A Christmas hand-holding thread for all who have suffered losses or are waiting

(36 Posts)
spiderlight Mon 24-Dec-12 19:05:19

Just that, really....I'm trying to be Christmassy for my DS, but all the while I'm thinking 'this time last week....' and dreading going to stay with the in-laws on Thursday. We'd planned to tell them about the baby by making a card with a scan pic wearing a Santa hat sad

Back2Two Mon 24-Dec-12 19:05:46

sad xx

Helish Mon 24-Dec-12 19:59:24

I'm just home from an emergency erpc in the early hours of this morning. I was 12 weeks and like you looking forward to telling family over Xmas instead having to make heartbreaking calls while trying to keep things normal for dc. It's horrendous isn't it.

lj123 Mon 24-Dec-12 20:05:16

Recently lost my baby due to it being ectopic, a friend has just told me she is expecting and her due date is July, mine would have been too hmm the 13th!
All I want for christmas is a bit of luck and a baby next year.
RIP baby.Taylor, miss you soooo much.
I'm sorry to hear about all your losses too! Roll on 2013! Xxxx

ShortyNTS Mon 24-Dec-12 22:19:22

I'm should be happy, it's my 5 month old LG first Christmas, but I am struggling to come to terms with what I have done. My coil failed and we found we were expecting another baby which would of been due in July. My OH decided he was not ready for another, with our first still so young so agreed to terminate. However I broke down at the last minute as it was not what I wanted to do, but still ended up going through with it. My OH is carrying on like normal, and I feel so hurt and lost, and it's my own fault

AlreadyScone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:23:55

Oh Shorty you cannot possibly carry all that alone, there will have been many many factors contributing to the termination. So sorry.

qazxc Mon 24-Dec-12 22:30:00

I've had 2 mc this year. and a BFN this morning so am not coping very well. am fluctuating between being miserable or really angry or jealous about people with babies. Hopefully we'll have better luck next year.

Quodlibet Tue 25-Dec-12 05:20:48

I am reeling from news at our 12 wk scan yesterday that all that is there is a yolk sac. Told to wait and see over Xmas and come back in a week but I knew it was over immediately. Can't stand this horrible limbo land - like others we were planning on sharing news today.

It must be so hard to keep yourself together those of you who have small children. I am at in laws and am managing about an hour of social jolliness at a time before having to come to bed to cry. Absolutely dreading today.

Sorry to everyone who is going through the same thing.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Tue 25-Dec-12 11:30:50

Mmc discovered last week. Hiding in the bathroom in tears. Due at mil for dinner. Bleeding so heavily I can't see how to get dressed. Worse last weekend was the edd of my first mc pg. so when I should have a new baby I'm mc again. Heart broken. No idea how to get thru today, esp as I can't even see a way to getting dressed.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Tue 25-Dec-12 11:33:01

And spiderlight thank you for the thread. I'm really grateful to have somewhere to post.

And ladies, I'm sorry.

Quodlibet Tue 25-Dec-12 15:00:21

Mytimewillcome sorry for you losses. That is horribly cruel. Taking it one hour at a time is the only way I am coping.
Had my own getting dressed meltdown earlier over fat bulging tummy in tights when tummy has no rights being fat or bulgy because there is NOTHING THE FUCK IN THERE. Unspeakable rage.

Have successfully negotiated breakfast and presents without dissolving, just hiding upstairs girding myself for lunch. One thing at a time.

lavender39 Tue 25-Dec-12 16:05:43

Also feeling it today...miscarried at 8-10 weeks last sunday....was going to be so happy, this was a 3rd longed for child...but wasnt to be. Im grateful to have my 2 girls with me....but cant help feeling sad for the little one i never got to meet.

Sorry for everyones losses on here, and may 2013 be a year for smiles

WeAreBorg Wed 26-Dec-12 00:25:51

Sorry to all of you, this is really not the thread I wanted to be on today. I had a miscarriage yesterday at 10 weeks. Boobs were still sore until just this morning, I still felt pregnant even after it had all gone and just can't believe it has happened.
Quod I must admit you made me giggle a bit with your rant about your fat tummy. I had exactly the same rant this morning when I couldn't do my jeans up.
I think I am in denial, have managed to host Christmas dinner today and did alright, I'll probably have some big embarrassing melt down in asda or something

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Wed 26-Dec-12 09:58:26

Borg - I'm wondering when my meltdown will come too. I had thought it may be at dinner with my mil an in laws but luckily DS was so over excited that I could leave the table without it being obvious.

I came home last might and I felt so relieved that Christmas itself was over. The only good thing is that DP has been off work. Ive been a bit grumpy with him over the last few weeks and was moaning away to the extent that someone asked what I got out of the relationship ( nb my hormones have been fecked for a while - mmc). Anyway I have my answer which isn't romantic or exciting - but when I'm so beaten by life that I can't bear to talk to anyone, he's the person I want to talk to and be around.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Wed 26-Dec-12 10:03:18

Posted too soon. Quod - thank you.

spiderlight Wed 26-Dec-12 10:54:41

So sorry for all of you sad

Jilly12012 Wed 26-Dec-12 11:45:46

I went for my 12 week scan on Christmas eve hoping to announce it on Christmas Day, I was told there was no heart beat... I was booked in for a d & c on Friday but have spent to days in pain naturally miscarrying... This is the worst Christmas ever, I just want it back... I managed to put on a brave face yesterday but today I feel angry and at a loss... So sorry for everyone on here x

Quodlibet Wed 26-Dec-12 13:48:04

Jilly sorry for your loss too. Don't feel you have to be brave. Angry is an understandable reaction to this horribly cruel trick nature has played on us all. Having Xmas over and done with feels like at least a small relief for me. Be kind to yourself first and foremost.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Wed 26-Dec-12 16:06:15

Quod - you're very eloquent. I tried to answer Jilly, as I've found myself to feel very angry but I couldn't say what I meant. You've done it very nicely, thank you. X

BoyMeetsWorld Thu 27-Dec-12 21:55:03

Quod - yes to the no right to fat bulginess. I'm so feeling that too. Prob doesn't help that I've eaten like a piggy to cope with MMC and ERPC last week hmm I do keep feeling so sad thinking we were meant to have a baby by this time next year. Now, due to already having one Chrimbo LO & can't afford 2, it will have to be 2014 at earliest now...& that's if things go right. I have a bleak conviction that I'll be one of the many who have multiple mcs. Thoughts with all of you. They don't teach this stuff in school do they :s

ninjasquirrel Fri 28-Dec-12 11:21:02

Hello everyone. I had a scan on the 11th that found there was no heartbeat, so on the 13th when I was supposed to be having a 12 week scan I was at home taking the miscarriage pills. In the week up to Boxing Day I felt so ill and tired with a cold that I was distracted from feeling sad but now I don't feel ill any more and it's just rubbish. I don't know what to do about my job now, and we're going to have a massive gap with DS who is already 3.4 and it's all my fault because I didn't want to start trying with no job security so we left it too late... aargh. Hugs to everyone who's had awful Christmases.

Quodlibet Fri 28-Dec-12 11:47:58

It is rubbish isn't it Ninja, and so hard not to feel overwhelmed by all the other things in life, I feel exactly the same and am dreading having to tackle my work (I am self employed so can't take time off, but just don't know where I am going to find the motivation). It isn't helpful to beat yourself up for decisions you've made in the past that now haven't come good - you did what you thought was best at the time, and adding unhelpful retrospective guilt to the equation now isn't kind to yourself.

diyqueen Fri 28-Dec-12 12:45:11

So sorry for everyone else going through this at the moment too. I started miscarrying on the 14th dec and it's still going on, spent most of Christmas Eve in hospital with a suspected ectopic (thank heavens it's not) and have arms like pincushions from all the blood tests. we spent most of the day in hospital yesterday too just waiting round to see people and for more blood tests and to be scanned, my little girl has spent far too much time either in hospital waiting rooms or screaming as I've disappeared. It's been. so hard being sociable over Christmas, I'm just so tired and so sad. My little girl is keeping me going and I feel even luckier to have her than ever, but at the same time she's waking 2-3 times a night and is v clingy, I think she knows something is wrong. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I've felt angry too and know exactly what you mean, it's so cruel. Takes us ages to conceive so quite depressed at going back to square one again while all my friends are popping out siblings.

trustissues75 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:25:01

It's horrible and I'm sorry for us all. I was 9 weeks and had a sudden massive bleed on the 23rd - was up North visiting family who didn't know, DP wasn't arriving till 48 hours later and the hospital were shit....not that the hospital here in the midlands is much better...I'm still bleeding and having to wait till Monday for a Dr's appointment...apparently they're the gatekeeper to the EPU. I have to go to my MILs birthday party on Tuesday - they didn't know I was pregnant either and honestly, I don't want to go. This was my last chance at being a mum - total accident, DP doesn't want kids - and I didn''t realise how much I wanted another child until I realised this one wasn't going to be. Now I'm just miserable and can hardly look DP in the eye because I know I'm devastated and he's not.

trustissues75 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:29:57

Shorty - I'm so sorry for you too. I was facing that decision in January - he was adamant the only way was termination. Be very very kind to yourself. x

MonthlyWishesCameTrue Sun 30-Dec-12 13:09:14

Hi all thanks for the thread, actively miscarrying at the moment, was due back at the hospital this evening to start medical management but started bleeding last night. Had thought over Christmas that pregnancy was going to last. Feel like I have missed Christmas completely this year and the same with new year. We are spending the next few days ( me and DH) just holed up at home with no visitors. Told dm my very brief and factual phone call and brothers my Facebook message and told them we would be out of contact. I suppose we are lucky in a way that we do not have children and have to be a give and exited for them around Christmas, can't imagine doing this whilst having to look after anyone.

Quodlibet Sun 30-Dec-12 16:32:22

Sorry to hear that Monthly. I empathise completely with the feeling that you need a break to get over the Xmas break, like everyone on this thread ours has been incredibly stressful. Hope you and DH get to spend some quiet time together to recovering and being kind to yourselves.

MonthlyWishesCameTrue Sun 30-Dec-12 19:27:03

Thanks quod didn't expect to feel so ill with it.
Had a lucky escape from long term visitor today. DH texted Dmil to tell her as she knew about pregnancy. Had a missed call then nothing and then 2 hours later a text saying she'll be there in 2 hours! She lives 2 hours away. She said she had a car full of food and was coming up to look after us. DH managed to convince her that the best thing was just to be on our own for a few days and I was doing nothing except being in bed and going to the bathroom.
I know her intentions where really good so I'm ok with her wanting to come up. She did ask DH if I was going to be "washed out" as she had 3 miscarriages 30-40 years ago and what sounds like surgical management was stand treatment back then, the theory being that it prevented infections

spiderlight Tue 01-Jan-13 15:09:40

i survived four days with the in-laws, primarily by coming down with flu as soon as we got there and hiding in the bedroom/behind a book most of the time. Our lovely little toddler niece attached herself to me and MIL kept saying that she could just see me with a little girl - so hard not to say anything, but I couldn't ruin their Christmas. Got home to discover that I've missed my scan because the letter arrived on Friday for an appointment the same day and we were away until Sunday, so I'll have to ring tomorrow and hope they'll rebook it or say I don't need it. The one good thing is that the bleeding has totally stopped. Am feeling lousy with flu though and have had a 40-degree fever for three days. Never felt so ill in my life as I did yesterday. I'd be worried about infected retained products, but DH has the same thing so it's probably just a coincidence.

So sorry, MonthlyWishes sad

spiderlight Tue 01-Jan-13 15:09:48

i survived four days with the in-laws, primarily by coming down with flu as soon as we got there and hiding in the bedroom/behind a book most of the time. Our lovely little toddler niece attached herself to me and MIL kept saying that she could just see me with a little girl - so hard not to say anything, but I couldn't ruin their Christmas. Got home to discover that I've missed my scan because the letter arrived on Friday for an appointment the same day and we were away until Sunday, so I'll have to ring tomorrow and hope they'll rebook it or say I don't need it. The one good thing is that the bleeding has totally stopped. Am feeling lousy with flu though and have had a 40-degree fever for three days. Never felt so ill in my life as I did yesterday. I'd be worried about infected retained products, but DH has the same thing so it's probably just a coincidence.

So sorry, MonthlyWishes sad

Carolinewilliams Tue 01-Jan-13 16:27:41

Hi, sorry to hear of all your losses. I too am currently going through a miscarriage, at 10 weeks, after 3 horrific weeks of waiting to see if my baby would grow. I've had no interest in Christmas or new year and glad it's all over and I don't feel like I have to put a brave face on anymore. This was our first baby and we were so excited to find out we were pregnant. I'm struggling with the miscarriage - physically the pain is horrific (mainly in the evening, don't know if this is normal or not?)and the loss of blood and clots is so upsetting- and emotionally I can't quite come to terms with it. I'm convincing myself that my scan in two days will show a heartbeat - such an awful thing. So sorry for you all. Hope that 2013 brings you all healthy pregnancies xxx

spiderlight Wed 02-Jan-13 17:29:05

I had all my pain in the evenings as well. My GP said it's quite common. Prescription co-codamol and ibuprofen helped, as did hot wheat bags and TENS, but it was still awful. So sorry you're going through it as well sad

MonthlyWishesCameTrue Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:29

EPU here have given me an appointment next week for further hcg tests just to check everything has finished. Going to go tomorrow for what would have been routine pregnancy appointment to get signed off work until end of next week.

Spider, if you still have a temperature and severe pain, worth checking out just in case it is an infection?

Caroline I can't imagine waiting three weeks. For me it all happened fairly quickly, even though I thought things weren't good as digital tests never went up. I started bleeding the same day I had my scan so didn't have to wait for follow up to see if things were improving or not. Hope you're ok

JBrd Fri 04-Jan-13 01:07:04

Sorry to hear about all your losses. I'm also currently going through miscarriage, would've been 10 weeks yesterday. It's been such a rollercoaster, and I feel completely drained, both physically and emotionally.
I started bleeding heavily on Dec 16, passing clots and all, and had a scan at the EPU a couple of days later, when they saw an empty sac.
However, my hCG levels from the 2 subsequent blood tests went up instead of down, so they asked me back for another scan on the 24th, we had to cancel all our Christmas travel plans - and to my utter surprise found a heartbeat! I was gobsmacked and dumbfounded... But worried at the same time because I was measuring more than 2 weeks smaller than I should've been (and I was very sure about my dates).

However, around NYE, I had started to become a bit more positive that this might all have a good outcome, started making plans again etc. The bleeding had also stopped - when on Tuesday evening I suddenly passed a huge lump of tissue, followed by a smaller one on Wednesday morning. I took them to EPU, where they confirmed my fears - it was pregnancy tissue, and I am miscarrying after all.
The EPU will not do anything else, no scan, no blood test, as everything seems to take a natural course. They were concerned about risk of infection, though, so I am now on antibiotics. I am to do a pregnancy test in 3 weeks, and that's it.

I am lucky in that the physical side of it has not affected me too much so far, the bleeding is manageable, and so is the pain, but I'm struggling emotionally... I have a DS, and during that pregnancy I worried so much about mc. This time round I was very naive to assume that all would be OK, just because it went well before.
I feel so tired and drained, could sleep all the time.

spiderlight Mon 07-Jan-13 13:51:04

So sorry, JBrd - what a rollercoaster sad

MonthlyWishesCameAndWent Tue 08-Jan-13 20:42:07

jbrd sounds like you've had a horrible time. I'm so sorry.
I feel fairly lucky that my mc was fairly simple and straight forward. Knew onthe Friday something was wrong, scanned Saturday and started loosing naturally on Saturday. I can't imagine what you went through with the relief and hope of when you saw the heart beat.

It sound like epu vary a lot. I'm not sure if I'm going back for a blood test because its usual practice or I was seen out of hours and didn't have the usual advice given etc from epu

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