miscarriage and ectopic causing huge {irrational?} resentment at DSD and DH

[boodleboot]

oh dear this is a really long and tricky one but i will try to articulate just how pants i am feeling about it all.

DH had previous relationship with lady who couldn't conceive naturally and DSD was result of that relationship and clinical study funded IVF. They actually split up before she was born but its all amicable now. she is now 12.5yr

we married earlier this year and have a very loving and happy marriage. i have two beautiful DCs from previous marriage and amicable relationship with my ex but took for granted that we would be able to have a baby of our own. Unfortunately i had MMC at 12wk scan in april which was hideously traumatic. Then had a very lucky ruptured ectopic 3 wks ago - i say lucky as in i am lucky to be alive. This was terrifying for us both. We have been seriously considering whether or not to continue trying for a baby as TTC can be very time consuming and practically our kids our 12,10 and 5 so out of the baby stage now. I am only 31 but DH is 40 so nearly at the 'i'm too old for nappies' stage. We are trying to decide if it is right to put a stop to trying to add to the family and just enjoy what we have. DH is very much hands on with my two and is more of a father figure to them than their dad as he only sees them overnight every other saturday. DH couldn't love my two more if he tried and has been in their lives for the last 4 years so very much saw the baby phase with my son...

my DSD is both lovely and challenging as she is allowed to do lots more than i would allow a 12 year old to do by her mum BUT i try my best to be loving and inclusive when she is down every other weekend {this is tailing off a bit now tho as she is realising she can't get away with doing what she wants here so hasn't come this month...} She is the spitting image of my DH, i mean literally, peas in a pod. DH is adopted so she is his only blood relative that we know of and that is how it will stay if we do not have a baby. I really worry that i will just be so jealous and resentful of when she has grandchildren as it will be her that carrys on his genes not me....does that sound totally ridiculous or what? i feel horrible resentful already and she is only 12 for goodness sake??? Its really making me feel like having another baby just to ensure i don't feel like that in the future which is ludicrous.....oh my....

DH thinks its time to call it a day and i feel mixed....another baby would really upset the applecart financially and practically the children need me just as much but in different ways to a baby and i am enjoying having my life back now DS is at school. I am really cross that i feel like DH would go through IVF with his ex but 'wimps' out when it comes to us - conception may be harder but NOT impossible....ridiculous really for me to feel like that as he really does just care about my physical and mental well being, it was/is really hard going having two failed pregnancy....i feel like the worst stepmother in the world for having these jealous thoughts and also really worried that us not having a child will cause problems in the marriage AND mourning the loss of two babies....

[piprabbit]

Boodleboot, I so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time at the moment - no wonder you are feeling pants.

To start with, you have just been through a hugely traumatic experience (physically and emotionally - even hormanally at the moment) with your ectopic pregnancy.
After I had my ectopic I was signed off work for 6 weeks, it probably took about 2 weeks to get over the effects of the operations but the rest of the time I was struggling to come to terms with what had happened. I was grieving for my baby and for the future I had planned. In fact the whole process took several months.
So, don't rush into making any huge decisions about the future of your family until you have given yourself more time to recover.

You also need to talk to you DP, not just about future plans, but about your shared experience of the ectopic. He may have found it very scary to watch your life being at risk and being unable to help. Perhaps he wants to avoid putting you at risk again with another pregnancy. I can only guess at how he is feeling, which is why I think you need to talk about the past as well as the future.

I think it will take a long time for you to come to any kind of decision, and to accept everything that decision entails. And in the meantime, you maybe feeling irrationally jealous of your DSD, and her potential future children, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Just someone with an awful lot of emotional trauma to deal with at the moment.

Be kind to yourself.