Anyone become a foster parent after recurrent miscarriages?

[Daynee]

Hello ladies: I would really love to know if any of you have adopted and/or become foster parents after suffering recurrent miscarriage? I am currently experiencing my 4th mc, I am 32, and no children. My husband and I have done every test imaginable but everything is supposedly fine with us. I hate that I keep hearing "It's bad luck." Maybe and maybe not. Irregardless, we plan to keep trying and really do believe we will have a child one day but now I've been thinking a lot about adopting or becoming a foster parent. It would be wonderful to give a child a loving and fun home and I think it would also be wonderful for my dh and I to have a child to share our life with, while we continue to try. Maybe it would even take our minds off of ourselves. I'm just hoping I'm not crazy for wanting this...like I'm being impulsive or selfish...but in actuality, I really do want a child. I'm a teacher so I love children and love helping children...What are your experiences? Please share...Sorry for rambling.

[tah2]

Hi Daynee. I just wanted to reply to your post. I haven't had recurrent miscarriages, nor have i fostered any children but what i would like to say is that i think what you are considering doing is both sensible and a lovely thing to do. There are so many children in need of such an environment, but do please consider all factors. e.g. Do you think you will become too attached to these children if they are only in your care for a short time? Are you prepared to take on children with emotional/behavioural difficulties? - although as a teacher im sure you are!
Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Kayran]

Daynee, we had several IVF's and this resulted in one live birth and a series of miscarriages and also an ectopic and an hetri ectopic pregnancy. We waited until my little girl was four and a full year after the last IVF treatment and then approached the council about fostering.

We have been foster parents for nearly 18 months and have helped five children and we currently have two little ones. The first thing I would say is that you need to decide whether you want to adopt or to foster. The social worker who takes you through assessment needs to know that you understand the difference and that you chose what is right for your family. However I very much doubt that they would allow you to proceed whilst you are still actively trying to have your own child. If you have any questions that you think I can help with let me know.

[NanaNina]

Hi Daynee - I am a retired social work manager with over 30 years experience in fostering and adoption. I think it best to delay thinking of adoption while you are still trying for your own child. Really people need to have "come to the end of the line" in terms of trying for their own childbefore moving on to consider adoption. However I know of several couples who adopt and then go on to have their own child but that is just one of those things that happen in life. However it may well be that you could consider short term fostering. You say you are a teacher - presumably this would mean giving up your job? Is that the right thing for you at this time?

I think you need to talk this over with your local SSD and obviously be honest with them. If you are considering leaving your job and applying to foster, I would think it would be quite painful for you to be fostering very young babies and therefore not really the best thing at this time. Also there is much more of a need for foster carers for older children and sibling groups and those with special needs and given your experience as a teacher you may well be more suited to older children. I am sure though you realise that fostering children on a 24/7 basis is different from having them in a classroom.

If you are not wanting to give up your job you could maybe consider respite care, which as it's name suggests is about fostering children at weekends and holidays. As you are a teacher you would be very well placed to care for children in the holidays. Respite carers are used to give other foster carers a break to "re-charge their batteries" or have a holiday without the fostered child. Some local authorities have schemes whereby respite carers take children from birth families to give them a break and prevent children being taken into care. I often think respite care is a good way of "dipping your toe in the water" so to speak. In your situation in trying for your own child it would also seem to fit as it would provide more flexibility in terms of committment.

Do have a talk with your local SSD as there is an urgent need for foster carers and they will be able to provide you with info about what particular schemes they run (as this varies between local authorities)

Oh and I do so hope that you will one day have the child you hope for.

[starkadder]

Hi Daynee

No experience of fostering so am thread crashing a bit here, but wanted to say I'm so sorry for your 4th MC. Saw some of your other threads and was hoping it would work out for you. I've just had my 3rd early MC (8wks) but am lucky to have a son (17 mths) too (3rd pregnancy, after 2 other early MCs).

I know it doesn't help much, and I feel like despairing too - but all the research I've done (Miscarriage Association, RCOG etc) says that chances of a successful pregnancy EVEN after unexplained recurrent MC is still roughly 3 in 4, i.e. 75%. I've made DH read all of it too so that when I start getting hysterical and panicky about never having another baby, he can gently remind me that he read the facts too and it isn't all doom and gloom.

I'll cross my fingers for you for next time.

S