Should I find out about the fetus?

[MrsSmithJones]

I am in week 14, carrying a fetus that has a chromosome problem and won't survive to birth. I have been bleeding for a couple of days now, and think this might be the start of an inevitable MC.

When I miscarry, should I look at the fetus? Should I find out its sex?

Any advice or shared experiences would help me a lot. Thank you.

[bodiddly]

Sorry to hear your news ... I have no personal experience of this but to be honest I don't think I would want to know even if it is possible.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Sorry for your loss - but you wouldn't be able to tell the sex and at 14 weeks the fetus won't look much like a term baby. Also, sorry, you probably don't want to hear this but you may not get an entire fetus in one go.

[whitenoise]

Sorry to hear your news.

Have you been given any advice from the hospital about what to do?

I wish i hadn't looked when i m/c. That image haunts me every day

[ephrinedaily]

MrsSmithJones

I have just miscarried a baby last week at 17 weeks. Baby died the day before I gave birth. Chose not to look. They have taken photos which they will keep on file for 25 years should I change my mind. The baby was big enough to do hand and footprints which were tiny but so lovely to have. I hope one or both of these options will be available to you. This is not a decision you have to make now in the midst of all the pain and horror you must be suffering.

Please come back on and tell me how the hospital are planning to manage your miscarriage and I will give you any other advice I can.

The one thing I will say is for me the anticipation of giving birth to the baby was very much worse than the reality which was actually very calm and peaceful and bittersweet.

As for the scan, on my last scan when the baby had died on Monday they were unable to see the sex as baby had dropped down. It may be possible afterwards although I have not yet asked, probably for the same reasons as you in that it seems to make the baby more real.

Also if you consent to any postmortem or genetic / karotype sort of testing on the baby, the sex of the baby may well be seen from this - it seems certain that mine will anyway.

My thoughts are with you.

[silentlywondering]

I miscarried last year in hospital where they insisted you used bed pans so they could monitor loss and wish I hadn't looked I still get upset.

[hobnob57]

ephrinedaily I couldn't not reply to your thread after keeping up with the July antenatal board. MrsSJ too - I'm SO sorry for what you're going through - please take extra special care of yourself and don't expect to get better too soon. Big warm hugs.

I lost my LO at 9 weeks, but it only measured 7.5. Sometimes I wish I'd seen it, but mostly I think the clinical approach of the erpc I had suited me to treat the mmc as a natural 'mistake' and move on. But I can so understand this mindset not being appropriate after the 1st trimester.

Good luck to you both, and take support from wherever you can find it. xx

[babaduck]

Oh MrsSJ, I'm so sorry. I've been there 4 times. I never had the opportunity to "look", I had an ERPC each time, but I did long to know whether they were boys or girls. And would love to have seen. And for a long time I longed longed longed for something "tangible" iykwim. I don't know if it would have made a diference to my grief, but I imagine it would have. I have met others who have had MCs where there was a complete foetus, I think most felt it helped to view. My own mother had a late enough MC, a boy, I think it helped her to look. But this is not for everyone. I would say take it easy, see what happens and how you are feeling. My thoughts are with you.

[MrsSmithJones]

Thank you for all the lovely messages with advice and support.

The nurse said that most people who look are glad that they did, and most people who don't look regret it afterwards. But maybe I fall into the minority who look and regret it.

I like the idea of the hospital taking a picture and information that I can look at in my own time, and maybe this is the best option for me, especially so if the fetus is incomplete. I'm not sure what to do if it doesn't happen in hospital.

Thank you again.

MrsSJ

[whitenoise]

MrsSJ,

i had a natural m/c at home (well i was elsewhere when i lost the baby and placenta) so i don't know what its like in hosp. I am glad i looked in a way - i knew that the baby had gone then but i wish i hadn't seen what i had done. Does that make sense? It was as if i had been waiting for that point to finally accept that i was actually miscarrying, despite the scan saying that the baby had died.

Have you got anyone around in RL who is supportive?

[ephrinedaily]

Mrs Smith Jones, sorry I haven't been back on in a little while. I hope the hospital are keeping you under observation - if you would like to have the baby in hospital, at 14 weeks you may be able to get there in time - i.e you should get the pain / heavy bleeding / loss of waters in time to get down there so you can be given decent pain relief and care.

Sorry this may be painful for you to read - have the hospital said whether the baby is likely to die inside you? If the baby dies and you don't go in to labour then the hospital should be able to keep you in whilst they induce labour.

Please let us know how you are doing. Ask for everything you want and need from the hospital even if they tell you its not how they usually do things.

[extremelychocolateymilkroll]

I had a missed miscarriage in Dec 05. Because I had fibroids I couldn't have a DNC. I started bleeding the day after the scan. A week later I was given tablet for a medical miscarriage. I then lost my little bean the next day. The scan showed that my bean had stopped growing at 6-7 weeks. During this time I had been reading a book by Prof Lesley Regan Miscarriage What Every Woman Needs to Know. Because I had read it in the book, when I passed my bean we collected it and sent it to The Doctor's Lab who analaysed and let me know that there had been a chromosomal abnormality but nothing to indicate I would be any more likely to have another miscarriage. When the bean did pass away it was like a very bad period pain. I found it comforting to find out why it had happened and to know that it didn't indicate that I was any more likely to have another miscarriage.

[MrsSmithJones]

I have just taken the first pill for a medical MC. It's nearly time, and to know when it is going to happen is comforting.

My husband will look and wants to find out the sex. I still think that it will be too hard to look, but I might change my mind. I am still quite undecided.

At least with my husband there, I keep the option open of finding out something about it some time in the future.

Please keep posting your suggestions on whether to look or not. I will keep reading as long as I can get to a computer, but may not post again until it's all over.

[deanychip]

I have had 3 mcs.
I didnt see anything with any of them, but i felt it when passing them.
They wanted me to use a bedpan, but i used the loo, and flushed.

It never occurred to me to look, couldnt see anything, too much blood.

In my mind, my 1st was a little girl, 2nd a girl and 3rd a boy. In my mind and gut i kind of knew without actually knowing iyswim.

I got a text off a friend at the time of the 2nd. It said
"An angel looked in the book of life
to find my babies date of birth,
then gently closed that book of life and whispered, too precious for this earth"

For some one to acnowledge that i was having a baby was very comforting.

[Habbibu]

Not quite the same, but I delivered dd1 at 21 weeks. She had anencephaly, which means the top of her skull was missing, and some of the upper brain tissue.

I knew I wanted to see her, but I was afraid about thinking about looking at her head. When she was born I made the choice to look very carefully at all of her, her poor wee head especially, and I'm really really glad I did. I know 21 weeks is very different to 14, so I can't say what I think you should do, but for me it was a very positive experience in a very sad time.

[quint]

I'm afraid I have no advice, but whatever you decide will be the right decision for you

[monkeybumsmum]

MrsSJ, I'm so sorry for what you're going through

I'm afraid I can't help with regard to whether you should look or not as I had ERPC's. I will say that after the last mc I did find out the sex from the tests they carried out. I found it, and still find it, comforting to know what it was. I tortured myself imagining what it would have looked like, and so maybe if I had been given the chance to see I would've taken it.
Knowing the sex helped so much as then rather than just a baby, it became my little boy/girl. DH has never wanted to know what it was, and so it is my own little link to the baby we lost.

I wish you strength going through this awfully sad and difficult time x

[nikki2607]

Im so sorry to hear what you are going through.
Im new on here but felt it might help you in some way to hear my story.
I had a missed misscarriage when i was 18weeks preg with my first baby. The scan showed the baby had died at 16weeks.
I had to go into the hospital where they gave me a tablet to help me lose the baby. This didnt work so unfortunaltely i had to go in and be induced as if i was having a full term baby. Went through a mini labour.
I decided not to see the baby however my mum did see him.
We had a post mortum on the baby and found in had a chromosome problem. (3 sets rather than two) From conception he had no chance in life.
As i have mentioned i did decide to find out the sex of the baby. Some ppl may find this weird or hard to understand but it helped me accept my baby i had lost. I named him Joshua. This helped me accept that he was a baby and not just a pregnancy.
Everybody is differnt in the way they deal with a lose of a baby which is why i wanted to tell you how i did.
Im now a mummy to a 6month old little boy.
The most important thing to rememeber is to never blame yourself for this happening.
I hipe this has helped you in some way.
Thinking about you.
x

[wintersnowman]

Hello

I have never posted on these boards before and am not really quite sure of the etiquette so apologies if i appear rude.

In response to the initial question;
We chose not to look at the baby but the staff took photos and dressed the baby, placed in a moses basket in the same room as us so we could have a religious blessing. This really helped us to say goodbye.

Nikki2607 and ephrinedaily- i found your words really helpful. Reading everyone's experiences is so sad but comforting that people are going through the same and have come out the other side.

We lost our baby at 17 weeks, nearly 3 weeks ago. Complete shock. Always believed once past the magical 13 weeks all would be fine. First scan at 11weeks showed all well. Then i just went to routine midwife appointment and no heartbeat. Had had no warning signs. Hosp confirmed baby had died a day or so before but from the scan the baby looked perfect, all organs, placenta etc ok, which in some ways i have found harder to accept. The hospital were great and gave me a memory box of footprints etc. I am off for counselling this week as in my irrational moments i believe the baby may have still been alive and i killed it by taking all the tablets to induce labour in hospital.

This all happened the day before my daughters first birthday so we have living proof that the system can work but all anyone says to try and comfort us, is how lucky we are to have her. We are truly blessed but i so wanted the other baby too and am really devasted as know what i am missing. 2 friends are also due with their second babies within 3 weeks of what would have been my due date which is hard.

Really hoping the post mortem results will give us some closure. i feel i cannot move on at present but equally i just want to get back to work and "normal" life again and get pregnant again asap. am still bleeding so no chance of that for a while yet and i find the bleeding is a horrid reminder of all that has happened.

I know everyone is different but how long was it before you were able to return to work?

[Habbibu]

So sorry that you lost your baby, wintersnowman. It's such a hard thing to deal with, and such a horrible shock.

I took about 6 weeks off work in total - I really wasn't ready to go back before that. As our daughter had had a neural tube defect, I had to take high dose folic acid for 3 months before we could try again. Although I hated having to wait, in hindsight I'm glad, as it gave us just a little time out to catch our breath, iyswim? dd2 was born safe and well the following year.