can't get to grips with it

[littlepinkfizz]

Hi, I'm new here. Have 3 lovely kids but am with a new partner and we decided to try for 1 of our own.I'm now 39.I fell preg in nov but misc in dec. Fell preg straight away without having another AF but misc again lqst week.It was aterrible time. spotting, then bleeding, accepting that I had misc.Then had a big bleed with clots, went to the hospital where they did seceral internal scans and told me the sac was still there along with a heartbeat.I went home happy but confused.A few days later i bled v heavily with lots of clots and when scanned had had a complete misc.Have been back and foth to the hospital sitting amongst happily pregnant women while I was silently crying for my 2 wee babies.I has speculum inserted and the probe for the iternal scan.Im still going back a fortnight later (on Fri) to get scanned yet again and more hormone level bloods taken.The only thing was said to me was,"well at least you know you can get pregnant" My GP was useless and smiled embarrassedly at me. I don't know if i@ll ever have another baby. maybe I'm too old. Maybe I should be grateful for the kids I have. I don't smoke or drink and lead a good life. What's it all about?

[thisisyesterday]

i dunno what it's all about. it's very unfair isn't it?

[kissmummy]

i don't know what it's all about either. i'm 35. my miscarriages started at 34. i've had four of them, back to back. i'm not ancient. i have never even tried a cigarette. i don't drink. i exercise. WTF? nothing about miscarriage is fair or reasonable. all you can do is develop coping techniques. i'm so sorry you're going through this. i know how horrendous it is. the second MC is a hard one - you dismiss the first as just bad luck and never think it will happen twice.

[lal123]

it is very unfair. My first mc was when I was 33, 2nd at 34 and DD2 (5 months) is now sleeping as I type. Agree that you put hte first down to bad luck and when you have a second it hits hard. It makes it so hard and scary to try again, but thinks can work out. be good to yourselfxx

[Heartbrokenmom]

I really am at a loss i have been in my Pj's for a week Mon. I was 16 weeks pregnant and went into the dr last mon like normal and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I freaked out and he did the ultrasound right away. I saw my baby layin very still and he still could find no heartbeat. I have 3 kids and im 31 years old i have never lost a baby and i don't know if i can take it I want my baby back i look at the video just 2 weeks prior and i see my little one kickin up a storm and even blowin us all a kiss and now im here empty and lost. I had to have a d&c thurs and is was awful i knew my baby was gone already but after that i just felt the most empty i think i could ever feel. Nothing seems to help no matter what people try to tell you. Your heart is broken your sad, angrey,lost, all at the same time I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY. I never thought this would happen to me. I just keep lookin and holdin on to the pics i have of my little one and hoping this is all a bad dream that i will wake up from. Yesterday was a week and i can't go back to work i don't want to be around people i just dont know how i will ever be ok with loosing someone i loved with everything i have even though i never even got a chance to meet my angel

[ClaireDeLoon]

oh

I don't know why either, had my first mc two and a half years ago and just didn't know (first ever pregnancy) how common mc was so we were happy at being pregnant. And then mc and 2 years ttc before getting pregnant again and mc again. I'm 37 and really think that's it now.

Your posts just resonated with me, sometimes I convince myself I'm not too distraught with where we are with it all and then I read this and realise I am.

heartbrokenmom I feel so sad for you

[Heartbrokenmom]

I sit and cry and feel like finding this site may be the only way i can talk with others who can at least relate to what im going through. I just feel like the pain will never go away I have thought of everything possiable i can think of to try and find answers for why this happened. They are going to do a genetic test on the baby to see if they can find any answers i know i should not blame myself i just can't help but feel like it's something i did or didnt do. I have three great kids who were perfect and i just don't know went wrong. The D&C has also kept me down they gave my somethin but wasn't totaly out just to tired to hold my eyes open just remember saying it hurts and then wakin up and feelin sick and it's been 5 days and im just able to walk around with out crammping and pain and still having alot of bleeding this is somethin that noone should have to go through it's heart breaking and you ache inside and feel alone and lost and helpless.

[iggi999]

It's been such a short time for you Heartbrokenmom, don't be surprised at how you are feeling. It will (very slowly) improve a bit for you - your dcs kind of force you to have the strength to go on. Hope you have someone you can talk to in RL as well?

[Heartbrokenmom]

Well last night my husband came home from work and i had a bad day i just spent the day crying off and on. So when he got home i broke down again. He doesn't know how to help me or what to say or do. I feel mad at him becasue he dosen't seem to feel as bad as i do. I know that he is upset but he says nothin it's like he can't even think about it and it makes me so ANGREY. I guess i just need to know that he is as heartbroken as i am and ya know be there to talk to me when i wanna talk not just try to forget it i don't know i know men deal with things differant, but right now i would just like to hit him.

[iggi999]

Sorry again . You DH probably has his head full of "normal" work stuff all day and is just in a different place from you regarding his feelings. Don't be too hard on him, you need him now, even though he's driving you mad. I don't think you do have to feel equally bad, you have your own grief, it was your body etc.