What happens with a misscarrige/stillborn?

(54 Posts)
FrillsandLaces Mon 18-Feb-13 20:29:46

Hya, I found out last week at my 20 week scan that my little boy has pelvic renal dilatation. I went for another scan which showed it was really severe. His kidneys nd bladder are to big for his tiny body. His water was low aswell.

A further scan today showed that his water is even lower and will get lower and lower. One of his kidneys had cysts on it and was completly packed out, the other is barely working. His bladder id that big it is in his chest where is lungs should be.

I have another scan in 3 weeks but he is likely to have died by then. My scan is just really to see if he is still alive. Either way there is nothing that can be done for him and he is going to die.

If he hasn't died by my next scan I will be having a termination, it is my only option. He isnt going to survive. Sorry to ramble on just needed to get that off my chest.

My question is, if I have a misscarrige before the scan what happens with a miscarrige? If I have a termination they will stop his heartbeat. What will happen? Will I go into what will be labour? Will I have to give birth to a dead baby? Will they let me hold him? Will they let me stay with him for a while?

I am 21 weeks and if he doesn't die in the next 3 weeks I will be 24 weeks pregnant by the time I have to terminate him. Just to be clear I do not want to do this, there is nothing they can do for my baby and I am absolutly devastaed. Im 21 and this is my first child. I was so looking forward to meeting him.

Even as im writing this I feel as though im talking about Someone else. It all seems surreal. I can't believe I am never going to meet my son alive, im never going to hear his first words watch him learn to walk and talk.

my partner is as devastaed as I am, I have no idea how to support him, I can barely process what is happening myself.

Sorry to ramble. I just need to get it off my chest. What will happen if I misscarry him? As in my body and him? And same if I have a termination?

Thanks for reading x

ariane5 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:34:59

So so sorry to hear such sad news. Iam afraid I do not know what will happen in terms of the birth as have no experience of this at your stage of pregnancy (have had a mc but slightly earlier).

Hope someone who knows more than me is along soon

Thinking of you

LackaDAISYcal Mon 18-Feb-13 20:35:04

Oh love sad I'm so so sorry. Someone will be along with advice, but I couldn't not post. Wishing you and your DP strength over the coming weeks and months xx

booksandchoc Mon 18-Feb-13 20:37:33

I can't help either but just want to add another hug in for you.x

Sorry I can't help. Sending you a huge hug xx

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to read this. Like the others, I don't have any knowledge of your particular situation, but couldn't read and run.

Why don't you book an appointment with your GP tomorrow and ask them what the process will be?

Thinking of you x

Bimblepops Mon 18-Feb-13 20:41:05

I'm so, so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through.

Sending y

Bimblepops Mon 18-Feb-13 20:42:05

Sorry, fat phone fingers.

Sending you a huge hug and all my sympathies.

saycheeeeeese Mon 18-Feb-13 20:50:40

Lots of hugs, im so sorry about your angel boy x

Tamdin Mon 18-Feb-13 20:54:44

I am so sorry sad
My best friend had a stillborn son in January. She was 28 weeks and hadn't felt him move that day and when she was scanned her fears were confirmed. Her baby had died.
She was admitted that night to hospital and given a tablet to induce labour. She was given a second tablet 12 hours later and delivered her baby in the early hours.
The hospital were incredibly supportive and she and her dh got to spend the whole day with him. The sands charity provided a lovely box to keep a lock of his hair and little memory things. I know she was very appreciative of that at the time.
It's an absolutely awful situation for any woman to go through. I am so sorry sad

RufousBartleby Mon 18-Feb-13 20:56:31

Oh I'm so so sorry - how absolutely awful for you.

Have you tried posting this on antenatal/tests choices board as I think you will find more ladies who have been through what you are going through there? Also quite a few stories if you look back on that board of peoples experience of late termination.

I also think the NHS website is quite clear on the actual process.
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Abortion/Pages/How-is-it-performed.aspx

Would second the previous poster who suggested talking to your GP also.

Do you mind me asking, OP, why you feel you want to wait for the scan in three weeks given the diagnosis? Do you feel it would be easier for you if the baby died rather than the pregnancy was terminated? It seems to me to be an incredibly harrowing wait for you.

FrillsandLaces Mon 18-Feb-13 21:04:02

Thank you for your replies. Id just like to prepare myself fr when it happens. IV tried reading it up on the internet but all its coming up with is what happens to the baby afterwards.

Rufous, yes. I want to wait the three weeks because I am hoping that it ends naturally rather than me take his life. I can't bear the thought that I am going to have to end my sons life. He is a baby, he's meant to grow bigger and im meant to meet him in July. This shouldn't be happening.

Smartiescoffer Mon 18-Feb-13 21:11:54

a friend of mine had something similar and had to have a termination. Not sure what they did, think she took a tablet, her baby was about the same stage as yours and she was born alive and lived for half an hour. They got to meet her alive and to spend precious minutes with her. Not sure how normal that is but I suppose there is a chance you may get to meet your beautiful boy and hold him in his final moments. So sorry for you. They had a little service for their baby and I think that helped them in some way.
Really sorry.

StrawberryGateaux Mon 18-Feb-13 21:23:27

Hugs to you op sad xxx

RufousBartleby Mon 18-Feb-13 21:28:16

Oh Frills I know that feeling - have a (((hug))).

What an utterly dreadful time for you - I hope you have lots of lovely people around to support you in real life.

ariane5 Mon 18-Feb-13 21:37:18

Frillsandlaces-please, please if you go for your scan in 3 weeks and it has not ended naturally do not think for one moment that you will be taking his life if you end up having a termination.You have done nothing wrong so please don't make yourself feel bad that it will be your doing, it is something you have had no control over and you are not 'responsible' although I can understand you may feel like you are.

As I mentioned earlier I do not know the process, I have had a mc but it was at an earlier stage and managed surgically under GA (was mmc). I also have had a termination but far far earlier than your stage (I was 13 weeks) it was for medical reasons and also under GA so I can offer no real insight into what may happen for you as I was not awake during main part of it all.

What I can tall you is that yes, it is hard I was sad, very sad at the stage I was at so cannot begin to imagine how it must be for you.I have a memory box in which I keep scan photos and a couple of little bits I had already got for my babies at that stage.for a while I did blame myself but I know now I could not have changed things it was out of my control.

Every now and then I get my box out and I do still cry but I know that what happened with the mc and termination was not my fault.

I now have 4 lovely dcs but you never forget the ones you have lost.

I really really wish I could reach out to you and help you more.this has put my other problems into perspective and made me remember how I felt.

I truly am thinking of you and your little boy.sending you lots of hugs.x

FrillsandLaces Mon 18-Feb-13 23:50:46

Thank you everyone. Smartie, one minute id like to meet him alive the next I don't. Realisticly it would be cruel to him if I gave birth to him while he was alive, he wouldn't be able to breathe and would suffer terribly. Im trying to prepare myself for when he arrives, its just not how I ever imagined it.

Rufous, it really is. One minute im alright and the next im crying my eyes out. I have a lot of support, my mum, step dad, sister and my partner. I have a younger sister who was so excited to meet him, she knitted him a blanket and its took her so long. Im planning to tell her we lost him when all this happens. Im upset for my mum aswel, he is her first grandchild and I could see on her face today how devastated she was. She was trying to put a brave face on for me. She's bought so much stuff for him already - a lot more than I have.

Im worried about my partner - he doesn't have much support. His mum lives abroad and he isnt close to the rest of his family. He's as devastated as I am and I have no idea hoe to help him. He's a mans man aswell and doesn't like to show his feelings. He's cried but then apologised when there's no need to say sorry and there's no shame in crying. I fee so awful for him. He has supported me through so much and now when he needs ny support I feel like there's nothing I can do for him.

Arian - Logically I know that im not ending his life but when I think about it it feels like I am. My poor little boy. I have no idea whats going to happen, its awful thinking im going to have to go through labour and instead of a baby looking at me and crying and me snuggling him, he's not going to be there. Its awful, I wish this was all a terrible dream.

Im going to get a nice box for his things, I have a clay mould thing that my mum got me for Christmas so I could make a mould of his hands and feet when he was born. Im going to use that still so I always have his little hands and feet. Im also going to buy a moulding set off eBay, you can make a 3d mould of your babys hands and feet.

Its awful isnt it, I know it isnt my fault yet I still feel like what could I have done differently? The doctrs and consultants have said its just one of these things and its nothing iv done. When i have another baby the chance of this happening is very unlikely.

Thank you so much x

Bakingtins Tue 19-Feb-13 07:38:45

Frills, I am so sorry that you are facing this. I have only had first trim losses but my best friend lost her first baby at 25 weeks. She had an induced labour because the baby had died and was able to spend time with her and take photos etc. They chose to have post mortem tests because they hadn't known something was wrong then had a private burial service.
Have you contacted SANDS ? I would think they'd be able to offer support and if you need it, counselling, for you and your partner. Thinking of you, wish there was more e could do to support you, I hope you are both well supported IRL.

Bluemonkeyspots Tue 19-Feb-13 07:52:27

I had a termination at 15 weeks for similar reasons.

Yes they will start labour and you give birth, it's up to you if you want to hold/see the baby.

The worst part for me was being on the labour ward and hearing all the women in labour and new babies being born (already had 3dc so labour ward had only had good memories till then) but I understood why they needed me to be there.

Afterwards we had a private funeral just dh and I and I got the keep the babies ashes that are beside my bed.

Make sure you and your partner talk to each other, you need to get through this together and unfortunately you will prob find out friends run a mile.

JakeBullet Tue 19-Feb-13 07:59:13

Frills, I am sorry you are having to go through this, it's a really awful situation to be in.
As to your questions, I am an ex midwife and I helped many women going through the same process as you and helped them deliver their babies. I never once delivered a baby which was alive at the point of birth. From what you describe for your DS it sounds like his lungs will be be less mature than they would usually be at 24 weeks.
Usually what happens is that the baby is born in the amniotic sac....we don't break the waters. These babies don't make any effort to breathe as their problems are generally incompatible with life sad.
The midwife will take your little boy away and get him out if the amniotic sac and clean. They will wrap him up in a shawl so that you can give him a cuddle and spend some time with him. You'll be able to spend as long as you want with him so you can say goodbye.
They'll also talk to you about a funeral/blessing etc which you will be able to attend..it's only a simple thing unless you want to do your own thing.

Hope that answers your questions a bit.

Another organisation who can help are ARC.....Antenatal Choices and Results
here who have an excellent forum for families going through the same situation as you x

I'm so sorry about your little boy. I have had two pregnancies where the baby died at 20 weeks. Both times I took tablets at the hospital to start labour off, then came back the next day and had a pessary to help labour along.

The hospital I was at had a special room for people in this situation. The midwives were lovely and very kind. Although the babies were only 20 week size, labour was still painful, so I used gas and air.

Both times the midwives offered to do the babies' footprints, they were dressed in mini blankets which we kept afterwards. We were able to spend some time with both babies and take photos. I kept a little memory box for each baby.

We had a very small funeral and cremation both times.

ErikNorseman Tue 19-Feb-13 08:07:32

You poor darling xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:08:25

How are you?

Big hugs. x x x

TERRICOVERLEYDoSAC Sat 23-Feb-13 22:36:53

So very sad to hear about you little boy. Thinking of you all.

Just to say that I had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks. A lovely midwife got us through the delivery. We were treated very kindly and sensitively, given time with the baby (brought back to us wrapped in a blanket in a moses basket), given hand and foot prints etc.

My sister lost a baby at 24 weeks and at this stage her loss was treated as a still birth (and she received her full maternity leave entitlement etc). She got support from Sands.

I'm so very sorry that this has happened - sending you love.

Rosduk Fri 01-Mar-13 06:26:59

I lost my little boy in nov at 28 weeks. I actually had an emcs as he was poorly and he lived for 2 hours so slightly different situation but I can tell you that once the baby is born they give you hand and footprints, a lock of hair (if there is any!) and lots of sands leaflets. You will be able to spend as much time as you like with him. Depending on how many weeks you will be If it is after 24 weeks you legally have to register them and have a funeral burial/cremation paid for by the state. For what it's worth we originally chose to cremate Thomas, but decided on a burial at last minute and I'm so glad we did as now we have somewhere to visit him. If you cremate it is unlikely you will get any ashes so just be aware of that.
I hope it all goes as ok as it can. Another one here sending you love x

FrillsandLaces Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:44

Thank you for your replies. I was induced last Friday and had my little boy on Sunday morning. He surprised everyone because he was born alive. He lived for half an hour and then passed away. Me and his daddy all got into bed together, we told him how much we loved him and we all lay together while he passed. He wasn't in any pain. His funeral is on Tuesday, I can't get my head round that its actually happened. I keep forgetting im not pregnant with him anymore. I stayed in hospital with him till Tuesday I couldn't bear to leave him. My poor little boy, he was so tiny yet big at the same time. He looked just like me but his hands and feet were just like his daddys. Im so proud of him he was so strong and im so glad he held on to meet us.

olivertheoctopus Sun 17-Mar-13 21:38:48

Oh you poor poor thing. I am so sad for the loss of your little boy. I hope Tuesday goes as well as can be expected. xx

Lyndaloo Sun 17-Mar-13 21:40:27

So sorry for your loss Frills flowers

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Mar-13 21:44:17

So sorry for your loss. X

piemistress Sun 17-Mar-13 21:46:01

So sorry for your loss, big hugs xxx

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Mar-13 21:49:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahJinx Sun 17-Mar-13 21:50:02

So so sorry Frills, so glad that you got to meet him. I can't imagine your pain, holding your hand though x

ImpatientOne Sun 17-Mar-13 21:58:38

So sorry Frills sad

Wishing you love and strength for Tuesday xxx

Shellywelly1973 Sun 17-Mar-13 22:06:25

Im so sorry. I have watched this thread&wondered how you were doing...

Take care. Sending you love&hugs. Wishing you strength for Tuesday.

Bakingtins Mon 18-Mar-13 07:16:54

Frills I am so sorry. Thanks for updating us, I'm glad you got to meet him and say goodbye properly. I hope that's a comfort to you in the days to come.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Mon 18-Mar-13 07:40:56

So sorry Frills. Thinking of you and you little boy x

nectarini1983 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:42:45

So sorry for you all. Bless your hearts xx

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Mon 18-Mar-13 15:48:04

So sorry OP.

I'm so sorry Frills, thinking of you, your family and your very Darling Son.

FrillsandLaces Sun 29-Sep-13 05:01:37

This thread is 7 months old now, its the first time ive been back on here since I wrote my last post. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really appreciated it at the time and reading through it all has made me cry all over again. Thank you everyone you were a lot of help x x x

escorpion Sun 29-Sep-13 19:18:07

bless your heart, sending you so much love your way. How are you doing? x

lighthousesea Mon 30-Sep-13 21:11:55

Thinking of you.

FrillsandLaces Tue 01-Oct-13 00:35:12

Thank you, same as I was when my son died tbh, I had a miscarrige in July so its all gone down hill. But I do have my good days thank you for asking xxx

escorpion Tue 01-Oct-13 00:44:11

Well know there are lots of women thinking about you. You are so strong and brave to have got through this and written about it to help others. x

BlueSkyandRain Tue 01-Oct-13 19:29:17

I'm so sorry Frills. My ds was stillborn at the beginning of April, and I had a mc a month ago. I hope you have lots of supportive people around you and more good days than bad. Take care x

joanna0211marie Tue 01-Oct-13 19:44:13

You brave brave lady, only have admiration for you, so sorry for your loss xx

FrillsandLaces Tue 01-Oct-13 20:25:06

Thank you everyone, Bluesky im so sorry about your little boy, I bet he was beautiful. If you ever want a chat feel free to pm me x x x

I found out Im pregnant again today, im so so pleased and petrified at the same time. Every little niggle has me worried but I know im bound to feel that way now. Im only 4 weeks so its very early days yet x x x

LittleTulip Tue 01-Oct-13 20:33:59

Oh Frills been reading this thread and your last post has really made me smile! Many congratulations have everything crossed from you.

I'm still in the early stages of a loss.. My little boy was stillborn 5 weeks today x

LittleTulip Tue 01-Oct-13 20:34:25

Crossed for you not from!

BlueSkyandRain Tue 01-Oct-13 21:16:15

So so pleased for you Frills, congratulations smile. Can imagine the mixture of emotions. I have been thinking about whether to try again as I know how hard I would find it. I thankfully have other dcs, was talking to them today and they'd really like us to try again so think we prob will. But it is so scary, isn't it?

LittleTulip I'm so sorry you're walking this path too. It's such early days, you must still be in such shock. please do tell us about your little boy if you would like to. My loss was caused by the placenta coming away with no warning at 36 weeks, I lost a lot of blood and my son was already dead when I got to hospital. He was so beautiful and looked just like his older brother when he was born.

If either of you want to have a look at the rainbow babies thread there are many women on there who have suffered this kind of loss too, it has been such a support for me. Will have a look for the link but its in the conception section (ttc after stillbirth). There are some ladies on there who are pg and others who are trying, but all have some understanding of the grief and fears and all the other emotions.

LittleTulip Tue 01-Oct-13 21:40:18

Have PM you Blue

FrillsandLaces Wed 02-Oct-13 10:55:29

LittleTulip, Thank you. Im full of nerves but Its going to be like this till i know everythings ok. Im so sorry about your son, its awful isnt it, i hope your doing the best you can xxx

BlueSky, Thank you, yes lots of mixed emotions. Im happy but im sad at the same time and im so worried. It is so scary, my dp didnt want to start again with either pregnancies after we had our son. But they both still happened. I wanted to try again straight away, not to replace my son because he cant be replaced but my days have been empty since he died. Nothings ever been the same. I look back and realise how naive i was.

Ive hear about rainbow babies,

I hope your both doing as well as you can be and thank you for reading x x x

Shellywelly1973 Wed 02-Oct-13 11:08:57

Congratulations Frills!

I remember this thread as I was so distraught at thevtime of your original post after losing my own baby.

Im now 23 weeks pregnant.

I literally had a panic attack when my pregnancy test came up positive.

I've coped by saying constantly- 'right now this very moment im still pregnant'. Every hour of every day that passes gives me hope. Don't get me wrong, I was so stressed going for my 12 week scan that I couldn't actually speak to sonographer.

Take care of yourself. Live in the moment. I really hope everything works out for you.

Best wishes. X

FrillsandLaces Wed 02-Oct-13 19:45:23

Thank you shelly and congratulations! My test was very faint, but its there! I keep checking it because I keep thinking ive just got it wrong! Yes I keep telling myself that im pregnant right now, im so worried. Even if I reach 12 weeks the worry won't go away because it could still go wrong.

Its strange, before i found out I was pregnant with my son I had an awful dream that I gave birth to a premature baby that died, as it turned out my son was premature and he passed away, 3 weeks ago I had a lovely dream where I gave birth to twin boys and everyone thought they were going to die but they didnt, its daft but im hoping my dreams are right and baby is fine, think ill have a heart attack if there's two lol.

I keep getting niggles which i know is normal but i keep running to toilet to check im not bleeding, i suppose that's normal to worry though isnt it.

Thank you and a massive congratulations smile x x x

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