were they only looking for the sac to be gone?

Why do I stress over stupid things? sad

JBrd Mon 02-Jun-14 23:26:31

So sorry to hear about your loss treacle (and everyone else!).

Night times are difficult - all is quiet and dark, and your mind can go wandering...often on a downward spiral because there is nothing to distract you or keep you in check sad

I think that just for checking that everything has passed, an external scan is accurate enough - sorry, not sure if this is what you want to hear... The sac is easy enough to see.

Don't push yourself, time is your friend here. Grieving is not an easy process, and with a miscarriage, it is you who carries it. Be kind to yourself.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 00:04:44

Thinking of you Treacle xxxx

Treaclepie19 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:22:42

Thanks ladies. JBrd, that's what I needed to here.

I just wish life could be put on hold. Work is not good. 6 and a half weeks til the holidays. Hopefully by then my period will have come again and I'll be counting down the days til my bfp...

My future is just cloudy at the moment.

mrsjavierbardem Wed 04-Jun-14 12:13:59

Hello Treacle, hope your day is going ok.

Treaclepie19 Wed 04-Jun-14 18:49:45

Thank you x
It has been a hard day but I'm ok. Off to the cinema tonight.

mrsjavierbardem Thu 05-Jun-14 09:18:42

Hi Treacle, glad you got out, hope the film
Was a good break.
X

Treaclepie19 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:15:55

Thank you x

I'm really struggling with work. I have a silly amount to do and no time to do it so I'm going to be working every night and weekend for the next 5 weeks or so.

Feel myself going under but don't really know what to do.

JBrd Thu 05-Jun-14 22:28:09

treacle Speak with you line manager. Having lots to do can be a good thing, but if it's too much, it will just make you feel even more miserable - not what you need right now.
Don't feel bad about pushing back and asking for help and support, for once you do need to put yourself first. Regardless of what they might say, the world is not going to end if you can't manage your workload by yourself. Tell them in no uncertain words that you are doing everything you can, but you are not back to full form yet! They really need to acknowledge that.

Hope the situation improves soon x

FranksBobot Thu 05-Jun-14 22:37:28

treacle please don't be so hard on yourself. It's been nearly 4 years since my mmc and I still find it difficult. It hasn't even been a month for you. Take your time in healing mentally and physically.
Please talk to your boss about your workload. It is worrying that you say you can feel yourself going under.
You have so much to deal with right now and your number 1 priority should be your health not work.

Treaclepie19 Thu 05-Jun-14 23:13:30

Thank you JBRD and Franks, i will talk to the head tomorrow.
At least then it will be over to her to help me out.

I feel so pathetic! Im used to just getting on with it bit I'm not emotionally ready to put myself second right now.
Anyway thank you and I'll let you know how it goes x

mrsjavierbardem Fri 06-Jun-14 10:42:00

Sounds like you definitely should, good luck, it took me a long long time to recover from my mc, seriously you need to be honest if you can, the sooner you're better the more useful you are at work! Recovery for you is win win for all, and it is not one size fits all. A mc is a unique experience despite it being a massively common occurrence.

Treaclepie19 Fri 06-Jun-14 17:06:33

Thank you, I spoke to the head and deputy today.
The deputy told me not to do any work this weekend and to just coast by for this week or two. Like she said it really won't hurt and I can catch up in shool time then.
Glad I spoke to them. Think I'm coming down with something sad

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