dealing with emotions after m/c when friends give birth

[gruffalomum]

I had a m/c on 31st May, my first. The pregnancy was very much wanted and planned as a sibling for DD now 17mo. Thankfully the m/c was straightforward and fairly early (nearly 8 weeks) but it was still devastating.

I have several very close and dear friends who have just had or are about to have new babies and I wondered if anyone has any advice on how to handle the conflicting emotions that I am feeling?

I am so happy for my friends but so sad for DH, DD and me at the same time. I have burst into tears each time I get the news of another new baby and I even feel jealous which is selfish and horrible of me.

I need to go shopping for lovely baby presesnts - usually something I enjoy but I am dreading it this time around. And don't get me started on the first visits to see the babies...

It would be great to hear how you have all dealt with this and whether these feelings subside with time.

Thank you in advance.

[KaraTrace]

I am so sorry to hear of your mc. It is still very recent so it is no surprise that you are finding it so hard.
I had a mc in Dec and am now finding it hard that next month would have been my due date and I am not pregnant again and practically everyone I know from when I had my DD (3) has had or is about to have #2.
I have good and bad days, I no longer feel jealous but I do still feel very sad.
It is very fresh, you need time to deal with what you are going through, physically and emotionally. It does get better I promise, you will still be sad but you will be able to mask it better.
Do these friends know what you are going through? I actually find it easier with people who don't know, in reality people are all caught up in their happiness, which is just as it should be when you are pregnant or have a newborn.
Be kind to yourself and if you don't fancy seeing newborns just yet don't push yourself, if they are good friends they will understand.
Sorry you are going through this.

[gruffalomum]

Thank you so much KaraTrace

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are coping amazingly well, its good to know that it does get easier with time.

We haven't told these friends - we didn't have the chance to tell them about the pregnancy before the m/c and it just seemed mean when they were so happy. As you say its right for them to be only focused on their happiness - this is why I feel guilty for not being able to put my emotions to one side and just enjoy their baby with them.

Are you still ttc at the moment? I really hope that everything works out for you soon. Thanks again for posting, take care

[MsJL]

Hi there gruffalomum I'm so sorry for your loss. It's terribly recent and must feel very raw.

I don't know what I can say to make it easier. I have lost four babies in the last 18 months and know exactly how you feel. One of my closest friends is due to have her baby today and I shall be brutally honest in that I am hugely jealous. Happily I bought her a babygro before I learned of my most recent miscarriage but I did 'make myself' buy her a present two days after I found out I lost my most recent baby. I took a deep breath and feel really pleased that I had bought her another gift - I'm not saying that to be arrogant - it just made me feel nice.

I really am not making light of your sad loss to advise you to take comfort in your lovely little family. I have no DC and have lost all hope but I'm sure that will have another addition to your family before long.

Am sending you love. Get shopping - make it as easy on yourself as you can...either online and order a few gifts at once or hit the high street make sure you buy a totally unnecessary gift for yourself too. You deserve it! x

[gruffalomum]

Hi MsJL

I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine your pain. I hope my insensitive post didn't add to it at all. It was really kind of you to reply.

Definitely don't think you are making light of things to say to take comfort in my family I think I lost sight of that today when news of this latest baby arrived (particularly as my friend has used the names I had been hoping to use...) Thank you for reminding me of how lucky I already am.

I am so sorry that you have lost all hope...are you still ttc?

Thank you also for the love, sending lots right back to you. The shopping advice is great, thank you, I will just get on with it and not think about it too much.

You sound amazingly strong and I wish you so much luck, xxxx

[MsJL]

I am not amazingly strong!! I lay in bed for three hours after work last night just sobbing.

You haven't been insensitive at all. One loss is a terrible thing to have gone through and I really feel the pain for you and your DH.

I haven't told this friend about the two mc's since she became pregnant. It just seemed unfair of me. I think it's hard to think that life is going on for other people when your world seems to have come to a standstill.

Don't think I can get my head around ttc again just now but I know in my heart that I'm not quite ready to give up totally. Good luck over the coming months. x

[ljg72]

So sorry for your loss...
I can relate to how you are feeling, I had a mc on the 21st of May, I was only 6 weeks, but like you it was planned and very much wanted.
My brothers little boy was born days before, and I was so pleased for them...but part of me was dreading seeing him...sounds very selfish I know, but that was how I felt.
It was lovely to see, hold and cuddle Theo, but I did find it so very hard putting on my happy face!, and basically came home a sobbed...Hoping it will get easier as the other ladies have said.
Thats the hardest thing though...when you get a BFP you mentally start mapping out a whole new life...with a new baby in it!...and then within a few days it can be all over...
Sorry I'm not much help!...take care of yourself...hugs xx

[KaraTrace]

gruffalomum I am not sure whether I would tell your friends if I were you, people seem to be sad that it happened but then not understand when you are not excited about talking about pregnancy stuff or new babies about 2 seconds later & I found that REALLY hard to deal with. Only you will know if you want to share your sad news.
I don't find other peoples babies make me sad because they are not mine and I feel nothing for them, IYKWIM. It is the pregnancy bit I find the hardest.
I am trying, I have a medical condition that means my body takes a long time, and needs drugs, to get back to normal post any pregnancy. 6 months down the line I think my body is only just getting over the mc - it is driving me nuts, that and DD asking for a bloody baby all the time, she had me in tears this morning and that makes me feel like a shit mum on top of things. Sorry am on CD1 and feeling pretty fragile.

MsJL I am so sorry for your losses, and I want to wish you luck in TTC x

[gruffalomum]

Thank you all so much for your support.

ljg79 I am sorry for your loss - I have seen you on a few other threads, your mc was just a week before mine. Your post was a graet help, honestly, its so comforting to be reminded that I am not the only one. I totally understand what you mean about the whole new life planned in your head. DH is fantastic but doesn't quite get that bit - the most recent baby born to friends has been given the names I had "chosen" for a girl. DH can't understand why that is upseting me, and I know he is right and rational but I just can't seem to be very rational at the moment.

MsJL I am sending you huge hugs, you have had such a lot to deal with, its no wonder you have some wobbly moments. But I think you are amazingly strong, for example to even go to work at all! If you do get to the right place to try again or if you find another path I really wish you love and happiness.

KaraTrace I think you are right, I don't wnat to tell them. It should be a happy time for them without any unecessary sadness. I think its a very hard thing to empathise with until you have been through it. I now realise how I might have inadvertantly upset friends or colleagues while pregnant myself without even knowing they had mc. It sounds like you are having a much tougher time than me, it must be very hard to keep it all together. I am sure you are a fantastic mum, DD has me in tears sometimes and I have no real reasons unlike you. It doesn't make you a bad mum it makes you human and sad at the moment. CD1 also sucks,have you got chocolate to hand?! I don't know if you have already done this or if it is irrelevant so apologies if it is inappropriate but I have just gone back to try acupuncture to help balance me again for ttc. I am sure it helped when ttc DD, I didn't have a condition like yours but was in a very stressful job which I am sure delayed conception. Just a thought, sorry for interfering.

Ladies, thank you all again,I wish you all lots of luck and much happiness in the future. We should keep in touch and support each other. I find the general ttc threads a bit overwhelming so something a bit gentler would really suit me, what do you think?
Thank you again for your help today, X

[ljg72]

yess gruffalomum!!...great idea! I would love to be on your shiny new thread xx

[KaraTrace]

I had acupuncture when pregnant with DD as I had a bad back and postnatally because of more pain, & I have been thinking about it this time. The worst thing is we are in the middle if a protracted house sale which is also stressing me out, feels like I am failing at everything right now. So thank you for your suggestion I am going to investigate.
Would love to join a new thread.
Hope today is better for everyone xxx
CD2 for me so already things are looking up

[KaraTrace]

Also, must be hard that a newborn has the name you would have chosen, I would find that hard too.
I think not telling people helps me to be ok on the outside, also means people can't say stupid things that they think might help.

[FessaEst]

gruffalomum - really sorry to hear about your loss. I just wanted to say that after my ectopic I had a lot of feelings I couldn't be proud of towards my friends who were seemingly getting pregnant and having babies with no problems. It does get easier. The feeling of loss will never go - I remember that baby every day, but the jealous feelings do subside a bit. As a PP said, it is not their baby you want. Please be gentle with yourself, give yourself time, acknowlege and accept your feelings as they are valid and reasonable. My DH never, ever understood my feelings but did his best to support me while I had them. I had to accept that he wasn't feeling as I did, but they are not subject to the same hormones. Remeber you are going through a physical as well as emotional process. HTH.

[mollycuddles]

When I had a mc I was surprised how devestated I was and for how long. Hope everyone here finds peace. I have just had my own newborn. Good luck to you all.