Late miscarriage...

[NinjaTurtle]

I have previously posted in the pregnancy topic, but on the advice of a MNetter, I am now posting here, as it is perhaps more relevant...

I have just found out that one of my best friends have suffered a late miscarriage in the last week. It was her birthday recently, but then her waters broke days afterwards and had to give birth to a stillborn baby. Obviously she is devastated by the loss of her DD, and of course my feelings are in no way comparable to how she is feeling, but I am also pregnant, only one week behind what she would have been, I am currently 21 weeks and she was 22 weeks. I saw her today and could not find the right words to say to her. I had my anomaly scan last week, and indications are that my baby is also a girl, but obviously I could not bring myself to tell her this when I saw her. Now I'm feeling incredibly guilty, because on one hand, I want to feel excited about my own pregnancy, but on the other hand, I am feeling so sad for my friend and don't know what to say to her without making her feel worse. Also, this has driven it home that after 12 weeks is not considered to be out of the 'danger zone', at that things like this can still happen. My scan showed no problems, but then so did hers, so now I am terrified that something will happen to my baby, but I feel selfish for thinking this, as my friend needs support, and I don't want her to think I am uncaring. I just don't know how to feel/what to do or say

I'm sorry about the long post, I was just hoping one of you ladies may have experienced something similar and would care to share your thoughts/feelings.

[InVinoFerretsAss]

Haven't experienced similar but just wanted to say how sorry I am that your friend is going through this.

I think huge amounts of understanding are needed right now for your friend's grief and I imagine it will be very hard for her to be around you for a little while. You are clearly a very caring friend and keen to find the right thing to do, I wish I could tell you what that was!

Try not to worry too much for your own pregnancy, sometimes these things just seem to happen and hopefully the doctor will be able to give her some answers soon as to why this pregnancy wasn't meant to be.

My thoughts to you both

[JaynieB]

Thats so sad - I'm not sure what is the best thing to say, your friend may want to talk about this, but I could understand it being hard for her to be around you for a while.
While I was pregnant one of DP's work friends was also expecting and they often used to chat about how it was going, sadly she had a similar experience to your friend and also gave birth early to a stillborn boy. She dealt with it by being incredibly open about her grief, my DP went to the funeral (I didn't) and he was both terribly moved by the service, but found the rawness of their grief hard. This was about 3.5 yrs ago and she has since gone on to have a healthy baby boy.

[NinjaTurtle]

Thank you for your responses. Very sleepless night last night, I can't even begin to imagine how my friend is feeling right now. Something that has now occurred to me is the shocking lack of compassion and sympathy displayed by some. For example (none of this was said to my friend btw), someone came out with the classic 'maybe it was for the best' and another said 'she can have another...' I just cannot comprehend how people can say these things outloud, how can suffering something like this possibly be for the best? How is a stillborn child so easy to replace? Words fail me. I know I'm now ranting a little bit, but it's an extremely upsetting event and I can't stop thinking of my friend, and am therefore angry on her behalf at such thoughtlessness, although I would never relay these comments to her, of course.

[InVinoFerretsAss]

Absolutely. Sometimes people are at a loss to know what to say for the best and unfortunately try to find something positive to say rather than just offering sypmathy and support. Unless you have been through it or can be in a position to witness the desolation your friend feels it's hard to imagine.

Just try to be there for her, whether it's at the end of the phone or maybe 'not' being there is what she needs. It will take time but she will come through this horrible raw phase and start learning to live with the loss. In the meantime you can only be the friend she needs you to be.

[NinjaTurtle]

Lunatic I've just seen it, thank you, I'm very sorry about your DD2, it must still be painful for you.

I've sent my friend a message, just to let her know I'm thinking of her, and have told her that I'm here if she wants/when she is ready. I couldn't just not say anymore to her, but I don't have the right words, and obviously it's still awfully raw for her, possibly hasn't fully sunk in either, since it hasn't even been a week. It's just very unfair.

[JaynieB]

Hope you're doing ok. Your comments about people saying 'maybe it was for the best' are sadly horribly true - I had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks and one of my friends did actually say this to me. Even at that early stage it was terribly upsetting for me to lose what I already felt to be 'my baby' and I can only hazard how much harder it is later on.

[Tads]

I think sending her a message was the kindest thing you could do. It lets her know you are caring for her without her having to try and put on a brave face or deal with your pregnancy face to face. I agree with the other ladies that she may find it a little difficult to be around you for a while. It won't be intentional on her part, but your bump and the stage of pregnancy that you're at would be a harsh reminder for her whilst it is so raw. This may obviously continue for her after your baby is born as the gap between your children would have been so small.

This is a horrible situation for you both and it is bloody unfair, but try not to worry too much about your pregnancy. Perhaps the best you can do for her is to be there for her from a distance for a while. She will no doubt be grateful of the support a little further down the line.