Thinging of giving up ttc no 3 after miscarriage - will I regret it?

(25 Posts)
barlow Wed 24-Sep-08 22:41:30

I've been very on and off the idea of having a 3rd child (i.e. its dominated my thoughts for about a year) but during an on phase earlier this year I conceived and was delighted. Unfortunately I miscarried at 5 weeks and was gutted but thought at the time that it showed that it was what we really wanted. Since then I've been getting pretty obsessed about TTC and disappointed each month when its not happened. When I really look at it I wonder if part of my disappointment is that I've not got pregnant rather than I'm closer to having a third child( as having 3 really terrifies me). Its not that I'm scared of hard work but for many reasons I now think we should stop TTC and be grateful and enjoy our 2 lovely children.

However since my miscarriage I get quite upset when I hear of friends who are pregnant and find talking to one whose due date was the same as mine really hard. There will be more of these challenges ahead too.

I am concerned that as I did conceive a child and then lost it will I really come to regret not having a 3rd? Unfortunately I am the sort of person that dwells on things and worries. I'm not sure if there'll be anyone on this board in the same boat as me, maybe I should post it on another board?

Elasticwoman Wed 24-Sep-08 23:24:53

Why does it terrify you to have 3?
What does your dh think about having a 3rd dc?

Lots of people are happy with 2; you just need to decide if you are one of those people, or if you are some one who really wants a 3rd. There are pros and cons and it is your own personal situation and preference that counts. No one else can tell you how to feel.

slightlycrumpled Thu 25-Sep-08 08:20:52

barlow I'm actually in the same situation. Having concieved number three and then feeling quite aprehensive about it, I then miscarried at nearly six weeks.

This was only last week so far too soon to be assesing my feelings really.

However, at the moment my gut instinct is no more, to put myself through this again when I have two beautiful children seems wrong somehow. (It was my second m/c this year)

I am really worried though that I will always regret not having a third as despite the aprehension I was quite excited about it.

Sorry not very helpful really!

rubles Thu 25-Sep-08 09:59:22

I am in the same situation. We started ttc somewhat ambivalently...ie we said 'we'll give it three months of unprotected non-trying sex and if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't'. Amazingly I got pregnant by accident before starting that three months. This all completely floored me, and I spent the time either petrified I was going to miscarry or petrified of whether we would cope with three, and worrying if we had done the right thing.

Then at 9+ weeks I miscarried, and now I don't know what. At first I thought maybe it was fate making my decision for me...like slightlycrumpled it was only very recent that I had the m/c so it is early days, but my initial reaction was that I didn't want to try again as it was too awful to go through. Today coming back from school, though, I found myself thinking that I did actually want to try again. It is so difficult.

What I like the thought of, perverseley, is to have more chaos and noise in the house, and the idea of the future with three teenagers around the house and big noisy Christmases. But then I do wonder how much of my wanting to try again because I don't want to end my fertile period on such a low note. I don't want there to be a ghost third child always present in my mind.

I'm not being very helpful, I know, but I am trying to let you know that you are not alone. It is very difficult, as it is a scary decision - taking a look through the pregnancy board shows that there are plenty of people pregnant with their third who are really quite apprehensive about what they have done, but it is even more scary for us who don't want to risk another miscarriage experience.
Jeez, is there any kind of counselling to help with this kind of thing??

How long have you been ttc since the m/c? Have you had any months off? I think if you are unsure about ttc but it is making you upset and a bit demented, then taking a month or two to get your head together might help.
When was your miscarriage and when would your due date have been?

deckchair Thu 25-Sep-08 11:35:58

I too am in the same situation. My thoughts are with you all.
I wish you all well.

tartetatin Thu 25-Sep-08 11:53:04

What a lot of us in the same situation! I miscarried at 9.5 weeks in Feb. I had an accidental third after a huge gap in 06 (other two were 12 and 14) and we decided that it would be good for the toddler to have a sibling of the same peer group. I was floored by the MC; having had three completely straightforward pregnancies I had become very complacent and just assumed that the fourth would pass without incident. It took a lot of soul searching before I was ready to have another go; we still both believed that number 3 really deserved a sibling. So here I am six months later and nine weeks pregnant. Completely paranoid but sure I am doing the right thing for the family. If this one fails- that is absolutely it. No more. I don't know how old you are but time is running out for me anyway. I had the first two in my twenties and if all goes to plan will be just about 44 when this one arrives so I guess I am lucky to have conceived at all! Don't let yourself become too obsessed with conceiving (very unsexy!) or at least keep it from your hubbie! Best wishes, take your time and I am sure you will make the right decision for your and your family

barlow Thu 25-Sep-08 13:49:09

I am so sorry for all of you, miscarriage is really hard to go through. I think it can be even more confusing when its baby no.3 or no.4 as its hard to be sure its the right thing to have more and there are also other children to consider.

Rubles you have summed up exactly what I'm feeling about the ghost third child. I too like the idea of big Christmases and think the children would benefit more as they grow older to have another sibling (I'm one of 3 and love the different relationships I now have with mine)

I had my second and was so convinced that that was it, gave things away and cherished each last moment e.g. last breastfeed as I knew I wouldn't do it again. It was my husband that brought the topic of a third up a year ago. I initially was against the idea but then kept thinking how nice it would be. Its certainly not a broody moment, I find the early days pretty hard but I feel I'd be doing it for them all as they grow up.

I miscarried in May, the baby was due at the end of January. We've been TTC since then and as I said, I've been getting quite obsessed by it (temping, checking daily on fertility friend).I guess one of the reasons for this obsession is I don't feel time is on my side (38) fertility wise and also the age I'll be for the child ( sorry tartetatin I know you're older but that is how I'm feeling).

My husband now has doubts whether a third is a good idea, his reasons are rocking the boat, financial, life is just getting a bit easier with our DC (5 and 2). I feel quite angry about that as he planted this idea a year ago and if we give up I've been through all this for nothing. We can talk openly about it though and he said he could be persuaded but if its down to me I have to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. I'm so scared of upsetting our happy family and wonder if I should just be a really good mum to two rather than a good enough mum to 3. But as Rubles said I'm so worried about that ghost 3rd child.

I'm sorry for my ramblings which may seem a bit self-indulgent to some of you particularly going through such recent losses.

slightlycrumpled Thu 25-Sep-08 15:18:49

Barlow, I think you are in my mind!

So sorry for everyones losses, and good luck tartetatin with the pregnancy. smile

MKG Thu 25-Sep-08 16:04:56

Barlow,

I was in your shoes. I miscarried my third pregnancy in January. When I found out about that pregnancy I first felt panic and then let myself be happy. Sadly I miscarried a week later. One thing that I learned was that I definitely wanted to have another baby at some point because both my heart and my mind were open to the idea. My heart was always open, but my mind took some convincing.
After the miscarriage I thought I should enjoy the two I have, so I put the idea aside and thought about maybe ttc again in a few years. But then the universe had other plans because I am now 16 weeks pregnant and am over the moon.

Good luck to you.

deckchair Thu 25-Sep-08 20:36:03

slightly crumpled - i was loitering on the May thread, debating whether to join and just knew I shouldnt join, so i recognise your name from there.
I hope you are doing ok.
My experience is too raw to make a decision just yet but having had a MMC and now a mc i am wondering if my whole dream of having 3 should be just that. After all i have 2 wonderful, delightful children and some magnificent people cant have any.

Springflower Thu 25-Sep-08 20:45:12

I have been in a similar situation - had 2 miscarriages then 3 children and although we had always wanted 4, decided because of the delay and the fact that children 2 and 3 were so close together that we wouldnt have a fourth. Then when DS3 was 3 I decided that I would like a 4th and although DP wasnt that keen decided to see (I was 42 and 40 had always been our cut-off). Had a miscarriage but decided because it had all happened so quickly would try again and then had a miscarriage again a few months later so have now given up (am now 43). For me the hard thing was that after miscarriages the thing that has made me feel better is getting pregnant again so to give up is really difficult. Recently walking to school as the 3 of them ran ahead I said shouldnt there be another on the end? I did think it helped though when DP said it should have been another 1 on the beginning instead as that really fitted in with our experience. Sorry to be so long!

slightlycrumpled Thu 25-Sep-08 21:24:09

deckchair I also felt I shouldn't have joined almost as soon as I had hit post message. I also hope you are ok. It really is rubbish, I just keep thinking this time last week all was well and now it isn't.

OTOH I also have two totally lovely children who bring me joy and a secure and loving relationship with my DH. Perhaps it's about being happy with what you have. I don't know.

I know when I was in hospital last week I did keep thinking how much more dreadful it must be if you are on your second miscarriage, and you don't have any children.

Patchybob Tue 14-Oct-08 20:18:13

You could all be reading my mind. I had a m/c in September having had 2 great pregnancies. My dc are 7 and 5 and I was already very aware of the age gap.

My m/c has floored me and the last couple of days I am feeling worse than ever. I am doubting that I will ever get that precious baby no 3 and feel very selfish that I am so desperate when there are all those out there with no other children.

I have just had first af and am on cd5, terrified of going through it all again, but also don't want to end on a loss.

AARGH

mayl Tue 14-Oct-08 22:15:09

God this site helps... Rubles, Barlow, and others have written, far more eloquently, exactly what I feel. Having spent a year torn about having a third we flirted without contraception and eventually got a positive in Aug. I went through so many emotions when I found out and really went into shock and panic. I was just starting to feel really positive about the whole thing when at 11 wks started spotting and after a scan found out baby had died around 8 wks. Feel cheated and so confused. Was it fate telling me to stop?

The 'Ghost children' comment really captures things for me, I also want the big raucous family thing in the future yet not sure I can go through this all again. I keep thinking that I may regret not having a third but could never regret having a child after it is here but it seems such a long road to travel even if I decide to go for it.

HairyToe Thu 16-Oct-08 14:18:31

TTC my no.3, I had a 'Chemical Pregnancy'? (bled 3 days after getting my BFP) back in March, fell pregnant straightaway then had a MMC discovered in June at 12 wk scan. I felt exactly as you have all described, perhaps we should be happy with what we've got, perhaps I;m too old etc etc.

Didn't go back on contraception though and when I felt those tell tale signs of fertility couldn't help getting excited and trying again. Now pregnant again (only 5 weeks) and feeling really emotionally ragged. Obviously I'm delighted but also terrified that things will go wrong again.

Also, and I hope this is not being insensitive, I just want to be truthful. I keep thinking maybe these problems happened for a reason, perhaps I am too old, my eggs are crap quality and there's bound to be something really wrong with the baby. Perhaps I should have listened to the signs...maybe I'll live to regret my decision.

No easy answers all round. I do keep thinking if this one doesn't make it I'll not try again. But who knows.

Sorry I haven't really answered OP's question.

rubles Thu 16-Oct-08 20:03:06

HairyToe, I have those thoughts too. Superstitious thoughts that some higher power is telling me something. However, I think it is just superstition based on our paranoia and that is all.
Good luck with this one, it is excruciating waiting for 12 weeks and very difficult to enjoy, so you have my complete sympathy.

Crumbs this is spooky it is like reading my own thoughts. I have also been trying for number three and MC'd in May and although we are trying again (since June: no luck so far - AF comes around every month regular as clockwork despite lots of rumpy pumpy around ovulation every month) I am wondering whether I have now missed the boat, am too old, knackered out my baby making bits and pieces, should be grateful for my lovely DSs etc. I'm also sacred that I might MC again (I also had an MC between DS1 and DS2). Personally I can't not keep trying, at least for a couple more years. My mum would not be happy if she knew. When I MC'd in May she said 'ah well, you've got two lovely children' which just made me cry all the more. Hugs to you all who have been through similar things to me.

im 11 weeks prenant with number 3 after miscarrying 13 weeks ago at 8 weeks.
my mum said i always wanted at least 3 and i would regret not trying again, just happened a lot quicker than expected.
im so scared about my scan nxt week im just prepared for the worst i couldnt go through another m/c.
do keep trying when your ready, i am.
beckybendylegs i had everyone saying 'at least youve got 2 at home' which i love to bits but it doesnt make a mc any easier. xx

mayl Tue 21-Oct-08 21:23:28

Wow SebandElliots Mum!!!! I am not great at maths but you must have got a pg+ really quickly?? Sending you lots of good luck for next week. I am sure it will be fine but let us know how you get on.

Dottydadoo Mon 25-Aug-14 21:58:22

Hi Barlow - I don't know if you're still here but I would be really interested to hear how things turned out for you as I find myself in exactly the same situation (down to the ages of your first 2 and doubting husband) and this thread has just come up on my search!

Tranquilitybaby Wed 27-Aug-14 14:05:46

I would be interested to know how it turned for everyone too!

I suffered an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks with my 3rd in April. Started TTC again this month but AF arrived last week. Can't decide if I want this heartache anymore or whether to stop and be grateful for the two gorgeous children we have. X

jazzyjenbo Sun 31-Aug-14 00:24:20

Hi tranquility, i've seen u on the ttc bus!! Lol
I am in the same situation, we decided to ttc#3 last year and literally in the first month and 1 time i was pregnant, we laughed about our 'immaculate conception' baby (had a just 3yo and 16 mth old at the time, i had only just re started af after having dd and stopped b/feeding. Neway i mmc in january 14 and just though we would b pregnant again straight away... Now cycle 8 and no bfp.
I do sumtimes think (and dh says) we should stick with what we have but i have this gut feeling that i'm not done yet and thats whats sending me mad ttc. Neway, i think i'm gona take abit of the pressure off myself.. If i dont think it might happen.

Tranquilitybaby Sun 31-Aug-14 23:44:31

Hi jazzy it's rough isn't it? After my wobble I'm not 100% back on the TTC bus, want it so much so trying to stay positive. Good luck to you x

Tranquilitybaby Sun 31-Aug-14 23:45:19

Should say I'm 100% back on, take out the not!

jazzyjenbo Mon 01-Sep-14 10:21:18

Ohh good to hear that tranquility, i think we all hav wobbles but everytime i think i've had enough i just get this gut feeling that i'm not done and can't imagine never being pregnant again or holding my own newborn baby... Think u'd call it broody! wink

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