MMC, no help or advice-what now?

(43 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:08:37

I went for my 12 week scan today, only to be told my baby died at 8 wks & 2 days.I had no reason to think anything was wrong, except for extreme worry that something was wrong but i couldn't explain why i have been so worried. I have never been like this with the other children.

Only dp and my best friend know i am pregnant, or not as i now know.

This is my 6th pregnancy. Im totally heart broken. I've gone into shock and i can't stop crying. Im 39 years old, baby was due 3 weeks before my 40th. It was my last chance baby.

As today is a Saturday, i was told nothing would be done today. I've been given no information, i dont know what will happen now. The sonographer said i would get a call in the week, is this normal?

What should i be doing? How do you come to terms with a mmc?

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sat 23-Feb-13 21:29:00

I'm sorry to read this - thus happened last week to me - I'm shocked/saddened you were just told to go home - sadly all depends on your area - does your hospital have an EPU if so I would ring tomorrow but if no answer defo go there Monday - most need a referral from GP or midwife - after my scan I did not go home they operated that night - but it's all hospital dependent -

Tomorrow is hard being Sunday but you will get answers Monday - did a second scanner/consultant come into the room and confirm?

Thinking of you - quite a few threads to read which will hopefully help -

cherrypiesally Sat 23-Feb-13 21:32:32

Loads of hugs, I promise time does heal in part. Just had my 3rd m/c at 8 wks second was identical to yours. You should get a call from the EPU but I would chase it up Monday instead of waiting. They will discuss options with you- waiting for a natural m/c, medical management, (tablets but not all hospitals offer this, mine font), ERPC.
Worthwhile getting sanitary pads and ibroprofen / co-codamol in for a natural m/c. Xxxxx

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:40:44

Thanks for replying. No one else came in the room, i didnt get given the choice of speaking to anyone.

To be honest, i started to panic and wanted to run...

What would happen if i just leave it, i would probably pass the baby, wouldn't i? I've been reading like mad since i posted, i have no experience of miscarriage and of course no one ever talks about it. Do you tell people?

Thanks for the practical tips, i thought earlier on i will go shopping tomorrow for pads etc,

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 21:50:09

This happened to me too ... I'm hoping we can all go on to have another baby x But as for practical advise, if you just leave it, it will pass at some point (a friend left it and it took another month). But I suspect this is more dangerous and possibly more traumatic than if you have a d&c procedure - they sd offer you that as an option when they call in the week. Most odd that they did not discuss all options with you after your scan. So sorry for your news.

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:04

Ps I've told a few people. It turns out that many others have suffered this too... in one case, (a very close friend of mine), she told no-one until I told her about my news. People are very kind - and I'm usually a v private person.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:56:16

Does anyone know how long you have to wait for the d&c or do you normally have it done straight after the scan? ( was reading another thread on here, very similar situation to my own)

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:03:10

I understand that GoByTrain. I haven't anyone i feel close enough to call tonight and i sent dp to work, as there isn't anything he can do. I probably will only tell family if i have to, most of them wouldn't have understood why we were having another dc.

At least when he went to work , i could cry. Whereas i felt i needed to pull myself together earlier, as he looks totally wiped out. It was me more then him that wanted another baby. We have 3 dc together. I got my bfp very quickley, i was really surprised as i thought it would take months.

I don't know if its my stupid body playing tricks on me but i've got back ache and period like pains for about the last hour...

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 22:15:58

Shelly love, no need to tell your family (I only told my sister). Perhaps just tell your best friend (the one who knows about the pg). In fact, could u call or simply text her now (that's if you want someone to talk to).

As for time before D&c - I don't think anyone has it directly after the scan (it involves a local anaesthetic so u need to have an empty stomach). I think I had mine 3 or 4 days after my scan.

It's grim but made me hug my son closer - who knows why these things happen. Sorry you're going thru this x

blondieminx Sat 23-Feb-13 22:16:44

I'm so sorry.

I was told that by the registrar who confirmed my MC that early MC's usually happen as something is not quite right with the baby....not that makes it any easier to bear when a much wanted baby is snatched away sad. My heart goes out to you.

miscarriage association helped me a lot as did the fact I fell pg again 6 weeks later (though of course I worried the whole way through...)

Call the EPU first thing Monday or better still go straight in, since the scan has confirmed the situation. Once you're in front of them look them in the eye and explain what you want to happen next. Explain that since you know things haven't developed in the last month or so and so you are not happy with "let's just wait and see" as a care plan.

There are broadly 2 options for the hospital when treating a woman who has suffered a MC "medical management" which means either waiting for the actual miscarrying to start naturally (unlikely to be a good option for you) or by giving tablets to encourage that process along; or "surgical management" which means a small op and for them to know that everything that needs to come away has done so.

I'd agree with the recommendation for getting good painkillers in - get the hosp to give you Diclofenac.

Be very kind to yourself this weekend <unmumsnetty hug>

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:36:20

Thankyou all.

Its so horrible but comforting to know there are others who have been where i am right now and you've got through it.

If any of you knew me , you wouldn't recognise me in my posts. I am a very 'whats meant to be, will be' type of person. When i was pregnant with ds4 i bleed for 2 weeks, i prayed to God, i begged him to leave me the baby, at whatever cost... ds is autistic.

With this pregnancy i knew i wouldn't be able to cope with another disabled dc so i prayed the child would be NT & healthy, if not to take her now.He did.

I have been worried about this pregnancy for no reason i can explain, since about 6 weeks. I even booked into the hospital, i felt would deal with any loss or tests better(not local).

I know this baby wasn't meant to be. I paid for a private scan, again something i've never done with any of the others. I had the scan at 7wks & 2 days. I seen the little heart beat & got lots of pictures. Im so glad i did now or else i would have nothing to prove she had been here.

Thank you all again. This is a part of mumsnet, i've never been to before but its the nicest place by far! x

Bakingtins Sun 24-Feb-13 09:28:30

Hi Shelly I'm really sorry that you've lost your baby, and think it's awful that you've been left hanging without someone talking to you about what happens now. I hope when you feel strong enough you'll complain to the hospital. It's a terrible thing to be told, the support needs to be there immediately for someone getting that bad news at a scan.
In my first MC I was on my own, since I'd had bleeding in previous pregnancy and had had a scan showing a heartbeat previously I wasn't too worried as it was only spotting. I was devastated when I was told the baby had no heartbeat. They stuck me in a room and didn't find someone to come and talk to me for nearly 2 hours. That in itself made the whole experience more difficult to come to terms with - I was in such a state by the time they spoke to me I couldn't take it in and they were unsympathetic.
You shouldn't have to be researching your options yourself, but there is a very clear explanation on the MA website here
I think there is something in the idea that once you know in your own mind that the baby has died you can allow your body to let go, but in your shoes I would not want to be waiting for something to happen.
We're here if you need to vent. My experience is that I just felt numb for the first few days until I had the physical bit over with, it was only after that was done that I was able to grieve.

cherrypiesally Sun 24-Feb-13 09:53:30

Shelly, how are you today?

Hi Shelley, how are you today?thanks

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:38:14

Thanks the replys have really helped.

Had a bad nights sleep last night...woke up crying twice. Then this morning for a split second i forgot...

Just struggling through the day. Dc are noisy & bored. I just want peace & quiet.
I was in the room this time yesterday, i can't believe its only 24 hours ago. Dp has been great but nothing helps.

Im tormented with guilt. I have smoked for 22 years but reduced to 5/10 a day and by week 6 of the pregnancy to a couple a day. I stopped totally the day i was 8 died 2 days later.

I should have stopped totally as soon as i got bfp.

I don't drink but feel like getting drunk&smoking my head off...anything to make how i feel go away. When will i feel better or more normal?

Bakingtins Sun 24-Feb-13 14:47:33

Don't blame yourself. It's very unlikely anything you've done or not done caused the miscarriage. Plenty of people do everything wrong and take home a baby, others do it by the book and still miscarry. There is no justice in this.
For your own health, having stopped smoking, try not to relapse now. You've done a great thing for your own and your children's health, and for a future LO if you decide to try again.
Can you do something positive to make yourself feel a little better? Massage, haircut, buy something in memory of the baby?
It's normal to be totally floored by this news, and it can take weeks or months to feel more normal. Take it one day at a time.

Nothing you did, would have caused your mc. Don't blame yourself shelley.
Mornings are always the worst, i find too. You wake up & for a split second forget only to remember you are not pregnant anymore sad
I also cried in my sleep three nights solid, and woke up with a wet pillow.
Take care of yourself thanks xx

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 16:43:45

God isn't it just the shitest thing and such a shock. The exact thing also happened to me and I had to wait for a d and c for days it was really awful. I found people were sympathetic for about 5 minutes then expected me to be over it but its not that easy as you know.
Just take time to grieve and get support on here if not in rl.
As for last chance I had dd at 43 naturally conceived and very healthy so don't give up hope.

That's true Possibly-re the 5mins sympathy and then expect you to be as bright as rain a few days later!
Unfortunetly my mum has rather much been like this, bless her, she means well but her attitude is-oh well you were only 6+weeks etc, and on day 3 she accused me of being depressed previously and that she's happy i'm back to my normal selfconfused, very frustrating and to make things worse she's put her boot in about me trying again, not that we aresad, then she went on to say in the olden days i wouldn't have even noticed-lovelyhmm
Dh has been there for me, a close friend and my sister although a distance away, so atleast that's something.
My mum isn't normally like that, rather shocked tbh and quite upset, that she seems to think this is something i can just get over in a daysad

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:04:22

Had a good chat with dp this afternoon, he's a very logical sort of person. He said the way he's coping is by thinking there was something wrong with the baby& it wasn't meant to be.

I agree, we already have an Autistic ds. I was worried the baby could have SN & had decided to not continue with the pregnancy if anything was discovered. I now realise that would be a million times worse then what wrong are experiencing, i know i couldn't terminate & it would be extremely difficult to cope.

Dp is good, don't get me wrong but when it was realised ds was having difficulties, he fell apart. I went through the whole diagnostic process by myself with ds. Dp to this day has never attended an appointment with a HCP with regards to ds. Dp used the word autistic in regards to ds only about 2 weeks ago for the first time. Ds was diagnosed 2 years ago & has been in a special school for a year!

I just need to get through the next couple of weeks. Its my dd 21st bday this week & we find out where Dd11 will go to Secondry school next Friday.

I've got some stuff to do with work that i will just pass on. I have a big project this week but I've done all the work& i don't need to be there.

Im feeling calmer & more resigned, I've moved mentally to tick boxing mode & being very practical- its what i do when Im struggling, oh & wash clothes like a mad lady!

You all take care, thanks for reading.

Taffeta Sun 24-Feb-13 17:13:09

I'm so sorry to read this Shelley, so awful that you have been given no advice or support. Disgraceful.

Be easy on yourself.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:14:46

Pumpkin, my mum would be the same. Because of ds my mum would tell me i shouldn't even be thinking about trying again.
My mil told a family member recently to stop whinging about her mc&to be grateful for the dc she has! mil is normally a fantastic person but i do think different generations deal with things differently.

Im going to call my sister later. She had 2mc before going onto have 2 gorgeous dc. We are very close in age&get on very well. I know she will be really upset for me&don't want to inflict my loss on her, IYSWIM? She knows about mc so will be understanding & have practical advice for me.

CharlW1 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:34

Big hugs Shelly - I went through a MMC last year and it is heartbreaking. Time won't make you forget but it will make you stronger. Definitely speak to your sister - it will help x

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:21:30

I was never hugely aware of how a mc affects a person.
My mum came up after mine and let me speak about it for about 5 mins then changed the subject. It felt awful as my heart was literally hurting.
I remember the pain 12 yrs later. The loss.
My mum had a stillborn baby so I never felt I could be too sad around her.
Do take some time off work though.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:39:30

I hope you get some answers tomorrow - It's sad the standard of care is so different across the board - my first scan led to rolling events and I had the op that night but the consultant asked when I last ate and as it had been at 11 and the first scan was at 2 and the consultant was talking to me at 4 he said he would put me on the list for tonight - it also depends on the hospital some hospitals operate 7 days a week and some just seem to stop at weekends etc -

Are you planning on going to the EPU in the morning? Or phone your midwife -

If you want/need to ask me something please do -

Thinking of you and hope all goes ok tomorrow -

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:37:35

My booking in appointment was meant to be Tuesday, i will ring the community midwifes tomorrow to cancel the appointment. I've never met the local midwifes so there isn't any point in speaking to them now.

I will ring the EPU tomorrow to arrange an appointment with a doctor,the sonographer gave me the number yesterday but i think i need to be seen by gyne. I have never gone through this so i have no idea how it works.

I was ok earlier but Im exhausted now. I feel sick,headache & pains in my back&stomach are getting worse. Dp is at work so Im dealing with dc by myself. Its made me realise how isolated we are. The only help we get is through social services. It takes 2people to look after the 3 dc due to ds with autism.

I was planning on having the baby at home as i knew we wouldn't be able to organise childcare at short notice. I didn't fancy the idea of having the baby without Dp!

I will have to go in by myself for op&depending on the times,get a cab home.

Suddenly feels very lonely &scary...

Mampig Sun 24-Feb-13 23:03:29

Shelly- I'm so sorry for youhmm. Fwiw, the exact same happened to me. I had d and c. It was a scary time, but I did let myself grieve for the baby. It was a lonely time, and my mum was like cardboard confused. Having 2 young kids at the time both hindered and helped. Hugs to you. The d and c didn't hurt and I had minimal bleeding. I fell pg very quickly after, but lost that baby too- as my womb hadn't recovered from d and c. If you want to ttc again, I was advised (after second mc) to wait 3 month after op. so I did, and had a normal healthy baby. Don't lose hope! Just take each day as it comes, and really, do grieve for your loss- good luck xo

blondieminx Sun 24-Feb-13 23:09:25

Approximately what area are you Shelly? I'm in Essex. Maybe a mumsnetter who's been through it before could support you on the day of your op?

Prob best that your DP is with the kids, obv.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:28:14

Your replys really help.

Its so hard because one minute Im fine&i think i can cope with this but suddenly it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I hate, hate, bloody hate hospitals. Im at the Whittington in north London. I went there once about 15 years ago. I had read,mainly on here, that it had been done up& was much improved-not where i was yesterday! I was quite shocked at the conditions. I've been to the Royal Free, & i thought that was rough but i won't be going back to the Whittington after this.

Im stuck, i have to go back but Im now scared. I want to see the baby but can't tolerate the idea of going through a medically managed mc in hospital by myself so the d&c is best. Its been 4 weeks so i can't wait much longer for nature to take its course.

I just want this to go away. I wish i didn't know. My scan should have been on Tuesday but i changed it as it clashed with the school pick ups. I wish i had left it now i would at least have had 3more days of being normal.

Im just rambling as my mind is in over drive but my body is exhausted. I need to finish sorting out the dc stuff for school. Then go to bed, i need to be up at 6.30am.

Thank you all, i would have gone mad without mumsnet this weekend. Xxx

Shellywelly1973 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:26:21

I called the EPU this morning. They told me the EPU was open on Saturday. I should have been sent there, scanned,paperwork &the d&c done Saturday night.

To add insult to injury, my details haven't been passed to EPU, so they would never have known about me had i not called. Finally the sonographer didn't put the results of the scan on the system or give me a print out of the results.

So basically i start from scratch. Im furious. I will be lodging a formal complaint. My choices now are go back to the Whittington EPU but you can't get an appointment,first come,first served. Go to my local A&E or back to my G.P for a referal to an EPU at another hospital.

The fear has now over taken the logic. I can't go back, i started to shake & sweat when the Dr suggested i go today.

Mentally Im really struggling. I was in Tesco earlier & convinced myself it was all wrong, that the sonographer was so incompetant that the babys probably fine.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't eat, hardly slept and want to run away. I wish i could take my mind out of this useless body & leave this all behind. Dc will be home in an hour & god knows if i had someone to dump them on i would.

How do i move on? Im so scared,angry, heart broken and exhausted.

Lotta1234 Mon 25-Feb-13 15:26:46

Am so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC with my first pregnancy. It's very distressing.

Could you go to another London EPU where you self refer?

For exampl, I think UCL is self-referring and offers local anaesthetic d&c.

And I know Homerton lets you self refer.

I'm sure if you explain what's happened they'll see you pronto. You need this dealt with properly.

Lotta1234 Mon 25-Feb-13 15:27:24

p.s. it will get easier but very hard for you while you're in medical limbo due to the sonographer ballsing up.

Shelly I am so sorry for your loss, the way you have been treated is so unfair. Please do not blame yourself, nothing you did caused this.
I had an MMC is January last year and my story is strikingly similar to yours. I went for early scan at 6 weeks due to previous Ectopic, everything was fine. Then at 12 week scan baby was measuring 8 weeks, with no heartbeat. I blamed the blasted heated seats in my car, I used them once !
This was my last chance baby too (was 41), so hugely devastated. You will mend and recover from this, it will take time but you will get there I promise.
I thank God everyday for my DD, but also mourn the sister or brother she will now never have.

I second self referring to another EPU. I was sent home after my scan but an appointment was made for next day to discuss options. I was offered natural or surgical options. Medical was not offered as this often ends up needing to be surgical anyway. I chose surgery, as the thought of walking round carrying my dead baby was not something I could bear. It was surprisingly pain free, happened the next day and I felt I could then start to move on.
Take care.

blondieminx Mon 25-Feb-13 17:35:50

Oh Shelly talk about the hospital making a bad situation worse sad

Do complain (in writing, with the letter sent Recorded Delivery), and keep complaining till you get an apology. Write to the chief exec of the trust that runs the hospital then he/she will follow up with the ultrasound/EPU depts to work out what went wrong with their procedures. I'm furious they treated you this way, it shows a real lack of care.

Do self refer to another EPU, be really clear why you are doing so and hopefully you'll be seen more speedily/helpfully.

Good luck to you thanks

Possiblyoutedled Mon 25-Feb-13 19:18:00

Oh sweetie what a cock up. As if you aren't coping with enough.
Yes complain definitely.
I remember the day between the d and c . Pain getting worse frightened to go to the loo in case I saw something it's shit.
You really will get over this in time but you are totally normal feeling like you do. You have to just go with it I'm afraid. You have had a whacking shock and a huge loss and things changed overnight its so disappointing.
Don't expect too much from yourself.
One of the best things I did was stay overnight in hospital (I was a nurse so private room) and just be alone with my thoughts.
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you are entitled to feel.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 25-Feb-13 23:38:31

I know i keep saying this but thank you for replying.

I rang UCLH, I need a referal. The Homerton is really difficult to get to. My GP can't see me until tomorrow evening to get a new referal. I will go to the Whittington tomorrow morning. I have the complaint written up.

Dp begged me to go back to the hospital, he knows me better then myself (very annoying!). He said on Saturday he wanted to grab a member of staff&tell them, 'If you let her leave, you won't get her back'...

I needed to have a d&c after dd was born for retained products, i absolutely refused. Drs couldn't convince me& poor Dp thought i was going to either bleed to death or the infection was going to get me. I knew i would pass them eventually & after a course of antibiotics, i was fine.

After ds was born i had surgery on both hands for Carpel Tunnel Syndrome under local anesthetic but declined any sedatives. I refused to get back into the wheelchair to leave the theatre, went back to my room& demanded dp dress me. Of course the staff wanted me to wait, get pain killers etc but i wouldn't wait &left!

I've given birth with no pain relief twice. I've only ever has gas&air so i would be co herent & in control of the births!

When i say i am scared, Im really bloody terrified . I know Dp is worried more about my mental health then physical health, he's right too.

So i need to make myself go to the EPU tomorrow morning. I will go straight from dropping dc off so should be back in time for pick up. The appointment for the erpc will be made tomorrow so at least i can organise dc etc.

I just need to get there & not think too much. The alternative of trying to get through this naturally, could push me over the edge mentally. Ultimately this isn't just about me, its about Dp is& the dc too.

Bakingtins Tue 26-Feb-13 12:58:44

Shelly I'm so sorry this is being made more difficult for you. Hope you get an appointment today. Will your DP go with you? Or can you get a friend to go with you if DP needs to look after your children. Sounds like you need some moral support.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 27-Feb-13 01:31:37

Ive just read your other thread Shelley, you really are going through the mill! Your mum sounds crap and Im sorry that your sister didnt help. sad This really is a fantastic place for support, stay here with us, we care. smile
I cant offer any advice other than just go with the flow. Hide in bed, do manic housework, shout, scream, cry, whatever you need to do.
We are all holding your hand, be strong. xxx

Shellywelly1973 Wed 27-Feb-13 16:45:22

I went to EPU yesterday, has another scan- i asked for the screen to be turned around, i needed to see the baby. She was laying at the bottom of the sack...she looked like she was curled up & asleep. I said goodbye to her.

I went in this morning at 7am for the erpc. I was home by 1pm.

I went back to the Whittington in the end. I am glad i did. The doctor yesterday tried to defend the sonographer but she conceded in the end by not defending her&apologised repeatedly.

I am still going to make a complaint. This situation is hard enough without people doing their jobs poorly.

Today i was treated with the upmost respect, dignity & care. From the surgeon, to the porter, each & every person i met was kind and considerate.

I had a private room which was spotless and when i explained about my ds being Autistic & me never not meeting him from school, they moved me from last on the list to the first. I didn't request this, the nurse told me afterwards. I couldn't fault the medical & emotional care i recieved yesterday & today.

I am glad i went back. Im not scared of the hospital now, whereas i would only have associated it with losing my baby, fear & sadness if i hadn't gone back. At least i feel i was, in the end, well cared for.

Im sad now, empty and a bit weepy but Dp is looking after me very well. I've spent the afternoon on the sofa (unheard of!!).

As the previous poster said my mum & sister have been bloody useless& in their need to 'care about me' shown their true selfishness & ignorance...I need to point out my sister has had 2mc & Dm had3!

Thankyou all for your caring words, your all so kind, even though many of you have been through so much worse. You have helped me so much... Xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 27-Feb-13 17:08:21

Have a big hug my lovely. Take care of yourself, and do exactly and only what you feel you need to.
The fact that your mum and sister have had 5 MC between them and are still insensitive cows just goes to show that there is no helping some people.
Surround yourself with the people who care instead.

Possiblyoutedled Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:49

shelly so glad it was as best as it could be under the circumstances.
It's so sad isn't it you really feel they are your child just like all the others.
Do you know she was a girl? I always felt mine was a boy called Ruben.
My mum was crap too.
Stay here for a while for support.
Goodnight little baby x

Shellywelly1973 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:57:17

I didn't know if the baby was a girl. I just felt she was. Out of my 5 dc, i have only been wrong once.

I call her Little Baby.

My body is physically returning to normal to quickly. Im uncomfortable from erpc, very sad this morning...

Possiblyoutedled Thu 28-Feb-13 09:24:18

Go with it shelly allow yourself to grieve for your baby.
No brownie points from being brave I've learned that in my life.

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