Advice on social situations with people who've had a miscarriage

[marjean]

I go to a toddler's coffee morning with my daughter (she's 2) and always chat with another mum there who has a child of the same age. 2 weeks ago she seemed upset and tearful and she told me that over the past year she has had 3 miscarriages, the latest one only being a few days earlier. My heart went out to her but we are only acquaintances and I was not sure how to react. What makes the situation even more difficult is that I had a baby six months ago - who is also at the group, obviously.

So, two weeks have passed since she told me and every week I casually ask how she is (as you do) but there's no mention of the mcs or anything else but she still seems upset and of course, I have a baby literally hanging off me the whole time, it feels a little uncomfortable.

Every person and situation is different, clearly, but wanting to be the best 'acquaintance!' I should be, I thought I'd ask people who may have been in a similar situation advice on what - if anything - to do.

[Jackstini]

Everyone is different in how they deal with it. Best thing you can do is ask. Acknowledge it must have been hard for her and if she ever wants to talk about it, you are there for her.
Recommend this site - it helped me immensley to chat about it with other women that had been through the same thing.
You could also read some of the mc threads for an idea of how she is feeling.
In practical terms, 3 mc is usually the number you have to go through before they look into possible cause so she may be undergoing some testing etc. now too.
You are lovely to see what you can do to help, too many people just ignore it.

[SebandElliottsmum]

hi, i miscarried 13 weeks ago and found it easier to talk to people who i werent to close to.
close friends and family got to upset and 'acquaintances' had a more practical view. does that make sense.
i know it sounds cliche, but wine, chocolate and tears really helped with a couple of work friends and i even managed to laugh.

[scattyspice]

Jacksti is right, also don't assume you know how she feels and dont try to offer advice. Don't avoid her but don't be put out if she is not very chatty.
When I MCd the best were people who said they were sorry (as you have) then left the subject alone (I didnt really want to discuss it except with dh as I kept crying).

She will bring the subject up with you if she wants to talk about it (don't probe).

If she's at toddler grp I assume she has a toddler, after my MC I really focused on my toddler you can talk about her child (admiringly) but don't feel guilty about your baby. Hope this helps.

[scattyspice]

sorry x posts with seb. I totally agree about the annoying practical advice fromfamily (my family were dissappointed too and this was their way of coping).

[marjean]

Many thanks for your quick and helpful responses. I think that it is a balance between not wanting her to feel that I am ignoring it and not wanting her to feel that I'm probing or unecessarily upsetting her by bringing it up. Hmm. Taking my personality (reserved and retiring) and our 'aquaintancy' relationship into account,I think that it's best left but obviously I'll continue to chat and ask how she's doing. She did open up before, hopefully she will feel that she can again, if she needs to.

[MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs]

I agree with the others, and would add that what I hated was the well-meaning comments along the lines of "oh, it will happen sometime, you just have to be patient, my bestfriendsauntiesdaughtersniece had 3 m/c and went on to have 2 dcs". I know that they are just trying to cheer you up but I really did not want to know.

I wish that I had known about MN back then.

[onthepier]

It's nice to know that you're trying to think from this other mum's point of view, Marjean.

I've had a couple of miscarriages in the past, + remember being most upset when a close friend told me I should have been more careful!! One of these was a "missed miscarriage", involving an operation.

Most people were very supportive, it was just the one I thought would be, wasn't.
I have two healthy children now though!

The best thing is to say you're there if she needs you, you don't like to keep bringing the miscarriages up but tell her not to hesitate if she wants to talk. She may feel awkward herself now she's told you, feeling she's put you in an awkward position.