having a very bad day, no need to reply...

[shyla01]

have had 4 mc in the past year so you think i would get used to it by now!

had erpc on sept 4th and since then have been ok. physically and mentally.

today my best friend had her little girl and it has killed me.

i just dont want to feel this horrid empty feeling anymore.

all i want is another baby.

i cant stand this waiting around for the bleeding to stop, then waiting to see cons, then the whole ttc drama. i just dont know if i have it in me any more

dont answer, i just needed to vent and have a good cry. dont think this would have gone down well as a status update on facebook!

[Sarimillie]

Shyla, I'm so sorry. Have never responded to a message in this section because I don't feel I can say anything helpful. But you sound so down, and with such good reason - so I'm just sending this to say that you are being thought of, and wished well.

[Bettymum]

Well, I couldn't see this and not reply. I had one MC earlier this year and it was horrid, I keep having dreams about it. But that was just one, I am so so sorry that you have been through four. I can't imagine.
Don't really know what else to add...but that I hope you have a supportive loving partner and that you get your baby soon x

[wheresmypaddle]

Sorry such a sad thing has happened again. I know you said don't answer but just wanted to say two things:

Don't feel bad for being terribly upset that your friend has had a daughter today it is bound to make you feel even worse, it does NOT make you a bad person, it makes you only human.

I also had a lot of mc in a short time and it was the worst time of my life. However, eventually I was blessed with DS (not meaning to sound like that takes away the sadness but for me it has helped a great deal) and there is every chance that you will too......

[shyla01]

thanks ladies.

dp has been fantastic, think he felt it today aswell.

but as he said to me 'chin up, we will have our turn'

just going to stuff myself full of wine and choc and completely spoil best friend beautiful baby until i can have one of my own!

thanks again

[Bettymum]

Best wishes shyla x

[kissmummy]

hi shyla, i've had three mcs and am very worried about having a fourth...it doesn't get easier each time, it gets harder, because you can no longer tell yourself it's just bad luck.
i have one DS now two years old but all our attempts at having a second have failed. nobody seems to know why.
i've had a few tests and they didn't show anything wrong. I got one appointment with a specialist on the NHS who gave us some tests and when they came up clear that was it - we were just pretty much abandoned. i kind of hoped for more of a follow up but it seems there's nothing more they can do.
how about you? it's very hard to keep optimistic, isn't it, after so many knocks? i'd be interested to know, if you feel like sharing, what stage your MCs have been at. my pregnancies tend to fail at around six weeks, but the bleeding doesn't start till eight weeks. one was a missed miscarriage. all have happened within the space of a year or so. it's very, very draining emotionally

[shyla01]

hiya kissmummy sorry that you have had to suffer so much too.

my mc have been, 1st mmc at 11 wks, lo had stopped at about 7.5wks, 2nd mc was more of a chemical pg at around 5 wks, 3rd another mmc at 8wks picked up at 9wk scan, and this last one was another mmc at 9wks stopped growng about 8wks. i cant seem to get past 8 wks.

i have had my 1st lot of bloods taken but will not get any results until nov 5th. its all so frustrating.

i was advised to try low dose aspirin with my last pg. still no luck.

i have a funny feeling that all my tests will come back clear aswell. i am dreading it. have already looked into goin private as, from what i have read the nhs doesnt offer all the possible tests.

days like today make me wonder if i am doing the right thing by carrying on trying to have a baby. can i really take another mc.

should i just be greatful for the 2 amazing kids i have already?

my heads in bits right now. i cant stop looking at the pics of bf's little girl on my phone. she is just amazing.

do you think you will keep on trying?

[womblingfreedom]

hiya, I've had a crap time too. have 2 lovely children, but have miscarried for the second time at13 weeks, 5 days, so devastated and so horrific, just about finished me off. I'm like an emotional rollercoaster at the mo too. I know stats say it's 1 in 4 pregnancies but it doesn't make it any easier when its you... rubbish. hope you're ok sure it doesn't feel like it at the mox

[Georgimama]

Poor poor you. I had 2 miscarriages in 6 months earlier on this year and I am now too scared to try again because I know, absolutely know, that I could not cope with another miscarriage. Nothing very helpful to add but I do know exactly how you feel.

[shyla01]

hi wombling and georgie

it is just so crap that we have all had to go through this.

im not doing as bad today, yesterday i felt like i couldn't cope anymore but today i just feel really sad.

have had a long hard day (and its not even 4pm yet lol!) and all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.

i know exactly what you mean about being terrified to try again. up until now i was convinced i would just keep trying regardless, but this time the fear of another mc is crippling.

i dont think i can go through the 1st 8-9 weeeks and stay sane!

am starting to think that coucelling might help, or something similar. i know i definately will try again but need help handling my fears if that makes any sense atall!

having to wait this time isnt helping. too much time on my hands to think lots of bad thoughts! defo cant ttc until nov at least.

xx

[Daynee]

shyla This breaks my heart, as your story is all to familiar. I'm so sorry for what you're going through - I utterly agree about the whole waiting part - it's the absolute worst. I just had my 4th mc, now I have to do this ALL OVER AGAIN! Wait to ovulate, wait to get a BFP, wait to make it 6 weeks, then 8 weeks...Every day seems like an eternity.

I've had all the blood tests and nothing is wrong. As a matter of fact, my last doc (a repro specialist) said he was perplexed by my situation because I get a hb, then nothing, it always stops growing at around 6 weeks, similar to kissmummy. This last time I had a D&E so that they can test the tissue - maybe this can give me more insight into why this is happening - if it's a chromosome abnormality, odds are it was with all of them?! If not, perhaps I can try heparin.

Just curious - have you had any tissue tested, or anything that might give you some insight? Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and just know that you still have what others do not - children. I know it is still difficult but perhaps the children you have can help keep your mind off of things. I have my dh, and plenty of wine but wish I had a child to help me through! Thank goodness I'm not working right now because it just makes it so much more difficult to get out of bed in the morning!

[Conundrumish]

Shyla - sorry to read your post. Wanting a baby is no easier if it is your third than your first (harder some would say as you know what you are missing). Don't give up - I hope you get your good news soon.

[Georgimama]

Daynee - just read your post. Not very MN but {{{hugs}}}.

[kissmummy]

hi shyla how are you feeling today?
daynee so sorry to see you've had a fourth. we've exchanged posts before. it's sooo hard to keep going, isn't it, as the fears and emotions get worse every time? it certainly gets no easier.
I want to keep going for as long as it takes - i'm 35 so i've got a few years left, hopefullyu. my mum had my little sister at aged 44 and luckily i don't seem to have a problem actually conceiving. But i'm all too aware just how absolutely dreadful i feel for weeks when it all goes wrong, and it is hard to imagine going through that several more times.

[shyla01]

hi daynee

my dc do help an awful lot. if i was told that i could never have another i really do think i could go cope so much better.its the fact that i keep conceiving these babies that die that i am struggling with. does that make sense? hope it does. the thought of never having childen kills me and i do not know how you cope with it. i really do feel for you.

i have had some tissue tested from my 2nd mc as i didnt get a scan to confim the pregnancy (was no more than 6wks) i actually took the remains to my gp and asked her to test because i was so desperate to know if it was a mc or if it was my imagination. all those tests could say is that it was defo product of conception, that hadnt developed properly.

i am a bit confused though, i have always been led to believe that if the tissue is to be tested it is best to have a d&c. when i went for this last one, the nurse said its very hard to test tissue from d&c and i would be best having the medical managment if i wanted it tested. all very confusing to me!

apart from that i am feeling better but its just a case of one day at a time and being kind to myself. if i want to cry, i will have a cry! i have an anniversery of one of my due dates to look foward to next month.

daynee are the tests you have had been through the nhs? i am very tempted to go private if i can afford it. get the chicago tests. if the nhs ones come back clear and i mc again i think i will have to. the cons at my local spire hospital treated my mum for recurrent mc many years ago, and he is lovely guy who has a real interest in mc.

thanks again ladies, don't know where i would be without mumsnet! you are all lifesavers

[popsy1]

just wanted to offer support. I think you are so kind,brave and generous wanting to spoil your friends baby. My best friend is due any day, i hope i can be as generous as you.

Take good care xx

[Georgimama]

Fertility is one area where I think that unfortunately the NHS just doesn't have enough money to give a shit. I wouldn't have DS if I hadn't gone private. Simple as that.

[shyla01]

thanks popsy its very easy to spoil her, she is the cutest little thing ever it makes it easier that bf has had mc probs and we have helped each other alot.

georgimama that is how i am begining to feel. they really dont seem to care. gp is great but they are fairly limited to what they can do. i am tempted to just get my results and take them to private cons. that should save me around £900.

hopefully there will be something wrong that will be picked up with these tests. how peverse that i actually want them to find something wrong?!

[LongtimeinBrussels]

popsy1, hope you cope okay seeing your friend's baby. I've been looking out for you for a while now to see how you're doing.

[popsy1]

Hi longtimeinbrussels. How are things with you? I still post on mn. Mainly on the ups n down of grief but also a few others. My friend still hasn't had her baby & still unsure how I'll be but I haven't any choice really. I just hope I'm happy for them and it doesn't knock me backwards. Was really hoping to be pregnant by now, to soften the blow. But unfortunately no such luck .

[samoy]

Hi all i have posted before but not for a while. I too have recently had my 4th miscarriage in a row so i understand your desperation. It really is dreadful and so consuming. The whole cycle of trying, conceiving and loss seems endless. I know im lucky to have my ds but i also feel so sad because i know what im missing and he is longing for a sibling. At times the chances of me having another child seem impossible. So sorry for all you ladies who have lost babies

[kissmummy]

hi samoy sorry to hear you've had a fourth mc. i think our circumstances are quite similar - we have definitely exchanged posts before? I have had three MCs in the last year or so - my pregnancies seem to fail between the six and eight week mark. I had some tests on the NHS and they couldnt' find anything wrong. we have left it six months or so on dr's advice (it took that long to get the referral to the specialist, and then the tests, and then the results, and they suggested we wait until then in case anything showed up) but if it doesn't work this time i'll be in despair. I am totally baffled by why i am having these recurrent miscarriages. i am otherwise very healthy and am pretty good at conceiving, but can't seem to be able to do the rest of it. I have one DS and every time i have another miscarriage i think that he must be a miracle. he arrived without any previous miscarriages. he is two years old now, and i'm really beginning to wonder if he's the only one child i'll be able to have. i'm 35 and determined to keep going though. on positive days i feel i will have as many MCs as it takes, but there are very dark days.
how about you?

[samoy]

Hi kissmummy good to talk to you again, i remember us talking before. Are you pregnant at the moment? hope you dont mind me asking.
I take it all your results came back normal, mine did too and i did see that as a positive thing-eventually. Following the tests i conceived again as i do, like you, fairly easily. I had fortnightly scans but found out at the 15 week scan there was no heartbeat and the baby had prob died at 12.5 weeks. All my losses are between 11 and 14 weeks and i cant help but feel its something to do with the placentas.Im now finally waiting for an appointment at st marys, please god i hope they can help. Because i have this impending appointment i feel quite strong at the moment but i do have dark moments also. DS is just 4 now, we started trying for baby number 2 when he was 2 and its been a long hard road that i want to reach the end of, i fear life will never be the same again x

[kissmummy]

yes it's really traumatic isn't it? I'm so sorry for you - your situation sounds worse than mine as your miscarriages are a bit later, and the later they are the harder it is...and the longer the whole process takes each time it goes wrong. all my tests came back clear, yes. i know that is good in theory, but i really wanted answers ..
i actually haven't "allowed" myself to think of all my losses as real potential babies/ children or i think i would break.
is your referral to St Mary's through the NHS?
I'm thinking of trying the Zhai Clinic, which specialises in chinese medicine and acupuncture for infertility. It's incredibly expensive but we're getting to the stage where we can no longer accept that what's happening to me is "just bad luck" and the NHS doesn't seem very interested in my case or able to do anything.
i have very light periods (only two days of bleeding usually) and have always been suspicious this is relevant (womb lining not thick enough or something) but none of the specialists i've seen seem to think so. you know how you search for reasons and explanations....i find the whole thing very gruelling..