Lost my baby today

(55 Posts)
PaulaFletch14 Fri 06-Dec-13 14:42:18

This was my first pregnancy, I'm 39 and it took a year to conceive. Me and my partner were so happy. Last week I had a scan and we saw baby's heartbeat. It was amazing. Today I had a scan and no heartbeat. I can't stop crying and we're heartbroken. Hospital tomorrow for medical management.

I'm funding it difficult as my partner has two daughters from his first marriage. I feel resentful that he has kids with someone else. Is this normal or am I a cow?

Feel alone, even though partner very supportive.

kotinka Fri 06-Dec-13 14:48:32

I'm so sorry, what a terrible thing to happen.

No, you're not a cow, miscarriage brings up all sorts of strange feelings and all of them are normal. It's a very hard thing to go through.

Hassled Fri 06-Dec-13 14:52:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re the resentment - I haven't been through what you've had to suffer, but I know after I lost my parents for a while I felt resentful of friends etc with parents alive and well - which was completely unreasonable, but a very normal reaction, just part of the hell that is bereavement. It passed.

PaulaFletch14 Fri 06-Dec-13 15:02:45

Thanks Kontinka x

Hassled I think that's what makes this harder. My mum died 7 years ago need her so much right now x

Hassled Fri 06-Dec-13 15:14:10

Oh blimey - yes, you must really want her by your side now. I'm so sorry.

Forester Fri 06-Dec-13 19:18:13

I'm very sorry for your loss. flowers

I've had two MC's but only after I had my DD so it must be especially hard for you. There's nothing that anyone can do to make things better but I think it can help if you recognise that you have suffered a bereavement and everything isn't alright.

One thing that gave me some comfort (as we'd been TTC for two years) is when the midwife told me that my fertility would be higher - as your fertility is higher following any pregnancy even if it hasn't gone to term.

I also had medical management both times and you shouldn't worry about the procedure - given the circumstances it's fine.

Take care of yourself over the next few days. x

PaulaFletch14 Fri 06-Dec-13 20:10:16

Sorry for your losses Forester

Thanks I feel reassured about medical management now. Was scared. I've heard that fertility is higher even after miscarriage I hope so as at 39 I feel that this was my last chance

My DP wants to try again but I'm scared and can't even think about it but at the same time want to

I'm very confused and my eyes have swollen from all the crying

Love Paula x

Parsley2506 Fri 06-Dec-13 20:19:59

Hi Paula, I'm very sorry for your sad loss. I too recently had a MC, very much longed for first pregnancy too (ttc for 18 months). It is absolutely mind, heart and soul wrenching to go through but please don't feel alone, everyone here sadly knows only too well the anguish you're experiencing.

I'm also currently wobbling over when to start ttc again. I think when you've been trying for as long as you and I have and when you're worrying about things like age part of you really does just want to jump straight back on the horse, waste no time etc. but it's important to let your heart heal too. Only you and your DP will know when it feels right, so my advice is really just to go with your heart.

I hope the next few days and your ongoing recovery go smoothly and I wish you a speedy, healthy and happy next conception and pregnancy. If you need any hand holding in the meantime however, you know where to come!

ChristineDaae Fri 06-Dec-13 20:21:19

Sorry to hear this Paula. Miscarriage is an awful thing to go through. Give yourself time to grieve and decide what you want to do next. I don't think feeling resentful makes you a cow at all, pretty normal in the circumstances!

PaulaFletch14 Fri 06-Dec-13 21:08:23

Thanks parsley and Christine it's comforting to know that others feel the same and I'm not alone. I'm so grateful that you've replied. The next few days will be hard but I just need to think that every day is closer to the day I'll eventually be a mum

Love and hugs xx

Sammc1878 Fri 06-Dec-13 22:46:49

Sorry for your loss and sending big hugs x

Bakingtins Fri 06-Dec-13 22:52:01

paula I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Experiencing a miscarriage throws up a whole roller coaster of emotions, not all of them rational. The only way is to give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling and recognise you need to go through a process of grieving and healing, and be as kind as possible to yourself and each other whilst you deal with it.
Thinking of you tomorrow flowers

BumWad Fri 06-Dec-13 22:57:40

I am sorry for your loss x

Purplefrogshoe Fri 06-Dec-13 23:04:23

I'm so sorry paula thinking of you tomorrow thanks

basgetti Sat 07-Dec-13 00:10:01

I'm so sorry for your loss Paula. I was told my baby had no heartbeat on wednesday. My pregnancy wasn't planned but now I feel desperate to conceive as soon as possible but I'm not sure I can go through this again. I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

PaulaFletch14 Sat 07-Dec-13 00:19:18

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind wishes

Bashetti I'm so sorry for your loss. Me too I just want to be pregnant again I feel it's the only way ill feel better. I'm scared of this happening again but I'm scared of facing having a life without children. Don't feel there's much point. I've struggled to get here left my husband of 10 years two years ago because he lied about wanting kids.

I'm pushing my DP away he can't possibly understand how I feel. He already has kids different for him. Perhaps I'm being harsh.

Lottystar Sat 07-Dec-13 01:34:25

Paula, firstly I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a difficult and surreal experience. The dreams and expectations after all the time you have been hoping to conceive are taken away with no given reason. Pls do as the other ladies have wisely said and allow yourself to grieve and heal. It won't feel like it now but slowly and oddly it does get better as the days pass. You do not forget but you start to move on. I mc'ed in October and the first few days were an utter emotional blur but after a lot of sofa / duvet / chocolate time you start to see the wood through the trees. It comes back to bite now and then - seeing pregnant friends, babies and getting close to milestones but it's sadly bearable. Try not to push your partner away. Actually him having children may make it just as sad an experience in a slightly different way -- as having had children he can feel the loss as a father. I'm not trying to be insensitive when I say this, pls don't think that but he will be very sad too and the best way you can get through this horrid time is together. My husband and I decided to start trying straight away after my miscarriage and now on my first two week wait since. Do what feels right for you. That's the only right answer. Thinking of you tomorrow x

IThoughtThat Sat 07-Dec-13 01:44:14

thanks. Sorry to hear your sad news.

sizethree Sat 07-Dec-13 07:42:46

I'm so sorry to read about your sad loss. I suffered a MMC two weeks ago but can reassure you that the medical management is nothing to be scared or worried about.
lottystar's advice is brilliant, and if you're having any wobbles do come seek advice and support here as its i gor one have found it so wonderfully comforting for me during this really horrific time.
Lots of love. X

greenlizard Sat 07-Dec-13 09:46:46

I hope all goes well today. Just to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I had a MMC in June with an ERPC and am in the process of another one now which I am doing naturally as it started in between confirmation scans. My DP has two children (boy and girl) from previous marriage and I was jealous and resentful of him - my thinking was you already have biological children and now this might never happen for me. My step kids are great but they have a mum that isn't me! I was really, really angry and upset with him about this for a while. These feelings will pass and I felt closer to my DP afterwards. Let him support you through this - you need taking care of.

At 39, the road is not over for you yet by any means - I have conceived twice in the last 12 months and I am in my 40's. You will feel bereft right now but it does get better and although I am going through it again (not unusual for my age sadly) we fully intend to try again ASAP.

I wish you all the very best of luck and be kind to yourself (physically and emotionally).- it really does get better in time.

Take care. flowers

You are not a cow at all, I am so sorry for your loss, and really hope that it does happen for you soon.

PaulaFletch14 Sat 07-Dec-13 16:31:29

Size three so sorry to hear about your loss. I've just got back from hospital. Hardest part was signing the consent form for baby's remains and it says mothers name. I broke down in tears.
Also when walking out a heavily pregnant women smoking. Just seems so unfair love Paula xx

PaulaFletch14 Sat 07-Dec-13 16:35:56

Greenlizard sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for your advice it's nice to know there are other women in a similar position to me. Your advice was really good grin

Just got home from hospital and DP looking after me. Registrar at hospital kept referring to my age as a risk but reassured me everything with my womb etc is normal and no reason why I wouldn't conceive again. She advised to wait after first period before trying again but I've heard that's just to help them date the pregnancy rather than anything else

Love and hugs
Paula xxxx

Armadale Sat 07-Dec-13 16:45:03

Hi Paula, I 'm so sorry to hear about your MC. I'm glad that you got through the medical management and are now home. I have had a few MC's and all I would say is however you are feeling is absolutely OK and the only wrong thing for me is trying to pretend I'm OK when I'm not.

As for trying again immediately/waiting, do it when you feel ready. The dating thing is that much of a big deal if you feel ready.

Only important thing is to make sure you get a negative test BEFORE you start trying, (normally they advise you to take it 2 weeks after medical management) this is important as it means you can be sure that any future positive test you get is the result of a new pregnancy and not old hormones.
Good luck, I do know several people who have got PG much quicker after a MC, and I hope this happens for you thanks

Forester Sat 07-Dec-13 19:18:27

I'm glad you are home and everything has gone OK.

I think there's also a medical reason for waiting until you've had a AF before TTC after an ERPC - something to do with your womb lining being weaker I think. Bakingtins is good at knowing these sort of things so hopefully she will post again.

I've also waited a month following my MC's so that I could be sure of dates - the last thing that I would want in any future scan (fingers crossed there will be one) is uncertainty re dates.

PaulaFletch14 Sun 08-Dec-13 08:17:38

Thank you everyone for your messages of support

I'm really struggling can't stop crying, really don't see the point in carrying on. How can I ever be normal again. Scared my periods won't return. I can't face life without kids it'll eat me up. I can't face going back to the desperation of TTC. Feel like this will damage my relationship with DP as I can't stop the feelings of resentment I have that he has kids.

Cybercat Sun 08-Dec-13 08:27:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost at 6weeks1day coming up to 6 weeks ago and also had medical management. Miscarriage brought out the worst in me in terms of resentment and also made me feel a bit like a social outcast as many people just don't know how to deal with it. Armadale (hi there!) gives excrllent advice - do test in two weeks time. I wasn't advised to do this, didn't think to do it and now have faint positive tests that could be awesome news or the results of retained products. Take your time and look after yourself, I watched a lot of Netflix when I was off and the house had never been cleaner x

greenlizard Sun 08-Dec-13 09:45:59

Hang in there paula - you will be ok. It is a pretty rough ride I know but you will come out the other side. When you are ready, you can try again...it is important that you take care now - cry, wail and grieve however you want and don't give two hoots if how you are feeling is "normal".

Parsley2506 Sun 08-Dec-13 10:08:55

Paula please don't give yourself such a hard time, and don't give up on yourself or the idea of having kids. As all these wise ladies have said, give yourself time and kindness to get over the worst of the physical and emotional pain, it WILL get better, I promise you.
Try not to think about ttc or anything like that, let yourself grieve the loss of your baby and try to leave those thoughts for when you're feeling a bit stronger.
I know it can seem like a bit of a black abyss, but there is always light the other side.
Keep posting here, keep talking, we're all here for you

PaulaFletch14 Sun 08-Dec-13 20:21:23

Thank you parsley, cyber cat and green lizard. It's good to hear it'll get better

My poor DP has had a hard time today I had a huge go at him as I can't get my head round him having kids. I kept asking him questions like what does it feel like holding your new born in your arms. How can you not still love your ex wife when you have kids with her. How can you love me more if I can't have kids. Irrational I know!! He is very supportive and has done so much to look after me since we were told on Friday our baby had died. I do truly feel my life is over if I never become a mum and scared this will affect my relationship. We're getting married in august and our baby would've been due at the end of June so even our wedding day has been affected as our little one was going to be with us.

Hospital tomorrow for second tablet
I feel tortured and I know I'm not alone xx

Parsley2506 Mon 09-Dec-13 22:12:26

Hi Paula, how did today go? I hope you're ok. Have you thought about letting DP read this thread? Might go a little way towards sharing the burden. It's so hard to get the right words out when you're feeling so torn up, maybe seeing them written down in a way that more concisely shows the turmoil you're (understandably) in would help, even if just a little bit.
Thinking of you!

PaulaFletch14 Tue 10-Dec-13 04:43:18

Thanks Parsley

I'm not doing great as I write I'm in hospital bed just gone 4.30am. I've took second dose of stage two tablets and it's still not over. Sorry if TMI jut passed huge clots which have freaked me out but not sac. I'm so frightened. So much blood

My DP has been amazing and I feel so lucky to have him. We've chatted about how I feel and he is trying to understand. I didn't appreciate how devastated he is

I just want the physical side over with

Xxx

Muma4 Tue 10-Dec-13 05:06:02

Hi I'm just reading your sad news I lost last year but I'm 4 weeks now and I'm 41 shhhhh
I have 2 children from my first marriage and was desperate after my new hubby had reversal do e after 30 yrs so we had 5% chance we had are little one last 2 yrs ago and have had 3 losses so I'm with you as many others are don't give up my hubby's 50 next year and is amazing dad
I had a bit of a bleed this evening that's why I'm awake just feel like it's happening again we didn't plan this one but really want this to be
I hope your ok and wish u luck x

PaulaFletch14 Tue 10-Dec-13 05:20:44

Thank you Muma4. Sorry for your losses and congrats on pregnancy grin

I know I still have time at 39, but scared it'll never happen for us. My DP must find comfort in the fact he already has kids. I'm scared I'll be childless and he'll have a bond with his ex/wife we'll never share. Surely that must mean I'm second best and as mother of his kids more important than I am

Hate feeling so irrational when DP is so amazing but scared and emotional

Thank you so much for your reassurance. I'm trying to be positive and strong but keep wobbling

Love Paula xxx

deste Sun 15-Dec-13 13:44:39

I know how you feel, it's awful isn't it but calm down. The fact you got pregnant is a sign that everything is working. I tried for seven years, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I was devastated but I was pregnant within six weeks. Don't try to forget this pregnancy because you never will but you will learn to live with it.

PaulaFletch14 Sun 15-Dec-13 15:35:26

Thanks deste sorry about your loss
I'll never forget about our little one. DP has been so supportive and this forum helps. My sister in law to be has been amazing she has had multiple MC and a still birth so understands how we're feeling

I've stopped bleeding now and hoping once I finish my antibiotics next week we can start trying again

deste Mon 16-Dec-13 21:30:37

Thanks Paula but it was 37 years ago and tears still come when I think about it. That's why there is no point in trying to forget because you never do. My SIL had a still birth and that was awful. On another note my niece who is 40 has had two miscarriages and is now pregnant again.

PaulaFletch14 Mon 16-Dec-13 21:57:12

That's encouraging deste I'm hoping at 39 I still have a few years to be a mum

It's all I've ever wanted

deste Mon 16-Dec-13 22:19:33

This time next year you'll be a mum.

Bakingtins Tue 17-Dec-13 10:37:31

paula glad to hear your DP is being supportive. Don't feel second best to his ex, if that was true he'd be with her now, not you. Men often react quite differently, and I think much of it is them trying to be the strong one, when actually it would be more help if they admitted they were grieving too.
You don't need to be positive, strong or anything else you are not actually feeling. You'll recover quicker if you acknowledge the emotions as they arise, if you suppress them they will bite you on the bum sometime later.
Someone mentioned up thread about allowing an AF before TTC again. I haven't seen any proper evidence to say it might affect your chances but I have seen a lot of people have 2 consecutive losses without an AF in between, and a lot of women posting that first AF is not normal (either light or very heavy and clotty) which suggests that womb lining is not up to much immediately post MC. Personally I've never used contraception but have not 'tried' that first cycle either, and I don't think I ovulate until 2nd cycle anyway. There are also women who get pregnant straightaway and are fine, but I think there is something to be said for letting your cycle reset itself and taking a little time to recover. There does seem to be good evidence that you are more fertile for several months after a MC, so hope that proves to be the case for you.

finlaybug1 Tue 17-Dec-13 16:39:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope I can offer some hope my husband and I had 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths before having our son. Please don't give up at 39 it is still very possible. Since having my son I have had another 2 miscarriages but I am still hopeful. I believe we can do it, it is and has been very difficult at times but I keep remembering the goal and keep going! Good luck x

Waitingforflo Tue 17-Dec-13 16:50:02

Sorry for your loss Paula - I've had quite a lot of miscarriages, although none too late (all around 12 weeks). From a practical perspective, I always find that it's my second period after a missed mc which is the tricky one. I won't go into too much detail but I do wonder whether that is when my body really clears itself. Of course, that might just be me - they'll probably offer you a scan about a week after the mc just to check things out, so that will give you a bit of an idea, but I do agree that your cycle sometimes does need to reset.

PaulaFletch14 Wed 18-Dec-13 10:19:00

Thank you baking tins, waiting for flo, and finlaybug1

Feeling abit more optimistic today bleeding very light now and I finish my two courses of antibiotics and iron tablets today. Me and DP are supporting each other through this.

Just waiting for hospital appointment then physically I'll feel more like the old me. At the moment I hate my body for letting me down, can't even look at downstairs since this has happened. Weird???
The biggest thing is Christmas glad home it's over

All ladies on here have been amazing thank you so much. I would have been lost without you as I've got more info off here than I have from hospital

Waitingforflo Wed 18-Dec-13 15:20:51

Good luck Paula - might be worth asking about extra strength folic acid too for the next few months (5mg), and maybe even looking into herbal treatments when you feel a bit stronger. I had one mmc that really threw me out of whack for a while, but a herbalist worked miracles.

BlearyeyedLol Tue 24-Dec-13 20:19:59

Hi Paula. Hope you're feeling better now. I too had a mc last year and was told by a gp I would have trouble conceiving again as I was already 38. I did get pregnant again in 3 months and am currently fighting to get her to napgrin
Don't lose hope and don't feel ashamed of how you feel. Have a lovely Xmas!

PaulaFletch14 Wed 25-Dec-13 00:37:12

Thanks bleary eyed

Feeling abit better still have some bleeding

Hope to TTC soon. Back to hospital on 2 jan. I hope this time next year I have a bump

Hope you have a good Christmas

Paula xx

PaulaFletch14 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:51:48

Back to the EPU today to scan to check everything ok. Physically I'm all good. But walking into that place bought everything back struggled not to burst into tears. Not helped that pregnant women and kids everywhere.

Feel like I've taken two steps back

Parsley2506 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:25:29

Ahh Paula, it really is the pits isn't it? I still don't know how I kept it together when I went back for my scan. It did NOT help that the sonographer didn't seem to be expecting me to confirm I'd had a miscarriage during the gap between scans, or all the pregnant women gassing about their water birth plans etc. The worst bit of all was some awful bint outside the unit chain smoking away with her massive belly for all to see, made me so angry!

I still have days that take me right back to the raw nerve, but they do get easier to deal with. When you're ready, why don't you come over to the TTC after MC thread on the conception board (title starts New Year, New Thread or something along those lines). Lots of caring and empathetic ladies on there to give you support as you move on to the next phase.

thanks

Parsley2506 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:29:04
Armadale Thu 02-Jan-14 20:31:01

Hi Paula,, Glad physically you are OK... I know what you mean about walking in bringing back memories. It is very tough.

Have they suggested counselling to you? I now wish I'd had some sooner than I did, although I know it is not for everyone.

If you are in London or SE you can get free of charge counselling for pregnancy loss at City Pregnancy if that is any help to you x

Parsley, that scan experience sounds just dreadful, so sorry you had to go through that

Mouldypineapple Thu 02-Jan-14 20:56:02

Sorry to hear you had hard day but really it's still early days in your recovery. Only you will know when it's the right time to try ttc again, go easy on yourself.
I had a mc about 5 years ago. Had wanted another child for many years although luckily fell pregnant quickly once the rest of my life got in shape! (have an 18 year age gap between my girls) Was absolutely devastated to lose the baby, took it really hard. However with the help of supportive dh and some counselling slowly got there. Once I was back to work so many people told me they had had mc too, never would have known otherwise which in a weird way is good to know many more people understand.
I got pregnant nearly 3 months after mc and luckily now have DD who is 4.
Recently I had to have a medical procedure in the same hospital where I had my mc and I really struggled to walk past the (now closed) A+E where i went on the day without bursting into tears so you feeling like that after only a few weeks is quite normal.

Mouldypineapple Thu 02-Jan-14 21:00:29

Also wanted to say when we started ttc after the mc I was really nervous and although luckily did get pregnant quite easily then did feel a lot more anxious throughout that pregnancy, particularly early on but to some degree all the way through. I think counselling is a great idea, I was lucky to find a good counsellor through my GP, sometimes you may need to speak to more than one to find someone you can feel at ease with.
Good luck, fingers crossed for you.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 02-Jan-14 21:02:13

Sorry to hear your sad news, you aren't a cow my love.
Be kind to yourself, it was nobodies fault. thanks

PaulaFletch14 Fri 03-Jan-14 17:58:23

Thanks for for the link Parsley. It is horrible isn't it. Thank you for the link as I will continue to post as now I know physically I'm ok will TTC soon.

Your experience in EPU sounds similar to what happened to me and my DP when we left the hospital after my miscarriage we walked out the door facing heavily pregnant woman smoking. I felt like screaming at her.
Hope we all have healthy pregnancies next time x

PaulaFletch14 Fri 03-Jan-14 18:00:50

Hi mouldypineapple
Thanks for your posts
I'm having some counselling through Occ health at work as I haven't been offered any during miscarriage

My DP is amazing and incredibly supportive. I couldn't get through without him

Best wishes x

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