Devastated after second late miscarriage

(36 Posts)
TaytoCrisp Fri 18-Jan-13 09:20:55

Our beautiful little boy was born at 23 weeks in summer - too small to survive. It was an extremely distressing and sad time; and has been difficult since especially when friends and family announce pregnancies and new babies.

The postmortem showed our little boy was perfectly healthy, but that I have a clotting disorder - factor v Leiden. This is quite common but is associated with placenta abruption in the second semester. Because of this the consultant advised that I take aspirin and heparin injections if I was to get pregnant again.

In October I became pregnant - we were delighted but also very anxious. I started aspirin and heparin and had two scans which showed all was well. Two nights ago I suddenly felt light menstrual cramps while while watching tv; when I went to the bathroom I realised I had started bleeding heavily. I went straight into hospital where I spent a very upsetting and occasionnally very frightening 28 hours. I had never seen so much blood and huge clots in my life; and I found the experience of looking for our tiny baby in the bedpan for over 20 hours very distressing. I had a dreadful experience using the gas and air where I felt like I was trapped and one of the doctors was trying to harm me (she was actually trying to remove the placenta but it was partially still attached to the wall of the uterus so extremely painful). In the end I had a general anaesthetic to remove it...got home yesterday after a day and a half.

The nurse said it looked as if our second little baby was also a boy. I was 14 weeks pregnant. In total I have been pregnant for 37 weeks over the last year with no baby to show for it. The most upsetting thing is the loss of hope.. I know it is still early days but I'm not sure if I could cope with a third late miscarriage sad. And I will be 40 this year - our little baby was due before my birthday, so although I tried not to think ahead I often thought of what a wonderful birthday it would be when the little one arrived. I can't bear to think of any plans we had now. We have been looking to move house but no longer feel we should as we may not ever need the extra space..

We are fortunate to have a most fabulous little girl, healthy and full of joy. I can't imagine how hard miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage is for people who have not yet had a little one. I am grateful for her and she can help us from despairing too much.

But I feel very sad now, and the loss of hope is hard to come to terms with. Just felt the need to write this down today... Sorry for everyone on this section - I just can't believe I'm back here again too sad.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. We had two pregnancies that both ended with the babies dying in utero at 20 weeks, so I can totally sympathise with your pain.

Irishmammybread Fri 18-Jan-13 10:25:25

I haven't experience of late miscarriage tayto ,mine were at 11,6 and12 weeks but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.
It sounds like you had a horrendous experience at hospital too which must have brought it's own trauma.
Having a little girl already doesn't make you mourn the loss of your other babies any less, but you're right,I found too, it does help to have that to focus on and gives you a reason to move forward.
Look after yourself x

shakeyjake Fri 18-Jan-13 14:22:01

I am so sorry x

HumphreyCobbler Fri 18-Jan-13 14:35:13

I am so sorry. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes. I too have counted up the months I have been pregnant for with no baby sad The loss of hope describes the feeling so well. The milestones you have looked forward to become so painful.

Be very kind to yourself and hug your little girl close to you.

TaytoCrisp Sat 19-Jan-13 10:28:50

Thank you for your kind thoughts.. and very sorry to read of your sad experiences too. Big hug to all xxx.

Countmyblessings Sat 19-Jan-13 12:07:24

Tay- I'm am so very sorry for the awful and traumatising times you have gone through this! I have had 3 losses but 2 not as late as you and the emotions I have gone through has been hard to deal with and share! MN threads really helped me through some dark days!
I have dc but a loss is still so difficult!
I do hope you get to talk to someone about this in RL and you get full support with your feelings! I had 2 losses in old house moved and felt like this was new start and then had a loss in new home!
But it got easier to cope with and I decided to focus on charity oversea and supported that way made me feel better!
Take care of yourself this is still very fresh and due dates are hard also!
Hope for us when things look dire is hard but the 1st step to healing is holding onto hope as you never know what tomorrow can bring!

Countmyblessings Sat 19-Jan-13 12:08:24

Also sorry for all of the other posters losses!

TaytoCrisp Tue 22-Jan-13 09:34:03

Thank you count. And I'm very sorry to hear of your three losses. You sound like a very resilient person. It is interesting that you mentioned charity work - I think it might be helpful to me to focus on something worthwhile in the future if we decide we can't go down the pregnancy road again.

My levels of hope are quite low at the moment, and I feel nurturing it would not be in my best interest, but I will see what my consultant says in a few weeks and reassess how we feel about everything.

Last night DH said "well if we did conceive and the baby came at 30 weeks it would have a good chance of being ok" - how lucky we were with our beautiful dd who was born after a straightforward pregnancy where loss never entered our minds.. So lucky to have her!

dontmixthecolours Tue 22-Jan-13 09:38:03

I'm so so sorry. Please be kInd to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I didn't do that after my 4 miscarriages and I'm struggling with it now. You do what feels right for you

Take care

SophieBirkBirk Tue 22-Jan-13 15:09:44

Sorry to hear about the losses of your 2 little boys thanks
Don't give up until you get what you want, I really hope you get a healthy fullterm baby very soon.

I lost my little boy at 23weeks in April, he was perfect. i didnt have a post mortem on him because we new the cause already. Since then had 2 early losses at 7 weeks august and december.

I'm only 18 and when I think about one day having a healthy baby it seems impossible and slim. So I can only imagine how you feel. Good things happen, just some take longer than others. Make sure you stay strong and never give up! thanks

TaytoCrisp Tue 22-Jan-13 16:40:35

Thank you for your thoughtful words Sophie. Im really very sorry to hear that you had two subsequent losses, after losing your little one at 23 weeks- - that must have been so distressing. I feel like the effect of loss is cumulative, and a new loss brings up the feelings of earlier loss. I don't know how i would cope with another loss. I hope you are getting some good advice from medical staff that can help you with future pregnancies. thanks

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaytoCrisp Tue 22-Jan-13 17:02:11

Hi lunatic

So very sorry to hear of your losses - it must have taken a lot of courage to try for your DS. I am inspired by you. Your message has given me a little hope.

I was on 75mg aspirin and 5000 iu of anti Factor xa heparin (Fragmin).

I feel that the second loss was very similar to the first (so worried the thinners didnt work); but i cant be sure until i meet the consultant to discuss the postmortem and blood test results.

Any advice most appreciated.

TaytoCrisp Tue 22-Jan-13 17:03:51

Lunatic - sorry meant to add - yes the thinners were ongoing - started in about week 9 (perhaps should have started sooner), and had planned to continue until i went into labour..

IdaClair Tue 22-Jan-13 17:08:14

I'm so sorry Tayto. I have had two late mcs also. First, and third pregnancies. Second and fourth were successful however and went to term and I now have two DCs. It is hard and horrible and sucks the joy from you especially in pregnancy birth and babyhood, other peoples but also your own. Stick around here there is so much support here for us.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaytoCrisp Wed 23-Jan-13 15:40:06

Dontmix - very sorry to hear you have had 4 miscarriages - that is truely awful. I really hope you can get some support to help you through this now, even if you didn't earlier.

Ida - sorry also to hear of your dreadful experiences. And a late miscarriage during a first pregnancy must be very difficult to deal with. Your message has given me some hope that we still might have a chance of a good outcome the next time, though i don't know if we will have the strength and courage to try again..

On sick leave this week, and have spent most of the day quiet upset. The sadness is as much to do with the loss of our little boy in July as it is to do with the loss of this second little boy. I guess it is good to have a day to be emotional, i wil be busy the next few days with visitors, then back to work on Monday. It has really hit me today though...

spiderlight Wed 23-Jan-13 20:11:25

So very sorry for all you've been through sad

ImpatientOne Wed 23-Jan-13 20:18:49

So sorry Tayto and to see that you are having a particularly bad day today thanks

Also sorry to see all of the other ladies here too with similar experiences but hope that you can get some support sad

TaytoCrisp Fri 25-Jan-13 16:53:03

Thank-you very much spider and impatient for your very kind words.

Actually i felt a great lightness after spending a day by myself, even though it was emotionally upsetting, it did allow some processing..

We have three visitors from overseas for the next few days (very bad timing) and it feels so claustraphobic - i wish they weren't here - which is terrible - i feel like such a moaner, but feel like i really need some space. Oh dear, this is getting very self-centred... Im sure i will chill out and refocus in a few days..

Again, so sorry for anyone else who finds themselves on these threads..

pocketandsweet Fri 25-Jan-13 17:11:48

taytocrisp. Just wanted to send some positive feelings your way. I usually hang out the more frivolous areas of Mumsnet since I am done now with pregnancy( and it's associated stress and heartache ). I have two lovely little girls now to tuck into bed each night after 5 miscarriages and one very devastating stillbirth. Reading your message instantly takes me back to those very dark days after my son was stillborn. He was my first child and luckily although many miscarriages I managed to have my girls. I just wanted to offer some hope or send a hug. BTW my second daughter was born when I was nearly 42. For me my main problem was my cervix but I also had heparin and aspirin from 7 weeks pregnant with my second daughter . Thinking of you. Xxx

TaytoCrisp Fri 25-Jan-13 17:33:33

Pocket - thank you so much for your message. It has made me very emotional. I am so sorry to hear of your terrible losses, in particular your first little boy. You must be so strong and resilient. But thank you so much again for your message - you have really given me some hope... i will keep your message in mind for this evening, and try to be more hospitable to my visitors.. thanks

pocketandsweet Fri 25-Jan-13 17:50:47

I think when you are in the thick of dealing with these things the idea that you are "strong" would never cross your mind.... These things come only later. You are strong too and your losses are recent. I think I spent most of the year after my son died in limbo . I have no clear memory of what happened. I existed (and when by myself often would just burst into uncontrollable crying). good luck with your visitors. Other people can be very hard work- other people move on and usually have no idea what to say. I found when I did get pregnant after my son that I got very pissed off when everybody around me seemed so happy. I of course only wanted my son back and thought " Don't they realise that I will probably loose this baby too". Anyway, rambling... Lots of deep breaths as your company probably try to avoid the elephant in the room.

magoosmom Fri 25-Jan-13 17:54:39

Have no personal experience of this but want to wish you all the best in the future whatever you decide. You must feel devastated sad thinking of you x

TaytoCrisp Sat 26-Jan-13 11:34:55

Thanks again Pocket and to Magoosmom too for your very kind thoughts. I am actually very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive DH and fabulous DS, so i dont feel so alone. But i still find it so helpful to come on here for a little bit and chat to others or read of other peoples experiences. Thanks so much lovely ladies. thanks.

Babyh200 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:33:26

Tayto:
I remember reading after your first baby boy died. I just wanted to say how very, very sorry i am to here your sad news.
Sadly, another of the ladies on the 'rainbow babies thread' also lost her baby over the weekend.
Please do come over we are here to listen and support you through these dark days.
Thinking of you, take care x

Ashoething Tue 29-Jan-13 12:46:35

So sorry to hear that you have lost another wee boy-its awful. I have had 3 early losses and 3 late losses-all boys-at 24,28 and 20 weeks due to cervical incompetence and also a suspected clotting problem. I remember the horrible dark days only too well but I want to tell you not to give up hope as I now have 3 loely dcs.

All the best and feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

pocketandsweet Tue 29-Jan-13 13:12:51

ashoething if I can help pm me. I have cervical incompetence ( and also possible clotting problem).... I have had a regular stitch and also an abdominal one. If I can help at all I would be happy to. I think helping other people in similar trouble is one if the most comforting aspects of coping with the loss of my son (24 weeks)

TaytoCrisp Tue 29-Jan-13 22:42:10

babyh200, thank-you so much for your kind thoughts and words. I hope you are doing ok after the traumatic loss of your beautiful little boy a few months ago... (Big hug). I feel terribly sheepish as I disappeared from the rainbow thread when I got pregnant. I was busy at work, and tired. But also was trying not to think of pregnancy and loss - especially the very sad experiences of the lovely ladies on the rainbow babies thread. But maybe i could just come by and say hello, especially to the poor lady who recently lost another little one..

ashoething - thank you so much for your hopeful message. And my heart goes out to you too with the losses you have experienced. Obviously another very strong and resilient person on here.. I think I need to find out a little more about cervical incompetence and ask my consultant about that. I don't really understand how it is identified etc. Perhaps I can pm you and/or pocket about that. Thanks again pocket - so helpful.

Babyh200 Sat 02-Feb-13 07:17:38

Hi Tayto:
I just thought I would come back over and see how you are doing. How are you? I have been thinking about you and your little angels ((Hugs))
I understand how incredibly tough it must be for you right now.....your incredibly brave.
Please don't feel sheepish about the rainbow thread....its very much an easy come and go type of place and I don't blame you for not wanting to think about pregnancy loss when you were pregnant!!
Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to have a rainbow baby myself and I hope very much that you do too!!

For now, look after yourself xxxxx

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 09:31:44

babyh, you are so kind to think of me this week. The week has actually been ok, though really exhausting. I went back to work on monday which was really hard. Apart from my boss no-one knew I had been pregnant (even though I had just started wearing my maternity clothes, and felt I was big for 14 weeks). Im sure people suspected, but no-one said anything and I felt very isolated. So day 1 ended in tears, but things improved as the week progressed, and I mentioned it to three people - felt that really helped.

I also met a counsellor - a free service provided by trained volunteers, but I found the approach too formulaic and structured, and felt the volunteer was inexperienced and lacked counselling skills (literally, 5 minutes after I had first arrived she asked me "how did it feel" to lose our beautiful little boy at 23 weeks... Which I thought was really inappropriate as I had established no relationship at all with her, and felt she was scribbling dates of the miscarriages down on a tatty page as if she were writing a shopping list..). I'm probably quite irritable and angry at the moment anyway! I am aware it was a free service and the woman was kindly giving up her time to help, but I did feel very uncomfortable with it and think its worth looking for a professionally trained person.

It really is amazing how tired you can feel when dealing with loss (as you, and most people on here know too well). Obviously the rapid physical changes will take their toil but sadness is very draining too. I cancelled some activities this week just to get to bed early, and definitely feel I benefited from that. I Also cancelled an outing with pals "to take my mind off things", but I think it's helpful for me to come on here and try and process things when I have some time at the moment; though next week I will take up offers for the cinema or whatever - lucky to have my pals, and social support is so important. DH has also been great, and looking for a wkd break for us somewhere.. Even though he is sad too, and feels it is unfair. We don't talk about it much, but he is being very caring in his actions which I really appreciate.

So I do feel a good bit better this week than last week. And thank-you again for thinking of me. I am thinking of you too, and really hope you have a little rainbow baby... I will be thinking of you and your little angel today; and will come back and say hello to the rainbow thread ladies..thanks so much for your encouragement.thanks

Babyh200 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:48:24

Hi Tayto,
Grief is so exhausting isn't it! From what you've said you appear to be coping amazingly well. I think it's a good thing to open up to your colleagues so they understand you might not be feeling well (mentally as well as physically) if I've ever been stressed in work I find it very hard to concentrate and end up making mistakes!

Me and my DH have counselling too and I have found it a lifeline. I dont really understand how the referrals work. Can you not get referred to 'Professional' counselling from your GP if the counsellor you met was from a free service? I must admit I would have been offended by what she said too sad After our baby boy died we were referred to counselling within our local children's hospital.....they deal with both babies and children. Our counsellor is a man and he has really helped us to cope and taught us how to handle our grief! (All of the counsellors have also lost a child themselves so they truly understand what your going through) A friend of mine told me to give it a couple of sessions before I made a decision on whether to carry on so maybe if there are no other alternatives it may be worth giving her another chance??

I'm glad you have a good network of friends it's good to keep occupied if you feel up to it. I realise I've cut myself off a bit from my friends (my choice) because I felt like they could never understand how I feel..........but nor would I want them too ever experience such hell!!! Anyway, I did meet up with them last weekend and had a really good time and was glad I went I even had a slight hangover (Shame) smile

Thank you for your kind wishes for a rainbow baby it all seems like an impossible dream at the moment but I am also a very lucky mummy of 2 beautiful living children as well as my little angel and I am trying to cherish every moment with them xxx

Take each day slowly.....I hope your feeling a tiny but better each day xxx

TaytoCrisp Wed 06-Feb-13 00:16:28

Hi babyh, I'm so sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment.. I just read your message on the rainbow thread and want to give you a big hug (hug)! I'm afraid I'm an occasional lurker there at the moment as I have mixed feelings about the "conception" section just now. But I was so disappointed for you - it really time for some good news for you.. I hope you can have a good rest tonight, and maybe treat yourself a little tomorrow - you really deserve it.

Thank you for the feedback re:counselling. It sounds like it has been a great benefit to you both. I am meeting two other counsellors over the next fortnight and hope to find someone I can connect with. I have never been to counselling before but as far as I can see it cant do much harm, and will hopefully allow us a space to process things.

I suppose one of the difficulties in my experience is that after the initial conversations and phone calls from those close to you, people move on and/or afraid to ask how things are in case they cause upset.. I am fine with that sometimes, but other times it is a real relief just to chat a little about what has happened.. counselling should be helpful to allow space for that.

I am lucky to have friends around, though my old friends are far away - at least we can chat by phone. Though like you I sometimes prefer to go into to my shell and am lazy about arrangements... I can only try to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to socialise and meet up with people after the traumatic late loss of your little one - it would be impossible for them to understand how you felt, even though im sure they were/are very sympathetic. I too can only imagine the grief of losing a little baby so late on in pregnacy... But I'm so glad you had a good night out last wkd; and even had a hangover :-) - its probably time you had one!

Anyway, just a note to say I'm sending all my positive thoughts in your direction for a little rainbow... Hopefully spring will bring some good news.

Not sure what we will do about our little family in the future; I am very fortunate to have our beautiful little lady who is full of joy - maybe that is just fine for us... We'll see...

literaryone Wed 06-Feb-13 05:25:20

I'm so very sorry for this loss and the previous one, Tayto. Wishing you healing. I don't really know what else to say. I've had one late loss (19 weeks) in my only pregnancy and am still reeling from it. Am glad you have found some sympathy and understanding on Mumsnet and hope you can find a counsellor who works for you. Mine is a huge support.

TaytoCrisp Wed 06-Feb-13 23:53:32

Thank-you literary. Everyone is so kind and understanding on here..

I am terribly sorry to read of the loss of your little one. It must be so hard experiencing this during your first pregnancy..I hope you are ok and that you have good support in addition to the counselling. I also hope you get helpful advise from your consultant / dr. Sending you a big hug (and hope for the future). xxx.

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