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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

My friend has just miscarried - I want to help her

6 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 23/12/2009 13:53

I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I've just heard a close friend has lost her baby at 18 weeks. I'm so shocked and sad for her - she had to go through labour and deliver the baby as well. Her sister let me know and said she is keeping herself busy but she said she looks exhausted. I want to help her, but also realise she might not want lots of fuss. I'm going to drop a card through the door just to let her know I'm thinking of her and if she wants to talk she knows where I am.

She struggled to conceive so she was so excited about the pregnancy, it doesn't seem fair. She also lost her father earlier in the year and for this to happen just before Christmas as well is just horrible.

Do you think there is anything I can do to make it any easier for her? Probably not I suppose, but I just feel a bit helpless.

OP posts:
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LadyOfTheFlowers · 23/12/2009 13:58

I wouldn't have thought so.

Knowing you are there if she needs you is all you can do I think.

Sorry to hear that.

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ReindeerInaSkoda · 23/12/2009 16:07

I think she'd appreciate a little note (not necessarily a card) from you to, as you say, let her know you're thinking of her.

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burstingtotalkaboutit · 23/12/2009 16:11

send her a card/note. be there for her when she is ready. do not try to cheer her up/look on bright side/tell her she'll have a baby one day...this doesn't help in the slightest. allow yourself and her to feel the absolute pain and sadness and trauma of what she's been through, if you think you can manage that when you talk to her. be there for her in 6 months or a year when everyone else has decided that enough is enough and she should have moved on.

x

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bb99 · 27/12/2009 14:11

Don't ignore her / pretend nothing happened / say 'it wasn't mean't to be / there was probably something wrong for the baby so it's for the best .

Have a read here, it can help.

leaflet

other leaflets scroll down for LMC one

Say (when you see her) how sorry you are for her loss, or words to that affect and let her talk about her baby if she wants to - if she shares pictures of her baby with you don't be shocked (or appear shocked) by what her baby looks like - my 2 18 week loss babies were absolutely beautiful to me (but I know not in the conventional sense of baby beauty).

If you know her well enough take her out for lunch when she's ready - it's hard not to eat when in company, if your appetite is a bit screwy.

DON'T moan about your own babies/children/how hard it is etc etc.

Be there for her next year when it may all come flooding back.

You sound like a very good friend to try and find out these things. She may have a funeral at this stage depending on the health authority / her wishes. The most touching thing my brother did was txt me and ask when the funeral was with no 2. with a view to did we want him there.

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rubyslippedonastraymincepie · 27/12/2009 14:13

when my friend had a MX i took her food so she didn't have to worry about cooking

practical help can be useful

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bb99 · 27/12/2009 14:16

Oh and if she does ignore you for the next few weeks, keep trying to keep in touch - last time a good friend of mine txt me over 10 times, then phoned, then came to my house (had a bad week that week) to make sure I was OK as I'd gone a bit out of touch.

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