Need a sympathetic ear today

[banjaxed]

I'm afraid I really need a moan tonight. I had a mmc in early December, and coped pretty well with it, but now we're back to ttc I'm falling apart . I was going to post on conception board, but I don't want to depress them all.

I know I'm asking rhetorical questions here, which have been asked in desperation many times, but I just feel I need to get this stuff off my chest and I've no friends who have been through this before. Do you ever feel like the world is conspiring against you? I conceived no problems the first time, but with a very difficult baby (reflux, multiple intolerances), an emcs, prolonged SPD and a knackered DH it took us a while to come round to thinking about #2. DH is is slow to commit to things anyway, so I feel it has been an uphill struggle on that front to allow himself to actually admit he wants another one. Meanwhile friends everywhere seem to be popping sprogs merrily.

So, we began last May and I had a v early mc in July. Followed by two chemical pregnancies. Followed by my mmc in December. Each time, I've had to ask for DH's cooperation for BD. He generally wants it when I have my period or am still bleeding after mc, but never seems to at ov time. In fact, I swear at least every other month he has a virus which puts him in bear-with-a-sore-head mode, which he is in at the moment.

I'm desperate to conceive again, and also keen that I don't have another December baby (dd is dec, so is DH and I'm late Nov). I'm worried about age gaps, time ticking on and viable eggs. I'm worried about my cycle (seemed to ov at expected time after mmc, but this month I'm on CD19 and still don't appear to have ov'd), and I'm worried about my mental health. Is this just post mc hormones? How long did it take you kind souls to feel balanced again? I thought I was, but this ov business and added stress of uncooperative DH is driving me to question my sanity. Is it normal to fear the worst for your fertility yet know that the statistics speak for themselves? I just can't seem to rationalise my hormones and my head at the moment.

Sorry for the self-indulgent rant.

[teachertalk]

Hello banjaxed.

A lot of what you are saying rings a bell with me. I am 37 and have had 4 mmc's ( going through last one as we speak - although seems to be hanging on in there).

I have a 5 year old son - easily conceived ,no problems in pg, etc ,etc. He was not a good sleeper and I def had pn depression (in hind sight) and found baby year very hard. After a lot of deliberation we decided to have another try (ds was 3). Three mmc's followed at 6/7/8 weeks (usually got to about 1o weeks) over the following 2 years. After the second dh was adament he didn't want more and couldn't understand how I could go through it all again. After a lot of tears, sulking etc he did agree but hates having to 'perform' on ov ( I always use ov kit so he knows when the week is approaching). After the 3rd mmc we were both keen to have another go (surprisingly) as we had had all the blood tests (all normal) and gaen said I could take aspirin and progesterone the next time. Dh also is keen cos he is currently a 'homedad' and loves it but with my son being full time school he needs a baby to keep the job open. I tell him to look at sex on ov day as a job interview! Got pg quickly and found out last Monday that there is an empty pg sac in my uterus and pg never even got past 4 weeks.( I shound now be 9 weeks) Cos the sac is empty and I haven't bled yet they are still trying to decide if I have an ectopic pg ( I don't think so). Got another scan Monday (what for?). They won't let me have d and c my usual choice cos the sac is so small but now I am wondering how long I will be waiting. This mc is turning out to be a nightmare for me.

Do we try again? Aspirin and prog didn't really get chance to work but the gap is widening (already will be 6 years). If we do try again it will def be the last time but I don't feel we can even think about this until this pg has completely gone.

My cycle usually takes a couple of months to settle down so I wouldn't worry about that too much. I worry about my fertility all the time - not necessarily getting pg but the quality of eggs and what if a pg that should have ended doesn't and goes full term.

My hormones have always taken a nose dive about a week after the d and c and not really recovered until my next cycle is complete. I think you need to be kind to yourself and remember what your body and mind has been through in the last few pg's. I am a fine one to talk and am quoting my best friend! I know the reason my dh didn't want to try again after mmc 2 is because he hated seeing me going through the op and disappointment each time.

Sorry for the long post!

[beanie35]

Dear Banjaxed. Im so sorry to hear about your losses. It is perfectly understandable that you feel all over the place. I have had 2 mmcs in the space of 8 months and it took months for my hormones to settle down. Like you, I seem to cope ok, then suddenly it hits me again. Maybe your hb is suffering more with your losses than he is letting on, its possible that he is terrified of going through more heartache again, and thats why he is especially reluctant to try. Personally I wouldn't make a point of highlighting your ov days, my hb has no idea when i ov and to be honest it makes for a more relaxing time, knowing they 'must perform' on certain days is definately a passion killer! Take each day as it comes, and don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do at the moment. Take care. x

[banjaxed]

teachertalk you really put my problems into perspective -poor you! I totally hear what you're saying about worrying about the quality of your eggs, and I know this is paranoia because I'm only 33 and my mother was having babies until she was 42! But it doesn't seem to help knowing this at hormonal times. I was particularly bad last night and managed to speak to DH about it. I find that hard because I know I'm being irrational and only thinking from my own perspective, so I hate admitting this to him and making him feel hard done by when there really isn't any need. On the other hand, the all-consuming grief that comes from knowing you're ovulating and knowing that there's no chance of having a go this month is very real and very lonely. I just kept dwelling on the thought that if viable eggs are in short supply, then it makes no sense to lose one just because DH isn't in the mood. How selfish! I'm normally very good at getting a grip, but I didn't manage it last night.

beanie thanks for your message. I had no idea until I was pg the power that hormones can have over your state of mind. I was lucky and never got PMT (that I knew of - DH disputes that ) and have certainly never got hormonal over ovulation! What a weird existence. I suppose it must take more than a month to get over mmc. The whole experience makes me take my hat off to those who bravely say no more to this ttc business. It is hellish and potentially destructive to relationships. However, thanks to my many tears and confessions last night I got a sympathetic bd this morning which more than made up for things (even if it was probably too late this month).

I have some opk sticks this time round, but am finding them a PITA to use. Either I haven't ov yet or I've missed it - no way of telling?! Might just stick to libido-spotting in future!

[mermaidspurse]

teachertalk I am so there girl! what are we doing to ourselves? I am aproaching 41 and ds will be 8 this year..... 4 mc, last on 18th. dh tentatively talking about the snip. after so many years of bd it is so weird to talk about snipping but I know how hard he has found the last few years. We are now questioning what we are going to do. I really dont know if I can let my family go through this anymore.But god is'nt nature so strong? all i want to do is make babies its an overwelming force and I know for the sake of my sanity dh will just go along with whatever makes me whole again.
Im with beanie on the ov thing chuck it all out the window! men feel trapped in a scientific experiement otherwise!
banjaxed its such early days and ttc again brings up all those feelings. I so identify with what you have writen about ttc and relationships. I find I talk a lot, natch, and dh? yep, he bottles it all up, it takes me ages to get him to open up. Faced with the hormonal mess that I turn into its hardly surprising that he clams up.

[Daynee]

I am so sorry for what everyone here is going through. It's more than I've had to endure - I had 3 mc's in 1.5 years. My last one was the worst because we saw the heartbeat and thought for sure this would be the one to make it and fulfill our dreams. I'm 31 so I know I have a bit of time but I still am totally depressed over this because my dh (who is 37) and I really want this now.
banjaxed - Feel blessed that you have one dc already, although I can understand your desperation because it's been a while. My dh also has issues with the prearranged deed. What I did the last time was I just brought it up jokingly, like Hey, I'm ovulating! But I didn't say we needed to do it - I just approached it like any other night so he didn't feel so much pressure. It worked! Of course, the problem is getting it to stick!
teachertalk and mermaids - I feel your frustration because you've been trying for so long. I would be feeling just plain crazy. Have either of you thought about IVF? teachertalk - I saw that you took aspirin and progesterone. I asked my doc that if all my blood tests come back normal, should I take baby aspirin anyway, and she said that there really would be no reason. What did you doc say? Also are you a teacher? I'm just wondering because I am...it's so tough these days to be happy and fun for my kids.

XOXO

[teachertalk]

Daynee - there were no reasons for me take aspirin or progesterone but the doc I saw said that it can't do any harm so to go for it. I am happy to try anything. Am a bit confused with this mmc as it didn't get past 4 weeks so really they didn't get chance to work did they (or am I kidding myself). Have read that some women's blood is fine when not pg but then clots when pg hormones kick in. Why they don't test you when you are pg I don't know. The only raeson i think we would try again would be to give the drugs a chance - all my other mmc's were after a heartbeat so I feel that it might be worth another try.

Yes I am a teacher but have been off since I had spotting last weekend and can't face going back until I have miscarried which could be a while I think. It has been very hard this year as 4 members of staff have left to have babies - 2 of them this week and the spotting last weekend was the due date for my last mc! I sometimes wonder how my life has taken this unplanned path - I guess we all feel like that!

[banjaxed]

I'm another teacher here. I was just thinking today how my poor classes have had to put up with either a self-obsessed hormonal wreck or a morning-sickness-ridden teacher all this year. Not fair on them really. I'm so in admiration of you (may I say it?) older ladies. I can only imagine the monthly torture you endure. The decision as to whether the torture is potentially worth it given the 'prize' must be extremely difficult. I'm finding it hard enough and it's relatively early days for me. Hats off to you.

daynee I know I should be grateful for dd and I so am -she is absolutely wonderful and an endless source of joy and mirth for us both. It's good to catch a grip and reflect on that, rather than the idea of a god-given right to have more kids at a specified age gap just because others are doing the same. I try not to tell DH that I'm ovulating, but if, like this month, things are looking very unlikely then I get upset and stroppy. All very counter-productive.

teachertalk look after yourself at this time. How was your scan today? Fingers crossed you don't have to endure this for too much longer. Do you have ms? If not, an nice bottle of rose and some Lindt choccies were the perfect medicine for me.

HUGS to you all, and thanks for listening and sharing your experiences.