my big long MC story

[temm09]

I am actually copying and pasting my story in from another thread - I posted yesterday and keep checking but have had no replies so I'm hoping that starting a new thread will bring some support and kind words...

I had a miscarriage on Wednesday (I was 10 weeks) and Thursday was my birthday. I started very light spotting the previous Thursday, but DP and I read enough to assure ourselves it was normal. It got a little heavier on Tuesday so I went to the GP who pressed on my tummy and neither he nor I were too worried but he booked me in for an early scan on Thursday as my first scan was only going to be at 13 weeks. I was optimistic about a good birthday present. But on Weds afternoon, whilst waiting at Heathrow for my brother and his girlfriend to arrive from South Africa (here to visit for my birthday) the mild cramps started. By 5pm I was in agony and I knew it was all over and we all went off to A&E where the bleeding really started. The MMC was confirmed after two internal examinations in A&E (one involving forceps to remove the 'product' - it was so sore and bought on the tears). I spent the night in hospital on my own. I was woken up at 6am to have my blood pressure taken and when I asked was told I could have no visitors until 3pm, not even DP unless I really needed something. What I really needed was sympathy and attention and love (and maybe a 'happy birthday'). After nearly 4 hours of lying in bed in tears, with no TV or books or anything to take my mind off the bleakness of the sitation I was transferred to the gynae ward and taken for a scan. The staff there were kind but didn't seem to realise I already knew (and had seen and felt) that everything had come out of me so we had to go through the whole 'I'm so sorry but...' routine again. However, once I knew I didn't have to have a D&C I felt loads better as I knew I could go home. I hadn't been able to eat or drink a drop, so a cup of water and a marmalade sandwich lifted me too. I was wondering where my partner was and since my mobile had died in the early hours of the morning the kind head nurse allowed me to use her phone in her office. My partner had been told a few hours earlier on the phone that I was being transferred and she would not be able to see me until 3pm! She obviously thought the worst and was distraught.

The whole experience was awful, ghastly and I felt so good to be home. The pains have eased up - now like bad period pain rather than the deabilitating pains I had on Weds. I'm still bleeding a bit and was told that could last 1-2 weeks. I was feeling emotionally strong and positive and absolutely certain that I'll be pregnant again in no time and will go on to have a healthy pregnancy. But yesterday the emotions hit me and I couldn't stop crying. It's strange - I had been surprised that I didn't FEEL pregnant, but I guess that's nature's way because after the MC I didn't feel a sense of loss, unlike my partner. But today I am feeling sad that I'm not pregnant anymore and my boobs aren't sore and I'm not constantly hungry. And I'm sad we've got to go through the whole lot again (a little more complex for my girlfriend and I). And even though I know so many women go through this, I can't help but wonder whether there is something wrong with me and I will never be able to carry to term. I know I just need to get through this awful part and we can try again as soon as I'm ready, and I know it's important to stay positive so I just hope I can stop crying soon and pick myself up and carry on.

We had told quite a few people and I am glad we did and have the support of those people. At least we had the chance to share the happy news, which was exciting. I guess next time it will be less happy and more nervous, I'm sure people won't know what to say. We aren't telling those who didn't know so that next time we'll get the chance to do the whole happy surprise thing.

I am feeling a bit stronger today and less tearful, and the pain and bleeding seem to be easing up. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow - although I am not really sure why I'm going. The hospital made an appointment for me to go back for a scan next week, but a friend suggested I go see the GP for more support. I know I just need to get through this tough time, and I am feeling more positive about getting pregnant and carrying to term next time around, and feel I am finding my inner strength again, but I know tomorrow morning might bring more tears and I'm just too impatient to go through all this horrible stuff, I just want to feel better.

Would love to hear some encouraging words please!

[Lilyloo]

so sorry , no wise words but didn't want to ignore your post

[cazzybabs]

I have had 2 mc - mot mmc though, but both were horrible enough...

I remember sobbing after the 2nd on that I would never have another baby ever again...

however I did and I am pregnant again...mc are horrible and I still grieve - infact I planted a tree in the garden (several months later) to remember what might have been...

what I am saying is you will get pregnant again and you will carry it to term...

grive, cry, drink and when the time is right try again.

[curlyredhead]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc before I conceived my dd1 and it was just heartbreaking. My advice, fwiw, is to let yourself grieve just now - I suppressed a lot of feelings, and they all bounced back harder than ever about three or four months later.

[AitchTwoOh]

it's a terrible time, just after losing a baby. i'm so sorry for you. things do get better, but not for a while ime. don't expect too much of yourself, you've lost a lot of hope right now.

[AitchTwoOh]

it's a terrible time, just after losing a baby. i'm so sorry for you. things do get better, but not for a while ime. don't expect too much of yourself, you've lost a lot of hope right now.

[EllieG]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember posting on MN after my MC and someone telling me that their MC 'rocked them to the core', which described the exact feelings I had. I was lost and broken and empty-feeling, and I felt only women who had experienced it knew how I felt.
I remember feeling desperate for a child after, but it actually took me a little while to get PG again. This was probably a good thing because I really needed time to grieve.

Please be very, very kind to yourself at the moment. Don't expect too much of yourself physically or mentally, and very importantly, let your partner 'in' so she knows how you are feeling. She will also be grieving, so don't shut her out.

I strongly felt that I was bereaved of a future I wanted, a life not lived, and I was angry and felt cheated. I also hated it when people said to me that it 'was for the best because there was probably something wrong with it' etc (be prepared for stupid comments) or implied that because it was an early MC I didn't have as much right to feel sad. To me, it felt like I had lost my much-wanted baby, the life of my future child, and I needed that to be validated by those around me. I also commemorated my little lost one by planting some bulbs and flowers on my grandmother's grave so I had somewhere to visit that was special, and it meant a lot to me. My friends were fantastic and sent me an orchid (that still flowers today) as they didn't want to send me cut flowers that would die. It meant a lot to me that they would be so sensitive and kind, and having people like that around really helped. So ignore any crappy people and just be with people who love you and nurture you right now.

You will heal up, but please give yourself time. I have a beautiful DD of 13 months now, who I can honestly say is probably the love of my life (don't tell DH!), and I have never been happier, but the MC remains something that is a bit tender, and probably always will be.

[temm09]

Thank you so much for your messages, they have made me feel a bit sad for all of you and also make me realise the enormity of what we have gone through, and that we do need to give ourselves more time to feel what we're feeling rather than trying to rush back into normality. sigh sigh

Although I do feel sad and I feel sorry for myself that I'm not pregnant, I don't feel like I'm grieving. I had been surprised that I didn't feel attached to the baby or foetus or little bean, but I'm wondering whether that is going to catch up with me and in a few weeks time I'll be heading out into the garden (without gardening gloves for now!) to plant a tree.

EllieG that is so lovely that your friends bought you an orchid. On Thursday DP bought me a spectacular bunch of long stemmed red roses, our favourite flowers, and they wilted today in the heat, which made us both sad!

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice and for sharing... therapy for us all xx

[AitchTwoOh]

it's the gear-change that's difficult ime. all that ooooooh what will my new life be LIKE etc is just swept away so quickly. give it time.

[temm09]

you're right AitchTwoOh it's hard to have all that excitement and promise of a new life snatched away so quickly. I don't want to give up hope of that new life still being out there, but I suppose I must accept that for now it's not. It's not back to normal either, so I guess I'm a bit lost. The only thing I know to do is to try and carry on with work and 'normal' things, I don't think wallowing around is going to help me, but I'm not really sure what to do other than just soldier on, and let the tears out when they come (not that I have much choice about that, they just come regardless!)

The morning's seem harder... is that an hormonal thing?

[AitchTwoOh]

i dunno, i liked a bit of 'why me' wallowing for a while, i think i needed to get a bit bitter and twisted about my bad luck in order to start over. i remember feeling most unlovely thoughts to pregnant women walking by. but it goes, and you do feel better, and you will in all likelihood get pregnant again and this next one will be a keeper. but you'll always worry, i'm afraid, until you have the baby in your arms.

[EllieG]

Just give yourself a break, there's no right or wrong way to be feeling. Like you say, let the tears fall when they fall, and go with whatever your mood and your body is telling you.

[Daynee]

Talk about moody! I've been up and down and all around since my 3rd mc nearly 5 months ago. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things, to pursue my hobbies again and to catch up on reading, just to take my brain off of this god-forsaken plight. I don't know why these things happen to some women. Some of us have real medical reasons for it and some of us do not. And perhaps part of it is some divine plan - I'm not all that religious but I it would be too morbid to believe that everything that happens to us is mere coincidence...There has to be more to it.

I believe strongly that I will have a child but a small part of me is in doubt and that part is smothering me...What I can suggest to you is what I've done to cope, which is drink plenty of wine, cook big meals, hang out with DP, and TRY to focus on other things!! It will happen...in the meantime, it's this dreadful waiting...and waiting...

[temm09]

Hi Daynee I'm so sorry to hear about your THREE miscarriages. I am so impatient, I always have been, and I can't bear the idea of waiting and going through this horrible period - I just want to get on with it. So I know what you mean about the waiting...and waiting... good luck to you.

I have just been to see the GP and he was really lovely. (It always seems to be a different GP so you never know what you're going to get.) He seems to think there's no reason to wait til after my first period before trying again if I feel ready. The hospital gynae said wait til after first period, the sonographer said give it a couple of months for my body to recover... what do people think?

[temm09]

Thanks AitchTwoOh and EllieG for your advice. I think my form of wallowing is my enhanced obsession with MN! I did feel a pang of something when a woman walked into the GP's waiting room with a baby, which kind of knocked me, and that surprised me.

[Chocolatepenny]

Hi Temmo9
I know how this feels as I have just been through this 2 weeks ago with a missed MC at 11 weeks.
It really has changed my life but I'm trying to make it a positive.
I think the worst thing is the 'guilt' and blame you feel and that feeling soon turns into a nagging doubt that I will never be able to have a child again.
I can't stop thinking about it, I find myself thinking about it in all those spare moments. I also look at my 2 year old and imagine him as a only child, which is not so bad I know but I still feel sad I guess.
I don't know how long it takes to get over it, but I do know its a part of me now and I need accept it (which I still don't think I have!)
But if I ever have another I will demand a D&C I am shocked that women have to go through will a 'natural mc' in this day and age, but thats another thread! xxxhugs to you all

[temm09]

Hi Chocolatepenny I'm sorry to hear about your MC. I know what you mean about not accepting that this has happened and that it is now a part of you. But I think it's also important not to let a big tragedy like this define who we are. When I read everyone's stories I feel sad for all of us who have gone through this. All the bleeding or ending up in A&E or not knowing what to expect or not getting good advice or sympathy from doctors, etc. etc. just makes it all that much more traumatic. I also find myself thinking about it all the time - I keep running through the whole experience in my head and before bed last night I passed an awful (and disgustingly smelly - sorry!) clot that I guess might have been the sac, which brought on horrible dreams about it and the hospital.

I think reading these posts brings on the tears rather than my own experience and I wonder whether I have been too dismissive of my own sadness. But I have been through some awful low points in my life and I know that self-pity just makes me feel so much worse and so hopeless, and I think it's quite important for me to remain positive - and, like I said, not to be defined by this and become a victim of it. It was a horrible experience, and I am gutted I'm not pregnant anymore and we have to go through TTC again and then nervously wait til we reach 12 weeks. But us girls must stay positive and hopefully I will have the little baby I've been waiting for for so many years, and you will have a little brother or sister for your DS.

more hugs to all xx

[coxy3005]

Hi temm just wanted to say I hadn't ignored you I posted my story and didn't have any replies for a couple of days so gave up looking for a couple days then logged on and found your story on my thread and it was so like mine it made me cry!! I did reply to say thank you but you obviously got bored of looking by then too! Bit like you I've been waiting for someone to respond cos I'm feeling quite low and. Blowing things out of proportion. I only really log on here in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep (oh god I'm rambling) anyway just to say I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so very sorry that I wasn't there to give you words of support when you really needed it I know how it feels

Take care coxy3005
Xxxxx

[anniebigpants]

So sorry to Temm and anyone else suffering a mc . I have had 3 losses, 2 early mc,s before DS and a mmc in January this year, picked up at my 12 week nuchal scan. Like Temm i ended up at An E due to heavy blood loss and my little angel was removed using forceps with no pain relief offered, i was put on a general gynae ward for the night, where i cried all night to myself. The grief does lift, though due dates are awful, im going to release a helium balloon with a note attached telling my angel how much i love and miss it.
There is hope after mc, im now almost 15 weeks pregnant, and so far so good.

[temm09]

Oh Coxy I'm so sorry! I did see your reply and had not yet replied back to you - too busy feeding my MN addiction of pouring over everyone's sad MC stories, and then I managed to stay away from MN for almost two days - progress! I'm sorry you are feeling low and hope by now you are on the next up - and that soon the rollercoaster will level out. All these up and down emotions are awful aren't they. I feel like I'm moving on a little, more accepting and getting a bit stronger - I managed to leave the house for quite a few hours today, a proper outing, which felt good, although I crashed out for a few hours when I got home, dead to the world. Crazy how much this takes it out of you! And by the sounds of everyone else's experience this could go on for a while.
It's funny how similar some of our stories are - thanks again for posting and inspiring me to share my story. It's been so helpful to be talking to everyone on MN (even if it has become addictive!). Please keep posting and reaching out... we're all here for each other.
xx

[temm09]

Anniebigpants that's fab news that you are almost 15 weeks pregnant - there is hope! I wish you all the best and hope your pregnancy continues to go well. I'm sorry though that you are still feeling your loss in such a big way. Our stories are very similar, it's just awful that there isn't any emotional support for us women at that critical time, and we're just left there all on our own. Just hideous that we aren't allowed to have our partners with us. The nurse who told me my partner could only come if I really needed something, and then only for a very short time, was really mean. I was horrified and looked away trying not to cry and she said 'well everyone here would like to have their loved ones with them but we couldn't have that could we?' and I just wanted to yell 'I've had a miscarriage and I don't know what's going to happen next and it's my birthday you B*TCH' but was too sad to say anything at all.
Oh well, onwards and upwards...!
xx

[Chocolatepenny]

Yes all the messages are great I think the best way to get through is to talk about it with others who have been through it too.x

[Chocolatepenny]

Yes all the messages are great I think the best way to get through is to talk about it with others who have been through it too.x

[JustShaggy]

Hi temm09 - so sorry to hear about your ordeal. I learned last week thurs my baby had died at 6 weeks and have another scan on Thurs before they give me the surgical procedure on Fri morning.

So, I'm in that limbo phase where I know the baby has died, and hoping like hell a natural miscarriage doesn't kick in before because I just can't handle any more grief, pain and stress. Every speck of blood since then sends me into full on terror mode. It's actually a living nightmare.

I was wondering from your post (and from another where you mentioned your mother's conservative religious views) if you were South African and going through this in the UK away from home? If so - its not so lekker... is it! x.

[temm09]

Hi JustShaggy - you've got me sussed and nee, dis nie so lekker nie! But obviously I have more support here than I do back home (although my siblings are pretty supportive, especially my brother who's still here on his visit).

I'm so sorry to hear about your MC. It must be awful to find out at a scan, or did you have an idea that all was not well? I hope for your sake that the bleeding doesn't start. It is so mean to make you wait. Keep strong - and keep a good supply of massive pads and paracetamol and ibuprofen nearby.

There was another thread about what to expect when waiting for a natural MC, which I am sure you read - oh, I was just going to paste a link to it and I see you are on it. My DP thought it would be quite scary to read the descriptions if you haven't already gone through it. Just read your post there and sounds like you have been through a really tough time already, and have been really let down by the NHS. It might be time to start screaming and creating a stink - at your GPs or on the NHS helpline or wherever else. Actually that probably won't be the right approach, but someone needs to throw you a bone and help you out! It might be worth changing docs as I have been quite comforted by the GPs I have seen. You're halfway to Friday and hopefully the worst will soon be over. Fingers are crossed for you.

Best of luck to you. Let me know how you get on and shout if you need a shoulder to cry on - or scream on! xx

[JustShaggy]

I'm from Southern Africa too - won't say which country because it could undermine my anonymity here - but I lived in SA for a while. I think because I am from there I prefer the unvarnished truth. I can't stand being powerless.

I haven't told anyone about what I going through except for my immediate family back home and one friend back home (and of course DH). All are profoundly shocked by how differently things are dealt with here compared to there - using words like 'barbaric' and 'primitive' - which is funny considering this is one of world's strongest economies compared to where I come from.

But also not so funny, because their frustration at the system is beginning to feel like they think that I haven't shouted/screamed/pushed enough because if I had, I would be getting a better deal. When I am sick I am at my most vulnerable ... very hard to toss toys feeling like this.

DH is saying next pregnancy I should travel home for care (his elderly parents have both been forced to go private for medical care recently because NHS was taking so long so he has lost his deeply held treasured beliefs in NHS. My experience is final straw for him). My parents in a total state of worry for me and talking about trying to get me international medical aid so we have more control over level of medical care given. I'm not convinced it'll make a difference or even be affordable...

Anyway, it's a moot point - at the moment I am hostage to a situation I have no control over so just trying to psychologically prepare myself for whatever happens.

I was curious to know if you had had similar frustrations? It's hard to discuss this with British friends because this is the only experience of medical care they've ever had so don't really know it could be very different. Also, the smallest criticism of NHS isn't always seen as a way of improving things or a justifiable response to poor service, but more like you swore big vulgar swear words at the top of your voice in church. So I tend to keep my mouth shut (will probably be flamed for this post but I just don't care anymore!)

I actually feel traumatised by the process - spent most of the day on the phone trying to bring my procedure forwards to immediately after my scan on Thurs because it occured to me if I waited until Thurs to tell them what I wanted, I'd only be unhelpfully told THEN 'oh no, there's a two/three week queue for procedure'. That would have been the end of me....

Thank God I did, because the first available slot (by asking TODAY) was already Tues next week - i.e. another nightmare weekend to get through. Friday came up because of a cancellation and I was phoned because I asked to be put on a cancellation waiting list - I assume some poor soul miscarried while she waited and waited and waited for help. This is something my DH is trying to tell me I need to prepare myself for - having to cancel as well because there's big chance I won't make it until then.

Only 4 more (sleepless) sleeps to try get through - I have circles under my eyes the size of saucers.