Is it meant to be this hard?

(73 Posts)
SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Feb-13 21:07:37

It was confirmed yesterday that I was miscarrying at 7 weeks. I was totally inconsolable. The doctor looked at me like I was mental! I'm a little calmer today, but it just keeps hitting me again, like a blow to the guts. My friend was being lovely, and offered a girly night and a bottle of cherry brandy. The fact that I can drink it now hit me WHAM!
I feel like a total fraud, I was 7 weeks, it was a cluster of cells pretty much, my poor sister lost her dd at 38 weeks! But I just can't get my head round this. I've been lurking in cyber space all day, pretending, but even Mumsnet isn't a safe place to hide anymore! I really need to pull myself together don't I?!

Sophiaarya Fri 01-Feb-13 21:14:56

How ever far along you are it matters! It is still a loss to you and in your heart. Time heals. But you never forget. Promise you will feel stronger it just doesn't feel like it now and it feels so unfair. X

halesball Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:49

I'm so sorry for your loss. You definitely don't need to pull yourself together. You only found out yesterday, allow yourself time and space to grieve. Losing a baby is devastating at any point. Take it hour by hour you'll then be able to take it day by day thanks

Geekster Fri 01-Feb-13 22:19:57

So sorry for your loss. The fact that you were 7 weeks makes no difference to what is a truly horrible time. What you are feeling is normal, you have suffered a bereavement and like any bereavement you need to give yourself lots of time. You do not need to pull yourself together you need to give yourself time to grieve and you feel how you feel from day to day. There are no time limits, all I can tell you is it does get better in time, but you will never entirely forget, but learn to live with it.

Take care x

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 10:23:34

So sorry to read of your loss. It's such a dreadful place to be, especially as you are going through it right now. You definitely do not need to "pull yourself together"; This is a terribly distressing and draining experience. You need to do whatever you can to get through these few days - whether that is talking about it, coming on here, resting in bed, meeting a friend, booking a facial, eating a gigantic chocolate bar.. Whatever! And you need to be kind to yourself too...

Although you say you feel like a fraud, and it was just "a cluster of cells" the truth is that you have not just lost this little baby, but right now you have also lost the hopes you had for this little one, for you and your Partner and your life as a little family.. It's a lot more than "a cluster of cells", and is something that hits hard at all stages..

Right now it might be hard to be hopeful, but if this is your first experience of miscarriage, it is highly likely that you will go on to have a successful pregnancy the next time - the vast majority of people do- though it might be hard to think about that right now.

It must be especially hard for you to feel you can express your sadness given your ds's truly awful experience.. But her experience does not lessen the fact that early miscarriage can be devastating, and you need to be able to express this as its happening. As other posters have said, you will feel better, but its important to let yourself be sad and angry now.. It's a rotten experience you are having.

Be kind to yourself and don't hid. Take care x.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 10:42:19

Thanks for your posts. I felt like I was going a little mad! Tayto you are right. It's all changed. Nothing will be like I planned. That's really hard to think about right now. sad

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 11:11:20

Holding your hand saggy.

Countmyblessings Sat 02-Feb-13 12:20:48

Saggy- I'm so sorry for your loss and as its already been said - it's fresh news and your right to mourn the life you thought you was going to have when you found out!!!
My advice to you is take 1 day at a time, your day your way!
Talk to your oh/ DH if its possible sharing the feelings of what you have lost is important!
Write down your feelings, I did and when I looked back I couldn't believe how far I had come! ( I have had 3 losses in total 2 ectopics and MMC at 13 weeks)
Don't think your alone as you can see coming on here you connect with women who are dealing with the same feelings as you! All normal all expected!

Big hug and hand holding from me to u x

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 16:03:20

Coming here really helps. People have been coming and going all day. I feel like a goldfish in a bowl. And if one more person does the sympathetic head tilt I will scream! It's lovely on MN, I can't see anybody!

CupOfTeaSandwiches Sat 02-Feb-13 16:50:32

I know exactly how you feel. I found out the same news last Monday. I have to go back to the hospital on Monday coming for a further scan although I know the results already.

I will hold your hand if you don't mind holding mine. I am feeling the same way as you. There are also times when I feel like going and smashing everything breakable through anger and disappointment.

It's very early days and everything is such a shock. Just look after yourself and do what makes you feel ok at that time.

Thinking of you xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 17:57:51

I'm all for mutual hand holding. Especially here where we can say the things we can't say out loud in real life. X

jmf294 Sat 02-Feb-13 18:15:28

Saggy and Cupoftea- I was also on your antenatal thread and I left over 2 weeks ago.
It is just horrible and I'm so sorry for you both.
I have 2 children and this one was a lovely surprise 3rd!
Never experience a miscarriage before- I opted for a ERPC as I was so frightened about what might happen and I wanted it over quickly.
I have been back in hospital today with pain and now have probably got an infection. I should be 10 weeks pregnant and looking forward to my scan in 2 weeks- not left like this.

Take things easy, one day at a time and its good to cry and cry.
It wasn't just cells, it was your baby and very loved.
Thinking of you both. Xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 18:34:57

I remember you JMF. {{hug}} I got on the September bus so full of optimism. I would NEVER ill wish any of those lovely people, but I feel so jealous of them all still happy and looking forward to their babies. sad

Countmyblessings Sat 02-Feb-13 19:27:56

Saggy - that's the thing about being excited you join on a thread and with all those people in the first few days weeks you see people posting bad news your heart goes out as you say " sorry" never thinking that could be you till it happens to you!!!!
I started a thread where so many women fell of Threads and knowing that thread will continue without them sharing news of scans and heartbeats!
Feeling jealous is normal and that feeling will past! I had 4 RL friends pregnant when I lost last one they avoided me as didn't want to upset me not knowing that avoiding me and my loss was awful! Some I got to speak freely about it and 1 will never know!!!
It may seem hard, dark,bleak and even hopeless but your days will get better and easier! As I said 1 day at a time!!!

Ps- I hated the look of sympathy too,but people especially those who have never suffered a loss don't have a clue on how to handle how your feeling!!!!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 19:37:43

The worst sympathy to handle comes from my sweet sister. She has been so lovely to me. When she lost her daughter I was so upset, and felt so guilty that I had 2 healthy dcs and she had none, I couldnt speak to her for a week. I dont feel I deserve her sweetness!

sad Awww Saggy I am so sorry to hear this. I can't think of anything to say but that, I just haven't got the words sad

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sun 03-Feb-13 11:18:28

Well I can now definitively affirm that everything does NOT look better when you are pissed.

LandsN Sun 03-Feb-13 11:32:46

I am so sorry to read this i went through exactly the same a week before xmas so know exactly how you feel sad i already have 2 children and tried so hard to put a brave face on for them and to get through xmas and believe me it does no good to hold it in the more you can express your grief the better i got to new year and it hit me then cos i should have been happy going ito the new year but instead i just cried and cried.
nobody who knows what you are going through will ever judge you for expressing your feelins and i have found this website a amazing help just chatting to people who REALLY know how you feel rather than people who just sympatise!! Good luck for the future and feel free to chat as much as you like i find myself on here alot of the time xxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 10:26:30

I have to call the EPAU and go for another blood test today. I really don't think I can go there again.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 14:30:14

I am just in pieces today. I drove to the hospital, my mind just kept wondering off, I have no idea how I got there really. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday, and I just want to go back there. I need to work on friday. I have to get it together.sad

TaytoCrisp Mon 04-Feb-13 20:31:15

Oh saggy, sorry to hear that..it is just so tiring and draining.

If at all possible maybe you should get a sick note for the next few days; or see how you feel on Wednesday/Thursday.

I felt so totally drained for two weeks or so, i think you really need to take the time to rest while you are going through this; and i think that taking time out now and resting will help get you through this in the weeks to come, esp. when you have to go back to work etc.. xxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 20:37:06

No point in a sick note, Im self employed and we need the money. In doing as little as possible now in the hope I can get through friday and saturday.

TaytoCrisp Mon 04-Feb-13 21:08:04

Oh dear. Good plan to take it easy as much as possible before then. It is really so hard right now, but if you can rest you will hopefully feel more ready for work on friday and saturday.. though best not to think about it at the moment... maybe realxing bath and bed for now.. xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:44

Thanks. X it really helps to vent here. There's so much in my head I can't say to people in RL.

fourbears Mon 04-Feb-13 22:14:25

I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. It was discovered at a scan. There was no foetus, it was probably a blighted ovum (hate that phrase) so only a placenta and empty sac. (The doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy from my hormone levels, but it turned out not to be when they looked at the tissue.)

I was unconsolable and felt the world had ended. Everything went literally grey. I got really really drunk, which I never normally do and I found too, it doesn't help. I phoned my MIL hysterical with grief. I even named the baby, I felt she would have been a girl. I think it's because it's the end of something you love with all your heart, pretty much as soon as the pregnancy test changes and then that's gone. Someone said to me at the time, why are you upset? There never was a baby. But that didn't make it any less somehow.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't feel as though you shouldn't grieve so much or feel so bad, given you were 'only' 7 weeks along. It's devastating and I will remember the pain as long as I live. It was nearly 14 years ago and still shedding a tear now. Lots of love to you, op. Give yourself lots of understanding and time.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 22:44:56

Thank you. It really really helps to hear other people's experiences. I'm just sad that anyone has to go through this.
I'm stressing again, I'm building up to discuss with DP as to where we go from here. He's been amazing, took the unplanned pregnancy in his stride, been a pillar of support, held me when I've cried, but I'm terrified that this is it. He never wanted another baby before we got pregnant, and he accepted it happily because he knew it made me happy, but whether he wants to make another? I know it's early days, but I've got to know.

Saggy, so sorry you are going through this.

IME (I had 4 MMCs) it is not so much the loss of a tiny pregnancy I mournded, but the loss of the potential child. It's the looking ahead I always did whenever the POAS had been positive, that then came back to bite me hard when it all went pearshaped. Again.

Be very kind to yourself. You are in mourning even if there is no funeral etc. It will take time to heal.

I hope you and your DP can sort things out - many a lost unplanned pregnancy has led to TTC at some point in the future.

I hope you are physically recovering. Much love x.

OMG mourned, so sorry

KateUnrulyBush Tue 05-Feb-13 04:39:31

Oh Saggy sad So sorry. I had two mc's between ds1 and ds2, about 18 months ago. I took the first one particularly hard and kept on reading the ante-natal thread I had fallen off (don't do that, it does not help!) as I just couldn't believe it had happened.

Just one day at a time, it is very hard but it does get easier to accept. It's amazing how many plans you, even subconsciously, start making as soon as that line appears on the stick, and letting those plans go does take time.

Be gentle with yourself, you will get there xx

HoleyGhost Tue 05-Feb-13 13:28:49

So sorry Saggy. I also would have been on the same thread.

delilahbelle Tue 05-Feb-13 13:59:30

I know how you feel. Even though I have only got as far as chemical pregnancies, it's the hope and planning for the future you are mourning, your child that could have been.

It's a horrible sucky experience.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 05-Feb-13 14:22:46

It absolutely sucks. I feel shite today. Mum came round and helped me clean up and I had to stop. I'm exhausted, drained and miserable.
I just want to sleep.

Go and sleep. Sleep is a blessed escape and what your body and mind demand - just go with it.

Your grief and sense of loss will wax and wane, but over time you will feel the loss less acutely, honest.

{hugs}

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 05-Feb-13 21:26:43

You're all so sweet. Thank you.
On a positive note, I saw MIL earlier. She's a cantankerous old bag usually, and I was expecting sarcasm, "thank god you lost it" type comments, and she was absolutely lovely. This baby might not have been meant to be, but it's brought the best out of my entire, annoying, contrary family. Thats got to be a blessing. smile

jmf294 Tue 05-Feb-13 23:10:56

Thinking of you Saggy and all of us who have had recent losses.
I keep torturing myself looking at the September thread- cant quite believe I had to leave.
I saw a few minutes of the abortion program on panorama last night and started crying again. I feel worse this week than last and now I have an infection after the ERPC and am on antibiotics that you can't TTC on.
All rubbish!!
Take care and take it easy Saggy xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 05-Feb-13 23:20:43

<<having a rational day today>>
Jmf, hide the thread. Dont torture yourself. sad
Have a big {{hug}}

jmf294 Tue 05-Feb-13 23:25:40

Consider yourself hugged back xx

fatasbutter Wed 06-Feb-13 18:03:20

Hi saggy - was lurking on the Sept Fred too as would have been due on the 19th. Then on the same day you posted about your PUL I was diagnosed with the same. I spent the weekend going in and out of hospital for bloods and scans, as they thought it was ectopic. Now they think its a blighted ovum so am going for a scan on Monday, but have been having cramps and a bit of spotting too.

This is my 2nd mc in a year, and after the first one it took 9 months to get another bfp so I'm fairly peeved it has ended again. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know just how you feel, although 2nd time easier as instead of thinking 'it won't be me' you always think 'it'll definitely be me!' But it is still incredibly draining, so sympathy/empathy hugs from me too (without the head tilt wink)

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 06-Feb-13 19:21:15

Hi Fatas, Im so sorry.x I was due on 19th to, so I got an excited reminder on my phone telling me I was 8 weeks today, sad It really sucks, doesnt it.

fatasbutter Wed 06-Feb-13 22:47:23

It REALLY sucks. Am fed up with having to wait til Monday for a scan and praying I can have an erpc on the Tuesday! Have taken tues and weds off work in anticipation but no doubt things will not go to plan!! confused

fatasbutter Wed 06-Feb-13 22:49:43

And JMF I'm sorry to hear you got an infection after the erpc. I saw your posts in the sept also so {{hugs}} to you too

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 06-Feb-13 22:53:00

I suppose I can say at least mine is over. sad
Fingers crossed everything goes to plan for you. x

So sorry, Saggy sad. There is nothing anybody can say that makes it 'better'; it does just suck.
Condolences to everybody else on this thread who has suffered losses.

HoleyGhost Thu 07-Feb-13 11:04:34

Thank you PacificDogwood.

SpanishLady Fri 08-Feb-13 12:08:47

Hi

another September 2013 thread veteran here.

how is everyone doing today? I hope people are feeling a bit better x

HoleyGhost Fri 08-Feb-13 12:34:40

Hi SpanishLady - hope you are doing okay. I am reeling and teary today.

SpanishLady Fri 08-Feb-13 14:08:03

I am so sorry to hear this. I really wish there was something we could do to really help ourselves but there is just this silence - yet from a practical point of view I think planning something or giving up tea/losing weight/being healthy or whatever you think might help are little ways to empower yourself - it has made me feel a little like I am fighting back.

Im also a bit of a beliver in counting blessings when I feel knocked down - but I also dont think it hurts to spend some time feeling sad as well.

god this sucks

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 08-Feb-13 19:02:38

I went back to work today. I was panicking on the way, but once I got there it was ok.
I've just had to break the news to my doctor. She rang to see how I was and offer me a scan if I was still spotting! sad
I'm feeling ok though. Kind of empty and a little distant, but I have to bounce back, I've got a job and a family. As I said in the beginning, it's the sudden mentions of babies or pregnancy that appear here and there which hit me in the guts! I try and stay positive, but it is hard. {{hugs}} to everyone.

Hang in there Saggy <manly buffet on shoulder type thing>

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 08-Feb-13 20:17:10

As an aside to Pom, am I keeping the bear? wink

jmf294 Sat 09-Feb-13 07:27:45

How are you all doing ladies?
It's sad that there are many of us going through this.
Hope the bleeding settles Saggy- well done for going back to work, it's hard. I was off for 8 days and was so scared about going back.
Had a few sad moments at work with other people talking about babies,

Hope things are ok for you fatasbutter.
My ERPC was really quite a peaceful experience for me- I was frightened about passing everything at home. In hospital I was well looked after and I was fine. Went to sleep and woke up feeling fine, no pain, only very light bleeding. Thought to myself it was my babies final gift to me that all would be ok.

My infection is all gone- I just had severe pelvic pain but the antibiotics have been horrid- diarrhoea and horrid taste in mouth,
I need to sort myself out - comfort eating excessively and not exercising!!
I am off for a run at 8 so better get up.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend ladies xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 10:37:15

I'm trying to not let myself feel down. ha ha ha I'm trying to lose a little a lot weight so if I do this again I'm not classed as high risk, and eat more healthily!

SpanishLady Sat 09-Feb-13 10:38:11

Glad to hear you are feeling better JMF!

it was tough for me too saggy going back my boss knew but no one else so am not sure who was most shocked when the colleague who sits next to me thrust a photo of her friends newborn at me - I must have recoiled in horror as she looked terrified/upset and confused. I felt so bad I explained and as tends to happen she confided that she has had two mc's (first time with twins) and also had an ectopic last year - I immediately felt even worse for moping around when she's had that on her plate. I really hadn't appreciated who in my life has been through this horrible experience.

On a slightly more positive note I tested BFN today so think i have been lucky as its just been a week since my MC. I am hoping for an AFP this month.

Hope everyone has a nice a weekend as possible and the snow tomorrow isn't too much of a pain. X

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 11:11:43

That's true. I look at people I know who have had miscarriages in a totally new light. I was always one of those dreaded "oh how awful, maybe it was for the best, it was early days, life goes on" types. Ignorance is definitely bliss. sad

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 11:14:49

And I'm also sad about the number of people close to me who have been through this and I never knew. I know everyone is different, and lots of people are very private, but the people around me have been amazing, and being alone in my sadness would be so much harder.

fatasbutter Sat 09-Feb-13 16:36:22

Thanks jmf - am glad erpc was ok for you: Monday is my scan and hopefully get booked in ASAP! Really need to move on, and I want to start exercising so need this unbearable tiredness and slight nausea to bugger off! wink

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sun 10-Feb-13 12:40:35

Back on the roller coaster today! The book I was reading had a baby in it! confused sad I was feeling so much better too! angry

HoleyGhost Sun 10-Feb-13 14:56:48

I was feeling better today until DH nipped out to the shops. He met a friend there who told him she was expecting.

I've been through years of infertility and never previously been upset to hear a pregnancy anouncement. I feel evil.

I so want this miscarriage to be over.

HoleyGhost Mon 11-Feb-13 09:56:48

To explain the above - I had suspected said friend was pregnant and had been thinking it would be lovely to be on mat leave at the same time. I was really hoping she was - now she is and I am not!

SpanishLady Mon 11-Feb-13 20:10:22

Holey, you are not evil! It's hard to hear of other people's pregnancies and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a twinge of something it's normal. You
Don't begrudge this friend you just wish it was you too and the fact is none of us can know it won't be us soon. It's hard to wait with all the fear and hope you have but it will you be again x

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 11-Feb-13 21:58:33

I agree with SpanishLady. I an dreadfully jealous of pregnant people, and angry that I'm not, but I wouldnt wish this on anybody.
My cousin is due any day, and it HURTS, but i've just found out that she has been through this, and I cant grudge her her baby. It WILL be us, oneday.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 13-Feb-13 16:57:51

I feel really shit today. I spent most of it in bed, and when I did get up I just mooched round the house weeping occasionally. sad
Today I feel desolate and have no idea how I will get past this. I can't bring myself to speak to DP about it, I'm fairly certain he will say that he doesn't want to make another baby, and this is it. sad

HoleyGhost Wed 13-Feb-13 17:14:10

You are not alone. I feel like shit and have the opposite problem - my DH is so eager to try again. I know it is too recent and too raw to make such a big decision but I don't want to face another pregnancy.

Saggy, you don't need to rush a decision. Maybe tell your dp how you are feeling right now, without any ultimatum. The awfulness of miscarriage puts strain on the relationship as well as everything else.

We all need a bit of time to grieve. Though the loss will always be with us.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 08:41:01

Hoping for a better day today.
{{hugs}} for Holey, and I really hope you feel better soon. I took your advice. I spoke to DP and just told him how i feel. I just couldn't sleep and my thoughts were eating me up. So I just said it. My DP was lovely. He just held me as I sobbed, and said that he was worried about me having to go through this again, but we could just go with it, not use contraception and see what happens! He never fails to surprise me! We've been together 21 years and somewhere along the line he's changed so much! A couple of years ago he wouldn't have said "Never" and been totally immoveable on the subject. I think it's been other people's reactions, which have been universally positive which have helped!
I really hope I can move on now. I hate feeling like this. I was being eaten alive. I was sat in the dark in my paddock last night filling the water trough and just sobbing!

HoleyGhost Thu 14-Feb-13 09:31:24

I've booked a counselling session for next week as I feel that I am not moving on. It doesn't help that I am still bleeding heavily (surely I should have lost all my blood by now!)

Saggy I'm glad you talked to your dp :-) I hope that today will feel like a new begining.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 09:59:10

We will see. Mine stopped all of a sudden. I really hope the counselling helps midear. Each day as it comes. X

jmf294 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:24:41

Saggy- so glad you had that conversation with your DP, he sounds wonderful and I'm so glad he understood.
Have fun seeing what happens and I really hope you have some good news soon.
Holey sorry you are feeling so sad- it would be really good to talk to someone and get some help. I hope your bleeding settles down and then you can start your physical recovery.
I'm doing ok generally- still have moments when I cry, like seeing a baby born on TV last night- wasn't OBEM, thats banned but the Brain Doctors programme. When the snow came back it made me sad as it was snowwing last time when I lost the pregnancy and I ran at the weekend and that made me sad as I just wished I was still pregnant!
My period came back this week so just over 3 weeks after the ERPC- I had been worried about waiting for weeks. I'm so stupid I was trying to work out what my EDD would be if I got pregnant this month- would be November!! Not sure if I just want to replace what I lost or if i truely want to try again. This pregnancy was a surprise and it all feels a bit scary.

Thinking of you all xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 11:32:53

I'm glad you're doing ok JMF. I know what you mean about seeing babies. I was reading a stupid romance novel and there was a birth in it! I was in bits. I hope that whatever you decide to do it works out happily for you. X

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 28-Feb-13 09:58:49

FGS! I'm back at EPAU today. It's four weeks since this started. I have still got hCG in my blood, and have just been scanned again. There's either a corpus luteum or the residue of an ectopic on my ovary. They aren't going to do anything, just see what happens. In so sick I this now. I want to draw a line now and move on. sad angry

HoleyGhost Fri 01-Mar-13 21:16:12

That really sucks :-(

I hope it all resolves soon. Have they booked you for another scan?

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Mar-13 21:22:54

Well, they booked me in for next wednesday, but, I got a call today. My blood levels have gone right down to 19. They had stalled for the last 10 days at 150! Discharged to GP for another blood test next week. Im rather relieved! Ive got a feeling AF is on her way, have some major cramps going on, so thats that! Onward and upward! Ive gone from the pit of despair yesteday to being optimistic for the future. Talk about a rollercoaster!

HoleyGhost Fri 01-Mar-13 21:34:18

Whew! It will get easier. And then harder again for a bit. No matter what happens the rollercoaster continues.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Mar-13 21:40:50

I know. im starting to think I might be bipolar! confused

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