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my big long MC story

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By Tue 02-Jun-09 22:23:25 Add message | Report | Contact poster

I am actually copying and pasting my story in from another thread - I posted yesterday and keep checking but have had no replies so I'm hoping that starting a new thread will bring some support and kind words...

I had a miscarriage on Wednesday (I was 10 weeks) and Thursday was my birthday. I started very light spotting the previous Thursday, but DP and I read enough to assure ourselves it was normal. It got a little heavier on Tuesday so I went to the GP who pressed on my tummy and neither he nor I were too worried but he booked me in for an early scan on Thursday as my first scan was only going to be at 13 weeks. I was optimistic about a good birthday present. But on Weds afternoon, whilst waiting at Heathrow for my brother and his girlfriend to arrive from South Africa (here to visit for my birthday) the mild cramps started. By 5pm I was in agony and I knew it was all over and we all went off to A&E where the bleeding really started. The MMC was confirmed after two internal examinations in A&E (one involving forceps to remove the 'product' - it was so sore and bought on the tears). I spent the night in hospital on my own. I was woken up at 6am to have my blood pressure taken and when I asked was told I could have no visitors until 3pm, not even DP unless I really needed something. What I really needed was sympathy and attention and love (and maybe a 'happy birthday'). After nearly 4 hours of lying in bed in tears, with no TV or books or anything to take my mind off the bleakness of the sitation I was transferred to the gynae ward and taken for a scan. The staff there were kind but didn't seem to realise I already knew (and had seen and felt) that everything had come out of me so we had to go through the whole 'I'm so sorry but...' routine again. However, once I knew I didn't have to have a D&C I felt loads better as I knew I could go home. I hadn't been able to eat or drink a drop, so a cup of water and a marmalade sandwich lifted me too. I was wondering where my partner was and since my mobile had died in the early hours of the morning the kind head nurse allowed me to use her phone in her office. My partner had been told a few hours earlier on the phone that I was being transferred and she would not be able to see me until 3pm! She obviously thought the worst and was distraught.

The whole experience was awful, ghastly and I felt so good to be home. The pains have eased up - now like bad period pain rather than the deabilitating pains I had on Weds. I'm still bleeding a bit and was told that could last 1-2 weeks. I was feeling emotionally strong and positive and absolutely certain that I'll be pregnant again in no time and will go on to have a healthy pregnancy. But yesterday the emotions hit me and I couldn't stop crying. It's strange - I had been surprised that I didn't FEEL pregnant, but I guess that's nature's way because after the MC I didn't feel a sense of loss, unlike my partner. But today I am feeling sad that I'm not pregnant anymore and my boobs aren't sore and I'm not constantly hungry. And I'm sad we've got to go through the whole lot again (a little more complex for my girlfriend and I). And even though I know so many women go through this, I can't help but wonder whether there is something wrong with me and I will never be able to carry to term. I know I just need to get through this awful part and we can try again as soon as I'm ready, and I know it's important to stay positive so I just hope I can stop crying soon and pick myself up and carry on.

We had told quite a few people and I am glad we did and have the support of those people. At least we had the chance to share the happy news, which was exciting. I guess next time it will be less happy and more nervous, I'm sure people won't know what to say. We aren't telling those who didn't know so that next time we'll get the chance to do the whole happy surprise thing.

I am feeling a bit stronger today and less tearful, and the pain and bleeding seem to be easing up. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow - although I am not really sure why I'm going. The hospital made an appointment for me to go back for a scan next week, but a friend suggested I go see the GP for more support. I know I just need to get through this tough time, and I am feeling more positive about getting pregnant and carrying to term next time around, and feel I am finding my inner strength again, but I know tomorrow morning might bring more tears and I'm just too impatient to go through all this horrible stuff, I just want to feel better.

Would love to hear some encouraging words please!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 22-Jun-09 10:44:25

Hi everyone

I took my brother and his girlfriend to the airport this morning so I'm feeling quite sad, sad to say goodbye and sad because now life returns to normal, but of course before they came I was pregnant. It's been a huge and very good distraction having them here and I'm a bit worried that now the sadness of the miscarriage is really going to kick in. I wish I could just get on with ttc again.

JustShaggy, one week on... hope you are doing okay. Time does make it better, but it's a bit of a rollercoaster! hope you are keeping strong and have some extra support from your friends.

love to all xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 15-Jun-09 17:13:42

Hi JustShaggy, so pleased for you that you got through it - well, I'm not pleased that you've had to go through any of this, but I think you know what I mean. You've passed a major milestone. I'm sure the weekend has been quite hard, and today has probably been hard and in fact every day this week is probably going to have some hard moments. You just have to get through them one day at a time, and you will get through them. I hope that you do manage to discuss this with your two best friends - it's so important to talk about it and also to have some tlc and kindness and just some looking after.

Thanks for the info about fybroids. From what I can gather, if the fybroid is inside the womb and the baby chooses to implant there, that would cause problems. It's a small risk, but I'm going to wait til I get it checked out before TTC again - I don't want to go through that again! So for now I'm just throwing myself into work and also focusing on my visitors - my brother is here for another week which is great.

You made me laugh again - pads the size of bricks! Funny, it took me back to being a teenager when I had to don those hospital maternity pads. I am a tampon girl and hate pads, but of course you can't use tampons after an MC - but I must say pads have certainly come along way in the last 20 years!!! So teeny tiny yet so absorbent! Hopefully you'll be downsizing soon!

Keep strong, and keep talking.

xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 12-Jun-09 19:09:17

Hi Temm,

I did make it, and thanks for thinking of me. Procedure went very well and was definately the right decision for me and if (god forbid) it happens again, I will do this again.

Post-surgery pain is nothing like the painful 'twinges' and 'cramps' I was occassionaly getting through the long week that scared the cr*p out of me. And apart from waddling around like a duck with a pad the size of a brick between my legs, and getting over the shock of seeing my nether regions being painted a weird saffron yellow shock

, I finally feel I've turned a corner and can start to look forward again.

I had lots of kindness. I initially thought my surgeon/gynea was a bit abrupt and officious pre-op but when he came into my cubical to check on me after the op, and caught me crying, he actually looked a bit teary himself - which redeemed him 100% in my eyes. Mind you, they'd taken my glasses away from me and I'm blind as a bat without them so maybe I imagined it - but I'm giving him benefit of doubt.

I did wake up and suddenly get hit by a massive sense of loss and grief that I really did not expect, and did cry for a bit. I think the anaesthetic lowered my defenses and because I was no longer focused on just getting to this point with no extra trauma, the emotional side snuck up and bit hard. So I am now psyching myself for the big hormone crash to get through next, and then hopefully I and DH move on.

But overall, I feel immensely relieved - in control of the pain and my own healing now, which is just how a self-sufficient African girl likes it. Oddly, I also feel ready to tell my two closest friends which I think must be good sign - I haven't been able to tell anyone at all.

Incidentally, I learned on my second scan yesterday that I have a fibroid (don't know if they are plural or singular). You mentioned being checked for these in an earlier post.... Midwife explained they are nothing to worry about and won't affect conception and also told us an odd fact that Afro-Caribbean women seem to have loads of them with no problems - "gnarly uterouses". My DH grilled her about them and eventually re-interpreted it all in his own way - in his mind, he is resolved that I have 'gristle' in my uterous. smile

I feel I have to double-check if she was right, but right now, I'm not too concerned.

Thanks for all your support and for sharing your experience which really helped me. Hopefully we will go through a more positive experience on an ante-natal thread together soon.

xxx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 12-Jun-09 12:21:55

JustShaggy - thinking of you and hope that you made it to today, and that it goes well xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 11-Jun-09 10:38:26

Hi JustShaggy

Looks like you've nearly made it - even if things start tonight, you could just do what I did and spend the night in A&E and have your scheduled procedure tomorrow )though I didn't have the D&C).

I didn't get a book or any literature from the hospital. But I guess if I had to choose I would rather have kindness, since that's what you really need - and I can find out pretty much all I need on MN anyway!!!

I'm doing okay - really feel back to normal, although the first thing DP said to me today was 'we would have been 12 weeks today' which is sad. All that hope and promise and excitement gone

I try not to get upset about it but it is depressing to be flung back to the start line - even before the start line, cos I know have to wait for AF then have another scan for fybroids or polyp and who knows what then before we can start TTC again... Part of me is tempted to just TTC again, but if it is a fybroid in the inside of my uterus it could cause problems again. Certainly don't want to go through another MC, so best to wait. More waiting really - when I thought all the waiting was over.

Good luck JustShaggy, hang in there, you're so close!

xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 10-Jun-09 14:28:44

Hi Temm,

I've had persistant twinges, the occasional very sharp pain which terrifies me each time it happens, and periods of nothing in between - spotting on and off. I am beginning to feel hopeful I'll make it to Friday, but am so tired at this stage. It has been the longest slowest week of my life. The midwife at EPU was a real star and did all she could to help me and was hugely apologetic.... kindness does help. Had a low point when my appointment for my '12 week' scan arrived after I knew baby had died (I was told they wanted to scan me between 10 and 12 weeks but the appointment actually was for approx 14 week scan hmm

).

I didn't exactly get nothing from NHS - sent off with a book that touched on everything basically but nothing in depth. So am still left wondering if I did stuff wrong that I should have known,..... etc etc. Really need to educate myself better, but where, how?

I am clueless about private health here and have no idea where to start - but I want to get myself into a different set up second time around.

I get your point .... like you, no way I would want to be getting state care in my country - it doesn't exist - but I do wonder what health care is like in other countries - like Germany or Sweden. You know, compare like-for-like.... Frankly, being a lot better than state-care in desperately poor African countries isn't much to boast about.

Anyway... just need to get through this and try and work out how to make the second attempt less frightening... DH has been very scared, so fully on board now...

How are you at this stage?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Tue 09-Jun-09 22:24:04

Hi JustShaggy

How are you today? One sleep closer to Friday, hope you are feeling strong.

I have always had private health insurance so only ever had to go to my GP for a referral. I was feeling anxious about having to rely on the NHS at the most important time of my life, since health insurance only covers pregnancy complications. My first taste of the NHS was... well, nothing! They just leave you to get on with it. When notice of my appointment came I called to try and change it and struggled to get through. Eventually I did and managed to ask one question in before the phone was put down! Grrrr! However, I must say I was treated better than I expected when I ended up in hospital - yes, I was curled up in a ball in agony on a hard bench in the A&E waiting room and I was left for four hours in the morning with no attention at all, but there were some really lovely nurses and doctors and everything seemed really clean and in good nick. I know I am better off here than in a South African state hospital, that's for sure! I do think medical care in South Africa is far better - more caring and personal - than here, but you pay a lot more for it. And ultimately I think it comes down to who you end up with, like most things.

I am not referring to your situation (just giving my opinion on SA vs UK healthcare) and I think it's hideous what you are having to go through. I suppose it comes down to the UK being overpopulated and the system struggles to cope with all of us ladies in our various states of need, and we just have to get in line!

Be strong and I know this is probably impossible (and irritating to hear) but do try and relax and get some sleep and look after yourself xx

PS You made me laugh with your analogy of loud, vulgar talk in church!!!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 08-Jun-09 19:32:49

I'm from Southern Africa too - won't say which country because it could undermine my anonymity here - but I lived in SA for a while. I think because I am from there I prefer the unvarnished truth. I can't stand being powerless.

I haven't told anyone about what I going through except for my immediate family back home and one friend back home (and of course DH). All are profoundly shocked by how differently things are dealt with here compared to there - using words like 'barbaric' and 'primitive' - which is funny considering this is one of world's strongest economies compared to where I come from.

But also not so funny, because their frustration at the system is beginning to feel like they think that I haven't shouted/screamed/pushed enough because if I had, I would be getting a better deal. When I am sick I am at my most vulnerable ... very hard to toss toys feeling like this.

DH is saying next pregnancy I should travel home for care (his elderly parents have both been forced to go private for medical care recently because NHS was taking so long so he has lost his deeply held treasured beliefs in NHS. My experience is final straw for him). My parents in a total state of worry for me and talking about trying to get me international medical aid so we have more control over level of medical care given. I'm not convinced it'll make a difference or even be affordable...

Anyway, it's a moot point - at the moment I am hostage to a situation I have no control over so just trying to psychologically prepare myself for whatever happens.

I was curious to know if you had had similar frustrations? It's hard to discuss this with British friends because this is the only experience of medical care they've ever had so don't really know it could be very different. Also, the smallest criticism of NHS isn't always seen as a way of improving things or a justifiable response to poor service, but more like you swore big vulgar swear words at the top of your voice in church. So I tend to keep my mouth shut (will probably be flamed for this post but I just don't care anymore!)

I actually feel traumatised by the process - spent most of the day on the phone trying to bring my procedure forwards to immediately after my scan on Thurs because it occured to me if I waited until Thurs to tell them what I wanted, I'd only be unhelpfully told THEN 'oh no, there's a two/three week queue for procedure'. That would have been the end of me....

Thank God I did, because the first available slot (by asking TODAY) was already Tues next week - i.e. another nightmare weekend to get through. Friday came up because of a cancellation and I was phoned because I asked to be put on a cancellation waiting list - I assume some poor soul miscarried while she waited and waited and waited for help. This is something my DH is trying to tell me I need to prepare myself for - having to cancel as well because there's big chance I won't make it until then.

Only 4 more (sleepless) sleeps to try get through - I have circles under my eyes the size of saucers.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 08-Jun-09 17:54:15

Hi JustShaggy - you've got me sussed and nee, dis nie so lekker nie! But obviously I have more support here than I do back home (although my siblings are pretty supportive, especially my brother who's still here on his visit).

I'm so sorry to hear about your MC. It must be awful to find out at a scan, or did you have an idea that all was not well? I hope for your sake that the bleeding doesn't start. It is so mean to make you wait. Keep strong - and keep a good supply of massive pads and paracetamol and ibuprofen nearby.

There was another thread about what to expect when waiting for a natural MC, which I am sure you read - oh, I was just going to paste a link to it and I see you are on it. My DP thought it would be quite scary to read the descriptions if you haven't already gone through it. Just read your post there and sounds like you have been through a really tough time already, and have been really let down by the NHS. It might be time to start screaming and creating a stink - at your GPs or on the NHS helpline or wherever else. Actually that probably won't be the right approach, but someone needs to throw you a bone and help you out! It might be worth changing docs as I have been quite comforted by the GPs I have seen. You're halfway to Friday and hopefully the worst will soon be over. Fingers are crossed for you.

Best of luck to you. Let me know how you get on and shout if you need a shoulder to cry on - or scream on! xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 08-Jun-09 17:08:49

Hi temm09 - so sorry to hear about your ordeal. I learned last week thurs my baby had died at 6 weeks and have another scan on Thurs before they give me the surgical procedure on Fri morning.

So, I'm in that limbo phase where I know the baby has died, and hoping like hell a natural miscarriage doesn't kick in before because I just can't handle any more grief, pain and stress. Every speck of blood since then sends me into full on terror mode. It's actually a living nightmare.

I was wondering from your post (and from another where you mentioned your mother's conservative religious views) if you were South African and going through this in the UK away from home? If so - its not so lekker... is it! x.

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my big long MC story