Support thread for miscarriage and management of it -

(110 Posts)
dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 25-Feb-13 11:58:45

Sadly there seems to be a group of us going through a similar experience so I thought a shared thread may help to 'talk' on -

I'm currently hiding from the world in bed, lost all motivation for anything but not sleeping at night, had awful dreams like it was twins and one is still alive.

Had the ERPC on Wednesday evening after a scan in the afternoon, (was meant to be 11 weeks and baby had stopped at about 7 weeks) think that all happened quickly just by coincidence and the fact I hadn't eaten and space on the list etc - but realise everyone story is different -

Anyway I hope we can share and ask questions here, MN had helped me so much in the last 5 days -

Thinking of you all -

Mamab33 Mon 25-Feb-13 16:33:19

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You are right to do what feels right if you are lucky enough to have the time and space.

No shame in hiding from the world for a while. I found books and dvds a good escape.

It has been 4 weeks since mine and AF has arrived. Had no guidance on this from docs or MW so I was a bit worried. It is not worse than usual and I am relieved that my body is recovering.

Try to be kind to yourself smile

Sorry to hear your are going through this - it truly is a horrible experience for anyone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I had a complete miscarriage on 15th after two weeks of being in limbo and not knowing what was going on. I am going back to work tomorrow ( I have had 2 weeks off work).

While I have recovered (mostly) physically I am still feeling battered emotionally and sad that we are back to square one with ttc number 2.

Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need xxx

dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 25-Feb-13 17:34:41

Thanks for your post - it's scary how common it is and how it's just not talked about (in real life) and how the process to move on/heal is very much a lonely process up the individual -

Felt a bit manic this afternoon crying to country music after a hot bath but I think it was just permission to cry -

I did the same yesterday - just felt like I needed a really good cry so put on music that I knew would set me off and just cried for ages - think DH wondered what an earth I had been doing upstairs when I came down all puffy eyed!!

I'm back to work tomorrow and feeling really nervous about it - hope nothing sets me off!! X

Mamab33 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:45:51

Thinking of you both.

Hope you get on well back at work Mummytothearkbuilder

I have not told anyone in RL. Not sure why?? Found myself consolling an ex colleague who MC'd in Jan. Think it is just too raw atm. Maybe I need a good cry too...keep welling up at tv ads and silly things!

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 03-Mar-13 15:27:17

Ickle and others hopefully we can find some comfort sharing here -

Following on from the words on the other thread - I found these of comfort from the miscarriage association website;

'You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.'

icklemssunshine1 Sun 03-Mar-13 16:10:29

dora so pleased you started this thread. The week between finding I had the MMC and the ERPC I was surprisingly calm. Don't know if it was shock, disbelief or complete focus on ERPC. Now it's over I just feel empty - definitely the grief is for what won't be. I also didn't expect how painful it would be to hear that my friend & colleague is due 10 days after what would have been my EDD. Seeing her yesterday was hard but glad I did. I now have xon

icklemssunshine1 Sun 03-Mar-13 16:13:22

Sorry for incomplete msg - stupid iPhone!

I now have completely new worries: when will my period return, wil my fertility be affected, do I even want to put myself through this again?

Hope everyone is looking after themselves & having people looking after them!!

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 03-Mar-13 17:56:49

It's so hard to know what's best in regard to TTC - strangely I also think about timing in regard to the school year/maternity and returning - but that's just cause teaching is so structured -

The lovely consultant we saw said one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is so many...I like you think I could try again but if it happened again I would be floored -

That hysterical sobbing I was doing in the scan room saying just tell me, I can see there's no heartbeat so just confirm it - haunts me and the silent horrible internal scan to confirm and measure things was horrid and the hours of sobbing after and waiting for the ERPC and all the next day was unbearable -

But what saddens me is how quickly things move on and cause the due date is September, all the talk of jobs and new academic year, I drift into a dream world of how I should be at home with a newborn then -

I know so many people have lots of sad and sadder stories and it is so calming to read them all as it proves how strong women are, even when we feel broken, we can and do carry on -

icklemssunshine1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:07:17

I remember saying to DH when we for our BFP that I could get the most if the maternity pay - starting maternity in Sept & going back before end of July. Maybe I shouldn't have been so smug! It'll be very difficulty going back in Sept. Yesterday my friend told me of her friend who had miscarried but managed to be pregnant by her EDD. I have another friend who had a miscarriage who has also told me she became pregnant quite quickly - it's almost like everyone expects me to want to TTC immediately. Even my MIL said - when I told her I was opting for an ERPC & not medical management - 'oh that'll be good for getting pregnant quicker'. It's almost as if this baby has been forgotten & it's time to get a new one!

Did you tell colleagues what had happened? My dep know, one of SMT (who organises cover) & the head, no-one else as far as I'm aware. What age group do you teach? I teach 11-18 & they're most little buggers so its their questions I'm not looking forward to. My pupils are also quite arrogant & even if you're away from one lesson they get offended that a supply teacher takes them - God knows what they'll be like having had supply for 10 days!! Maybe I'll just shout 'I had a MMC' and stand back and watch their reactions!!

My DH has Mondays off from work so we're going to have a nice family day tomorrow. Finally take DD to the safari park - the activity we were planning to do over half term on the day I found out about the MMC.

How's work for you now?

Shellywelly1973 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:42:25

I've been posting in this small&caring part of MN since last Saturday.

I have 5dc. I've never had a mc. I had been very worried but i put that down to age etc.

Im left feeling so empty& raw...

I can't stand the noise of my dc. I don't care about the house/ uniforms /shopping. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to do anything but as of tomorrow everything is 'back to normal'

How do you go back to normal?

icklemssunshine1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:51:59

Shelly I wish I knew the answer. I also want to hide away but I know that I can't & I've also been a person who faces problems head on so that's what I'm going to do. 10 years ago I was married to someone else & he walked out after I found he had been having an affair. I would cry from the moment I got up to the moment I got to work & then as soon as I got in my car at then end if the day I would cry once again. I imagine that's what I'll so come Weds when I return to work because eventually the crying became less & less until one day I met my wonderful DH, had my beautiful DD and now it's hard to even imagine I was married before! As dora said in her last post, we're strong. We may not feel it at the moment but with each day a little of that strength will return. We must believe that smile

Shellywelly1973 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:17:40

I don't understand why I've fallen to bits...

I have a ds with ASD. I dealt with it head on... It took 2yrs to get a diagnosis. He was diagnosed at GOSH. Dp couldn't cope,so i dealt with everything by myself. Even the day of the diagnosis, i went by myself. I started to cry as i left but i told myself how lucky ds was to get a diagnosis. I just dealt with it.

Youngest ds is visually impaired, again just coped with it.

Deaths in the family, health problems to do my parents. Dp went through life threatening surgery last year. Redundancy...

I've coped with much worse. A MMC at 12 weeks is no where near as bad as what life can throw at you!

I feel like I've been kicked in the back of my legs...i can't carry on as normal & i don't actually want to. I feel like i want to escape for a bit, just get away for a while& not deal with everything & everyone.

Honestly if i had someone to look after the dc i would go away for a bit. I've never felt like this, i normally want my dc around when something happens. They make me feel normal.

I hate being in my own skin at the moment!

icklemssunshine1 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:40:48

I'm so sorry Shelly, you sound like you're having a really hard time coping at the moment. I'm having very dark moments but trying to think logically, telling myself its a mixture of grief, fear & the hormonal crash. Is there anyone IRL who can help? Can your OH take responsibility of the DC's for a bit? Maybe a trip to your GP tomorrow could help too - just talking can make a difference x

MrsSpencerReid Sun 03-Mar-13 21:14:30

Just popping in to say hello, found our nearly 2 weeks ago at what should have been 8w dating scan baby was measuring 5w due to a blood preg test I'd had I knew then I'd mc, had a scan last ties which confirmed but I'd already started bleeding and cramping, passed the sac etc wed and bleeding has stopped now, thought I was ok until OH evil bitch cousin popped round to mil earlier with her 20w bump hmm I didn't like her before so you can guess how much I like her now! Not back at work till 3w on Monday as I'm on annual leave but I work with babies and children so not looking forward to that! I can't believe how common this is but no one talks about it, my friends in rl have been so supportive even though they haven't experienced it so I'm glad they know, but am glad I can talk to people here too smile

goosey123 Sun 03-Mar-13 23:06:52

I thought I would say hello too, I'm about a week or so behind many of you and 'met' some of you on previous threads. I had mmc confirmed on wed. light bleeding just started today and booked in for erpc on wed if not done by then. I hate the fact that the beginning stages of miscarriage are so similar to how my labours have started. I should be going into labour around now to my baby boy I lost last year. Weird writing that down. I strangely feel like I've bought this on myself. What the hall was I thinking of trying for another baby again.

luckily I work with a team of very insightful, wise people, who stopped me going in last Thurs, and have made me take this week off. Sometimes you really need to be told to go and have space to grieve...

Quodlibet Sun 03-Mar-13 23:17:08

Hello all, same story here but 2 months on.
What I am learning is that logic has little to do with it. Shelly, your MC is not a lesser life hurdle than any of the other things you mentioned. I think maybe the fact that MC is barely ever talked about means we spectacularly fail to appreciate in advance how devastating it should be, and try to rationalise it and tell ourselves we should get over it.

I had the realisation today that I feel guilty for mine. Logically, I know I didn't cause it, and I have not been acknowledging that I feel responsible, but despite how illogical it is, on some deep level I do. It doesn't make any sense, but there you go.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 04-Mar-13 07:50:18

So sad reading this stories,

I think the main thing to remember which my mum told me is the importance of acknowledging the loss, so not disregarding as something less important, but allowing yourself to heal by acknowledging and reminding loved ones what happened and how you are feeling -

That all sounds obvious but its so easy to keep it here on MN and in our own minds -

Some ideas I have read about in the past is to plant a tree or plant in the garden to acknowledge the miscarriage or something symbolic that suits your family, letting a helium ballon go or similar but this release is meant to help -

I think normal does happen again but don't force it, the grief that feels heavy like stones in your stomach we carry with us, until we learn to put the stones somewhere, its not that you forget but you learn to leave them and then revisit them -

Ickle - the worst thing about returning was the adults and there desire to know why I was away/ill - the children are younger so ok - I had told the Head and the DH -

I feel sad that I have been robbed of what we had planned and hoped for - but I also feel guilty-

Thinking of you all - and hope to 'talk' more on here

Shellywelly1973 Mon 04-Mar-13 13:53:00

How is everyone doing today?

I had planned to keep busy but so far all i have done is to go to Tesco.

I have been sitting looking at stuff on the lap top for nearly 3 hours and its not helping!

Everything is back to normal here. Dp back at work, me doing everything, same old, same old.

I feel really hurt & offended by my dp, family & friends. No one called or texted over the weekend. My sister texted me this morning but it was to ask if dp could help with something. Dp hasn't called or texted all day, he didn't even help with the dc this morning.

I know i am different in the respect i have dc & i am older but it still hurts. I do appreciate the dc i have, but even the oldest two didn't ask if i was ok.

I wish i could make the heavy feeling in my heart go away. I wish i could do something to feel better, what do other people do? Any advice would be appreciated.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 04-Mar-13 15:05:07

Shelly I too feel let down by the response I've had by some people IRL. Some friends have been incredibly supportive, texting, calling , popping round whilst one person who is in my circle of close friends has not contacted me at all - not one word! They will feel my wrath when I return to work Weds!

Have had a good day. DH and myself took DD to the safari park today, was good to get out in the sunshine and seeing her face light up at the animals made my day. Just got to keep my mind on happy things.

I too feel incredibly guilty - and I think I have good reason to sad Since last August I've had a herniated disc which I had ongoing physiology for. In December I stupidly went bowling for my birthday and undid all the good work and my physio said concerned her treatment obviously wasn't progressing my recovery so stopped treating me and referred me to an orthopedist. In that time (the time I unknowingly fell pregnant) the pain was so bad I began to take painkillers my GP prescribe back for me in August - Tramadol. Since this has happened I've looked up the effects of Tramadol and the NICE recommend this isn't taken at all during pregnancy. I feel sick at the fact that I may have caused this sad I've taken the decision to not to TTC until after my back has healed. In January I saw the ortho but he wanted to send me for a MRI - that's when I told him I was pregnant and he then said he couldn't treat me. First step - get better!

Hope everyone else is okay. Starting to worry about returning to work now - time to start practising the fake smile!

Quodlibet Tue 05-Mar-13 11:02:34

Ickle, that's a hard thought to be having. Please don't beat yourself up. Almost all drugs are not recommended in pg because they've never tested the effects on pg women. It's hard enough to avoid all the stuff you are meant to avoid even when you are deliberately trying to get pregnant, let alone when you aren't. I've been there with the herniated discs and I know how much agony it is. I know me saying this probably is of minimal comfort but I don't think you can draw a direct link between the tramadol and the MC. I also know how impossible it is not to let those thoughts play around your head - it's so hard.
Re your friend who hasn't been in touch - maybe it's not that they don't care, maybe they can't find the words. Lots of people just don't know how to deal with MC.

Tallyra Tue 05-Mar-13 11:33:32

Hi ladies. It's really nice to see this thread here. I've just fount MN this week and it's so good to be able to talk to people in the same situation as me.

I've had 3 mmc so far, and I've just passed edd for the latest one. All stopped growing before 9 weeks, but the first one wasn't diagnosed until the 12 week scan. I also had hyperemesis each time and was hospitalised for rehydration each time - 3 times in the first pregnancy, twice for the second and once for the 3rd. The consultant was the same each time and for the last 2 she was fantastic and supportive - I was in hospital at 7 weeks, so she took me round to her consulting scan room and checked before the start of the day last time.

It all kind of blurs into one now, I've got so used to what happens now that I think I just go through it all in a dream. As I was already in hospital they managed to get me booked in for the erpc within the day for my last 2, which helped me so much mentally.

The first time I already had the shock of knowing it hadn't been growing for at least 3 weeks, and then having to wait nearly a week for erpc. I had depression for nearly a year after it - compounded by having been self-employed and needing to give up work due to the sickness. I spent about 9 months moping at home, after begging for some sort of counselling which they begrudgingly gave me 2 months after erpc after I phoned up the epu and just cried down the phone at the lady on the other end.

We are going to ttc again (I must be mad, cos I'll almost definitely be hospitalised again and ill for the majority of the pg) but I'm going to see the doctor first to see what tests they can offer. They are stupidly bad about offering anything without being pushed for it first, and I've only just found out there is a vaginal swab that they should have done to check for any infections, and they should have offered me an ultrasound to see if anything is out of place. They did, however, send off the 'product of conception' for genetic testing on my 3rd. Turns out it was just a random mutation so they don't see why we shouldn't try again. This was said by the consultant and the doctor. It's not quite as simple as that - point me to the testing labs first please!!!!!

I still burst into tears at random things, but I've got the depression under control. Don't let yourself slide so far that you end up sitting at home crying all day - it's OK for a short while but if it starts to feel a little overindulgent or something that's going on too long, do what I did. Cry down the phone at someone, possibly the place that did the erpc. Let them know you're in trouble. Don't let yourself lose a year of your life like I basically did.

By the way, my boss had a baby the week before my edd. It's SO hard to cope when she brings her in to see everyone. I'm so happy for her but stupidly sad for me at the same time, it's all a bit moodswingy right now....

SunsetSongster Tue 05-Mar-13 13:12:15

Hello. Sorry that you are all going through this as well. I found out last Saturday at 9 weeks that I have had a mmc. It was probably at 6 weeks as I had some bleeding then but was advised everything was probably ok as it wasn't too heavy, I had pregnancy symptoms and pregnancy tests were still postive.
I have to wait for a 2nd scan this weekend to officially confirm things but I know my dates and the nurse pretty much confirmed it was a mmc.
I haven't taken any time of work and I am finding it so hard to concentrate as I am constantly worrying that things will start naturally. I think I will just have to run home if they do. I think I will opt for medical management and am a bit scared of the whole process. I just want it to be over with as soon as possible. My DH wants to start trying as soon as possible but I don't know - I am very luck that we have our DS and that has been a real comfort to me. While I'm sad that the age gap will be bigger between him and any future DC if we get pregnant again I think I want a bit of space before trying. Anyway, it's good to get it all out. I've told some friends in RL but only by text. I am meeting a friend tomorrow who also had a mc 3 weeks ago and I am a bit worried about upsetting her again but think it will be nice to talk to someone else who has been through it.

Bakingtins Tue 05-Mar-13 22:18:48

Hi everyone. I'm in the middle of MC3. Can completely identify with wanting to just be alone, but have 2 DCs who have no idea what is going on so have to find a happy face from somewhere. I have been bleeding heavily all day, worried that pads not up to the time taken for the school run etc. Both times previously I've ended up in hospital for scary bleeding so I'm so hoping that doesn't happen again. They don't actually do much anyway, it's just a case of judging whether I can tough it out at home and avoid all the prodding.
dora you seem to have amassed a lot of wisdom for someone who is facing this for the first time. I really identify with the "sadness for what will never be" and also the image of carrying stones - that's EXACTLY what it feels like. After MC2 I redesigned a section of my garden in memory of the babies - I find digging is very therapeutic - and planted it with shrubs and plants that look nice in the months they were lost and expected or that have a link to the names I liked. I flirted with the idea of having pebbles engraved with the dates of the MC to hide in the garden - might just do this now, it would be nice to lay those stones down. Need a new shrub for March/October now.....
I think this is my last time doing this, we had agreed after the last one that we would have one last try, so I feel like I am sad for a child I will now never have, not just the particular baby I've lost, but a potential third child. Never had that before because I always had the prospect of trying again, and TTC again has given me a positive focus.
I'm sorry there are so many of you at the moment going through this, but glad there are folk out there to chat to. I told my mum today, she's not good on the phone in these situations, doesn't know what to say. Normally she'd be down like a shot and take the boys off my hands for a bit, but my Dad is having surgery at the end of the week, which leaves her with not very adequate cliches and no outlet to help. Feel sad that I've made her sad too.

Dora what an insightful post.
I can totally relate to the "sadness for what will never be". And the heavy stone. I feel like Im hiding under mine right now.
The further from the MC I get, the crappier I feel. It doesnt help that my neck has gone into spasm, have AF from hell and my car is off the road so I am stranded. I havent left the house in 2 days and just sit here watching TV.
I feel like I want to do something symbolic like leaving that stone somewhere. If my garden wasnt such a pit I would make a little corner, with a literal stone, and the ashes of my beloved dog who passed last year.

Ive put a forget me not in the Miscarriage Association's meadow. Thats a start.
Im going to try and draw a line as of now. AF is here, POAS finally shows a BFN, and spring is on the way. Everyone else seems to have moved on so I need to too.

Bakingtins Wed 06-Mar-13 05:57:35

Do it, Saggy. Very therapeutic getting something in order. Maybe get DH to do the digging though, if your neck is bad. I remember digging so furiously I ached all over the next day, but it was great to have a physical hurt to replace the mental one. I'm favouring mini cherry tree at the moment.

icklemssunshine1 Wed 06-Mar-13 07:39:18

I think I need to do something therapeutic, anything to try and dissipate the grief. What I don't understand is until Sunday I was coping fine but since then I'm bursting into tears randomly, I feel panicky at times & am struggling to sleep. Don't know if its a mixture of realisation, hormone crash or seeing my friend Sat who's due with twins 19 days after what would gave been my EDD. I'm also not getting time to grieve. Although off work, how we arrange child care to hero costs down means my DD is only in nursery Thurs & Fri - today should've been Grandma day but my MIL thinks as I'm home I can look after her. I just want a day when I can cry, can't do that with a 19 month old. Really struggling at moment, clinging to hope that one day I'll wake up & the pain will lessen but at the moment I'm in a bit of a black cloud sad

Tallyra Wed 06-Mar-13 08:01:17

is there any way you could subtly ask mil for help?or even just phone her in tears? it really does sound like you need a day to yourself. or ask a friend over for a cup of tea, to help share the tasks? if you have a day off ill normally they wouldn't expect you to look after a child as well...

icklemssunshine1 Wed 06-Mar-13 08:37:38

Thanks for your reply. No can't really ask her. She kind of dictates babysitting duties & we don't like to get on the wrong side of her as she reminds us she is a pensioner & doing us a favour once a week, which she is but today I could've done with the time off. Am having stomach cramps that are doubling me up so very difficult ultra to play with DD & she's getting niggly now as she's bored with 'boring' mummy! Myself, DH & all our friends work full-time so it's just me today! Have asked DH to come home early (has his own business so can be flexible unless extremely busy) so hopefully he can. Best get our my pjs & at least pretend I'm okay!

wigwam33 Wed 06-Mar-13 19:34:05

Can I join this thread? I had a mc at just 7 weeks a couple of weeks ago. This is my 3rd - 1 before DC1 and 2 after. The last one was at just under 12 wks

I feel such a failure, like I can't rely on my body to do what it 'should'. I'm blaming myself too because I'm still BF my DC1 - maybe this has contributed to it. Also how long to wait until ttc again? I feel so confused and fed up and I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything. Just want to sleep and cry. Only saving grace is that it makes me even more grateful for DC1.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Wed 06-Mar-13 22:17:12

Wigwam - we can a relate to feeling like our bodies failed us, I feel let down especially as with no warning anything was wrong - when they told me the dates I was trying to work out what I was doing at 7 weeks pregnant which just leads to more guilt - all a horrid cycle -

I am smile the stones analogy rang true for one or two of you, I don't think it come from much wisdom but just my true feelings which feel easier to put out on here -

Everything else feels so unimportant around me, that's what I'm finding hard to cope with is getting back to normal and giving 'normal day to day' the focus they had before...when I don't care as much...

I know it's bad to say but like a few of you I want time on my own, which is near impossible at the moment - but feel like getting in the car and going - although no where to go...

Mother's Day feels a bit strange I know I'm lucky I have two young children but it feels strange...

Thinking of you all and hope we can keep 'talking'/'sharing' here

Idont feel like my body failed me. I feel like it failed my baby. sad Thats worse.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Thu 07-Mar-13 07:14:07

Saggy - exactly that - sad

Quodlibet Thu 07-Mar-13 19:55:44

I have been doing well and feeling pretty normal, finally, but DP has just told me that his friend told him today that they are expecting their second, and this has floored me. I cannot summon up one single ounce of happiness for them and feel totally crap.

icklemssunshine1 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:59:47

Heart breaking isnt it? That's exactly how I felt last Friday when I learned my friend my expecting her second - & twins - 10 days after my EDD. Ouch! I had a good cry, turned to MN & have seen her twice this week & actually felt no jealousy, just sadness for what might have been. Had a good cry this morning but have felt reasonably normal today, looking forward to a cry free day.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Fri 08-Mar-13 07:24:28

Ickle - I hope you have a better day today -

And everyone else is ok? X

Bakingtins Fri 08-Mar-13 08:03:46

HI Wigwam the guilt is a normal part of grieving but realistically nothing you've done or not done affects the outcome of the pregnancy. Your body does what it's supposed to do - recognises that something is wrong and responds by clearing everything out. It's only our access to technology that now gives us MMC - the scan detects that baby has died before our bodies are convinced of that fact, and until they are we carry on nuturing and protecting. I'm now getting to grips with the idea after 3 MC that perhaps there is actually something wrong with me that means I'm rejecting my pregnancies repeatedly, but even if that turns out to be the case and we are not just randomly unlucky over and over, it's not my fault, it's an illness like any other.
Quod and Ickle I'm sorry you have to deal with friends with a close EDD to yours, that's tough to handle. I have a feeling a colleague at work who is usually my partner is pregnant, a few things she said on Monday (when I was happily thinking to myself we'd go through it together if she is - what a difference a week makes) made me think she'll be making an announcement soon. I have 2 colleagues that gave birth the week I miscarried last year and are forever popping in to show off their babies. Since I have a toddler there is no getting away from pregnant people, everyone in any classes we go to is having their next one...
I'm going back to work today. Actually managed a whole night of sleep last night and have not had a cry yet today so hoping I can put a brave face on. Nobody at work even knew I was pregnant so no awkwardness. (I only work part time so haven't actually missed any work this time) how considerate an employee am I to arrange my MC in my own time.
Hope everyone has an ok day.

GinAndSlimlinePlease Fri 08-Mar-13 08:13:20

Hi, can I join?

Have posted elsewhere on mn about my mc. I'm now three weeks from finding out I'm miscarrying. It was our little miracle, conceived after two years trying, and just before being referred for ivf. I'm having a natural miscarriage, and I'm shocked by how long and painful a process it is. Three weeks on and I'm still overflowing my pads!

I've got my next fertility clinic appointment this afternoon. It feels a bit surreal. It was supposed to be the appointment at which they confirm the referral for ivf. Since my last appointment I've found out I was pregnant and lost it. All in about 7 weeks. It feels a bit like I've gone back rather than forward.

I'm really sorry to hear about everyone else's losses. sad

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 18:11:14

Gin, sorry its such a prolonged physical process for you. I had an ERPC so physically it was over quickly (it'll be 2 wks on Weds & I think I've stopped bleeding) but emotionally I'm still fragile. Saying that I haven't cried once today & that was even after going to DD's nursery for a Mother's Day activity & have people ask me about my pregnant friend. Felt like shouting I should be 14 weeks but had a MC but I remained calm & just nodded & smiled politely when I was asked when I'd be trying again. Spent the day planning lessons, back to work Monday. Can't hide away forever! Hope everyone is doing okay smile

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 18:24:41

hiya - think i want to say hello here too - had 12 week scan yesterday which showed nothing but an empty sac - will be getting 2nd scan next week to confirm but feels like i have been left in limbo in the meantime. absolutely devastated doesnt even describe how i am feeling. have had no obvious signs such as bleeding, cramps etc so completely unexpected. dreading whats yet to come... x

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 18:39:42

So sorry gonnabe, remember that feeling well. I guess it's all still a shock at the moment. Over the last few weeks I've gone through a range of emotions - shock when first found out, anger at the professionals for nit noticing sooner, sadness for losing my baby & heart breath when learning my friend is due 10 days after me with twins. Keep posting, the people here on MN are fab. I couldn't have got through the last couple of weeks without the support & words of wisdom from here.

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 18:54:50

it was a shock for definate. so sorry for everyone else and there losses too - im astounded at how many women have actually gone through this - doesnt get rid of that lonely feeling tho'. im due back to work on monday (been on holiday this week) - not sure if mentally i can handle it at the moment? wondering if it would be best to get the 2nd scan out of the way so that the next course of action can be decided upon before i do anything? just dont know how to deal with this. x

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:01:11

It's shocking how MCs are seemingly swept under the carpet. Since my MMC I've since learnt of 3 people who have also MCd, that being in too of 2 friends who have MCd in last year. You're right it's still very lonely though. I learned of my MMC over half term (I'm a teacher). I debated going back til my ERPC but decided not to run risk of miscarrying naturally in front of a class! My consultant then signed me off for 10 days to get over it emotionally - I had it on a Weds & the nurse said I could go back on the Mon but I couldn't face it. I'm back at work this Monday, hoping I can make it through the day!

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:03:40

You need to do what feels best. If you want to hide away then do so. Pregnancy related absences can not count against you. Just explain to your employer & take time to look after yourself. I needed these past few days without DH & DD & work just to reflect & cry it out.

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 19:14:17

thanks for the advice ickle. everyone at my work knew about my pregnancy too which is now really upsetting me (couldnt hide it due to morning sickness) just want to crawl into a little corner for a few weeks instead of facing them. x

wigwam33 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:40:53

I'm at the stage at the moment where I've only told a couple of people, partly because I was 'only' 7 weeks so a part of me feels like I shouldn't be so upset and the other part because I feel like if I mention it I'll either burst out crying or pretend that I'm completely fine with it and totally coping (I'm a bit all or nothing like that!).

It took us 2 years to conceive our DC1 and I guess there's lots of unhelpful stuff going around my head like, "you'll never have another one now" (I've had 2 mcs since DC1) and so on. If you've been there, you probably know the score.

LittleChickpea Sat 09-Mar-13 01:24:27

Hi all,

So sorry for everyone's lose. I started mc on monday 4th, March. I was 7 weeks. I am still bleeding but no clots or heavy bleeds now. Really sad but trying to stay positive - not easy. This was due to be our first.

We are thinking of just carrying on and ttc. Not sure if this is right or wrong.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 09-Mar-13 12:27:49

Hi. Its 2 weeks today since i went for my 12 scan to be told there was no heart beat. I had an ERPC on Wed 27/2.

The only support I've had is from MN...thank god for MN!

This week i was supposed to go back to 'normal'. I can't...

I keep wishing i could go back to before the mc. Im heart broken. Im barely functioning. I've sat here for hours just crying this last week. I've cancelled everything even an important hospital appointment for my youngest dc.

I can't fall asleep at night, wake early in the morning & started having mad dreams 3 nights ago.

I feed &dress the dc but Im not doing anything i can get out of. My family have been nothing but a source of upset&Im deeply hurt by my mum, sister & grown up dc. Im meant to go back to work on Monday but Im going to leave, it was only ever a job to fill up school hours.

I've never been like this before. Its a bit like pnd without the baby.

How do others move on & cope?

icklemssunshine1 Sat 09-Mar-13 13:58:21

Shelly, you need to see your GP. I was strangely calm after I found our but since the ERPC I have also had very dark days. I went to my GP & he prescribed me sleeping tablets so at least I feel physically rested. I also had panic attacks last week, think its the sense of a loss on control (I'm a major control freak). Luckily my BF is a counsellor & has a psychology degree, she's coming round later to teach me some techniques to cope with them. Don't really want to go back to school Monday & have a meltdown in front of a class, although my Yr 11a would prob love to see that!! It's horrible what we're doing through but our feelings are normal. My friend who MCd before Xmas actually developed a phobia of crowds for a while but time & support helped her. I'm lucky in the sense I have a very close circle of friends developed through work so I'm never alone (on the negative side it also means I see close friends every day who are expecting - painful). Can you show your friends & family this thread so they know exactly what you & other people go through? It's led didn't realise how much a loss a MC is til I experienced it myself. Another thing you could do is keep a positive though diary. My BF suggested this too - write down at least 1 thing a day that makes you smile. Been difficult for me as there are pages in mine that refer to my pregnant (I've had my diary for 6 months when I started having stress at work) but I've preservered & writing down some happy thoughts makes me feel positive. Doesn't have to bee major things - 2 days ago I wrote down that when I sneezed my DD wiped my nose!! (She's 19 months old!) You may not feel you have anything to be thankful for but focus on small happy things and I'm sure we'll have bigger happier moments in the future x

Bakingtins Sat 09-Mar-13 14:48:49

Shelly sorry to hear you are struggling. It's all pretty normal and you will come out the other side, but perhaps it would help to talk it through with someone? The Miscarriage Association may be able to point you in the direction of a local counsellor. My friend runs a MC support group through them, worth seeing if there is something in your area.

I'm a great believer in finding 'closure' through some sort of symbolic letting go or burying ceremony. After my first MC I bought a forget-me-not charm, thinking I wanted to always carry the baby with me, in the end it was making me more upset, so I dropped it into the sea at a beauty spot. It's somewhere I could go back to if I wanted, and the feeling of letting the baby go was healing. It's what Dora said about the heavy stones, it can be comforting to carry them for a while, but you need to find a way of setting them down so you can move forward. They will still be there and you may need to revisit them from time to time, but you won't feel so weighed down. Does that make any sense?

Tallyra Sat 09-Mar-13 20:26:16

I agree completely. I've had 3 mc and somehow managed to keep all the scan pictures but they were hidden under stuff. I shouldn't have done that because when we were cleaning up least week from some building work I came across them and it upset me so much that I asked dh to just get rid of them. so he put them in the fire and we made it a goodbye to them. I feel like I can stop holding on to them now and move on to another try.

Quodlibet Sat 09-Mar-13 20:53:25

Shelly I agree you should talk to your GP. Did you know you can get PND after a MC? I have also been depressed and anxious, and have seen my GP who has referred me to psych services for some CBT. I have also seen a private therapist for 4 sessions which has been really really helpful. Like you, I have not felt like myself at all these past weeks and have lost interest in things and done a lot of staying in bed and crying. Get the support you need. There's no shame in admitting to depression, please don't struggle on alone.

Tallyra Sat 09-Mar-13 21:50:55

Absolutely. if you recognise you need the help then you are on your way to getting better, but you need a lot of help from professionals too.
it took me months to get better after my first, but the next time I knew what to look for. it sounds very similar to how I felt. I had citalopram and talk therapy.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 09-Mar-13 22:14:48

Thanks everyone...
Im a raging control freak so this is driving me mental, i can't fight it, beat it or use it.

My mantra has always been, 'You can't control what happens to yo, only how you respond to it'. Thats the problem, I can't physically control myself. I hate how i feel but can't make it go away.

I've no one to show this thread to. Im deeply hurt by my family. I hadn't announced my pregnancy. I was going to do it tomorrow. My mother, sister &grown up dc were totally freaked out when i said i had to go into hospital, that i had a mc. At first i thought it was because i had a mc, no it was because i had been pregnant.

Dp dosn't get it. He's actually been trying really hard. He's done more since I've had the mc then he'd ever done after any of the dc were born.

I had pnd after Dc4. I ended up very ill. I spent 2 years on anti depressents. The side affects were awful but i had developed paranoia & had planned the perfect suicide so i became so scared of my mental state that i tolerated the side effects. That was my last dealing with a GP. They were utterly useless. I haven't been to see a GP in about 5 years. So it will take alot for me to go back. I did a self referal form for maternity care. I had planned on a homebirth. Unless i really had to, i would avoid Drs when pregnant, just like my last 2 pregnancies.

Im struggling because its a Saturday, Saturday used to be my favourite day of the week now i just remember Saturday being the day it all went wrong. Tomorrows Mothers Day it& the day i should have been sharing my news. Friends announced they are expecting in September, days before my due date. Its hit me how isolated i am. People i considered friends are really just other Mums on the school run.

Thanks for listening. Im embarressed reading my whiny posts. I don't recognise myself anymore!

Tallyra Sun 10-Mar-13 09:23:41

I recognise myself in your post, you aren't quite you, but at least you know it.
there's an independent counselling place here called the Paul Bowers centre that you can reach out to without going through a GP. have a look we whether there's something like that around you.

on another note... this is the worst day of the year for me. I should be included in the day. if I'd had my first baby not a mmc I'd have a 3 year old DC by now. my mum is going on holiday today and dh has gone out with his dad to chop wood all morning. ppl just don't understand how long it affects thou for...

<<holds Shelly's hand>>

Im back on the rollercoaster today. Ive been ok for a few days, been to work, got on with stuff. I was woken to tea and toast and a mothers day card in bed this morning, it was lovely. Then I popped in to see my Mum at work, and got talking to her colleague about her new grandchild. Still ok. She mentioned her other daughter, who is having fertility problems. She was holding the baby and looking sad. Its not fair because she would make a good mum, and it should be her there holding the baby.... All of which are true, She is lovely. But it just tipped me over the edge. I came home and sobbed, and DP was so nice. He hugged me and told me its no better for him at work in a big office full of young women. Hes happy to try again, weve been DTD, he is really trying. But I still feel so alone. Everone has moved on. He just doesnt understand how empty and lost I feel. Its like there is this big black cloud following me, and I can outrun it for a while, but it always catches up in the end.

delilahbelle Mon 11-Mar-13 00:08:26

Mothers day.

I'm not going to be a mother this year.
I was going to tell my mum I was pregnant today.
Instead I'm 2 weeks post losing my babies, 2 litres of blood and almost my life.
We can't try again until September at the earliest.

Why is life so cruel?

LittleChickpea Mon 11-Mar-13 02:49:19

delilahbelle I'm so sorry for your lose and what you are going through. I had a mc Monay 4the March and its so hard. Life is cruel but maybe we will be luckier next time.

My thoughts and best wishes.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 11-Mar-13 16:02:13

Need to vent & have a good cry! First day back at work after my ERPC nearly 2 wks ago. At my work place we have to have "Return to work" interviews explaining to our line managers why we have been off. I assumed as my head, deputy head & my head of department knew why I was absent I wouldn't have to have one. Oh no, first thing this morning before I had even taught a class I was there in the deputy's office answering the set questions: why were you absent? What prevented you from working? Did you seek medical intervention? Blah, blah, blah. I just burst into tears. The deputy head said "I knew this would upset you", then why make me go through the process? At then end she then said "at least it won't count on your absence record", well hurrah! That makes me feel so much better!

Sorry for the moan & sarcasm but just needed to get that off my chest!


FFS! That is bollocks! How insensitive can you get! angry

icklemssunshine1 Mon 11-Mar-13 16:21:51

Thank you. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks its crap. Immediately texted DH after as was so upset & he was so angry he was going to ring my head but I convinced him not to, don't want to cause waves & as my school is restructuring I'll be re-applying for my post in the next xou

icklemssunshine1 Mon 11-Mar-13 16:23:17

couple of months. Don't want angry DH in the head'a mind when it comes to selecting candidates!!

(Sorry for incomplete msg - bloody iPhone!)

Shellywelly1973 Mon 11-Mar-13 16:42:51

Delilahbelle- I want to hug you... Yesterday was the day i was going to announce my pregnancy. I had bought special cards to put the scan pictures in. Got them for the nans&my sisters&my mum. It was a very hard day. Im glad its over.

Saggy - there are bumps&babies everywhere! I would have been 14 weeks by now so of course are lots of other Mums. I've heard of a few now& in my mind, i stick my fingers in my ears &sing, 'La la la la!!

Icklemssunshine- Your day sounds tough... Why was it necessary to do a return to work interview, in the bog standard way? At least tomorrow will be easier. Take care of yourself.

Your partners/husbands sound very thoughtful&lovely.

Take care of yourselves & thanks to everyone who gave me advice. I've really realised i need to cut myself some slack but at the same time force myself to deal with the MMC.

Im going to do some stuff this week to remember the baby. I haven't been to church since before i lost the baby so i will start by going to mass tomorrow.

I have my eye on a particular Tiffany ring. Its a plain silver band, with a teeny tiny sapphire in it. Sapphire is the birth stone for september when the baby would have been due. Its really plain and simple. Its my birthday soon, Im going to buy it for myself. Im going to have 'forget me not' engraved inside. For me personally, a lot of the miscarriage memorial jewellery is a bit 'obvious'. This would be something only I would know the signifigance of, which suits my mindset right now.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:34:07

Sounds beautiful Saggy. Someone mentioned planting a tree & watching it grow but when we moved into our home 5 years ago first thing we did was chop down 2 trees to give us light!! I like the idea of watching something grow so I've bought a flowerpot with a angel on it so I can always grow house plants in it smile

dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 11-Mar-13 19:42:34

Ickle - I'm sorry that happened today - sounds awful practice - and not very fair -

Everyone else I'm sorry you are going through this - we should all choose a day maybe next Sunday when we plant a tree or plant as a mark of what we have lost -

Thinking of you all, this is very hard -

escorpion France Mon 11-Mar-13 23:00:57

Dropping by to send some virtual hugs. I had surgery just over three weeks ago. Emotionally I am o.k. at the minute but was tearful at the time, I have heard the grief can come in waves though. I also had some fantastic help here. People IRL just don´t know what to say sometimes and something silly comes out. I had been bed rest for three weeks and when I told my DM about my MMC she said, ´well at least you can get out now.´ She didn´t mean it funny, but all the same it hurt. I also, like others have mentioned, got upset when people didn´t really acknowledge it and thought the surgery meant everything was over. TGFMN!
Miscarriage is certainly more common than I realised. This was my first mmc trying to conceive for no1. I have had thyroid problems and hashimotos and waiting to hear back about blood results and a thryoid scan before I can start to think about ttc again but I am petrified I will have the same experience. Babies and pregnant women are everywhere and that is hard to swallow at first, but I have invited a friend and her child this week so I can have some much needed hugs. Thinking about all of you going through this.

Bakingtins Tue 12-Mar-13 07:16:21

Ickle that is awful. If they already knew the reason why put you through that? Beyond insensitive.

Saggy the ring sounds perfect.

Hi to Delilah, little chick and escorpion. It is crap that so many of us are facing this.

I tried to get a GP appointment to talk about referral yesterday but there are 'no prebookable appointments' so I have to spend every morning fighting with everyone who is actually unwell for an appt on the day and I'll have to see the duty doctor rather than the one with an interest in reproductive medicine. I would have been perfectly happy with one for next week FFS.

icklemssunshine1 Tue 12-Mar-13 07:41:46

Morning everyone, hope we can find it in ourselves to have a positive day. Apart from the episode yesterday of the "return to work" interview I have been relatively good (taking each day as it comes as I recognise there will be days when I could wake up in a terrible mood, just trying to be thankful for each happy day). Baking - my school is like that. Policies and procedures MUST be followed, think the universe may implode if they don't smile Whatbare you asking for a referral for? Have I missed something on a previous thread? Really hope you get an appointment. My surgery is the same, you have to ring at 8am and just hope you get an appointment. I'm lucky, they are organised and I've never usually had to wait. I do however have the most aloof GP known to man and he barely looks away from his computer - I think he's psychic, he can diagnose an infection just ny a swift glance at me!

(try to) have a good day everyone!

Topslou Tue 12-Mar-13 07:59:40

Morning. I started bleeding on Friday and had a scan yesterday to confirm I have miscarried. I was 9 weeks. I had mmc in July last year so thought I'd had my bad luck and this time would be fine. Physically doing ok, bleeding has slowed down and no pain. Scan showed that everything was gone & womb almost back to normal already. This is a blessing in some ways as last year I was still having scans & BFP in the September & didn't get the all clear to try again until October. I'd never wanted a BFN so much. Hoping that when I do the test in 10 days it will show BFN straight away and we can start trying again? Hopefully third time lucky. We're going to the garden centre today as i need to get out of the house. Will be looking for a cat ornament to remember our car who died last year but also going to look for 2 small statues to remember our babies. Did think of a plant but if we ever move house I wouldn't want to leave them behind.

LittleChickpea Tue 12-Mar-13 08:17:15

Topslou, I am so sorry for your loss. I was on the AN Oct thread before having my mc last week. Its really hard and My thoughts are with you. thanks

Not sure if you remember Euro too? We are on a thread under pregnancy (is it too early after mc) and we have read some inspirational stories from other women that mc. It's helped me. Join us if you want.

EuroShaggleton Tue 12-Mar-13 11:44:00

Topslou I'm sorry to hear that. I've been told I've had a mmc and I'm still waiting to bleed. Hoping to do it naturally, but will have an ERPC if it doesn't happen soonish. I hope it is third time lucky for you. x

Quodlibet Tue 12-Mar-13 12:00:56

Euro really sorry to see you here.
Topslou, that is a horrible thing to happen, so very unfair. Thinking of you.

Bakingtins Tue 12-Mar-13 14:03:10

Hi Topslou + Euro - I should have been an Oct baby too - never joined the thread as too paranoid (rightly as it turned out) after previous miscarriages. I hope you get a BFN quickly and are able to try again. There's a really great thread here for anyone TTC after a MC - they were a great support to me after I MC in September.

For those of you looking for garden ornaments, I don't know if you might like these engraved pebbles. I have a corner of the garden which has memorial plants for my lost babies, and I'm planning to get a pebble for each of them.

I'm trying to get a referral for recurrent MC work up since I've now had three at 8-10 weeks. Suspect I won't get anywhere on the NHS since I had my DS2 after MC1 so it's not three in a row. I finally got through to the GP this morning but can't even get an appointment to see GP until next week so am going to approach a consultant directly and see if I can get the ball rolling. I'm 38, I don't have any time to lose, and I can't have another 6-12m TTC only to lose it at 8 weeks and only be in the position to be helped on the NHS another year down the line.

Nobhead Tue 12-Mar-13 14:33:11

Hi All, so sorry we are all going through this. I MC at 7 weeks last May and I am now recovering from a MC at 18 weeks + 5, I gave birth on 21st Feb. It's all so unfair.
I switch between being positive and giving myself little goals and stuff to focus on like booking a holiday for when my EDD would have been in mid July, me and DH organising date nights to look forward to. Then all of a sudden it will hit me that I'm not carrying my baby anymore and I feel sad, guilty and a failure. I also fear for the future- I had complications and had to have surgery and blood transfusions and DH isn't keen on the idea of having to face that again and I know I will be petrified for the whole 9 months if I ever got preg again- but the feeling of longing will never go away. We have a 4 yo DS but somehow our family doesn't feel complete yet.
DH has gone back to work today, I am missing him so much as he has been off since we found out we lost the baby.

gonnabeamum Tue 12-Mar-13 22:22:00

hi. well its been 5 days since my 12 week scan showed an empty sac and tonight the cramps and bleeding have inevitably started sad phoned nhs 24 as a matter of course and was given some reassurances but still feeling a little scared. i have a second scan this thursday but im just wishing it was sooner - this week has already felt like an eternity.
it feels like im having a standard period at the moment, but worried about how much more painful and heavy it will get. have also had a bit of a bubble, plus hugs from my fiance who is feeling pretty helpless at the moment. x

Bakingtins Wed 13-Mar-13 07:27:11

Hi gonna. I hope your night has not been too bad and you are feeling supported. It is a lonely time and can be frightening. If you have an out of hours number for EPU (prob will be the gynae ward number) then I've found they gave much better advice than NHS direct. I had very scary bleeding with first MC and ended up in hospital on fluids, and second time they were happy to check me out for reassurance. Third time I stayed at home and the heavy bleeding felt more manageable. In my case I've had very heavy bleeding, filling a pad in less than an hour and passing big clots, for about 24 hours, then it has really settled to more like a period for about a week. If you are concerned please get yourself checked out. I found they were bad at being honest about what to expect. Hope you are coping ok.

gonnabeamum Wed 13-Mar-13 10:15:12

hi baking, thanx for the reply. i actually had a fairly comfortable night - the bleeding hasnt been that intense for the moment anyway - i expect there will be more to come sad i think i have read far too much information which is not helping my fears (i shouldnt use google as much as i do but cant stop myself), but i know evryone is different. just trying to take things easy today till the 2nd scan tomorrow. was hoping mother nature would not kick in until i had a chance to accept medical assistance - i very much wanted to go via the ERPC option as i feel that is the less traumatic/easier to deal with option for me. x

dorapeppageorgenoddy Wed 13-Mar-13 20:14:47

Hi all - I came home to a letter asking me to attend a midwife appointment- I don't think it's a computer error as it states 'a follow up appointment has been made with the midwife'

But I really don't want to see the midwife or have the appointment at all -

Has anyone else had this?

For anyone who is going to try again, do come over to conception to the Big Fat Posifrickintivity thread. We're all trying again after MC and holding each others hands! smile

Tallyra Wed 13-Mar-13 22:47:27

Yes noddy, I had the same thing. the midwife hadn't got the message from the ward that i had an erpc and I got a letter. I also had a snotty letter from hospital after I cancelled an appointment for something else and they didn't acknowledge it. I phoned both up very upset and angry. I got an apology from the hospital but not from the doctors which made me even angrier.

nennyrainbow Thu 14-Mar-13 13:20:49

Hi nobhead, we met a few days ago on a thread I started. If it's any consolation, I'm going through very much the same thing, trying to do positive things, like planning stuff that I wouldn't have been able to do if I was pregnant, but I still feel empty, like nothing can make up for my loss. Re trying again, I think you have to remind yourself that it's highly unlikely that the complications will happen again.
Dora, sadly, its probably a lack of communication between the hospital and community midwives. A few days after my MC I had a call from the community MW asking why I'd missed my 16 week appointment. When I told her, she was mortified that she'd called.
btw what is an ERPC?

SunsetSongster Thu 14-Mar-13 16:06:42

Hello. I'm afraid I am not up to date on this thread but I really need to get some stuff out so hope you don't mind me jumping in. 5 weeks ago I had bleeding, 2 weeks ago I had a first scan confirming missed mc, 1 week ago I had 2nd scan to confirm I didn't have dates wrong and today I am in hospital for 2nd part of medical management.

I actually started bleeding on Monday and yesterday I was in terrible pain and passed lots of clots but I don't think there was anything else.

Today I am hardly bleeding and have had no pain. I feel like I am even failing to mc properly or I am too stupid to notice it happened yesterday. I was really hoping it would be over today and I could get back to normal but I will probably have to come in for another scan ans who knows what else. If it is still in there I want to ask for an EPRC but there are very few slots.

I just hate this and I hate my body for failing to keep the pregnancy and failing to let it go. I know it is irrational but I can't help it.

Sorry for the self pitying post and for not reading the thread - I will when I get home. Sorry so many others are suffering too.

Tallyra Thu 14-Mar-13 16:10:04

ERPC = D and C. It stands for evacuation of product of conception. Such a horrible term for it.

Tallyra Thu 14-Mar-13 16:11:17

sunset sending you hugs. None of us should have to go through this, it's just not right.

Bakingtins Thu 14-Mar-13 16:55:00

Sunset I'm sorry you find yourself here. You didn't say how far along you were but you may well have passed the sac without realising. I've had 3 MC between 8-10 weeks and in 2 of them haven't recognised the sac - I assume it was in one of the massive clots sad. Both times I've had about 24 hours of very heavy bleeding and pain then it has settled right down to period-like proportions for about another week. I hope it's all over physically for you.
It's a normal part of grieving to look for someone or something to blame, in this case yourself, but it really isn't your fault. Your body was trying to nurture and protect the pregnancy until it recognised that it was no longer progressing, now it's doing the right thing by letting it go. Be kind to yourself - I find wine and chocolate are essential to the physical recovery process.

SunsetSongster Thu 14-Mar-13 22:06:47

Thanks for the support Tallyra and Bakingtins. In the end I had a physical examination to see if the cervix was closed and they found that the sac was sitting there (I was about 6 weeks when it went wrong but it is now about 4 weeks later). Three different people had a go at removing what they could but it wasn't completely successful. I am due back in for a scan tomorrow.

It was a very long day - I didn't get out of the ward until after 8pm and I'd been in since before 9am (most of that time spend pacing the corridors to move things along). I'm glad I know how things stand though - I was dreading that they wouldn't see anything and then not book me in for a scan until next week. I just want to know when things can get back to normal and I am worried about taking so much time off work.

If anyone is reading this and going in for a medical management I would recommend taking comfortable shoes and an ipod. I also wish I had taken my phone charger and my battery nearly died while I was arranging for my DH to come and get me.

nennyrainbow Fri 15-Mar-13 11:10:44

Thanks, tallyra

dorapeppageorgenoddy Fri 22-Mar-13 21:00:33

I'm sad tonight, did not want to start a new post but the last few days its all hitting again - this is probably just going to read as a rant- but various factors have made me sad, like I would have been nearly 16 weeks or at an event this week I would have told this person etc -

Also sad because people keep commenting on my tiredness or sadness I guess, they don't know what's happened but I'm not my bubbly self and that's what they can see.

The weather isn't helping, but my OH was like I think you've bounced back from it all quite well....? Which upset me and then tonight my son asked if I had a baby in my tummy sad

Just sharing sad

MrsSpencerReid Fri 22-Mar-13 21:44:47

Dora, I have had a similarly shit week, I feel worse now than I did when it happened, I am trying to make the most of not being preg, drinking, going out with friends, dyeing my hair, but its not really working sad

gonnabeamum Fri 22-Mar-13 23:06:35

*sending virtual hugs to everyone*

im joining the shit week club too - not been a great week. was due for erpc tuesday but mother nature had other ideas. ended up with overnight stint in hospital last weekend due to the intensity of the pain and bleeding . felt wiped out for most of this week but thought i was handling it ok until last night - its like a wave of sadness just sort of swept over me and there has been loads of tears since sad not sure now if im ready to go back to work monday or if i need more time.

Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 07:00:18

Hugs for everyone having a bad week. I think it gets harder when everyone expects you to be ok and you are still grieving.
gonna take more time if you need it, once you go back it will be difficult to be off again if you are struggling.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on telling people. Not many people know about MC3, which I found easier initially. Now I feel a bit stronger I'm wondering if I'm contributing to the conspiracy of silence about it and I ought to tell people? And if I do, how do you just drop it into conversation without being a drama queen?

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:48

It's crap isn't it - sometimes I wish I had told more people but then in other ways I'm glad they don't know - its the sharing of experience that is helpful rather than people knowing, which is hard to find as it is one of those topics hardly talked about - but once others know my fear is they will then presume we are TTC again and I don't want all that speculation.

I want the sunshine to come and tiredness to lift, I just feel demotivated for anything -

It is good to read your stories on here (although good isn't the right word), I hope everyone is feeling a bit better today -

Hope2013 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:53:35

Hi, I am new to this site. I am 10 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday at an early scan (as I had exeprienced bleeding) that there was no heartbeat and the baby died at 7 weeks.

I couldn't face having a procedure, or spending time in hospital, so I am at home waiting for it to happen naturally.

I am so sorry to hear all of these stories of other people going through the same thing.

I have to wait for the physical side of things to happen, which is scary, but if anyone has any advice on dealing with the emotional side that would be a great help, I feel awful and very tearful at the moment.

gonnabeamum Sat 23-Mar-13 19:35:58

hi hope - sorry to have to welcome you onto a thread such as this. it is scary and unfortunately i cant offer any great advice on the emotional side of things - im barely working it out for myself for the moment. As far as the physical side of things - yes it is difficult. i did a bit of homework before things happened using mainly this site and google. i found it helped prepare me for what actually happened but even so, i still found it traumatic and painful. i was booked for surgery but ended up naturally miscarrying before i could get as far as the theatre - that was only last weekend.

baking - as far as telling people - i think im ok-ish with it. my problem is facing everyone who already knew i was pregnant, and dealing with their reactions. some people dont know what to say, some people offer hugs, some people offer advice or comparison stories- i just find that whole aspect quite awkward, and hugs inparticular trigger the tears for me. everyone at my work knew, but ive only spoken to one person from work face to face so far. its freaking me out having to face them but in the same boat, i dont want to dwell on whats happened and want to get on with life. maybe i need one more week? i feel fine one minute then really down the next - my line runs out monday - i have a doc appointment that day anyway so will need to try and work out what my best option is...

sorry for the ramble... not normally a forum-type of person either, but i have found this site to be quite helpful and enlightening.


Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 19:37:42

Hi Hope I am so sorry you've lost your baby. There's a good thread on here about what to expect that is worth reading to prepare yourself. The other place to look for very down to earth advice is the Miscarriage Association website. Having done it three times, the only advice I'd give you on handling it emotionally is to recognise that you need to go through a process of grieving for your baby and all the future plans you had, and that it will take a while. You'll probably feel numb, angry, jealous, empty, sad at different times. Just accept it all as part of coming to terms with the loss. Be kind to yourself, take the time you need to recover physically. I've found it helpful to do something to remember each of my lost LOs, it's important to honour their life, however short, because they mattered to you. There will be someone here whenever you need someone to talk to.

Bakingtins Sat 23-Mar-13 19:55:31

Hi gonna I think going back to work can be helpful if you are someone that just wants to get on with things. I didn't have any time off this time round, started to MC on a Monday at work, worst bit was Tuesday then I was due back at work Friday and the weekend and went in as normal. I cope better if I'm busy, today I've had a day off and it has dragged. Everything feels pointless and I can't be bothered. Only my manager knows at work so everyone is carrying on regardless, which made it easier initially but now feels a bit dishonest, since I'd regard many of them as friends. First time round I was really poorly in hospital so they all knew - first day I did quite a bit of crying because they were all saying how sorry they were, after that I felt they were on eggshells for a bit, then they all forgot about it and I was a bit hurt that they thought I'd be over it that quickly.
Do whatever is best for you, you know if you are better flinging yourself back into the swing of things or if you need more time to rest and recover. The first day back will be daunting whenever you go, but you only have to do it once.

Hope2013 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:07:10

Thanks for the replies and advice, I think it's just a case of taking it one day at a time. I hope everyone is ok and wish you all a better week x

icklemssunshine1 Tue 26-Mar-13 07:03:07

Hi all,

Haven't been in this thread for a while. How are we all doing? 5 weeks tomorrow & 4 weeks tomorrow since I found out about MMC & subsequent ERPC. Felt okay last week but yesterday had such a shit day. Think it was triggered by seeing my friend (& colleague) return to work with her 14 week bump; I should be 16 weeks sad Got to stop thinking like that, have had hardly any sleep so those thoughts aren't doing me any good. Easter next week so got a little lodge booked, going to hide away with DH & DD!!

dorapeppageorgenoddy Tue 26-Mar-13 22:04:45

Hi everyone - had a letter from the hospital that arrived yesterday, didn't know what it was and hated reading it was a letter saying 'we hope you have recovered from your recent miscarriage, we are pleased to inform you there were no abnormalities from the sample that was tested'

Which made feel worse than I did, wasn't expecting a letter and didn't know a sample was tested - but the letter made me feel, there was nothing wrong - so why then did it happen? Anyway did anyone else have a letter?

I also got my period so a pretty crap week, but the period may explain why I was feeling so down sad

Ickle hope you have a good Easter break and I hope everyone else starts to feel a little brighter soon -

wattingerofdoom Wed 27-Mar-13 15:36:29

Hello to everyone on here. Sorry for all of your losses sad
I lost my baby last week at nearly 8 weeks pregnant. I already have 2 DCs and I know I should feel really lucky but I can't right at this moment in time. I am hoping it gets better soon.
A new low point was crying in the cheese section of Sainsburys earlier. I saw some lovely looking Brie and thought to myself "What a shame I can't have any." Then I remembered that I can and started sobbing blush

Shellywelly1973 Wed 27-Mar-13 19:36:52

Its been a while since i posted. Its 4 weeks today since i had the erpc. I went for my 12 week scan, the Sat before, to be told baby had died 4 weeks before. It was a terrible shock & i literally fell to bits.

Its been a long 4 weeks.

The support i got from MN & the MC Association was brilliant. My family were a disgrace. Dp was good for a couple weeks but then when i felt down he told me i needed to 'get it together&i should go to the doctor as i seem depressed'. He thinks i need to get on with things, hes right i do but i can't.

I admit i havn't coped well. I should be 16 weeks now. I should have a bump. I should have heard her heart beat this week. I should be feeling her move...I was going to book a private gender scan...

Im stuck back in the last week of Feb. I remember each day so wed is erpc day. Sat is scan day. Mon is day i called the EPU. Tue is the day i went for the second scan...every week. I wish i could go back 22nd Feb. I was so happy.

Everything is different now. I cant cope with my dc. I've not seen any of my family. Im totally disappointed in dp& questioning why im even with him.

Im dreading Easter. Dp has 5 days off. 2of the dc are off for nearly 3 weeks. One of them has 4 weeks off school!!

Hopefully time will help... Nothing else has...

icklemssunshine1 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:48:36

hey dora, haven't received a letter but I did sign a consent to say they could test the tissue. Know having AF is saddening but on the positive at least your body is back to normal. Mine still hasn't appeared & I'm fed up of waiting. I have PCO & worried that caused MC & reason why AF still hasn't returned. Getting hard to see my friend with her bump as she's due 10 days after my EDD. Thought time would heal but its getting harder. Going away next week so hopefully the fresh Peak District air will do me good.

Wattinger, so sorry for your loss. Keep posting. I find MN keeps me sane. I've also started knitting & doing something has given me some balance!

Shelly, sorry to hear you're still feeling down. Maybe the time with your family will be just what you need?

Have a good break all & at least we've got chocolate to cheer ourselves up!

meow57 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:03:27

Hi everyone, so pleased to discover these threads, so horrible so many people are having similar experiences to me but also a comfort.

I have now had two miscarriages and an ERPC last Thursday. I feel so sad. You know that PMT when you just want to cry and can't stop?

My friends and family are being great, despite most of them living miles away (I recently moved). I wish more of them were closer as I need a lot of hugs right now!

I'm back at work half days from today, I could not decide what to do but I didn't just want to stay in bed crying so doing half a days work (luckily I work from home) did get me out of bed and dressed.

I get the feeling that when I am physically sick support is there is buckets but I feel under a lot of pressure to get back to normal.

I feel so many sad thoughts but I know things could be worse. I was told after the ERPC (although I was coming round so I think this is what they said) that it wasn't a molar pregnancy but I guess I am just waiting for a letter now, any idea how long they take?

Miscarriage sucks and it's not even sunny outside!

CupcakeFanatic Wed 03-Apr-13 14:11:55

It's just over 2 weeks since I had ERPOC. My bleeding afterwards lasted less than an ordinary period. Being exhausted was my main side effect, I'm still exhausted even now.

I get sudden onset crying too, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I really want to be pregnant again ASAP with a healthy bean that sticks. After having a beautiful stillborn baby girl, then a chemical pregnancy, then a recent ERPOC the desire to be holding healthy babies of my own in my arms is so strong. I know I have put put myself through all the fear if I'm ever going to reach that achievement.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 07-Apr-13 15:12:19

Cupcake so sorry to read your story, have you seen a doctor/consultant about your losses?

We have decided not to TTC for at least a year and to be honest I feel so sad all the time that I need that to pass before even thinking about another baby.

The sadness has been sitting with me for weeks now and I can't seem to shake it, just feel joyless and empty -

Hope everyone else is ok smile

Bakingtins Sun 07-Apr-13 18:34:04

Hi all. Sorry to see newbies joining but hope you find it helpful to be here. I'm finding it hard at the moment, should have been having my scan last week and instead had AF after MC. Next week is EDD for the baby I lost in September, 2 weeks later anniversary of MC1. I have arms like a pincushion from RMC blood tests and another 2 sessions this week. I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment that they'll find anything fixable. I just feel very conscious of how long we've been trying with nothing but sadness to show for it, and I'm surrounded by people that have got pregnant and had their babies in that time without an apparent care in the world. I post on the posifrickingtivity thread over on the conception board (for TTC after MC) but even on there I just see loads of people getting their BFP after a cycle or two and I'm still there about 6 threads later. Of course I want it to work out for them after they've all been through the sadness too, but my posifrickingtivity is trickling away with every person that 'jumps the queue'. I 'm actually feeling like I'd be so much happier if I just gave up on the whole thing, but having committed time and money to investigations I feel obliged to see it through and to have another go at TTC. Sorry for the moan.

MrsArmitageQOTR Sun 05-May-13 07:48:50

Hi. I started miscarrying earlier this week at 6-7wks. I posted elsewhere yesterday and kind people helped me from feel less lonely. I somehow didnt see all the messages like this with people of similar experiences. I've been reading since 4 this morning and its both sad and comforting. I wish i had anything useful to say to help people, except getting short term help to sleep from your GP might really help. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. I'm really sorry some of you have had this happen several times.

I was totally unprepared that a mc this early could feel like early labour or that I'd see little sac with what would have my baby. I got some Diazepam to calm me and help me sleep. Last night i slept well for the first time in a few days and physically feel much better but i can't stop my mind racing. I keep reading others stories to stop my own thoughts crowding in. And i feel the only way I can cope is to take a tablet and be a bit fuzzy headed again. But in 2 days i need to cope with normal life again.

Oh, perfect timing. My DS arrived earlier while i was typing the above with his "talking tummy button" to say good morning. Cute. And then made me laugh more by elbowing me away for kissing him too much. Maybe I'll go have a play and try focusing on the positive.

daisydelilah Sun 05-May-13 09:50:46

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses, and I hope playing with your DS has made you feel a bit brighter this morning, salexa.

I don't know if this is the place to ask, but my beloved sil has just lost her baby at 12 weeks and is in the waiting period before she can go back in for her ERPC and I was wondering if anyone who has been through it has any advice about what I can say that might help her at this horrible time - or even what I should avoid saying? Was there anything anyone said that helped you? I am going to tell her to give herself as long as she needs to grieve, and maybe suggest the engraved stone idea, and also suggest that she, my DB and their DD try to go away together for a few days. But any other thoughts would be appreciated.

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