Think I'll just lie there with my eyes shut

(78 Posts)
Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 08:18:08

Feel so sick this morning. In 2 hours I have to have another V scan to confirm what we already know...there is no heart beat. Only one doctor could confirm it on BH Monday so another has to look today. More poker faces and silence. Ukg. Wish they could just hit a button on the scanner and this all just stops x

You poor thing. Is somebody going with you?

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 08:21:39

Hugs OP, how many weeks are you?

I MCd at 6 weeks so I know how devastating it is. Have you got any rl support? thanks

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 08:30:58

Was 8 weeks and just allowing myself to get a little excited as after light spotting saw the heart beat on Sunday. Then all change 24 hours later. DH will be with me throughout. I really would rather his final image of little bean was the Sunday one (was with friend on Monday) but he is adamant he will hold my hand bless him.

This is so crap isn't it. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. If one more person tells me 'it's natures way' they'll get a smack....even though they're right!! Xx

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 08:39:28

When it happened to me, I remember feeling so helpless - there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself mcarrying. It didn't help to think "it's one of those things" or "natures way" (as you say). Unfortunately, there really is nothing that can be done. It isn't your fault either.

Is this your 1st preg? Mine was my first & I remember thinking how unfair it was. What you don't realise is that it's actually very common for first preg to end in mc - no one talks about it though as its such a painful subject.

Take time to grieve & don't feel ashamed of doing so. It will take a long time (sorry, I don't want to alarm you).

I'm glad your DH will be with you.

How heartbreaking. There's nothing 'natural' about this. I hope today is as easy as possible.

NoahsmummyJul2012 Wed 08-May-13 08:46:52

Thinking of you today its a devastating situation to be in. I am going through a smilar thing at the moment after finding at my 12 week scan on Friday that I had had a missed miscarriage and have my confirmation scan this Friday. I hope today goes as well as it can x

googietheegg Wed 08-May-13 08:50:20

Tomkat just a little wave from a stranger who sadly knows what you're going through. Shitty isn't it? Hold on tight to your Dh and take what support you can get. Be kind on yourself.

(All those comments from family really pissed me off tbh) hmm

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 08:54:02

Thank you, there is some real support on here xxx it's my 2nd preg and the first 7 years ago was textbook. I was 25 and young! Didn't even think about possibility of MC and thankfully had a healthy DS.

Felt very 'wrong' this time around. Not just preg but wrong with it. Can't explain. Had the most intense headaches of my life, along with blurred vision. As many MC symptoms as you like though doesn't quite gear you up for hearing that dreaded news does it. And then it just cuts deeper and deeper doesn't it. Feel numb and dare smile for an hour and then bang back to square one.

Big love to all of you xxx

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 08:56:43

Aww Noahsmummy this must be the longest week of your life. It's so cruel to leave you in 'limbo' for a week. Bless your heart. Stay as strong as you can xxx

It doesn't feel like you're strangers on here, it's weird. I take so much comfort from being able to talk to you guys xxx

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 08:57:44

It really is up & down tomkat as you say. I was ok-ish for the first day or so after I found out & then it suddenly hit me & I spent all day crying. It's a horrible horrible thing to go through.

thanks To you too Noahsmummy

lotsofcheese Wed 08-May-13 09:23:15

Holding your hand too. These scans are just heartbreaking. Have been there a couple of times hmm

And yes, I got pissed off with the "not meant to be" comments too.

A good friend who also had miscarriages said to me: "it's shite, isn't it?" And that summed it up best for me.

Take care of yourself over the next wee while xxxx

Surreylass37 Wed 08-May-13 09:54:40

It does seem a long time to wait to find out the inevitable (My username was Noahsmummy but I changed it as didn't think it appropriate for this board). I was hoping that they wouldn't show the screen on Friday as I don't think my heart can take seeing the empty sac again :-(

I am also fed up with some comments from people who mean well, if one more person says at least it wasn't your first or at least you have Noah I may scream.

I am taking comfort on his board too xx

Surreylass37 Wed 08-May-13 10:33:32

I hope no one took my message above in the wrong way I am very grateful for having Noah x

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 10:36:11

Yeah I'm currently in the waiting room (think Jeremy Kyle) and I'm not going to look at the screen. I can't bear it.

Thus hospital is stupid. It has the early pregnancy assessment unit right next to the ultrasound so this place is crawling with bumps. The guy in head to toe Adidas is currently patting his partners bump. If they don't call me in a minute think I might just explode.

Xxx

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 10:39:46

People just don't know what to say do they. I mean wtf can you say.

It's awesome that you're Noah's mummy xx

lotsofcheese Wed 08-May-13 10:40:38

Thinking of you & hoping you're taken soon. I always looked at the ceiling during scans & found that helped.

dufflefluffle Wed 08-May-13 10:43:57

This is a rotten situation to be in Tomkat and nothing can change that. I was given some information at the time of my mc which was the only acknowledgement from anyone (dh, family and friends) that for 9 weeks we had anticipated a new addition to our family but that info really helped. Otherwise it would've been like it never happened. Someone at the time told me that it would get easier after the baby's due date and it did - not miraculously on the actual date but sometime around that date the pain eased. I found it helpful to know that one day, while I will always mourn that baby, the pain would not be so sharp. I also remember the cruelty of waiting with heavily pregnant women and their several small children - amazing lack of sensitivity by hospital planners isn't it.

DewDr0p Wed 08-May-13 10:46:55

I'm so sorry OP. Be kind to yourself and try and ignore the unhelpful comments (I think the Miscarriage Association has a helpful list of things not to say, perhaps ask dh to email a link to the worst offenders?)

You may have already been in but I also found staring at the ceiling the best way to get through it. Take care.

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 10:47:03

Thinking of you tomkat. Come back & talk to us after the scan if you can x

Gradually things will change with hospital planning. If building from scratch now I very much doubt epads and ante-natal would be co-located and that's exactly because women have bravely said 'that hurts'.

In the hospital I work in EPADS is on the gynae ward. It's off the same main corridor as ante-natal but just about everything in the hospital is and at least it's not the same waiting room.

Thinking of you brave ladies.

I've been through this too, I'm thinking of you.

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 14:43:43

We're home and even more bereft than before I think. Although given the choice I didn't look at the screen. Everyone was so nice.

Got home and my parents had popped over. Not the best timing and more of the same cliches. Then I lost it. DH, and my folks full pelt. Oops. Feel really bad now.

Am booked in on Friday for an ERPC. Little bean hasnt moved, I knew he was still there. Am hoping will wake up and be able to move on a little after Friday.

Right now I can't get any comfort from anywhere apart from posting on here. I don't want hugs from DH. Feel really guilty about that to.

Love love everyone xxx

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 15:01:32

I think it can be difficult to want sympathy from someone who isn't actually going through it themselves (physically I mean).

Your DH will be grieving too though so try to grieve together if you can - it will make things easier - but I know what you mean about not wanting sympathy from DH as I kinda felt the same initially.

Don't worry about losing it, you're under a hell of a stress at the moment.

Try & take things as easy as you can over the next few days & talk to your DH (not straightaway if you don't feel like it) but its good if you can both share how you feel.

I really hope this hasn't come across as patronising, that wasn't my intention.

Hugs again thanks

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 15:13:49

Oh no mog not at all. Thank you for your kind words. It's not a battle as to who hurts the most I know that. I'm looking forward to this anger subsiding a little. Xx

lotsofcheese Wed 08-May-13 15:23:22

I'm so sorry. It's the most desolate feeling in the world.

This won't be any consolation, but I had 2 ERCP's & found the process easy physically. And it did help me move on emotionally too.

Take it very easy & don't expect too much of yourself over the next wee while xxx

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 16:02:03

It will subside tomkat, just be kind to yourself & rest as much as you can x

BabsAndTheRu Wed 08-May-13 16:13:05

To Tomkat and Noahsmummy, sending all our love to you both. I remember thinking I was doing okay until I got to EPAU and couldn't even say my name. Horrible horrible shitty time.

Surreylass37 Wed 08-May-13 16:39:34

Glad to hear they were all nice and you didn't have to look. It's also good that you won't have to wait too long for the ERPC. I am hoping that I will be booked in quickly as I also don't feel I can grieve or move on until then. I am also struggling withDH as he is just acting like all is normal and that I should be too. How can I be normal when my body feels anything but?

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 17:52:00

They gave me a choice of Friday sat or sun, it was a no brainer.

Sorry to hear struggling with DH, I guess he's thinking that if he acts like business as usual then he's being strong for you, whilst dying on the inside. Men are complicated beasts aren't they. Mine can do no right whatever but I keep apologising!

Xx

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 17:52:38

Thank you cheese, mog and babs xxc

CupcakeFanatic Wed 08-May-13 18:23:10

I wanted to hold everyone's hand on here too. I had an ERPC in March, early scans revealed that the progress of my pregnancy had stopped at around the six week mark and a heartbeat had not started sad

I'll be thinking of you on Friday when you go in for you ERPC. Feel free to message me xxxxx

googietheegg Wed 08-May-13 19:07:55

Thinking of you tomkat, what a shitty day.

Forgetfulmog Wed 08-May-13 19:35:44

You're welcome tomkat, take care x

UmBongo Wed 08-May-13 19:57:16

Sorry for the shitty situation you and Surreylass are in this week Tomcat. I had a mmc a few years ago, I tried to wait for it to come away but it didn't and ended up in hosp for a day taking the drugs. Not. Nice. You are right to go for the ERPC and as soon as. It shortens this horrid limbo and you can start grieving properly.

In a few weeks/months ring and talk to the midwife counsellor. I did, I did nothing but cry on her but it really did help, the only time I have talked to a counsellor. Good luck for friday.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. xxxx

Tomkat79 Wed 08-May-13 22:03:50

Sorry for your loss cupcake. How are you feeling now?

Hey umbongo, it's such a crap decision to make isn't it. Hope I have chosen the one that enables my body and mind to heal as soon as.

My doctor called me this evening, having received hospital confirmation of MC. Omg, I was so so touched. You know how GP's can be crap...well she really cared and has signed me off work for 2 weeks minimum so that I can get my self together. I asked her if she'd been through this and she said yes. It's alarmed me lately just how many people suffer this terrible loss.

Bought a lovey lavender plant thing that I am determined to keep alive, despite my track record. In the pot We've put a rainbow coloured garden windmill/spinner with 6 bright petals on it, one for every week of Life that we knew. It's nice watching it spin in the breeze.

Noahsmummy, it's almost Thursday. Soon be Friday. Hang on in there my lovely. Xx

Surreylass37 Thu 09-May-13 07:10:03

Morning Tomkat, I hope you are doing ok today

It's Thursday now and tomorrow is Friday! What a difference a week makes this time last week I was excited for my 12 week scan the next day and turning 12 weeks and we were planning on announcing our news, This week I have a broken heart and am wanting a scan so that I can be offered an ERPC as soon as possible so that I can start to move on a little (after a week to think I think that is the best option for me) I wonder if my hospital will offer a weekend appointment like yours I would prefer not to have another weekend in limbo I will prepare myself for it though just incase.

That was lovely of your GP. It is alarming how many people have been through it .

The plant is a lovely idea as is the windmill xx

Forgetfulmog Thu 09-May-13 08:26:29

Good luck for tomorrow Surrey. I suspect at the moment you're really struggling to believe what's actually happened. It's a nightmare situation isn't it? I hope you don't have to wait too long thanks

Tomkat79 Thu 09-May-13 09:03:43

Morning,
I know, there is no way of making sense of any of this yet so don't even try. I'm sure your hospital will offer you a weekend apt if they can. They gave me Friday and sat option on Day procedure unit or the Sunday list via theatres and ward admission. The sun option would have been friendlier but I would also be next to women in for termination!! Err no cheers!

How's DH today? Hope the sun is shining where you are. It helps me. And dear little Noah. Bet he's had lots more squeezes this week. Don't think you can love them anymore do you, but this week I've felt extra blessed to have my 6yo and have spoilt him rotten!

Love love xx

Surreylass37 Thu 09-May-13 09:57:10

DH is at work, think he is ok though. He was quiet last night and stayed up til midnight painting doors. Seems being busy is his way of coping. How is your DH doing?

THe sun is shining at the moment and that really helps though doesnt look like it will be for long.

Noah has been getting plenty of cuddles and he is helping me through it though he has no idea. He keeps me very busy chasing around after him so distracts me a lot.

xx

Tomkat79 Thu 09-May-13 10:12:58

Bless him. Our DS made a wish last night that mummy would lay another egg real soon. No dry eyes anywhere!

Typing this watching my DH mend a retro nintendo game from the 80's. he's also keeping busy! My mum reckons my dad has been up in his shed lots since finding out. Bless em.

Off out for first time this week (apart from hospital visits!) into town just for change of scenery. It'll be friggin bumps, prams and babies on billboards. Grrrr.

Here's hoping the sun stays out xxx

Surreylass37 Thu 09-May-13 17:00:23

Aww bless your DS that's so sweet.

I hope your trip out went well and I hope there wasn't too many bumps and prams. I had friends round for a coffee not feeling particularly social. It helped a few hours go by though.

xx

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Tomkat79 Thu 09-May-13 20:54:09

Oh dear. Tension running a little too high in this house tonight. Just had a fight over where some furniture is going to go. Stomach cramping like anything, am praying that bean stays put overnight as dont think I can go thru anymore and just want this op so can move on.

God life's a bitch sometimes. Can hear DH crying in the kitchen. Wish I could comfort him but feeling so wound up right now :-(

Forgetfulmog Thu 09-May-13 21:05:08

Handholding Tomkat. You're both going to get through this, I promise you.

Do you feel like you & DH could just hug each other?

Surreylass37 Thu 09-May-13 21:25:48

Sending you a big hug tomkat. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day and I will be thinking of you x

Tomkat79 Thu 09-May-13 21:37:52

We just did. Big hug that seemed to last forever. He needs to let it out as much as me but thinks he has to be strong bless him.

I'll be thinking of you too lovely. What time is your scan? X

Surreylass37 Thu 09-May-13 21:52:13

So glad you had a big hug. I need one too but DH is out hope he's home soon. Was kind of pleased Noah wouldn't go down to sleep for ages, must have known his mummy needed a cuddle (and a hair pull!)

My scan is 9.30. What time are you in? X
Ps just heard the car door so will get that cuddle now

Tomkat79 Thu 09-May-13 22:06:10

Yeah grab him and hold him as tight as you can for as long as you need. Our DS is full of questions. He knows mummy's tummy hurts right now and he asked if he could give it a kiss to make me feel better. Love that boy.

Glad it's an early scan for you. Push for weekend surgery if you can. We have to be there at 7. Am scheduled for the morning list so can be anytime from then on until about midday I think. DPU told me earlier that they have single sex wards to DH can't even be with me. They said they'd try and sort a side room. I'm like yes I think you'd better!!

Will be thinking of you in the morning. Sending you all the strength in the world xxx

Surreylass37 Fri 10-May-13 07:32:56

Thinking of you x

Tomkat79 Fri 10-May-13 07:49:06

And you sweetheart. Not long now. Xx

Sending a <<hug>> (very unmumsnet!) and as much strength as I can for both of you today.

Bakingtins Fri 10-May-13 08:05:14

Thinking of you both today.

Forgetfulmog Fri 10-May-13 08:08:11

Good luck Surrey & tomkat, thinking of you both today thanks

Tomkat79 Fri 10-May-13 08:42:21

My timing is impeccable. Have been cramping since 4-30, like mild labour pains. Am on ward and have just passed something that they've taken away in a pot. Looks like they still want to go ahead. Have spoken to the surgeon, told him to go easy on my uterus as ill be needing that again sometime soon. Everyone is so so kind.

So nice to have you guys here, DH has to wait in the waiting room xxx

Forgetfulmog Fri 10-May-13 08:59:15

Not long to go now tomkat & then you & DH can start to get on with your life (I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will both get through this) x

googietheegg Fri 10-May-13 09:36:46

Morning tomkat and mr tomkat. Thinking of you both today, it's no fun.

Tomkat79 Fri 10-May-13 09:46:57

Just had another scan, Bubba still there! It must really like it! Erpc still going ahead.

Hope they're not keeping you waiting too long NM/SL

Xxx

Tomkat79 Fri 10-May-13 15:08:03

Am home. All done no complications. Time to start healing properly now.

Let us know how you are Noah's mummy when you feel ready.

Much love everyone xxx

MrsArmitageQOTR Fri 10-May-13 15:30:40

Glad you're home. Been thinking of you. Take care.

NoahsMummyJul12 Fri 10-May-13 17:58:26

Glad you are home tomkat and there were no complications. I hope you are feeling ok and you can start healing emotionally well as much as you can do

Unfortunately the physical part isn't over for me yet and won't be for nearly a week. The scan confirmed the miscarriage and nothing has changed from last week. Unfortunately they still can't rule out partial molar pregnancy as the placenta looks abnormal and my hcg levels are too high compared to when the pregnancy actually stopped. Which is why I still feel pregnant at times apparently. I have no option apart frm the ERPC as it needs analysis. The earliest they can get me in is on Thursday so another near week of limbo for me unless my body does it naturally :-(

Xx

Tomkat79 Fri 10-May-13 19:03:59

Oh Noahsmummy I was so hoping for a weekend date for you. What a total shit. A week for us was agony but we got through it together and you'll do the same. We all still have a way to go, but I can tell from your posts that you're strong and sending you extra strength.

One thing I've learnt this week is that it's ok to feel how I feel whenever. I've allowed myself to be angry, bitter, twisted, sad and positive. The whole lot. Be kind to yourself too.

Hope all the staff were nice today. I've been shocked at the compassion I've seen. Kinda restores your faith a little xxx

NoahsMummyJul12 Sat 11-May-13 11:53:00

Hope you are feeling ok today tomkat x

Tomkat79 Sat 11-May-13 12:11:41

Bereft. Just about sums it up today.

How you doing? X

CupcakeFanatic Sat 11-May-13 14:28:16

Big hugs to all that need them today xxxxx

Tomkat79 Sat 11-May-13 18:13:53

Hi Cupcake

I just read your story on the ERPC hormone thread. Made me cry. Sending you back a tight squeeze xx

CupcakeFanatic Sat 11-May-13 18:43:48

Thanks for the tight squeeze Tomkat, I always welcome them smile I'm sorry for inadvertently making you cry xxxxx

Tomkat79 Sat 11-May-13 19:11:05

Oh don't be. I think you're amazingly brave. Am sure one day you will have a baby here with you on earth. X

NoahsMummyJul12 Sun 12-May-13 07:19:46

I read your post too and have to say it got me all emotional too. Sending you a big hug.

I hope you are doing ok today and you are coping ok with it all physically and emotionally. Do you have any plans for today?

I tried the manly approach yesterday of keeping busy, and well it worked for a bit but as soon as I stopped I was back to where I was. Still no signs of it happening naturally so think I have 4 more days to go

The suns out this morning which is lovely and I think we are going out today which will be a nice distraction.
x

Tomkat79 Sun 12-May-13 20:41:52

Hi all

God what a Sunday. Boilers gone wrong so no hot water, took on Asda complete with their 'baby' event, attempted some flat pack furniture which arrived broken, eaten too much bread and now i feel a total hormonal wreck!

Have at times managed to laugh through all this crap but now I just feel shocking. Guess it's coming up for a week since baby died which doesn't help.

Did you go anywhere nice today Noah's Mummy? Been raining here. Know what you mean about keeping busy. My body is demanding I rest but my minds in overdrive and doesn't it hit when you stop.

Love x

Forgetfulmog Sun 12-May-13 20:59:28

Hi tomkat

I remember thinking I was ok only to feel utterly crushed at seeing another baby announcement on fb or watching another baby advert on tv. It just felt like everyone was getting on with their lives apart from me. Just do wherever makes it a bit easier for you to cope with atm. But bear in mind you do need to rest - your body has been through a trauma & needs to physically heal (the emotional scars will take longer I'm afraid). X

Forgetfulmog Sun 12-May-13 20:59:35

Hi tomkat

I remember thinking I was ok only to feel utterly crushed at seeing another baby announcement on fb or watching another baby advert on tv. It just felt like everyone was getting on with their lives apart from me. Just do wherever makes it a bit easier for you to cope with atm. But bear in mind you do need to rest - your body has been through a trauma & needs to physically heal (the emotional scars will take longer I'm afraid). X

Tomkat79 Sun 12-May-13 21:31:21

Thanks Mog. Comes in such strong waves doesn't it?

I don't do resting v well at the best of times. Not too sure what pain killing pessary they stuck where on Friday but it was amazing. Have certainly noticed that today has not been as comfortable!

X

NoahsMummyJul12 Sun 12-May-13 21:46:14

I hope your boilers fixable tomkat and you aren't without hot water too long. Sounds like an eventful day. Sending you a big hug about it being nearly a week must be so hard.

I am the same have had a lovely day at a national trust garden with Dh, ds and my in laws and then I got home and bam! It hit me again sad

I am currently ok with babies & baby stuff as having a 10 month old I have no choice but to be really. Spend a lot if time own that aisle buying stuff and at baby groups. It's bumps that I find hard to see and am avoiding FB as a couple of friends have announced they are due in November

Off to try get some sleep now, not found it easy to the last couple of nights but am shattered from the fresh air so fingers crossed. Night night

X

Tomkat79 Sun 12-May-13 21:56:25

Glad you enjoyed a day out, sounds lovely.

Yeah night times are my worst. Hope you sleep well hon.

X

Kasterborous Sun 12-May-13 23:23:39

I've just read this thread I'm so sorry for your losses. It's horrible and takes time to get over, I still find myself getting upset over my miscarriages. Some days it just hits out of the blue. I think you never 'get over them' just learn to live with it.

Big hugs to you all

Tomkat79 Tue 14-May-13 18:35:49

Hey Noahsmummy, how you doing? Any sign of anything happening naturally yet? Xx

NoahsMummyJul12 Tue 14-May-13 20:01:34

Hi Tomkat, how are you? How are you feeling?

I am ok seem to be on auto pilot and just going with it at the moment. Am an expert in molar pregnancies as have worn out google. Have convinced myself it is one before I have even had the ERPC (or SMOM as my hospital call them) let alone the diagnosis - just like me always looking on the positive side - well maybe not ;-)

No sign at all of anything happening naturally and really don't think it will now. Still having pregnancy symptoms too so am assuming I am still producing Hcg. It's horrible feeling pregnant when I know I am not.

Xxx

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