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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

What to do for 'friend' who just lost baby at 20 weeks?

23 replies

angel1976 · 03/12/2009 20:33

Hi ladies,

First I want to say I am so sorry for all your losses... I've never lost a baby so can't even begin to imagine what it's like but I do have two precious sons that I love with all my heart that I cannot imagine being without.

I do have a question... I went to the nursery today to pick up DS1 and was told by nursery staff that the coordinator for the nursery has just lost her baby at 20 weeks and asked if I wanted to sign the card, which of course I did. She's a lovely lady but not a 'friend' iykwim. We've spoken about DS1 of course etc. What makes it really poignant is that I just had DS2 (4 weeks old) and have been going in with him to pick up DS1 and 2 weeks ago, we had a very personal conversation at the entrance where she told me she's 18 weeks pregnant having had 3 miscarriages before that never reached the 12-week point. Also, they learnt that the baby they would have would be very sick and needed a major operation when he/she was born but they just wanted this baby so badly. She said she did not have the heart to go through another pregnancy and if this was going to be their only child, they would be so lucky to have him/her.

I feel so bad that she has now lost this much-wanted baby and they have already been through so much. I feel like I should do something more for her than sign the card but not sure what would be appropriate? The lady who runs the baby room thinks there will be a funeral. If I were to get her something, it would have to go through the nursery. Can anyone help? I just feel so, so desperately sad for her... Thanks.

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Trizelda · 03/12/2009 22:58

A friend of mine lost a baby at 23 weeks.

The most important thing to her was that people acknowledged her loss, said they were sorry. Some sadly avoided her as they didn't know what to say.

She received flowers, either for them or sent to the funeral.

Also, someone took her a bag of meals from M and S so she didn't have to think about cooking.

bb99 · 04/12/2009 08:58

Agree with Trizelda

I've had 2 LMCs, only at 18 weeks+ and the hardest time was when people 'crossed the road' or ran quickly left rooms because they just didn't know what to say (not entirely their faults I know - it's sometimes hard to find the words to say), or when PILs have just pretended nothing has happened, as tho I wasn't pg...and haven't bothered to ask how we are

The kindest things people have done is listen and acknowledge that this IS a terrible loss (as it is at any stage of a pg or childs' life) even saying something simple like 'I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through...'

If they use their baby's name it's sometimes nice if you do too when they talk IYSWIM. They might get upset if you do listen to them talking (if they choose to talk), but they are upset that their baby has died, NOT because they are talking about it with you.

Hope her family has the support they need and it is a very kind thing to do to ask how to help. The right (for the individual) support can make such a difference xx

jellybeans · 04/12/2009 09:31

Hi I am very sorry about your friends loss. I had 4 m/c, 2 late, at 20 and 23 weeks. I agree with the need to acknowledge the baby/loss and try not to avoid the lady/subject. I had a funeral both times but only had close family. After one of them I really found it hard talking to friends with babies or who were pregnant so please try to understand if she finds it hard. It took me well over a year to feel anywhere 'normal' and I still struggle at times even though I have been really lucky to now have 5 DC. It's very good of you to be concerned for her, I am sure she will appreciate it.

HumphreyCobbler · 04/12/2009 09:35

I took great comfort from the cards and letters people sent me, I have them still.

Cherrypieforlunch · 04/12/2009 10:00

I can only echo what the others have said. I lost a baby at 23 weeks and it meant a lot when people actually acknowledged it as I know its hard to do. often people just said "I don't know what to say but I'm sorry" and that was fine.

I could not believe how many people ran away or couldn't look me in the eye or just carried on as normal without a single mention, including people I'd worked with for years - very disappointing.

Cherrypieforlunch · 04/12/2009 10:01

Also, don't me surprised if being nice to her makes her cry - it got me every time. I could be strong until someone gave me a hug.

angel1976 · 04/12/2009 10:54

Thank you all. I only see her dropping off and picking up DS1 from nursery so I guess I can't do much for now. I do know that she is seeing a bereavement counsellor and I guess she will be off for a few weeks. I will get her a nice card and will definitely offer my sympathy when I see her next. I feel so bad for her, she was cooing over DS2 and another mother and I were just saying to her how rewarding motherhood is... It's so unfair. I can't imagine what she must be going through.

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NancyDrewRocks · 05/12/2009 10:17

Please please just acknowlege her loss and tell her how sorry you are.

When I lost my son at 22 weeks I was desperate for people to say something - anything really and although there were several people who didn't quite "get it right" I will always appreciate their making the effort particularly when several who should didn't.

angel1976 · 05/12/2009 14:03

NancyDrewRocks - Will be interested to hear what advice you have to give on 'getting it right'. I totally understand that it would be hard for her to talk to me since I just had a healthy DS2... I just don't want to say anything that would hurt her.

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NancyDrewRocks · 05/12/2009 18:27

Angel the fact that you are even asking any of this means you are obviously a good person who cares. My best friend had her baby 8 weeks before DS was born and it was hard. But I never once begrudged her her baby. I desperately wanted my DS, not hers and as such I wasn't overly upset by having her baby around.

That being said I was grateful that for the first few times after DS's death she didn't bring her DD. I also didn't want to hear that feeding was hard/ sleep was minimal/times were hard.

Don't say:

It wasn't meant to be;

At least you know you can get pregnant;

It was probably for the best;

At least you lost him "early";

I have a friend that lost 2/4/9 babies in horific circumstances so it could be worse;

You're managing terribly well, I'd be in pieces (in these circimstances this is not a complement, it feels like you are belittling my loss);

Do tell her that you are very sorry.

Ask her if they named the baby and if there is anything you can do.

A couple of weeks after ask her if she wants to go for cofee/how she is feeling/is there anything you can do. People forget very quickly and it is comforting to know that people continue to acknowledge your loss.

HohohoBumperlicious · 05/12/2009 18:38

From my experience with a friend make sure you allow her to talk about it. Acknowledge it, call the baby by it's name if she gave it one. Our friends had photos of their 21 week daughter and we asked to see them although it was really hard, nothing compared to what she went through and they had sat through countless pictures of DD, their daughter deserved the same.

It was months before she could see DD, and even though that was sad for us we completely respected her feelings and only had her round after DD had gone to bed.

That's only my advice from your side rather than direct experience, but my friend told me how hurt she was at people who ignored her, including one 'good' friend who hasn't spoken to her since .

Sunshine78 · 05/12/2009 19:42

Have known a couple of people go through similar. They both like it acknowledged that they had a child.

The other thing is after you have ackknowledged it is to just be normal!

nickschick · 05/12/2009 19:55

I think a nice plant would be thoughtful - if there is a funeral she could plant it at the grave if there isnt or if she didnt want to then she could plant it in her garden- nursery could even plant it in their garden.....maybe something thoughtful like a rosebush with her surname or a December rosebush.

angel1976 · 05/12/2009 20:30

Thank you all. Very, very helpful. NancyDrewRocks - Usually, I am the one to put the foot in it so I will be careful and bear your advice in mind. I did think of a plant so maybe I will do that when she goes back to work. I doubt it will be before Christmas now... What a horrible thing to happen just before Christmas! I will definite ask about the baby when I see her. I just feel so sad for her still.

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Georgimama · 05/12/2009 20:37

It's impossible to get it right, because not only do you not know how you "should" behave, she doesn't even know how she wants people to behave and that would probably change from day to day.

I think that in time acknowledging that this baby existed, because it's not really a "miscarriage" at 20 weeks, it's a baby that came too pre-term to survive will be very important to her. I cannot begin to imagine how horrific what she is going through, and others on this thread have been through, must be. I have had two miscarriages in the last year - both were very early. The first I was a bit sad but thought "oh well" - the second floored me. What losing a baby at 20 weeks is like I don't ever want to know. When I was 20 weeks pg with DS I assumed I was safe.

NormaSknockers · 05/12/2009 20:52

My SIL lost a baby at 26 weeks & as others have said she wanted to talk about him, aknowledge he exsisted & was (& still is) a part of their life. As everyone else has suggested the acknowledgement that her baby exsisted is one of the most important things here - ask her about the baby as she will want to talk about him. Refer to the baby by his name (if they gave him one) be prepared that she may want to share photos, she will want to share how beautiful he was.

I know that my SIL has a baby memory box with photos/handprints etc in - perhaps you could give her a memory box if you'd like to give her something?

AppleHEAD · 07/12/2009 18:55

I lost my daughter at 34 weeks. I still have every text, card and even a pressed flower from a bunch someone sent me.
If you can't think of what to say just say how sorry you are, it is so hard but just saying something is a help. You would be amazed at how many people never spoke to me again or simply crossed the road when they saw me.

angel1976 · 08/12/2009 09:07

Sorry about your loss AppleHEAD. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is and to have people avoid you afterward...

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mistletoemulledwinemoodlum · 08/12/2009 09:29

From a friend's experience I would say that just making it clear that you are around whenever you are needed, is the most important thing.

IMHO I'd be wary of buying a plant or a rosebush, its a lovely idea, and one I thought of for my friend, but her mother said that it wasn't something she would want in case the plant/rosebush/whatever, then went on to die. It would be too symbolic and painful.

Its a while away, but this time next year, remembering her and texting her to say that you remember, means a great deal. Outsiders move on a lot quicker (obvious I know) than those involved, and just remembering, helps, I think (IYSWIM).

popsy1 · 09/12/2009 15:52

I lost my baby at 19wks earlier this year. I completely agree with all of the above.
Ask how she is.
Remember. So many people forget, move on and expect you to move on as well.
Acknowledge she lost a baby.
I found it so hard to cope with it all that friendships have suffered and consquently faded.
As you are not a close friend i would suggest a card and flowers (i have saved all of mine and was touch by the amount of acquaints that sent cards).
Also don't be surprised or hurt if seeing your baby is hard and she doesn't acknowledge them. She works in a nursery-its going to be extremely painful to return to work.
xx

angel1976 · 09/12/2009 20:33

Popsy and mistletoe - Thanks for your advice. I think I am going to stick with a personal card (with my contact details if she ever needed someone to talk to) and a small bunch of flowers when she comes back to work.

Sorry for your loss Popsy. Hope time has been a healer for you...

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Habbibu · 10/12/2009 14:18

Angel, the thing that means the most to me now is that some friends - one in particular - always remember dd1's birthday, and send a card - mark the date in your calendar, and send a card next year too - it will mean a lot.

angel1976 · 10/12/2009 21:56

Thanks Habbibu. Will keep that in mind. Just found out she will be in work next week for an hour and won't be back till the new year now and the funeral will be after Christmas. I think I will take a card in for her so it can be passed on to her so she knows I am thinking about her...

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