Hospital funeral for miscarried babies- anyone with any experience?

[ephrinedaily]

Hello everyone, I recently lost a baby at 17 weeks. We do not yet know why and may never know, but I already have 1 DS (prem)and have previously been told I have mild antiphospholipid antibodies - was on aspirin and folic acid for this pregnancy. Was also told this baby had quite high nuchal - 3.5mm. So it could be anything or nothing.

Anyway found out from the Counsellor that post-mortem has taken place. We requested that the baby be cremated by the hospital but we asked to collect the ashes. Initially when we lost the baby I did not want to go to the 'hospital' funeral - where all the miscarried babies from a certain time period are remembered together at a special service. I was trying to pretend it was like an early miscarriage and did not want to think of it like a baby at all. After I had to give birth to it, and I produced milk, and I have its hand & footprints, now I think it would be nice to say goodbye. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of service? Sorry for rambling on - any advice gratefully received!

[WorzselMummage]

I had quite an indepth conversation with my consultant recently about hospital funerals and he told me that all the babies would be cremated together and their ashes scattered in a garden of remembrance at the local crematorium, i wasnt given the option of keeping the ashes because my cons said they are so small there isnt much left at the end.

I am sorry for your loss, its horrid to lose a baby at ant time but 17 weeks is so cruel.

[WhatFreshHellIsThis]

Hi ephrine,

Really sorry to hear of your loss, we lost our last one at 20 weeks so have been through a similar thing. I don't know how each hospital does it but at ours you could either have the group funeral or request your own funeral, which we did. The hospital chaplain conducted a really short service at the local crematorium and the hospital were lovely, they delivered the baby to the crematorium in a tiny coffin with a rose on top. (and the lady who brought him was dressed very smartly in a long coat and a hat - it was very respectful and kind)

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go along, I felt much the same as you that I wanted to pretend it was just a miscarriage, but in the end I'm glad we did. It was just me, DP and my mum there, and it was a nice opportunity to say goodbye and draw a line under a very difficult time. I think if we hadn't done it I would have regretted it.

One of the hardest things was feeling that he was all alone after being warm and loved inside me, so we put a teddy bear inside the coffin to keep him company. I think the thought of him being with lots of other babies might have been quite a nice one, too, so maybe you could think of it like that?

Not sure if any of this helps, but sending you lots of support and hugs - it's a very difficult thing to go through but I'm living proof that you will feel better in time.

[escape]

I do have direct experience of this.
When I lost my abby at 17 weeks, the particular hospital sent the chaplain 'round who explained atht you can do whatever you want funeral wise - you can book a plot and headstone should you wish etc etc. Now I hadn't thought of it like that at all, a 'service' in any shape or form, but the Chaplain explained taht as a matter of course, and free of charge, this aprticular hospital provides coffins for the Babies. when I knew that, it made it a bit different , felt like losing a baby rather than miscarrying - saw the baby as a person, rather thana foetus etc etc.
So, we had a private service in the hospital chapel, just me, DH, and DD, with our abby there. I bought some flowers for the little coffin. Then the baby went to be cremated as a matter of course at some point over the following fortnight. we went on holiday.

Sorry for your loss.

[ephrinedaily]

Thanks very much for your replies, sorry to hear of your experiences though. I think before this happened I thought second trimester miscarriage was more rare than it actually is iyswim. I think I'll go to the funeral anyway, I would probably regret it if I didn't.

[kissmummy]

ephrine, so sorry for you. i feel like crying reading your story. i've just had my third early miscarriage myself, so am feeling a bit wobbly, but it is nothing, nothing, compared to what you have been through. hugs

[SpringBlossom]

Hi,

I lost my baby at nineteen weeks in October and he was buried as part of something called the Born too Soon scheme. This meant Elliott was buried with three other tiny babies 'born too soon' in a tiny coffin in the children's cemetery. Only myself and my partner and one other set of parents turned up but I found the whole thing absolutely vital. I had to say goodbye to my little baby - he fought so hard during a very difficult pregnancy and I had to tell the world in a letter that I read out to him how loved and wanted he had been. I found the words that the lady 'minister' read out the first comforting thing I had heard in the two weeks since I lost him - she talked about a thread that links mothers to babies forever and it's an image that's helped me over the months since.

I can never think of Elliott as 'just a miscarriage'. He was my baby; I carried him for nineteen weeks and then held him in my arms. Going to his funeral was very important part of marking what had happened to us all.

I found the whole thing a comfort. I hope, if you go, that you will too. SB

[morningsun]

i had similar altho earlier experience at 13/14 weeks asked hospital to keep baby remains and had short service at local crematorium everyone was v kind
all the best at this sad timexx

[ephrinedaily]

Just to say thank you for all your advice and to update - we had the funeral today - it turned out to be just for our baby. Short service and music playing, DP carried the coffin in and we put some flowers and a teddy on it. They had even done an order of service for us. It was very kind and you could see people had worked hard to make it as nice as possible iyswim.

Will find out in a couple of days whether there are any ashes for us - they said they will try anyway. Should find out PM results in a couple of weeks we hope. I sort of feel like I could start moving on after that.

Thanks everyone.

[SweetPea99]

Hello Ephrine,
So sorry to hear of your loss. We lost our baby girl in May last year at 20 weeks and I too found the funeral helpful (although awful - I just wanted to take that tiny little casket home with me). I have been glad, as time has gone by, that we did everything properly and gave ourselves the chance to grieve, and didn't just try to block it out.
Don't place too high an expectation on yourself to get over this - it takes time. Look after yourself.

[nikki2607]

Im so sorry to hear about your loss.
I lost my first baby when i was 18weeks preg.
After we had the post mortum we found out the sex and reason he died.
My dad is a funeral director and so his way of helping me through this very difficult time was to organise a small plot at the cemetry and we had a very small service there. (In the cemetetry they have an area where just babies are buried)
Having that service and somewhere to go and sit with Joshua was a big help for me and ive since become a mummy to a little boy and i think its important Charlie (my 7month old son) knows about Joshua.
We have a headstone there and made a little garden for him.
I hope me telling you my story has helped in some way.
Thinking of you.
x

[danie90]

hiya i need some advice
i just found out ive lost my baby at 20 weeks. Im having him on wednesday and the family wants to have a funeral but tbh i dont think i can face saying good bye to my son. I am grieving now and thinnk that if i say goodbye at a funeral it would be to tough and just kill me even more.
The hospital has said about them arranging a cremation and that i dont have to go but i dont understand it all. can anyone explain.
many thanks
danie
x

[Owlingate]

Danie I'm so sorry to hear this. This was my thread under my old name, you can see that I decided to go in the end and I felt glad I went. We didn't have to go and we didn't have to do anything at all to prepare. We didn't have anyone else there either. So it wasn't like the traditional funeral you may be imagining.

To be honest I don't think the funeral can make you feel worse than you do now, but I would leave any decision making until after Wednesday, you may feel differently then.

Please ask at the hospital whether there are any bereavement midwives or women's health counsellors you can speak to, I found them really really helpful about this sort of thing.

I remember reading on here somewhere at the time that what you're experiencing now isn't something you'll get over, but one day you will feel better than you do now and you will be able to function again, its like a scar healing over a wound. You'll never forget this but it won't be as painful to remember.

Will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

[cece]

Our baby was born at 18 weeks.

At the service she was in a small white box with a brass plaque on the lid with her name on.

The hospital vicar performed a short service and then the coffins were taken to be cremated.

Our hosptial does up to 4 babies at a time.

Our crematorium has not got a 24 hours furnace so it is left to cool down nightly. This enables them to cremate the tiny babies then, so there is a greater chance of getting some ashes. I have a small box with them in. We did have the option of scattering them in the chidlren's garden at the crematorium. I chose to bring her home and she is in a box with her scan photos and other memories.

[Cadmum]

Our only late loss in the UK was twins at 17 weeks.

Both dh and I felt unprepared to have two tiny white coffins at the funeral. We should have asked more questions.

There was a lovely private service and we were given the option to do a reading or say anything we wished. Our dcs and one of my friends attended with us.

We do have still have their ashes in one container as requested. I have mixed feelings about having the ashes because the twins were my third second trimester loss and I don't have the remains of the first two. We have sadly gone on to lose another little boy at nearly 21 weeks and his remains are in a special section of the cemetery in Lausanne, Switzerland...

[pink4ever]

Hi
god this thread is bringing back so many sad memories but couldnt not post. I have sadly lost 3 babies in the 2nd trimester(19,24 and 28 wks). With the first two we arranged our own funeral and had them buried at local cemetary. However when we lost the 3rd baby(only 6 months after stillborn at 28 wks) we simply couldnt face doing it again(both emotionally and physically done in) so asked hospital to do it. I am sure I expressed a preference for him to be buried(my head was all over the place?) and on the actual day a lovely lady phoned and told me where and what time it would take place(we didnt go).
Tbh I really regret now that we didnt have him buried with his brothers. I felt that a lot of people(ie family) didnt take this loss seriously as was only 19 weeks.
I am so sorry for your loss and hope you can find a way to get through it.

[lilpenxx]

hello.
I lost my baby 3 weeks ago I was 15 weeks pregnant and I have been told that the hospital do a mass funeral but I really do not want that does anyone no how I can go about doing a funeral my self im stuck at a dead end and don't no where to start.
I am truly sorry to hear all of your story's and hope you are all dealing with the loss as best you can.

[BBB81]

Lilpen, I am sure if you contact your hospital they will be able to help you. I had a funeral arranged by the hospital for my baby but it was not a mass funeral, just for my baby, I think my hospital offered both. I would call the ward where you were when you lost your baby and ask for their advice. 3 weeks is very recent and it must be very hard still. Sending you lots of love xxx