loss of one twin in 1st trimester...

(22 Posts)
choklit Thu 12-Mar-09 02:02:38

I am finding this incredibly hard to deal with. I know that I have one baby still and so have been told I'm 'lucky'. I don't feel like that though. Finding it very hard to grieve for our loss and also continue to feel excitement about the continuing pregnancy. I am very up and down. Had been feeling ok and then it seems to hit me again and the pain is as raw. Has anyone any experience of this? I am finding it vey difficult to put into words.

Hello. I've not had a similar experience, but didn't want to see your post go unanswered for long as I know you're looking for a bit of support.

I think you have to let yourself grieve for your lost baby as you would any other; you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about it or try and convince yourself that you are lucky. Losing a baby in my book could never be described as lucky; it's a catastrophe for you and you need to come to terms with it in your own time.

I hope some wiser people than me will come and offer you better advice. But in the meantime I send you lots of virtual sympathy and a hug.

choklit Thu 12-Mar-09 08:54:37

thanks for your kind message, Cat.

kissmummy Thu 12-Mar-09 11:12:06

hi, poor you. i don't have any similar experiences but remember reading a beautiful and moving article in the Mail on Sunday's You magazine, written by a lady who lost one of her twins during pregnancy. you might be able to find it on the web - it was only a month or so ago. be prepared for your moods to go up and down - i've had very delayed reactions to some of my miscarriages, where i've thought i was fine, then it hit me later. i'm sure there will be someone along soon who's gone through the same thing

hermionegrangerat34 Thu 12-Mar-09 11:18:51

Haven't had this myself but it did happen to a friend of mine. Your reaction sounds entirely understandable and very normal. I'm sure you'll come to be excited and happy again about the remaining baby in time (when it starts moving probably), but for now of course you are grieving the loss of what might have been.
Mind you, twins are hard work!!

kissmummy Thu 12-Mar-09 22:24:54

i'm sure just now you would give anything to have that hard work ahead of you. i hope you find someone who has gone through the same thing. the miscarriage association might be able to offer more support

nikkiNov1986 Thu 12-Mar-09 22:33:10

Hi all, new at this, miscarriaged on valentines day 2009, was so hard because been trying for over two years, I was 10 and half weeks, complete miscarriage, when can I start again, was on clomid and fell pregnant after finished course and was waiting to start new one.

Firepile Thu 12-Mar-09 23:28:48

Hi Chocklit,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I was devastated when this happened to me nearly 4 years ago, and remember being absolutely furious with people who were telling me that I was lucky to still be pregnant.

I found that I really needed to give myself space to grieve for my lost baby, and not to even think about the continuing pregnancy for a few weeks. I felt really strongly that I had wanted and loved the lost baby, and that it wasn't worth less than a "normal" miscarriage just because it had been one of two.

I also found it really hard to be positive about the ongoing pregnancy, because my faith in a good outcome had been shaken.

KM's point about being up and down chimes wiith my experience, too. Grief kept creeping up on me in the pregnancy, and I really worried that it would make it harder for me to bond with my surviving twin. (It didn't, but I was so scared that it would).

The thing is that this is still a pretty unusual thing, and there's precious little information or support for coping with a situation where you have both suffered a loss and have an ongoing pregnancy. I got lots of support from my local assisted conception unit (my pregnancy was via ICSI), and the SANDS helpline - 020 7436 5881 / helpline@uk-sands.org was also brilliant.

The Miscarriage Asssociation might also be helpful to contact.

Even if your pregnancy wasn't assisted, it might be worth ringing the local unit because vanished twins are more common in ivf, and they might have access to useful resources.

All the very best for the next wee while.

choklit Fri 13-Mar-09 01:46:28

Thanks for your messages.

Firepile, it is reassuring to hear from someone that can relate to me (but I'm sorry it is this which we have in common).It is reassuring to hear that you did bond with your baby as in part I am not looking forward to the birth.

The pregnancy was unassisted and so although I didn't set out to conceive twins , it is now what I really yearn to have. Having 'only' 1 leaves me feeling empty. I had been feeling ok about it but the grief has hit me again.
I do have a fantastic GP though which is good.

Firepile Fri 13-Mar-09 03:18:09

Oh Choklit,

I'm glad to hear that you have a good GP. Depending on how you feel, he or she may be able to refer you to other support (grief groups, or stress in pregnancy-type services). I didn't use any "professional" services, but I can see how they might have been helpful.

I think what you are describing is the way that grief often works for people - it certainly sounds very familiar to me. I was surprised that the sadness did keep coming back when I wasn't expecting it. For me, it seemed to get a bit less intense each time, but it was still very powerful - and sometimes it wasn't even until I started to talk about it that I realised that the grief was back (I would typically be a bit irrational about something and only when trying to talk about it, realise that it was because it had reminded about the lost baby in some way).

I became very upset one day at my ante-natal class. I explained what had happened to a midwife afterwards, and I remember her saying that it didn't matter how many babies I ended up with, I would always be a mother of twins. It really made me feel better to know that other people saw it that way too.

I know how hard I found it to be positive about the birth of my (single) child. Do you think you are ready to try and articulate why you are not looking forward to the birth in any more detail? (It took me a long time to get to the point where I could, by the way - well into the third trimester - so don't worry if you can't unpack this yet.)

Looking back, I think that the whole process of worrying and thinking about how losing the baby might impact on my relationship with the surviving twin was very important for me. Although it didn't feel like it at the time, it helped to make sure that I was ready to be a mother to my baby when he arrived.

How are your family and friends supporting you? How is your relationship with your babies' father?

I found that it was helpful to know that they were trying to be supportive - even though lots of them said the "wrong" thing, they were just trying their best to make things better.

choklit Mon 16-Mar-09 00:32:46

Firepile, thanks for your support. I think it is the grief hitting me in waves that has taken me a bit by surprise. I had been feeling ok-ish for a while and then it seemed to hit me again out of nowhere.
DH is great but he and I are miles apart with our feelings on this. He is supportive but not feeling it like I am and friends are well meaning but yes, they say the 'wrong' things.
GP has suggested I have some kind of extra support/counselling so I may do that.

Firepile Mon 16-Mar-09 23:39:22

Hi Choklit,

Good to hear from you, though I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. Your GP sounds really supportive - which is doubly helpful if your friends and family don't get it. (My dh sounds like he responded similarly to yours, btw. I felt a bit lonely about that.)

This is your situation, and only you can know how you feel and the support that you need. But what you have written sounds familiar to me.

I wanted to add some reassurance about the future. In my experience it doesn't always feel like it does now - the hard grief passed, and a softer sadness replaced it. And it did become possible to have joy in my surviving baby without feeling guilty, bereft or angry about the one that I lost. It might take time, though.

Please take good care of yourself.

gigglewitch Mon 16-Mar-09 23:50:07

I also lost a dt in 6th week of pg, the surviving one is my ds2, who is now 5.5, and even now at key moments such as around his birthday, I feel sad that he didn't have his twin. You are right to mourn your lost baby, you can't somehow stop people telling you how grateful you should be - I found it very difficult as the rest of that pg was very high risk and I was scanned every two weeks sad which totally wrecked my head. For me the up and down didn't settle for a long time, you can sort of reason with it at some times and just feel bereft at others. I find it comforting in some weird way that he has a guardian angel, that is the only way that I have learned to deal with it over the six years.
(((hugs))) to you. Don't feel that you have to behave how everyone else wants you to, just look after yourself. Take care.

monkeyfeet Sat 28-Mar-09 16:25:05

Hello

just started another thread but then saw this. I just found out yesterday that I was pregnant with twins but one died at 13 weeks, two weeks ago. The other one appears fine. I have a picture of both babies, just feel so awful like I did something wrong.

I hope you are ok choklit

bronze Sat 28-Mar-09 16:34:47

I lost my dds twin at 11 weeks. In some ways it was harder than anormal miscarriage as being still pregnant noone ackowledged it and I was left to continue as normal. Dh doesnt 'count' it at all which is hard.
I found that I could carry on and get excited about the other baby (dd) as we had to fight to keep her too. I seemed to find that the grief was kept kind of seperate and that its only now I really struggle, especially on hearing peoples twins news.

Sorry I havn't put any of that very well I think mainly because its still one big bundle on confused emotion.

N1ckety Sat 09-May-09 14:17:31

Hi Chocklit, I know I'm replying a bit 'late in the day' but after 3 years of fertility treatment I found out at my 9 week scan, last Thursday that one of our twins had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 5 days. The other looked okay but all the consultant could say was 'fingers crossed' for the remaining twin. Following a miscarriage in 2001 and TTC for the last 3 years this pregnancy was much wanted and I have found the loss devastating. I think any pregnancy following a miscarriage is difficult, as despite trying to keep calm you just can't help worrying, that innocent faith has been taken away from you. I personally think I need to 'forget' about my on-going pregnancy for a while (a defence mechanism?)and grieve for the little lost soul. The one good statistic that I like to keep at the back of my mind is that now that I am over 9 weeks this baby has a 98% chance of not miscarrying.

Hope all is going well or you.

Nikki

SlipOfTheTongue Mon 11-May-09 15:18:38

Hi everyone,

I too am going through this - I found out last week at my first scan not only was I carrying twins, but that one had died at 9=+1. It is so difficult to reconcile the two sides of the emotions I'm experiencing - one the one hand, I went to the scan wanting to see a wriggling baby with a healthy heartbeat and I did see that, but I also saw its twin who'd stopped growing and who looked so perfect. I've been surprised at how much this has hit me, and I don't think I'll ever really get over the loss. Especially with them being identical twins I think I'll always look at my new baby and think 'there should be another one just like you here too'.

Today I'm exactly 16 weeks pregnant, and have just felt the baby move for the first time and I'm really just trying to concentrate on getting through the rest of the pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones don't help I'm sure, as I too am very up and down.

As you said Choklit, it's so sad that we have this in common, but it's reassuring to me to hear that others feel just the same.

tommypickles Wed 13-May-09 19:04:10

Hi, i have been through the same, my son (4th child) is nearly 4 now, but he lost his twin around the 12 week scan. I too was devastated, I had always dreamt of having twins. I had also previously had 4 miscarriages and my 3rd child, a boy-Ronnie, was stillborn at 37 weeks. The pain does get less over time, you never forget and you never properly heal. You just learn to deal with it better as time goes on. So chin up hun, look to the future, you need to consentrate on the baby you have with you now. Perhaps think a name that you would have called each twin, and then give it as a middle name to the baby that I'm sure you'll give birth to being fit and healthy.

Pixle333 Wed 20-May-09 16:12:43

Hi Choklit,
I am just so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I'm the person that kissmummy talked about (wrote about it in You magazine). Ours was a different situation to yours but the twin loss side of things sounds the same for all of us. People don't 'get it' at all - as others have said, they think we're 'lucky'. I think that can often get in the way of us dealing with what we have to face. But you have support here, and I would say, too, that TAMBA BSG (Bereavement Support Group) have been fantastic and provided me with a 'listener' who has been amazing, someone who has been through it and is happy to talk about it and be there for you. It feels odd to be getting in touch with TAMBA, but if you can do it, I'd really recommend it. There's a lovely lady there called Carol Clay who will be able to help you.
Sending you so much love and strength. If you want to talk about it, please feel free to message me.
Martha
xx

Pixle333 Wed 20-May-09 16:22:58

Sorry, meant to explain that saying it feels odd to be getting in touch with TAMBA, what I mean is that it made me feel sad. But what they and others always say to me, and I say the same to you because it's important, is that all of us are twin mummies forever. Sorry, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Love to everyone
xxx

Brasiliana Thu 11-Jun-09 23:29:29

I was very upset to learn that other women have been through what I'm experiencing at the moment. I was also pregnant of twins and one could not survive, his heart has stopped at approx. 9 weeks.
Mixed feelings are all the time popping in my head and apparently the other baby is doing well.
On my first scan (10 weeks) I was told that the baby that could not survive would be reabsorbed, unfortunately today I've had another scan and the baby is still there, it is so painful to see one moving and the other one there with no movements.
As you all mentioned people just tell you how lucky you are to still have one of the little ones there, but that's not exactly the way I feel, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't stop worrying about the surviving one being fine, will he be fine until the delivery date?
Today the moses basket arrived and I was so happy to see it but at the same time a strange thought came to my mind, I thought about my other baby, all the time I have mixed feelings about this pregnancy and I'm always concerned about something that could still go wrong.
I might look for some help as I'm so upset and even my husband thinks I must get over it and stop worrying, I thought I was fine but in fact I'm not.

db240877 Mon 19-Oct-09 17:11:33

I'm so sorry for you loss.

We went for our 9wk 2nd scan today 19th Oct, we had IVF and ended up with non id twins.

We seen our little ones from very early on, and although one of the sacks was a little smaller we thought maybe it will grow a little bigger as it wasn't uncommon to have a smaller sack both twins was not much different in size, we then had another scan they had heart beats and was growing fine according to gestation dates etc.

We've just come back from Nurture clinic today 19th October and one of our twins has no heartbeat, we are 9weeks today. I'm not sure how to feel, i just feel sick I feel lucky that we still have 1 twin left but i'm so anxious now! The surviving twin is very active and was so on other scans to say how small he/she is it's a wriggler!

I've been told that i may have some bleeding / spotting, when my surviving twin gets bigger my miscarried twin will be just squashed against my insides and would gradually be absorbed by my body sounds bloody awful poor little thing!

I don't think i'll ever forget this, we've been trying for over 3 yrs i'm only 32 and for this to happen now it's sickening! I do hope my little one survives because I don't think i can handle another miscarriege.

my heart goes out all of us that have miscarried our little ones.

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