My husband has suddenly announced he blames me for miscarriage - HELP!

(14 Posts)
quackers Fri 18-Apr-03 08:20:08

I had a miscarriage over 5 weeks ago. I've had lots of complications since and yesterday they did a scan and found products still remaining even after ERPC. They have given strong anti biotics and the bleeding does actually seem to be less today.
This morning my husband who is in the middle of final exams for accountancy announced he blames me! He said I lifted our 2 yr old too often. I don't know whether this is stress from the exams coming out or really does blame me as this has not arisen before. Has anyone experienced this from their husband? I feel bad enough without hearing that from a normally very supportive and loving husband.

Chiccadum Fri 18-Apr-03 08:28:13

Oh qauckers how awful for you, he is totally in the wrong for saying that to you, as you say if he is normally very supportive and loving it may well be because he is stressed with his exams but it is still no reason to say such a horrible thing, wait until the exams are over and the stress has lifted then sit and have a talk to him and tell him how hurt and upset you are by his thoughtless comment, maybe he isn't dealing with the grief as well as you or he thought, I hope you manage to sort things out soon. HTH

WideWebWitch Fri 18-Apr-03 08:38:25

WHAT?!!!! This is awful and of *course* it's making you feel worse quackers. Of course it wasn't your fault - I'm really sorry that he's being so insensitive, not to mention unreasonable, it's completely out of order. Sorry, no advice and if I told you how I would deal with it I don't think it would be very constructive but you have my sympathy. I'm sure someone else will be able to give you some facts to share with your dh. I hope you start to feel better soon but it so sounds as if this is NOT what you need atm.

hmb Fri 18-Apr-03 09:00:56

I don't want to comment of your dh. But I will say just one thing. It *wasn't* anything that you did. Please *don't * feel guilty, as you have enough pain to cope with. Please take the greatest care of yourself. Poor you.

Wills Fri 18-Apr-03 09:35:05

Quackers - as the others have said - its not your fault. Sometimes there are no answers that we can find as to why it happened although we look for something to blame. I'm not excusing your husband's comment at all - if my dh had said that to me it would have completely crushed me - but... given his exams and the fact that he too is probably mourning as well I hope for his sake that it was probably a stupid comment. If you can think about it rationally - not only would suddenly not picking up your 2yr old hurt and confuse your 2 yr old but if that baby had been strong enough to survive a pregnancy + labour then you using some muscles to pick up your 2yr old would have done nothing. Trust me it doesn't stop the fear, I'm now 21 wks and there are days when I get dreadful stiches and I lie awake thinking oh gosh I've overdone it, picked up too much etc. The little one proceeds to find the sorest spot and kick it anyway and gradually, very gradually I'm coming to the conclusion that when I've carried my 3yr old around too much - its only hurt one person... me.

I don't know but could it be that he needs to talk, needs to express his own hurt at this awful loss? My dh comes out with stupid comments and instead of giving them a good airing and realising how stupid they are he sits on them and lets them get far worse. Given his comments I'd aim him at a close friend rather than taking it on your own shoulders, you probably have quite enough to cope with especially given that antibiotics also take it out of you.

Just to re-iterate. THIS ONE WAS NOT MEANT TO BE AND NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS. Sending you loads and loads of cyber hugs XXXX

Wills Fri 18-Apr-03 09:35:09

Quackers - as the others have said - its not your fault. Sometimes there are no answers that we can find as to why it happened although we look for something to blame. I'm not excusing your husband's comment at all - if my dh had said that to me it would have completely crushed me - but... given his exams and the fact that he too is probably mourning as well I hope for his sake that it was probably a stupid comment. If you can think about it rationally - not only would suddenly not picking up your 2yr old hurt and confuse your 2 yr old but if that baby had been strong enough to survive a pregnancy + labour then you using some muscles to pick up your 2yr old would have done nothing. Trust me it doesn't stop the fear, I'm now 21 wks and there are days when I get dreadful stiches and I lie awake thinking oh gosh I've overdone it, picked up too much etc. The little one proceeds to find the sorest spot and kick it anyway and gradually, very gradually I'm coming to the conclusion that when I've carried my 3yr old around too much - its only hurt one person... me.

I don't know but could it be that he needs to talk, needs to express his own hurt at this awful loss? My dh comes out with stupid comments and instead of giving them a good airing and realising how stupid they are he sits on them and lets them get far worse. Given his comments I'd aim him at a close friend rather than taking it on your own shoulders, you probably have quite enough to cope with especially given that antibiotics also take it out of you.

Just to re-iterate. THIS ONE WAS NOT MEANT TO BE AND NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS. Sending you loads and loads of cyber hugs XXXX

Katherine Fri 18-Apr-03 09:47:41

Quackers this is a horrible thing to go through without having this burden placed upon you. As everyone has said there is no way it is your fault as as for it being due to picking up a child - well if that were the case no-one would ever get to have a second. I am expecting no.3 and have been known to struggle with the other two sometimes. You just don't get a choice. You most likely lost your baby because there was something wrong with it, natures cruel way, and nothing you did could have prevented that. One in 5 pg end this sad way.

As for your not so "D" H. Well OK he is under a lot of pressure and as others have said proably grieving too. But still no excuse. You will not forget those words and they will haunt you through your next pg which will be hard enough anyway. He needs to realised what a terrible thing he has done. However I do wonder how it was said. Was he lashing out, was it said with meaning, or was it like those thousands of other insensitive comments people make "Take it easy after last time" " Now don't go doing to much" "Should you be doing that" etc etc. said by all sorts of people from families and neighbours to complete strangers who mean well but don't really register that in saying it they are implying it was your fault. Was your DH actually thinking about the whys and trying to make sense of it.

People have a natural tendency to look for reasons why things happen. To think something is down to chance or something you can't control is far more scary as it means it might happen again. Blaming something concrete that you can control, like lifting a child gives a sense of control over the future. It may be that you DH was trying to reassure himself that if this was the cause, then as long as he helps out more next time you will be OK. Of course it all depends on the context in which it was said and how it was meant. Not an easy thing to work out when you are both upset.

I feel really angry on your behalf but I also think that the husband is often neglected in grief. I suppose given that you both need to support one another you should try to be big about it and let it pass, perhaps mentioning how hurtful it was sometime in the future when things are calmer. I think to be honest you both need to give one another a big cuddle and probably a cry together. Explain to him that you need to know he will be there for next time and not making you even more scared than you will be already. Cyber hugs.

zebra Fri 18-Apr-03 10:00:22

Quackers: make your husband read this link: http://www.parentsplace.com/expert/midwife/qas/0,,166390_113048,00.html, if he doesn't believe us. And tell him he owes you a HUGE apology.

Ghosty Fri 18-Apr-03 11:10:18

Oh Quackers .... I know that I would be crushed if my DH so much as hinted at such a thing. I had an m/c in November at 12 weeks and it was hard enough to convince MYSELF that it was not my fault let alone having DH blame me aswell ... As my doctor said 98% of miscarriages are due to a chromosomal or other kind problem with the fetus that would have been there from conception and it is nature's way for the pregnancy not to go further.
Please ask your DH to read up about it for himself so that he can see that it was nothing YOU did that caused you to miscarry. I asked my DH to read some stuff on some websites so that he could understand about it and he did ... the reason I asked him to is because he is not the best communicator and is best of digesting facts on his own ...
Tell your DH that if picking up a two year old caused it then how in the hell did people manage to have 6/8/10 children all 18 months apart in the old days? FWIW my mother had 4 children in less than 5 years and if lifting up toddlers caused miscarriages I would not be typing today!!!!!!!!!!
Please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF .... What your DH says is simply NOT TRUE!! Be good to yourself ... you need time to grieve and to recover from this .... thinking of you XXXXX love Ghosty

Marina Fri 18-Apr-03 19:18:10

Cannot add to all the kind and wise words here Quackers, except that both those of us who have lost a baby and those of us who haven't know he is talking nonsense and know how deeply those words must have hurt you. Lifting a 2 year old will not cause a viable pregnancy to fail. Maybe in his grief he was casting around to find a reason and just did not think before he opened his big mouth? Men do this...a lot. Hope you are feeling physically better soon and huge commiserations on your loss.

quackers Sat 19-Apr-03 08:14:16

I am amazed at the response this has given! You are all wonderful and thankyou for your support and re-assurance. I felt I had to tell you about this because I was so surprised he'd acted like this - it was so out of character. Yesterday he sat down with a coffee and said he had to get that off his chest and talk about why it had happened. I suppose we had never discussed why. I think it has hit him harder than I thought. He felt that everyone had neglected his loss as I have had so many scans, visits to hospital and tests it's all been centered on me. I'm really hoping that the physical side of this is coming to an end. I have hardly bled since yesterday morning! The antibiotics must be working!!
Wills - take it easy!!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
He is going to look at the link and some of websites about miscarriage - thanks Zebra.
Thanks again, love to all. xxxxx

bundle Sat 19-Apr-03 10:55:19

Quackers, couldn't agree more with the kind comments on here. when I went for an amnio for my current pregnancy, I asked my consultant re: picking up my 2 yr old dd following the procedure (I understand she has a near 100% success rate with her amnios) and she said well you can't avoid picking up a toddler, but I wouldn't take her swimming today and charge down the flume with her! 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and mostly early ones like yours, with no one to blame and often little to go on with regards to what caused it. i feel very cross with your husband. very cross.
Glad you're feeling a bit better. x

MaVictoria Mon 28-Apr-03 17:07:46

I have only just read about your miscarriage and your husbands initial response, however i am glad that you sorted things out and had that discussion. I miscarried just over 3 years ago at 12 weeks and it was painful and emotional for me.
I didn't have a toddler at the time, although now at 31+ weeks pregnant i have a almost 3 year old who is solid and stocky built (9lbs 10oz at birth!) so u can imagine how heavy he is. I have had to pick him up all through my pregnancy, and its even worse now as i have the extra weight i have put on and the baby/placenta/water, and it fortunately hasn't brought on a miscarriage. I do hope that your husband has come to terms with it and doesn't still blame you because these things happen to us without logical reasons. Hope you both come through this stronger with each others support, i had no one to share my pain with at the time. Good luck and take care...hope sharing my experience makes a difference to you both in a positive way.

quackers Tue 29-Apr-03 09:04:09

Thanks Ma Victoria, I was reading your another thread and came across a message from you about your third baby. It brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to give you a big hug! I'm touched that you replied and wanted to say keep in touch with all of us on Mumsnet. I think I'm addicted though!
Since my last posting on this thread I have stopped bleeding, which after 6 weeks is SUCH a relief and I think I got my period yesterday although it has been quite light after the first couple of hours. We seem to have got over the worst now and have even managed to 'endulge 'a little shall I say. I am eager to try for another and wish you all the best for you and your family! You sound quite a sensitive and caring person with lots of life experiences to share like alot on Mumsnet I suppose. that's why it's so good. There's always someone who has had similar things happen!
Hugsxxxx

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