6 miscarriages and 1 baby - How do I cope?

[bev2102]

I had my first miscarriage in 2008 and then a week after fell pregnant with my son and his twin (I lost his twin).
My son was born in Nov 2008 and is a gorgeous little man who I feel blessed to have.
We have been trying for another baby and have had 4 miscarriages in a row (last one was just last week).
I know I should be happy and grateful (which I am) to just have the one baby but I am desperate for him not to be an only child like his daddy.
At the moment I feel useless, like it's my fault (even though I know logically it's not) because it's my body that's losing these babies.
The miscarriages have ranged from the earliest at 6weeks and the latest 14weeks gestation.
Will I ever have another baby?
How do I cope with the huge sense of loss?
How long should I leave it before I try again? My dr says it's ok to try straight away - do you think she's right?
Please help.
Is there anyone else out there who's had a similar experience and gone on to have another baby? I just need to know I'm not alone!

[sotough]

hi there, you're not alone. I have one lovely son, who is almost three, and we've been trying for another baby for two years now. I've had four miscarriages in a row. we didn't have any problems before my son was born and had no reason to think anything like this would happen. we're desperate to give our son a sibling (i actually wanted three children but if i manage two that will seem a miracle at this point) and it's been an incredibly tough time.
what tests have you had? are you with a recurrent miscarriage clinic now? 14 weeks gestation is relatively late - did they do any tissue testing on that loss?
you don't say how old you are, but you have proven your fertility by having your son - your body can do this!
i know only too well how hard it is to go on believing. i posted a similiar despairing message myself only a few days ago. but there are some wonderful inspiring stories on this board - one woman had TEN miscarriages, then went on to have three healthy children. she never found out why she had so many losses. if your doctor says it's okay to try again now, then i'm sure it is, but if i were you i'd want to make sure i've had every test under the sun before your next attempt.

[huffythethreadslayer]

I admire the courage of both of you ladies. I had 3 before dd, so had partly given up on hoping for any kids at all. When dd came along I knew I'd want another. We had one more miscarriage after the girl and I figured that was enough.

I balanced the need for more kids against the misery losing a baby involved and I decided to stop trying. I decided to enjoy what I'd got and it was like someone had lifted a weight from my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong.... I have regrets at times, but they're usually few and far between.

Whatever you decide to do, keep trying or stick at one, I wish you luck with your future.

I'm sorry for your losses...

[Loubilou09]

Bev2102 I am so sorry for your losses, it is bloody cruel and so not fair....I am at a similar position as you and I am also 40 now so time is running out and I really do not know what to do or where to turn.I had a mmc at 12 weeks 10 years ago, followed by the birth of my beatiful daughter 7 years ago. For three years my husband and I didn't really try for a sibling but then decided to give it a shot and I of course assumed everything would be fine as my daughter had been so easy to conceive and carry. I then had two miscarriages quite early and looked into recurrent miscarriage clinic but doctor at the time basically told me that as I had my daughter it was just one of those things and it was up to me whether I wanted tested. I decided that I didn't want to put myself and my husband through loads of tests and firmly believed in what is mean't to be will be. I fell pregnant again in 2008 and had problems from 12 weeks basically I had a subchorinic haemotoma which is a blood clot behind the placenta, the clot got bigger and bigger and eventually caused my waters to break and my placenta to fail and I gave birth to my sleeping son at 23 weeks. This was life threatening for me and I very nearly lost my life. Although my husband and I tried nothing happened for another two years and on reflection I think we both needed to heal from the trauma of losing William. I resigned myself to not having any more, I was 40 in March and decided to get on with my life and fully accept that I would have only one child and much to my surprise I fell pregnant a few days after my 40th. I miscarried again at 12.2 weeks last Tuesday and at the moment am very raw and bloody angry with life. I do not know what to do and am due to go back and see my consultant on the 28th June, I have some of my own theories and if nothing else I am going to investigate them further just for peace of mind. Lots of love to you X

[Dozer]

So sorry for your losses ladies.

I have a lovely two-year-old daughter, but after having her had four early miscarriages in 2008/09. I had the recurrent miscarriage tests done at St Mary's in London and they found a possible issue (weedy ovary!) but no definite cause. Was prescribed progesterone and low-dose heparin, also had early scans, and am now 26 weeks pregnant.

It has been a difficult, strange time, not knowing if could have more children, feeling bad for not feeling grateful enough for the one I have, guilty that my body wasn't working properly etc. Have had counselling and still go every few weeks, which has been really helpful.

Am still anxious, but hopeful.

Sadly, secondary infertility and problems are more common than is reported, and doctors don't always take it seriously (e.g. "should be OK/no need for testing as you've had a successful pregnancy").

Really hope that there are good things ahead for you all.

[PinkTeddyBear]

This is my 1st post here but I wanted to post as I am in the same situation as well. I am sorry for everyone's losses.

I have a beautiful dd born in 2006. Before her I had 2 mc and after 4 mc. When I had her I thought that the pain of the losses would go away but it hasn't.

Now I have multiple friends/ family who are all who have their 2nd/ 3rd. All except me. I also feel like it's my fault. Why does my body not work like everyone else's?

My dh and I will have been married for 9 years this year and all that time we have been trying for babies.

Kind thoughts to everyone.

[kittywise]

Well I don't know if my situation counts. I have 6 children but have had at least 6 miscarriages. I had some that were three in a row. It was horrible but I just kept going.

Good luck to you

[justbeme]

Sorry for everyone's losses.

Just to give you hope - Im nearly 42 and hoping to give birth in the next 24hrs or so - I had a DD and then 4 mc's and then another DD and then another 2 mcs. No reason found, just one of "those things". and I keep being told that Im not too old to be having this third baby - so there really is time...... Double baby aspirin worked for dd2 and this baby ( but I did MC once on it ) - funnily enough the earliest MC was when I had to inject clexane. I refused to do it with this pregnancy as is was so horrible. I take my hat of to anyone who can inject themselves for 8mths.

I think I didn't have high expectations in the end, so when it did work I was over the moon! Good Luck

[DrNortherner]

I would so try to stop stressing. Marvel in the one child you do have, drink in every moment. Life is tough enough, we spend enough time worrying about the kids we have without worrying about the kids we don't have.

You have been blessed with motherhood.

[sotough]

i understand your point DrNortherner but don't totally agree with you - though if you are a recurrent miscarrier with no children i understand that from your perspective, to have one child would seem a miracle and a huge blessing and that you would be more than happy to settle for that. all the same it's about the expectations you start out with: if you always planned to have a big family it can be hard to come to terms with "only" having one child, or even "only" having two. it's quite impossible to "stop stressing" for anyone who goes through miscarriage after miscarriage and is desperate for a child - the process comes to dominate your life, your body, your relationships. as long as there is reasonable hope of fulfilling the dream it's hard for anyone who feels strongly that they want children to just set that dream aside and be happy with what they've got. i think that process can only really start when the hoping ends.

[bev2102]

Sotough;
I'm 33 now so guess I'm now classed as an older mum!
I went to my dr each time but they just did a pregnancy test a week or two later to confirm the loss but never any testing. I did have an immunology blood test after the 3rd consecutive loss and thankfully that was normal. Dr mentioned seeing a gynaecologist but not heard anything yet!
I'm feeling such a failure at this point although my partner is so amazingly supportive.
I wish you all the best for your next child. Two years is such a long time. I really hope it happens for you soon xxx.

[bev2102]

To huffythethreadslayer;
I know what you mean about being greatful for what you have. I wanted 4 children but at this stage would be contented with 2. I'm just so desperate for my little man not to be an only child as his daddy had such an awful childhood being an only one and was so lonely. I don't want him to go through what his daddy did, rather what I did ie have a sibling to share everything with. I hated my sister at times but at the sametime loved her with all my heart.

[bev2102]

Loubilou;
Oh my that's so sad. I was feeling so down but now I feel almost lucky. A miscarriage relatively early on is bad enough but I can only imagine the trauma and heartbreak you must have suffered losing your precious angel, William. I'm sure he's looking down on you and trying to keep you strong.
I don't know whether to push for more tests or not as drs aren't always right. After all at 17 years old they told me (due to gynae problems) that I'd never have children so have a hysterectomy, which I fought hard against. I'm so glad I did now as my little boy is such a joy and I want to give him everything possible, esp a sibling to play with. I think I'll stop actively trying for a baby but also not protect against pregnancy, that way fate can decide for now. If that fails then I'll give myself 6 months break and try again.
I wish you all the luck in the future for a safe pregnancy and delivery. You'll be in my thoughts, as will all of you that are so desperate for the heart-warming joy that only a baby can bring.
Good luck and God bless you xxx

[bev2102]

Dozer;
Congratulations!
I hope everything continues well for you. Let me know when little one arrives safely.
xxx

[bev2102]

Pinkteddybear;
I think it's made worse when friends and family go on to have their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or even more. When you're so desperate for a baby or when you're still raw from your losses it seems like newborn babies are everywhere and the sight of them makes it so much harder to bear.
I was shopping the other week when a youngish woman walked past me screaming at her children. What was worse was what she shouted. Her child asked to go to the toilet and she screamed at him and his 3 siblings (the child was approx. 3 yrs old and others ranged from newborn to about 5 yrs old) 'you lot are doing my fing head in. You always want something. Especially you you little fing b**d, you're a f**ing pschitzo!)!!!!!
It makes it even harder to know that people like that breed like rabbits and people who care about children and appreciate them struggle so much to have babies.
Sometimes life seems so unjust. Having children is a PRIVILEDGE not a right!

I wish you all the best for the future and hope everything works out for you very soon xxx.

[bev2102]

Kittywise;
Just had to say, of course you're situation counts! Even if you had 20 children and 1 miscarriage, you still understand the feelings that come with the loss. I'm pleased that you've gone on to have 6 precious babies x

[bev2102]

Justbeme;
Firstly congratulations and good luck for the birth. I hope you have a safe delivery and recover quickly. Please let me know how you get on x
Also I know what you mean about injecting yourself. I had to have daily bloodthinning injections from 8 weeks as I've had a previous DVT and PE (blood clots). I managed to inject myself without incident for 6 weeks, then one day just froze! I don't know why. After that my partner injected me every day (although I'm sure it hurt him alot more than it hurt me!).
Once again good luck and best wishes xxx

[bev2102]

Drnortherner and Sotough;

I have to agree verbatum with what Sotough replied to your post Drnortherner.
I know how blessed I am to have my little boy, he really is a little angel and brings such joy to my heart. Because I love him so much and only want what's best for him is part of the reason I am so desperate for another child. I so want him to have a sibling to love (and sometimes hate....!) and learn the values of life with.
I really do understand your point but agree with Sotough. It's so hard esp when there seems to be beautiful newborns everywhere I go!

[PandaEis]

hi,

i am in a similar situation...

im 28 and my gorgeous DD is 4.5yo and i had a MC before her at 14 weeks in 2002. since september 07 me and DH have been TTC and i have had 5 consecutive early MC's in my case i have a form of APS so my blood clots strangely causing my body to MC. i take low dose asprin daily for this as i also have rhumatoid and osteo-arthritis and my disorder makes this worse i am currently on a TTC break and funnily enough AF was due nearly 2 weeks ago and i am scared to test imagine that!! recurrent MC does that to you i suppose my last MC was in january and i still feel raw from it this one affected me more than the others i think because i had gotten further than the previous early MCs

i understand the feeling of failure too. i never thought i would have to say i have had 6 MCs. i always wanted a big family and i dont know what is worse...the feeling of failure (to provide a sibling for my DD/more children for DH) or the knowledge that i am able to fall pregnant relatively easily but i seem to fall at the first post

i think they tie head to head most of the time

[bev2102]

Pandaeis

Do you have a test in the house? If so do it but convince yourself it's negative and anything else is a bonus x.

I'm in a bit of a quandry as I've just done a test to confirm complete MC but it's come out with a feint second line. After all other MCs the line had gone a few days after I stopped losing but this is just over a week now!

I don't know what to think! Does it mean I still have pregnancy hormones but am not pregnant anymore? Does it mean the test was somehow faulty? Or by some miracle does it mean there's a possibility that I'm still pregnant?

I don't know what to think!

[huffythethreadslayer]

Pandaeis, get that test out. It's best to know so you can deal with things proactively. Bev, I'd go to the doctors if you think there's any chance you might still be pregnant. It's easy to feel like you're being neurotic when you've gone through fertility issues as we have. You're not. And more than anyone else, you deserve to get reassurance whenever and wherever you can.

I'm lucky in some ways. I've done my readjustment to having just one, not because I wanted to but because I've had to. I'm 45 now and way too old to be trying for a second child so I either gnash my teeth about things and make myself and my (little) family miserable along with me or I deal with it. Not a week goes by where I don't tell my lovely girl how precious she is to me.

I agree Bev that some people don't appreciate what they have and how lucky they are. I'm one of 6 children and my mother HATED kids. I've got nieces who've had kids because they don't want to go back to work and they can keep claiming benefits if they have another (their words not mine) and they treat the poor little mites like encumberances.

I waited 5 years for my girl...tried 5 years more for a second child and then realised enough was enough.

I hope all you ladies get the families you're longing for.

[huffythethreadslayer]

Pandaeis, get that test out. It's best to know so you can deal with things proactively. Bev, I'd go to the doctors if you think there's any chance you might still be pregnant. It's easy to feel like you're being neurotic when you've gone through fertility issues as we have. You're not. And more than anyone else, you deserve to get reassurance whenever and wherever you can.

I'm lucky in some ways. I've done my readjustment to having just one, not because I wanted to but because I've had to. I'm 45 now and way too old to be trying for a second child so I either gnash my teeth about things and make myself and my (little) family miserable along with me or I deal with it. Not a week goes by where I don't tell my lovely girl how precious she is to me.

I agree Bev that some people don't appreciate what they have and how lucky they are. I'm one of 6 children and my mother HATED kids. I've got nieces who've had kids because they don't want to go back to work and they can keep claiming benefits if they have another (their words not mine) and they treat the poor little mites like encumberances.

I waited 5 years for my girl...tried 5 years more for a second child and then realised enough was enough.

I hope all you ladies get the families you're longing for.

[huffythethreadslayer]

Sorry...posted twice for some reason!

[Loubilou09]

huffy I agree about gnashing your teeth and dealing with it and I have done exactly that over the last two years. I really had accepted my lot and am determined not to make myself or my little family miserable, I tell my daughter all the time how special she is and how wonderfully blessed we are to have her. She loves hearing the story about how she turned from a twinkle in our eye to a real baby in my tummy and then how she was "bornded" (her word ).

What I feel so so angry, cross and downright sick to my stomache about is how my world has crashed again from accepting and moving on to this I look up at the sky and ask why did you let me get pregnant again? We were not actively trying but not actively not trying as making that final decision to get contraception seemed too final - of course as a 40 year old woman I know how making a baby works and should stop being so naive about it but I feel like I have taken 10 steps back in my moving on and accepting process and of course naturally all the what if's have resurfaced. You would think that this might actually be the final straw and make me vehemently decide to end my misery but it hasn't.....My daughter had no idea I was pregnant my hubby and I deliberately kept that to ourselves and outwardly we are the same as we were 4 months ago. More than anything I want some peace and answers, I haven't had any until now but this latest one has made me determind to get some answers and maybe that is what is needed for my healing, who knows?

[huffythethreadslayer]

I know what you mean loubilou. I think the last miscarriage I had made me realise how hurt and despondant I'd become. I also realised that every pregnancy I'd had was so full of hope, even at the early stages. Even though I knew I should know better.

The last pregnancy occurred just before my girl started school. She had to come with me for a few of the appointments (DH was working away...we hadn't told the family at all) so she had to know a little about what was going on. Being 4, I kept it age-appropriate...mummy is either having a baby or she's got a poorly tummy, which might make her a little bit sad.

We got through it. It hurt more than any of the other miscarriages and that made me decide, enough.

I think if I'd given up before it was danagerous for my health, potentially damaging for my child, I would have regretted it for ever. As it was, it was the right time for me to say 'enough'.

You've got a few more years left in you yet Loubilou. I hope you find peace soon.

[DrNortherner]

sotough I have one child and have had one miscrriage. What I meant to say was ho sad it would be to miss enjoying what you have.

I hope you find peace and contentment, and sorry for your losses.
xx