I've been waiting for weeks now and I am not coping

(44 Posts)
hotcrosbum Fri 26-Apr-13 08:21:08

Had a private scan on 12th April where I was told the baby had probably died a week and a half before (I had had a scan 2 weeks previously when I thought I was 8 weeks, but I measured 7 and while there was a heartbeat, it was low, I knew something was up, as I knew when I conceived).

So, I have been waiting ever since. I went to the hospital on tuesday to get the ball rolling just incase. As my previous scans were private and this was an NHS hospital, they have to do their own scans a week apart. Even the dr I saw said it was madness, my private scans were done by an extremely good consultant with far superior machines to the ones they have at the hospital, but it's NHS policy. WHich I don't mind, as it's bought me another week. Well more really, as I have booked to go in for the next scan next friday.

I have no signs of anything happening. No cramping, no bleeding, nothing. I have even tried acupuncture and reflexology to try and get it moving.

All my pregnancy symptoms are long gone, I feel absolutely great infact (I feel terrible during pregnancy).

I am terrified of the surgical procedure. I had a terrifying reaction to GA when I was a child.

The dr I saw said I could have pills, but that at the size everything was, he wouldn't recommend it, as the risk of haemorrhage was so high.

I just want things to happen on their own, but it doesn't seem like it's going to. I am ok with losing the baby now, I have grieved and got over it, I am just worried about myself.

Rockchick1984 Fri 26-Apr-13 10:37:52

Hot I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. I posted on one of your other threads about the possibility of a local anaesthetic rather than general, have you spoken to the Dr about this? I had ERPC done under general on 10th April and although I was nervous it was actually fine, only 30 mins from meeting the anaesthesiologist to waking up.

hotcrosbum Fri 26-Apr-13 10:49:08

I wouldn't have it under local - I have spoken to the private consultant who I was having scans with and my GP, both said that it was really not nice, that there could still be some discomfort and panic. I wouldn't want to do it.

I was hoping it would happen on it's own, I still have a week until the next scan.

I have spoken to a few women who have had ERPCs, I know the risks are low, but when I had a GA as a child, I couldn't wake up. I was aware of them shaking me, shouting my name, the panic as the ambulance was called (it was for a dental procedure), my mother crying and trying to wake me up, arriving at hospital where I finally came round. I was aware the whole time and trying to scream or move but I couldn't. It's left me with life long scars, for ten years I was terrified to go to sleep, I set an alarm to wake me every 20 mins, it was only when I moved in with my first husband that I was able to sleep. I am petrified of going through that again.

Rockchick1984 Fri 26-Apr-13 11:10:42

Hopefully it will happen naturally for you. I think you need to spend the next week deciding which of the options is less scary for you - I completely understand why you wouldn't be keen on the GA with your past experience, but obviously you may have no choice but to have the procedure one way or the other so at least you have time to decide which you would be less terrified of.

Rockchick1984 Fri 26-Apr-13 11:11:16

Have you discussed your reaction to the GA last time with the dr? Could he offer you any reassurances about it not happening again?

hotcrosbum Fri 26-Apr-13 11:24:53

The doctor said it probably wasn't that bad and that I have built it up in my head over the years. It was that bad, I know what I went through, my father knows what I went through, he honestly thought they were going to lose me.

i don't know what to do, i feel lost at the moment.

Daisybell1 Fri 26-Apr-13 12:08:16

That sounds absolutely terrifying! I'm not surprised you're scared out of your wits. I really hope it happens naturally for you.

Would it help to have a chat with an anaesthetist, not a dr? I had an erpc on Wednesday (my second) and I referred directly to the Gynae ward as that's where I would be treated.

Both times the anaesthetists have been amazing. I would ask if you could go in and have a chat directly with them. They were simply brilliant (the first time the anaesthetist held my hand as I was going under and said "It'll be over soon sweetheart". He was simply lovely and so compassionate). The second time we talked about wine smile

I suspect that anaesthetics have moved on a lot since the time of your dental, plus if you need to have it then you are in the right place with specialist anaesthetists, not dentists.

When I had my C-section they gave me a phenomenal tranquiliser. I swear its what they use to bring down a Rhino in the Kalahari, but that was amazing. Something like that should be available to you, and Oramorph afterwards helps with both physical and emotional pain.

Thinking of you

Bakingtins Fri 26-Apr-13 13:17:01

I've had medical management for an 8 week pregnancy so it may be worth asking more questions about that. My understanding was they use medical management well past the point at which they can do an ERPC, i.e. for 2nd trim miscarriages. Miscarriage association says risk of haemorrhage is 1% more info on risks/choices here

hotcrosbum Fri 26-Apr-13 13:32:45

When I was speaking to the dr at the hospital he scared me witless about medical management.

He said the pregnancy was big - fetus 1cm and sac 3cm - and that I would probably haemorrhage. However, when my GP saw those measurements on my scan, she said that it wasn't that large a pregnancy, and that the best option was for it to hopefully happen naturally confused

The private obstetrician who scanned me said that I should wait for something natural to happen if I could as well, he didn't seem to see such a horrendous problem.

The hospital dr spent ages telling me the bleeding with the pill (and natural) would be horrific and I would probably end up in hospital.

He also confused me as he said that they would only do medical management up to 9 weeks, and that by the time I come back for the second scan, I would be 14 weeks. But surely, I an still only technically 8 weeks 'pregnant' as it has all stopped growing?

The hospital had such a terrible attitude to me anyway though, as I was having private care and my GP is private. They were extremely rude to her when she called them to refer me, she warned me that all her private patients that she refers to the NHS are treated with distain, so that stressing me out as well.

Bakingtins Sat 27-Apr-13 08:45:50

Get another opinion. I've had natural miscarriages at 8+10 weeks and medical miscarriage at 8 weeks, and an ERPC for retained placenta after the birth of my son. Personally I would choose the ERPC as I have found the physical process of the miscarriages very distressing, but everyone is different, and if the worst thing for you is the prospect of GA then medical management to get things started sounds like your best option.
What he said makes no sense to me - there is a certain amount of tissue and lining in there and it has to come out one way or the other. I would think there is a small risk of excessive bleeding due to the uterus not contracting down with any of the methods - if that happens then you need additional medical attention. If they are that worried then could you not stay in hospital until you pass the sac? IME after that the bleeding settles down to period-like proportions.
It's not on to add to your distress by frightening you unnecessarily - get another opinion and, when you feel strong enough, complain!

PointlessCow Sat 27-Apr-13 10:11:53

So sorry for your loss.

I had medical management of an 11+4 loss yesterday. Obviously I don't know your circumstances but when my options were all explained to me I certainly didn't get the impression that the choice between natural/medical/surgical would be vastly different for an 8 week loss.

I was horrified at the thought of passing the baby whilst conscious and was starting to regret not going for the ERPC, but in all honesty the medical process although emotional, was far less physically (and emotionally) traumatic that I anticipated.

I had the first tablet on Wednesday and had to return to hospital on Friday. In the meantime I had a tiny bit of brown spotting and no cramps. I was given pessaries and antibiotics at 9ish. My waters went at 10:20 and I quickly passed the baby. The placenta followed about 20 minutes later.

The staff were all lovely and we were home by 1 o'clock. For me I think being in hospital was the right decision as it helped me feel safe. Being at home and seeing my baby, possibly in the middle of the night would have been more upsetting. And as we have DCs to deal with, going to hospital and getting it 'managed' was best for us.

In your position, I would seek a second opinion. Hope everything goes well for you flowers

PointlessCow Sat 27-Apr-13 10:15:00

Oh, BTW, in our hospital, under medical management you do stay in hospital until everything is passed.

The nurses checked the foetus and placenta to ensure they were intact. Then they let me wait until the bleeding had slowed a bit until I was given antibiotics and discharged. Obviously this could be different to other health authorities.

hotcrosbum Sat 27-Apr-13 14:07:02

The hospital said they don't have a ward or rooms for women having medical management, that I would have to call an ambulance if I was bleeding heavily or go to A&E (the ambulance wouldn't take me there anyway as it is not the nearest hospital to me, my local hospital with A&E is the pits and my gp wouldn't refer me there, it has an appalling reputation for everything and is due for closure, and I don't fancy a 20 min taxi ride to this hospital under those circumstances).

Still praying that something happens naturally.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 27-Apr-13 14:28:28

hotcrosbum, I am so very sorry to hear this, I had no idea. I hope it does happen naturally for you.

I have had a surgical management of a miscarriage and I found it ok, although naturally I see that you do not want this.

PointlessCow Sat 27-Apr-13 14:32:29

I'm astonished that care can differ so much between different health authorities. It really is appalling.

Perhaps the Miscarriage Association would be able to advise here

GuffSmuggler Sat 27-Apr-13 14:38:38

Hi hotcros I also posted on your early thread. I'm so sorry things haven't started naturally for you as you had hoped.

I second the person who said speak to an anaesthetist about your anxiety, you need to really go overboard with them about how distressing this would be for you.

I (with no medical experience) don't see why they couldn't give you a spinal block to have it. My understanding is the GA is recommended mainly because it's not a very pleasant procedure and is better for you emotionally, but if emotionally the GA is going to send you crazy I'm sure they would discuss other options. It really is a quick, non-evasive procedure that takes about 10 mins.

They can also give you a relaxing sedative before a spinal block (my mum had knee surgery like this and it was a good experience).

I think you need to demand to see the anaesthetist as I'm sure they would be very helpful.

Take care x

TrudyW Sun 28-Apr-13 16:15:30

Hi there, I am really sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to say that I had medical management at 13 weeks, I was told that the baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks yet the sac and everything else was still measuring 13weeks. I chose medical as have never had a GA go my life and was afraid of that, in my own head I also wanted to have 'given birth' to the baby. I can say that I had one evening of awful pain where I could feel everything coming away inside but I still didn't lose anything til I was due back to be admitted to 'complete' as they call it, although that part is extremely emotional I didn't find the pain any worse than bad period cramps. I was however extremely surprised at what actually came out, there was an awful lot more than we expected. I just felt the need to choose that method as a way of my grieving process but everyone is different just wanted to share my experience to give u an idea. I wish u all the best and hope u get the help and support u need x

GuffSmuggler Tue 30-Apr-13 09:32:31

Hi hotcros, how are you doing? x

hotcrosbum Tue 30-Apr-13 10:49:58

Hi, STILL waiting for something to happen.

Physically, I feel bloody fantastic. Not a problem in sight, pregnancy symptoms all disappeared weeks ago.

Mentally, not coping too well. I wake up in the mornings in a panic, I suddenly remember what is happening and it's like waking up into a nightmare.

My appointment is friday, I don't know what to do or ask for still. I am so confused and the hospital are pretty crap to be honest.

GuffSmuggler Tue 30-Apr-13 19:58:36

I'm so sorry this limbo phase is absolutely horrendous sad

If nothing has happened by Friday after the scan they will get you to see a gynae - you need to really stress that you fear you may have had some kind of allergic reaction to anaesthetic in the past and this is causing you enormous anxiety affecting your mental health and you fear for your physical health being put under a GA again.

You must insist on seeing an anaesthesiologist to discuss your options.

I think you really need to go overboard and I think using the words allergic reaction to anaesthetic will mean they can't ignore your fears any longer.

Is there anyone that can go with you to lobby on your behalf in case it all gets a bit much?

PointlessCow Thu 02-May-13 13:36:04

Hope you're okay today hotcros. Best of luck for tomorrow's appointment. I second taking someone with you if possible.

hotcrosbum Thu 02-May-13 13:42:34


I am going on my own, I don't have any close enough friends to go with me, I only really know school gate people to talk to and the odd person from my college course. 'D'h hasn't contacted me since he left.

My tummy is huge today and a bit hard and I am slightly cramps - just like I get before a period, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Bakingtins Thu 02-May-13 14:37:52

Didn't realise you were facing this on your own sad you could really do with someone to support you, drive you home, tuck you up in bed etc. Don't you have any family nearby? I've had to go for bad-news scans on my own because DH has had to do the childcare and it's horrible.
Does (not-so-D)H know?

hotcrosbum Thu 02-May-13 15:50:43

We split a few weeks ago. Our baby was planned, but he turned on me when we found out I was pg. Shouting, creaming in my face. He had about 5 huge blow ups in the 9 weeks I was pregnant. He was horrible to me when we lost the baby. I couldn't live like it anymore so he's been gone a couple of weeks. As far as he was concerend, the baby is dead, move on (although it wasn't a baby to him, it was "cells, nothing", despite seeing it's little heart beating at the first scan).

I have no family, all dead. I am on my own with my 11 year old, his father was a shit too, so I have to hide everything. ds didn't know, he doesnt know dh has left (he loved him), he thinks hes away working. He'll be devastated. My life is a fucking mess.

hotcrosbum Thu 02-May-13 15:51:35

Um......that would be screaming, not creaming. Actually chuckled to myself there for the first time in weeks.

EuroShaggleton Thu 02-May-13 15:57:54

I'm sorry you are facing this and very sorry that you are facing this alone.

I mc'd in March. I was also keen to avoid the surgical option (for me, it was because my mum had a D&C when I was a child, caught an infection and nearly died). I did everything within my power to make my body an inhospitable place - strong coffee, very hard overheating runs, acu to try to get things moving, etc. Fortunately it happened naturally for me, although I have no idea whether any of that helped and it would have started when it did anyway.

I hope you can get closure on this soon.

hotcrosbum Thu 02-May-13 16:04:13

How long did you have to wait? Its four weeks tomorrow that I was told the baby died.

hotcrosbum Fri 03-May-13 11:20:05

Back from the hospital.

The doctor I saw today was absolutely lovely, she showed me so much kindness and compassion.

She went through things with me properly, said that in her opinion, I had done the right thing in waiting. She went through options again, properly this time, and the upshot is, I am booked in for medical management to take the first tablets on wednesday, and the second lot fri (my son is at his fathers next weekend, she said as I have waited so long, I may as well wait a bit longer to make things more convenient to me). But, she is also booking me for a D&C friday incase I change my mind.

I had another scan - the sac has collapsed a bit, is this a good sing for impending miscarriage?

hotcrosbum Fri 03-May-13 11:22:36

Oh and she also apologised for the other dr. SHe said while there were no beds to start medical management, if I become distressed at any time with the bleeding at home, or I am not coping with the pain or bleeding, then of course I could call them and they would admit me for observation.

PointlessCow Fri 03-May-13 12:45:22

So pleased it went well hotcross.

Read the miscarriage tips thread so you know what to expect. I had the first tablet last Wednesday then the pessaries on Friday at about 9:00. The baby was out by 10:20, and the placenta by 10:40. After 11:30ish, the blood loss was manageable and I was home by 1.

So sorry you are going through this alone. Hope it goes as well as can be expected for you.

hotcrosbum Fri 03-May-13 12:56:06

I am still scared of medical management though, as I will be at home on my own. Still in two minds about what to do, but the dr was so nice, she really put me at ease.

I was relived to see the sac was irregular and collapsing though, I was beginning to despair of my stupid body no being able to do anything right, can't carry a baby properly/can't miscarry a baby properly.

Am now driving myself insane googling collapsed sacs and how long until miscarriage....

GuffSmuggler Fri 03-May-13 13:35:27

Glad you saw a better dr hotcros sounds the other one was awful.

All the best with the medical management, lots of lovely people here will be able to help you through it. If you still need to go down the ERPC route PLEASE insist you discuss things with an anaesthesiologist first.

One way or another you'll be through all of this soon x

hotcrosbum Fri 03-May-13 13:54:53


Mumsnet really is quite something, I don't think I would have got through the past few months without it, especially as I don't have any real support or anyone to talk to about this.

I am still on the fence. My main problem is that although ds is with his father next weekend, I have an 10 hour round trip on trains and tubes to collect him and bring him home on the sunday. Ex is totally unflexable, he will not bring him back, so I have to do it. No one else to do it. I certainly can't tell ex my reasons, he will use it as yet another bit of ammo against me in his case to have ds live with him and his wife.

If I take the second lot of tablets on the friday, will the worst be over by sunday?

Thats why I am now thinking toward a D&C on friday - I am terrified but there is more chance of me dragging myself half way accross the counrty and back on Sunday.

Rockchick1984 Fri 03-May-13 14:02:32

Glad you saw a better dr. No experience of medical management, but after ERPC I was physically fine by the next day - even on the same day I was just tired afterwards. I hope you get sorted one way or the other.

hotcrosbum Sat 04-May-13 11:38:22

I started cramping last night and have just started bleeding lightly this morning, so hopefully it will pass soon.

PointlessCow Sat 04-May-13 12:11:36

Hope you're okay. When/if it gets heavy, maybe sit on the loo with a cuppa and a magazine. Do you have DS with you?

hotcrosbum Sat 04-May-13 13:12:38

Yes, he's here today. I don't want him to be scared. I've text a few of his school friends parents to see if anyone can take him for tonight/tomorrow.

I don't know what to expect now, bleeding is still quite light.

hotcrosbum Sun 05-May-13 08:46:23

This is a bit long, please don't read if you are waiting a MC and scared, I was unlucky and had complications that I was told are pretty rare, but I just wanted to update and thank everyone who has been so kind over the past couple of weeks.

It's all over. I am so relieved.

I had a horrific day yesterday, ended up being blue lighted to hospital at 7pm, fitting and passing out in the ambulance (turns out that fitting can be a complication of the cervix not dilating properly). Thankfully I called 999 as soon as I was feeling like I was going to faint, they were here in minuets, I passed out on the paramedic when he walked in. Thank god I called them or I would have passed out on my own. My blood pressure was going haywire, low to high, low to high.

Oh, and they didn't take me to the shitty local hospital, they called the EPU where I had been referred to and the A&E at the hospital agreed to take the ambulance there as they had all my notes so could see me faster, I was so relieved.

It came on so fast. The bleeding was light but I was getting contractions, getting closer and closer together and then at 3pm, all hell broke loose and I was on the toilet for the next four hours (tmi, sorry) but I was bleeding like a hosepipe and loosing clot after clot (I will never forget that feeling, it's disgusting), getting bigger all the time. The pain was manageable (ish) after I took codine, but when that wore off, it overwhelmed me and I started to feel like I was going to die, I really thought I was bleeding to death hence the 999 call.

Gas and air in the ambulance was amazing, took me to A&E and I was assessed immediately and only had to wait 10 mins for a dr. SHe had a look and what she thought was the sac was stuck in my cervix (it hadn't dilated enough as it had all been so fast) so she removed it (that was the most painful part of it all, I was in tears) and immediately, all the pain and panic went, it was like it had been lifted like magic.

They said it was the sac and fetus, they have kept it all for testing. I was pathetically grateful that I hadn't flushed my baby down the loo.

They took some bloods to make sure I wasn't anaemic after so much blood loss (thankfully, my body seemed to have coped well and all my blood levels were normal), and with the promise that I would go home and stay in bed for two days, they let me go at 11pm.

All the staff were amazing, I was treated swiftly and professionally with so much kindness and compassion from everyone, the ambulance crew, nurses, drs, I really couldn't have asked for better care, I was so impressed (Queen Charlottes, Hammersmith if anyone is interested).

I now only have period type bleeding and slight pain, no more clots.

Thank god one of the mums from school came straight to get ds, he's staying with them until tonight. He left just before things got really bad, I honestly don't know what would have happened if he had been here, he would have been terrified.

When I told the dr I had been booked in for medical management on wed, she said to me that if I am ever in this situation again, please don't consider it. If my body reacted in such a violent way to a natural miscarriage, the medical management would have been far worse. So thank god it happened the way it did.

I am back for a scan on wednesday, but like I said, I just have period bleeding, not even that heavy, so I think that is everything gone, fingers crossed.

If this ever happens to me again, I am having a D&C right away. At about 6pm last night, if someone had handed me a gun, I would have happily shot myself, I felt that bad. My fear of a GA is now nothing to my fear of a natural MC, my body after four weeks of nothing, went into overdrive for some reason, my bathroom looked like a murder scene.

Rockchick1984 Sun 05-May-13 08:59:32

Oh Hot I'm so sorry it was a horrendous experience for you! Try to focus on the fact that its over now, and that your son didn't have to see what you experienced.

If its any help, I found that dealing with the physical aspects of the miscarriage and pushing the emotions to the back of my mind until the bleeding stopped was the best way for me to cope - am now trying to deal with the emotional side of it all.

GuffSmuggler Sun 05-May-13 09:17:48

Oh hotcros I'm so so sorry, you poor thing, have a massive hug.

You can have some peace now the physical side is all over, please just rest up as much as possible and take time to recover both physically and emotionally.

Miscarriage is the biggest toll on both your body and mind and you have been so brave to get through this on your own. Please be kind to yourself, it will take time to get over this but you will feel better as each day passess.

Keep posting here to get support.
Take care x

hotcrosbum Sun 05-May-13 09:31:47


I am just feeling relief at the mo, that yesterday, and all the weeks of worry and stress are over.

DS just phoned me, he's happy at his friends house, he thought it was just an impromptu sleepover, he had no idea anything was wrong.

I have nothing in the house as was planning to go food shopping yesterday, so his friends mum is dropping some supplies over for me in a bit (including a rather large chocolate cake apparently!), I only really know her to chat to at the school gate, but it turns out she's had six MC, so she has been so kind to me, I am so grateful that there are such good people in the world.

PointlessCow Sun 05-May-13 20:36:26

You poor thing! So pleased it is all over for you and you had the presence of mind to phone 999 when you did. Well done you.

And thank goodness for your friend, so pleased you have some real life support now xx

hotcrosbum Wed 08-May-13 12:07:34

I had my follow up scan this morning and all is well. Miscarriage was complete and there is only minimal 'product' remaining, which should be expelled over the next few weeks or with my first period.

The consultant was happy to discharge me from their care, so it's all over now, thank god.

GuffSmuggler Wed 08-May-13 13:11:37

That's great news hotcros, you can now start to grieve and slowly move on as the physical side is over. I remember this being a great relief for me and I could start to deal with my emotions.

Keep taking care of yourself and posting here for support x

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