Found out last night night(60 Posts)
I had a private reassurance scan last night as I couldn't fight the feeling something was wrong. It showed by baby died at 8 weeks ( I was 11 1/2 weeks).
Had a scan at 6 and 7 weeks due to a bleed and seemed fine (a day it small but worryingly so).
This is my first pregnancy. I feel pregnant after a year of ttc. The positive test came just days before we were due to start fertility treatment in nhs.
If one more person tells me at least you can get pregnant I will scream. I want this baby!! I don't wish to return month after month of hopeless ttc.
I dont want to be feeling pregnant knowing my baby has died. I saw my gp last night who was lovely but there are appointments for the epu until late tomorrow afternoon. I dread to think how long the wait for the erpc might be.
Sorry I simply need to vent .
No words of wisdom I'm afraid just hand holding and
Hand holding welcome thank you x
Cosmickitten I am really sorry you lost your baby. It's bad enough to lose any pregnancy, but an extra kick in the teeth when you've spent a long time TTC. People often say the first thing that comes into their head without thinking, usually in an doomed attempt to lessen the loss and make you feel better. You can either accept that they are trying to help in a ham-fisted way or go ahead and scream in the hope they'll be more thoughtful towards the next bereaved person.
You may find it helpful to read this thread about the practicalities of miscarriage management and the Miscarriage Association info on the same topic
I hope when you are seen tomorrow you are offered treatment quickly, it's horrible being in limbo.
We're here when/if you need to vent.
So sorry for your loss cosmickitten - there is nothing any of us can say to make you feel better but we are hear to listen and hold your hand. I went through the same thing in March with same dates (baby died at 8 wks and i was 11 1/2 weeks when i found out).
all i can say is be really kind to yourself for the next few weeks. It's a very sad and difficult time. On a practical point - take at least 2 wks off work if you are working. I took 2 weeks off and could have done with another few days to hide from the world....
Bakingtins - you were on my thread in March when I posted about my loss and i remember you being so kind to me - thank you it meant a lot.
I am very sorry for your loss, one of miscarriages was lost at the same time. I was just coming up for my 12 week scan but a few days before hand just knew something was wrong. I had a scan and it confirmed my baby had died at 9 weeks. The grief is just awful, my heart goes out to you.
I agree with omri, definitely take a couple of weeks off works. You do recover physically quite quickly but the mental side of things take longer.
Just try to ignore stupid and sometimes idiotic comments. Miscarriage makes people uncomfortable and they say the first thing that comes to their head because they feel they have to say something. Really, I am sorry for your loss is enough but people get flustered and come out with some corkers! Unintentionally of course.
Once again, I am very sorry for your loss xxx
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you all. Bakingtins the links are really helpful thank you.
I do supply teaching so time off is not a problem and the lost income can be coped with. I will take the time I need. I feel like I should be able to carry on but right now you are all right I need time.
Katatonic I'm sorry you have been through something so similar. It is so heartbreaking to lose the happy ending.
You're all right I know people are trying to help and mean no harm. I just feel so raw right now. The fear of never having a child is huge and scarey. Mixed with grief it feels hard too hard to confront right now.
I am so sorry cosmickitten.
I am just ahead of you in my very similar journey. I was also scanned at 7 and 9 weeks due to some light bleeding which turned out to be a small haematoma which repaired itself and it all was good, baby growing at the right rate, in the right place, heart beating away and wriggling around. My baby died 3 days after my last scan which I found out when I had a routine scan at 11 weeks. I had no symptoms and my pregnancy was progressing as if nothing had happened. This was last Thursday and it was a terrible shock - I understand exactly what you are going through.
I was scanned at the EPU and booked in for my ERPC yesterday. I cannot commend the care I received the NHS staff at both - professional and compassionate. The procedure itself is quite straight forward and physically I feel fine today just a bit of bleeding. I am emotionally wobbling and very weepy and expect this to continue for some time. It also took us nearly a year to conceive and is my first pregnancy.
I think it was a good thing for me to have to wait for a few day until I had the procedure - it took me that amount of time to even process what had happened. That time gives you a chance to say goodbye to your baby - they might not have been with you long but they will always be important.
I also think that the staff were very reassuring in that the majority of us who suffer MMC do go on to have healthy pregnancies if/when in time you are ready to try again.
I hope you can let others look after you - you will feel very vulnerable for a while. People will say insensitive things (how about - well at least you can have a drink now!) but as others have said they usually come from a position of no understanding or just clumsiness rather than malice.
Personally, I feel spending time at home alone is not the best way forward for me so I am planning to go back to work on Monday. I am sure it will be tough but important in helping me recover. Everyone is different though so do what feels right for you.
It is so difficult and I wish you all the very best of luck.
You are all lovely, that said this is a sucky club to join!
I so wish no one had to deal with this.
I agree, it's very sucky! It just makes it that little bit more bearable that everyone is so lovely
I know what you mean though, it is crap when you feel so fragile and someone says something stupid. Someone told me to trust in God. I wanted to shout God can Eff Off at them. But just smiled and said mmmmm.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I got a text from a (rather younger) 'friend' today in response to the news of our loss which read (literally) 'OMG'. I feel like want to smack her in the chops (and I'm usually lovely, honest!)
People offer up some really disrespectfully inappropriate trite guff. I wish they'd just say 'Holy Smokes, well I don't have a fecking clue what to say so I can feel like I made you feel better, but I'm going to just let my mouth hang open and see what frighteningly cliched rot tumbles out...there, are you smiling yet?? Why, why aren't you making me feel like I fixed you? What's wrong with you??!'
Oh Tea it does feel like that. Feel better now so I don't feel awkward..... To be fair people have been if missed guided. Those who I know will useless have been avoided. Still at a few choice comments from mum and mil. Meant well but not helpful.
So sorry for your loss, it sucks. To echo what the other lovely ladies have said....people just don't know what to say and say the first stupid cliche that comes into their heads. Please try not to take this personally if you can help it. It's such a god awful thing to happen that people don't think. My oldest and neatest friend was absolutely know help at all when we MC 6 weeks ago. She's bloody lucky we're still friends! Add people's insensitivity to your fragile grief stricken hormonal self and it can cut deep.
It's bizarre that you said you knew something wasn't right. From the moment I got the BFP I knew there was something very very wrong. I was convinced that we would get to the 12 week or 20 week scan and there would be something wrong with the baby. Ironically not once did I consider I would MC...that happened to other people.
After light spotting on Sunday we had a re-assurance scan and all was well. We were sent away and given 98% odds that all would be well. 24 hrs later the 2% struck and we were devastated. Like you we had to wait for a 2nd scan and fortunately they offered me an ERPC 48hrs later. I really do hope that they don't keep you waiting too long as its truly awful.
Do use these pages to vent, get advice and support. Day or night there will always be someone here who understands.
Much love xx
Hugs to you too lizard, hope you are resting up after your ERPC.
You are very right by saying a few days grace between scan and procedure. Initially I was like omg please sort it now as couldn't bare the thought of carrying still, then I so badly wanted to hang on to him. Emotional rollercoaster doesn't really cut it.
I will always remember the night before my ERPC laying in bed and my DH lovingly touching my small but swollen belly and saying his goodbyes. I had a final scan just before the procedure (they thought I might've passed him) and saw him for the last time. With tears streaming down my face I let out a 'goodbye buddy'. The staff let me take as long as I needed.
It feels very strange writing all this 6 weeks on. I think about it every day but without the utter despair that I felt at the time. Take as much time to yourself as you need and just go with whatever feeling strikes you at the time. You will get through this xx
Lizard so I'm so sorry that you have lost your baby.
Going to the epu this afternoon I assume for the second scan. Not sure if I want to see the screen or not. Feel a bit scared. I have been mainly numb, I worry that floodgates will open at epu instead of the safety of home.
tomkat thank you for your message, I'm so sorry you have also suffered the lost of your little one.
That feeling something is wrong is strange 2 scans didn't shake in for me. Nothing anyone said quietened it. It doesn't alter the shock now sadly. However I have decided that from here on in if that voice speaks to me I will listen. I felt the need to have another scan for 2 weeks but fought it cos I felt paranoid. Now I think better to be proved paranoid than right.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
So I'm sitting in waiting room waiting talk about options after missed miscarriage. The room is full of pregnant ladies and a couple is having a loud bantering conversation about if bump will be boy or girl.
I think my heart will break in two as I sit here.
Even better boy or girl pregnant lady is debating nipping out for fag pre scan. Insane
Oh no. How awful. I hope you dont wait there long. Can you ask if there is somewhere else to wait? xx
Hubby has just arrived hospital carpark was full. I'm glad he is here for me but I wish he didn't have to sit through too.
That's rubbish Cosmic. Pass the time by filling in a comments form to say it's insensitive to put you with the bumps. Seeing pregnant people smoking gives me the rage and I don't care how unPC or none of my business it is. How dare they endanger their baby when women who do everything right and would be fantastic parents are losing theirs?
I have spoken to receptionist who has let me wait else and made me tea. Lovely but would have better from the start
That sounds better. Take care.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Just back from hospital. They are able to do op tomorrow. The staff where amazing especially the lady who carried out the final scan. Very sad but feels like the right way to say goodbye to our baby. Able to take in that it looked like a baby with arms , legs, and a face. Makes it easier to grieve a baby not just a pregnancy.
Glad you don't have to wait too long, Cosmic. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
I was so anxious to get everything over with and know that it is right thing. However knowing my little one wont be inside me much longer is breaking my heart. I was supposed to carry and grow my baby until I could hold them in my arms.
Hi Cosmic its really sad. x
Oh cosmic. Heart is breaking for you here. It's still so raw for me 6 weeks on. You're right, it really isn't how it should be. Stay as str
Strong as you can through this shitty shitty time. Lots of love x
So very sorry. Holding your hand. I went through similar at Christmas, MMC picked up at a routine scan at 11 weeks. It's horrible Thinking of you xx
I'm sorry for your loss cosmic .
I could have written your post almost to the letter. I had been trying for 12 years, was just at the top of the IVF list as I split with my (now) exh, got involved with someone else and found myself pg. I started bleeding after weeks of feeling dreadful and found that my 10 1/2 week pregnancy had died at 6 1/2 weeks. I had to sit waiting for a scan with all those lucky ladies sporting their bumps too.
I was in hell. I dealt with it badly mentally too and by this time, I was almost 33, so felt my time was running out.
I did go on to have my Ds and he was born almost 2 years to the EDD that my first was due. He was the plaster cast that helped to heal my broken heart.
What I'm trying to say is please don't give up or think it'll never happen for you. Have your grieving time and don't try to rush it. Plant a tree, make a memory box (this was a great piece of advice to me) and have you time. When you are ready, then look to the future.
I hope today has gone ok for you. I had lovely people looking after me in the hospital; I hope you do too.
Take care of yourself.x
It is done back on the ward with tea and toast. The care I have been given has been outstanding. I will be grateful to the staff forever.
So glad they are taking good care of you. xxx
I feel do strange and empty. All the hopes and dreams for the future feel like shadows from some else's story.
cosmic sorry this is such a sad time and that you've lost your baby. Sending you my love. I hope you are being looked after. x
Cosmic so sorry to hear your story. That was me 4 years ago, we'd been Ttc for a year so it was devastating when I had a scan and had mmc. The scanner was totally insensitive and said at least it shows you can get pregnant - I was so upset by that.
Hope you and your DH take care of each other and have some time to grieve. I shut my DH out for a bit after my mmc and wish so much now I'd been more open about how upset I was.
We do have DD now so please don't lose hope.
My husband is being strong me, his words. The only thing he has said since yesterday it that he misses our baby. But I can hear him crying in the bathroom right now. How do I get hm to let me support him too?
Oh Cosmic sorry to hear that.
I'd tell him that you need to keep talking to each other and lots of hugs.
It is horrible for him too as he's had to watch you go through the physical pain of this and he probably thinks he can't show you he's suffering emotional as well.
Best wishes to you.
Like you I found out yesterday that it looks like mine died around 5 weeks. I ended up at EPU yesterday as I'm meant to be 10 weeks and had period like cramps. Spent the day being shunted around, being asked the same questions and then at the end nothing just told to go home and come back if I started bleeding or the pain got too bad. Feel totally isolated and scared. Spent from 2am-6am in what I think labour pains must feel like but without the proper pain relief. I'm desperately hoping I can hang in till Monday then goin to pay to go to a private hospital to get the pregnancy removed as I can't bear being left like this for another week. I hope you get better treatment. My mum said it her day when a miscarriage was confirmed it was dealt with straight away, I can't believe they just leave you and you don't get told what to expect. My thoughts are with you.
ellie I'm so sorry that on top of losing your baby this is happening to you. I have been very very fortunate to receive outstanding care from the nhs. It is totally wrong that you are not having the same. It makes me so angry.
I wish I knew how to help. There is an excellent thread on helping to deal the physical side of miscarriage. Which may be helpful. As epu is likely to be closed is there an out of hours service you can use for help / advice? Again I'm so sorry x
I'm coming on here to vent. One if my oldest friends has called to see how I am. Which is lovely but........to cheer me up he is trying to arrange for dh and me to visit him and heavily hus pregnant girlfriend for weekend. ASAP to cheer us up now its over.
I stopped him mid flow excitedly chatting about the beer we could share now. Pointed out that everything is very raw and I will not be making plans for a while.
I know him well enough to know this thoughtlessness isn't meant nastily. But does world really expected me to be back normal already?
It's one of the odd things about MC that the baby wasn't real to anyone but you and your DH, and it's a bit of a taboo subject so people who haven't experienced it don't seem to have the emotional vocabulary to deal with it sensitively. There's a need to find a positive like being able to go out drinking, when there really aren't any positives.
If he's well meaning but thoughtless, try to find it in your heart to forgive him, but absolutely correct his expectations of what will be helpful to get you through a very sad time.
Really insensitive comments. Its hurtful but people just don't know how to deal with miscarriage. To be honest, i still struggle finding the right things to say, while other ladies share their wisdom.
Definitely don't worry about how others think you should be, esp. re getting back to normal quickly. Trying to meet expectations made things worse for me. Do things in your own time.
Cosmickitten, how are you getting on? I hope you are OK x
There IS nothing right to say about MC. That is one of the difficult things. I have had 3 MCs and know that some women who have had 1 would find the way I am 'matter of fact' about some practical elements deeply hurtful. I have heard other women become angry when things which comforted me have been said because to them it was not a comfort - and vice versa (e.g. to me it is a comfort that my triplody baby only lived as long as s/he did because I know s/he would not have survived and it would have been worse to lose him/her later. But to other women this sounds crass or disloyal). There is no right and wrong answer you just have to take time and approach it in the way that feels best for you.
One thing I would mention though... with regards to age. MC risk rises slightly after about 36 years of age (and only gets to 40-50% risk at about 41-2) but even then most women succeed. I did see a comment about 33 being 'past it' - this is actually lower than the average 1st baby age in many parts of the country. I only say this because I have read so many early-30s-women in absolute fits of anxiety about being 'too late' when medically this isn't the case. The miscarriage association have excellent factual information about age and miscarriage.
Yes this is a touchy point for me. I am a recurrent MCer and before speaking to professionals blamed my age (33-34 when losses occurred) and had real panic attacks about turning 35. Since speaking to experienced consultants and the miscarriage association they assured me that whilst risk increases slightly towards the end of the 35th year, early 30s is by no means past it or the predominant cause of MC.
Thank you again for reading my post and all your kind words.
Baking - I know you are right my friend meant no harm, he is trying to cheer me up just like he did when we were students. He is lovely but has always been sufferer of foot in mouth. So I have thanked him for being kind but asked if he can keep in touch via text or email for a few days. That will protect me from the worst foot in mouth. On balance I think the bigger problem was the invite to spend a long weekend with him and his heavily pregnant partner. The idea of spending lots of time with bumps and babies feels very hard right now.
I feel guilty as lots of my close friends are pregnant or have newborns, I don't want to bring my saddness to their happiness. I know I can fake it, till I make it (after a few more days grace) for a hour or so but not 3 days. This particular friend lives along way away so short visits aren't an option. I feel bad that I can't share his happiness in the way he wants and cross that I can't figure out it might be hard on us (just days after lossing a baby). We will look after ourselves and offer support and celebrations in ways that are easiest for us. Short visits, buying gifts online etc. We will do our very best not to let our grief come out at others happy times, but I we won't do anything that feels too hard.
Squizita-thank you for your message, at 33 it helps to see the sane side written down, as the daily mail womb of doom is running around my head a lot right now.
All in all I'm ok as can I be. Pysically I feel tired and crampy but really not too bad. Emotionally I feel sad but I will not let infertility and misscarrige define me. No idea how I will achieve that goal yet, but I will find a way.
Keeping busy will be challenge for, I have been doing supply teaching for the last year (to reduce stress and give flexibility for fertility treatment). Which was a great plan but not being able to work post bleed and post misscarriage has made me rather unpopular with agencies and schools. They want someone who is free whenever they want. Realistically it unlikely I will get work until mid September.
We are so lucky that money isn't a huge an issue but that's a long time at home wth my thoughts. So I'm trying to find a few weeks of volunteer work to keep me busy and sane. I just have to hope it will get better, for me and all of us x
Cosmic, I truly feel your pain & its heartbreaking. I had a MMC & ERPC in Feb & found out 3 days later my friend & colleague is expecting twins - 10 days after my EDD. It's getting harder & harder to be around get with get very pregnant belly. I work with her & our DD's were born within 6 days of each other & go to same nursery so I can't really avoid her. Overheard her moaning about how hard it is bring pg with twins y'day. Wanted to scream "at least you are bloody pg!"
Since the ERPC there have been 5 pg announcements amongst my friendship group. Each cuts me yet I plaster a smile. It's almost as if my MC never happened, even DH doesn't talk about it & I want to! I think that's been one of the hardest things.
Coming on her & having a vent once in a while helps
Hope you're coping as best as you can.
Ickle I'm so sorry for your loss. The situation with your friend sounds so heartbreaking for you. It must take so much strength.
I'm feeling very tired and emotional, I m guessing this the drop in pregnancy hormones. Looking forward to returning to normal cycles. Hope it takes weeks not months.
Just trying to take each day as it comes. Feel terrible for avoiding her but sometimes I just can't face the bump & thinking I should be at that stage too
Be prepared for the hormonal crash. I wasn't. I had some very black days (prob day 5-8 after ERPC) & I just stayed in bed sobbing. I'd never experienced depression before & really couldn't face even getting up in the morning - Beth difficult with a full time teaching job & a toddler. Then one day I woke up feeling normal, still sad, but normal. Hope that makes some kind of sense. If you do have those dark days try to be logical about it although I know that's difficult & keep posting here.
Think I need to step away from google. Keep seeing articles about erpc causing scar tissue that infertility. I knew that it was risk factor but I hadn't realised how high.
It took 14 months to get pregnant last time. I'm now getting worried I've made a dreadful mistake and mucked up my fertiliy even more. Erpc seemed like the only option I could cope with last week. Trying to hold onto the knowledge it was right choice.
Definitely stop reading the horror stories. From my own research though its the old procedure of a D&C that can cause infertility as its more invasive than an ERPC. The same could be said about C-sections though!
Try to think positively. (Harder said than done I know). Some people on here have recommended acupuncture. Not sure whether that's something you'd like to look into.
So 11 days post erpc and I'm still bleeding. Not heavily so it's nothing to worry about but I'm fed up. I want a bubble bath, a relaxing swim, to use tampons, my sex life back.
In short I want my body to allow me to start to return to normal. I want the hormones gone, a pregnancy today was still strongly positive. I knew it wouldn't be likely to be -ve but I'd hope it would be fainter. It seems a lifetime away that, that strong +ve seemed like the best sight in the world.
Sorry I'm venting, I know it's early days but I'm impatient for the physical side to end. The fact that it could be days before the bleeding stops, weeks before the pregnancy hormones go and possibility months before my period returns to normal, feel so hard. I guess I just have to get through it.
I remember feeling just like you. Just hang on a few more weeks and all will come right. I bled for about 10 days post op, 3/4 weeks for a BFN and then AF a month later. It feels like forever and everytime you pee and look down at your knickers and there it is...a constant reminder of everything you've been through.
Stay away from Google scare stories. Don't forget that thousands of people have this procedure and they will never post to the Internet how wonderful it was...you will only ever read the horror stories. I'm sure if anything hasn't been straightforward then the surgeon would've said.
You've been through so much. Your body needs time to realign and sort itself out. It will happen I promise.
In the meantime just be very kind to yourself. Take the day, push through every hour knowing that you are going to be just fine. It is such an emotional rollercoaster but 8 weeks on I can honestly say I feel brighter and I'm sure you will too xxx
Thank you Tomkat, the period between the erpc being over and my body being 'normal' feels so long. The bleeding, hormones (and it my case much bigger boobs) are all reminders. It helps to hear that as time passes it gets easier. Logically of course I know that, but it still helps a huge amount to hear from others who've sadly been through the same.
This has become a space vent, without it all these emotions would be stuck inside me.
Another vent, it's been a morning of emotions. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative feel sad, negative and hopeful all at once.
I've also had a row with a close friend. She know all my history re infertility and miscarriage. Yet she posted a link to 'a brilliant' article which to summarise said that having a miscarriage taught the author that it was just tissue not a baby. This means said author is now pro choice.
The article mad me so angry as for many women miscarriage is a baby. My scan looked very much any other scan announcing a pregnancy on Facebook. But there was no heartbeat.
Miscarriage and abortion get such poor coverage and crappy 'it happened to me l, I feel like this, so it's that way for all women' pisses me off. Both issues deserve better coverage.
For record I am and have always been very pro choice. But the 'miscarriage is nothing so abortion is nothing' enraged me. Far far too simplistic for both issues.
But I'm more hurt by my friends thoughtlessness. To be fair it wasn't a huge row. I explained I was upset by her lack of thought over timing. And pointed out that the said 'amazing' insightful article was infact a personal story written to generate responses rather than a proper pro life debate. One experience, one view doesn't explain either issue. I feel devastated by the loss of my baby that doesn't make me more right than the author. But it does mean I can expect a little thought from those closest to me in the first fortnight.
Rant over that feels better on here than in my head!
Both incredibly insensitive and annoying. I am both pro-choice and very very sad about the loss of my pregnancies. My MCs were earlier than yours and never just a bunch of cells. I've been very careful how i have talked about MCs to a friend who had an abortion years ago as i didnt want to cause her sadness by talking about losing babies and didnt want her to think because i am sad i in any way judge her decision. So i think you can expect at least as much sensitivity from your friend.
Hope you are keeping ok.
Thank you, I'm very disappointed in my friend. It was a hugely thoughtless thing to send me. I'd always credited her with more intelligence and empathy.
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