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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

How has having a m/c affected your relationship with pregnant friends?

21 replies

blob2be · 28/04/2008 22:08

I am having a m/c at the moment (at 8weeks preg). I seem to veer between being OK and suddenly grief-stricken, but I suppose this is normal...I am worried because this is my second m/c, so am worried that there might be problems. I do, though, have an 18-month old DS who is the absolute light of my life .
A very good friend of mine is 8 weeks pregnant now. We were very excited about being preg together, planning shopping trips and looking forward to baby swims etc...
I think i will be OK seeing her pregnancy develop, and of course hope that everything goes as well as possible for her and her bump. I am just worried a)that she will start to worry for her own pregnancy, as I think I would if the situations were reversed, and b) that she will find it difficult expressing her happiness at being preg/giving birth around me. I really want to be a part of her new babied-up life as none of my other close friends has children yet.
I'm also worried, i suppose, that seeing her bloom will trigger feelings of grief for me.
It is so hard. Does anyone else have experience of this? how did you cope?
xx

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undervalued · 28/04/2008 22:25

I'm so sorry for your loss B2B. It does ease I promise you.
I have only just managed to speak to my friend at work about her pregnancy. We were both due early June and, like you and your friend, we were so excited. It hurts a lot TBH but not as much as I expected. A few girls at work have since become pregnant since my mc and that hurts too, but I've have to accept that.
Give yourself time to grieve and become emotionally strong again. I send by best wishes and hope your friend is sensitive to your loss xx

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Julezboo · 28/04/2008 22:47

Hi,

i just mentioned this on another thread...It doesnt effect me in a bad way tbh, I get almost annoyed at my friends for avoiding the subject.

Just gone through my 7th mc, and my best friend is trying to get pregnant to be a surrogate, she wont speak to me about it. I mentioned it to DP i was upset she was avoiding the subject and she had told him she doesnt want to upset me. I think she is doing a lovely thing and we will hopefully be looking into it in a few years time. But i feel as my best friend she should know me better for want of a better word?

Obviously I find it hard to watch people go through pregnancies, but with me its more strangers and it hits me at the most random times. Like today I took my DS to the doctors a pregnant ladt came in, then all of a sudden there was 3 preg lady's and 4 new born babies it hit me hard then, I couldnt look the other way cos there was so many but I grinned and beared it.

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blob2be · 28/04/2008 22:53

Thank you Undervalued. I'm very sorry for your loss too .
Have you found that the friends who are pregnant are OK with you? I'm worried that my friend might feel awkward and not want to upset me so try to distance herself from me...

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blob2be · 28/04/2008 22:59

Hi Julezboo, sorry, my ridiculously slow typing meant I crossed posts...
So sorry to hear about what you've been through. I know what you mean, suddenly the world seems full of radiant pregnant women and newborn babies.
What you mention about your friend is similar to how I imagine my friend will be (although obviosuly with different circumstances, no surrogacy etc). Which makes me worry. Have you tried to tell her about how it makes you feel?

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undervalued · 28/04/2008 23:08

I think your own feelings, and some very strange reactions to your miscarriage, you will need to get used to some people feeling awkward around you B2B. My friend was very insensitive and wittered on about her pregnancy constantly. She is excited, I can't hold that against her! I am in my early 40s - that pregnancy was a shocker, after 6 years of trying, and my last hope.
Try not to get too obsessed, and try to strangle people that say it was all for the best Someone will say it!!

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Julezboo · 28/04/2008 23:10

blob, i have in a drunken conversation, i do make a point to ask her about it every now and then but i dont want to make her feel uncomfortable about it.

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WorzselMummage · 29/04/2008 21:22

I had my 3rd Mc in Feb ( mmc 13 weeks ) after ttc for 2 years. 3 close friends and my sister in law are pregnant, we were all due within 6 weeks of each other and we're all really excited about it. I feel like i've lost my mates, they dont seem interested in me any more and tbh every time i think i about it all i feel is vile jealously, resentment and anger not only because they are pregnant and i'm not but because i seem to have been discarded in favour of the other members of their happy little pregnant club. It make me feel like a complete falure to be honest and i'd probably be put on anti depressants if i told anyone whats actually going though my head every minute of every day.

We're TTC again and tbh if i got pregnant again i doubt i'd even bother telling them. I doubt they'd care anyway.

It's RUINED several of my friendships.

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OracleInaCoracle · 29/04/2008 21:27

i find it very difficult. but not because they have something i want but because i can never look at having a babythe same way again. im resentful that they can stay in their bubble where they get pg, and 9m later give birth. ttc has changed for us now. i dread getting a bfp. im sad because i can longer relate to other women the way i used to, and when each of my beans died i did too, and they dont understand that.

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kd73 · 29/04/2008 21:27

WorzelMummage, me too.

Strangely enough I am pg again and I have no intention of letting my "best" friends know. They were not interested in my previous pregnancies so why should this one be any different.

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WorzselMummage · 29/04/2008 21:34

Its almost as if i am being ignored because i am an obvious reminder that pregnancy doesnt always go smoothly.

cheers !

I've had fuck all support from most of my mates bar a few text messages, our famalies have been shit. The few mates who have been really great are people who are either TTC or have never had children. None of my pregnant 'friends' have asked me how i am or how things are going since the mc i guess its just easier not to ask.

I hope that if, god forbid, anything goes wrong for them then i can be more supportive.

I should be 24 weeks now, it's so fuckign hard isnt it

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whomovedmychocolate · 29/04/2008 21:42

Blob2be - I've been on both sides of this very recently, I miscarried a month before I conceived this baby. At the time a few friends were pregnant and they all seemed to vanish when I miscarried and it was almost like they were scared to talk to me.

And then they were really relieved I was pregnant again , whereas I was terrified I'd miscarry again and didn't really feel that being pregnant again negated the fact that I miscarried before.

I think sometimes people think miscarriage is catching in some way, which obviously it isn't. So they do avoid you. I try really hard to stay in touch when this happens to my friends, because I know how lonely it can be and while nothing can help, being just avoided is so much worse IMHO.

Personally I chose to see the fact that others were having successful pregnancies was a beacon of hope that it could work out for me.

I am sorry you lost your baby. But you should tell your friend you are happy for her and celebrate with her, hopefully you'll have another chance really soon.

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kd73 · 30/04/2008 20:44

Who moved my chocolate, congratulations on your pregnancy .

I suffered my first m/c in Aug last year, I conceived again in the Nov but that too ended in m/c. Effectively my friends started avoiding me in August, its now April and they are still nowhere to be seen.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/05/2008 13:29

My BF was pg and due 10 days before me when I mc. I had a slight pang when I saw her stroke her bump, once. I had strong angry feelings towards pg women but not her at all. I was very upset the day she gave birth and cried after i left the hospital but other than that it was fine. She had a bleed while I was at home with parents recuperating from the D&C which was awful she didn't want to tell me and she was freaking out (she had mc prev as well) and of course I freaked out. Altogether tho, her baby is her baby (not such a baby now!) and mine was mine, I didn't feel jealous of her at all.

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MrsMattie · 01/05/2008 13:32

I'm really sorry to hear about your m/c@ blob2be

I had a miscarriage last year and a month later found out that my step sister and best friend were both pregnant - and due at the same time I would have been. I also had a very good friend who was already well into her pregnancy, so bumps and baby talk seemed to be everywhere. I found it very hard. I had mixed feelings of sadness, jealousy, bitterness. I think I only really got over that when I discovered I was pregnant again recently (10 weeks pregnant tomorrow and terrified the same thing will happen again ). No advice, really, but just wanted to say you have my sympathies.

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NotSoNewAnymore · 01/05/2008 13:58

blob2b I am very sorry about your miscarriage and hope you are able to take the time you need to recover physically and emotionally.

I lost my first pregnancy on the 27th march, I was 10 weeks although the baby had stopped growing at 6 / 7 weeks. My closest friend was also pregnant - due 8 days after me and like you we had great plans of shopping together and spending our maternity leave together with cute little babies in our arms.

When I lost the baby, my friend was very supportive - she had had health issues early in her pregnancy and could relate (A little) to how I was feeling - but it is awkward at times. Even now, she makes a point of asking how I am doing everytime I see her. Funny enough, I don't mind talking to her about her pregnancy or baby - I almost find it easier to focus on that directly - but when we are in a larger social circle, and I watch see her stroke her (little) bump or listen to her husband talk about their baby and have that pang of pain about what I have lost. It is awkward and I do think that our friendship has been effected. However, I am trying to see this as a temporary set-back and sometime soon this will all be behind us.

Random strangers upset me more though...there is a woman at my work who I don't know but see around the office, and for some reason I want to cry every time I see her bump!

Lissielou's post also brought a lump to my throat...because it is so true it could be written by me. When friends who have not had babies yet or who have had textbook pg's and births say: 'Don't worry - you will get pregnant again soon and it will be fine' I feel like screaming: 'It won't be fine - don't you understand: pregnancy will never be fine again'

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oopsadaisyangel · 01/05/2008 14:06

I have a pregnant friend who is 6 months who I have hardly seen since my son was stillborn in December. I'm not sure if she is intentially avoiding me - which I don't really think is happening because she was around alot when it first happened but when she told me she was pregnant (three weeks after we lost Finn) I've hardly seen her. The sad part is that I'm getting married in August and she's my chief bridesmaid but I can't get her to meet up to help arrange hen night etc.

Mind you I find that people in general are avoiding me since it all happened!! Maybe I'm just paranoid

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oopsadaisyangel · 01/05/2008 14:08

blob2be - sorry I forgot to say sorry about your miscarriage!

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becklespeckle · 01/05/2008 14:13

Sorry you are going through this Blob .

I have been both in your position and your friend's and neither are easy.

I was due a couple of weeks after a v close friend and when I m/c'd I did find it incredibly hard to see her growing belly. I was so pleased for her but so sad for myself. I think it did change our relationship a bit for a while but as soon as she had her baby we returned to normal.

When I did eventually get pg again, another close friend m/c'd and I know she found it hard to be around me and I felt guilty around her cos I was still pg and she wasn't. It didn't make me worry more about my pg but then I was v worried anyway.

Hope this helps and that things get better for you soon xxx

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wen10 · 03/05/2008 17:34

Your post lissielou is just how i feel!

The first time i got pg me and my younger sister found out the same day then sadly i lost baby 2weeks later and she went on to have a beautiful boy, since this i went on to have several mc's!!! I love my nephew and of course my sister but it certainly has chaged things and until i have a baby i guess things cant go back to how they were! Both my sisters meet up at weekends with their children to play and im left out (it's hard) but i know it's not their fault.

It's not fair is is!!!!
Takecare and hugs to everybody.
XXX.

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sue1911 · 03/05/2008 22:17

Hi, my 2nd m/c was 16 yrs ago, but the reason i am writing is to say that at the time both my friend and i were expecting twins. she was 3 months ahead of me and two weeks after i lost my babies she gave birth. She was marvelous and sat with me while i held her babies and cried buckets for over an hour. i think it was probably one of the hardest things i'd done but she was so understanding. My babies due date was the day after my aunt gave birth to my cousin so there is always a reminder about how old my twins would have been (16 this yr)

i do now have a very DD who is 11, but my pregnancy was fraught with worry and i didnt stop worrying until she was safely in my arms.

My friend said at the time that she wasnt sure what to say to me and that she felt guilty that she'd had her twins. sometimes people dont want to offend and so keep a distance, but sometimes its keeping that distance that offends.

Perhaps wen10 you could ask your sisters if you could join them and maybe make it a sister thing where children play rather than a childs playtime between sisters.

all i can say is that its does get easier, but it doesnt make the loss of anyones baby/ies any easier for them at the time it happens. just because you didnt get to see them or hold them doesnt make them any less real.

give yourselves time to grieve and find people who are able to support you in the ways that you need, and ignore all the people who say crap things like 'you're only young, there'll be others' 'its natures way' 'you'll get over it' or 'you'll soon be pregnant again'
Maybe you will maybe you wont, but its not what you want or need to hear right now.

to all of you who are going through m/c now or in the past i send a big hug and hope things get easier for you.

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blob2be · 04/05/2008 20:08

Sorry, have been away for a few days, haven't been able to get my MN fix!...
Thank you everyone for your replies. Worzel, I am so sorry to hear of your experiences of m/c and with your friends. I feel the same in that I hope if the situations were reversed I would be more sensitive/supportive than some people seem to be.
Whomoved my chocolate, that's great that you got pregnant again....I can imagine being terrified the whole time too if it does happen for again (hope so!). I have told my friend (via e-mail as we kept missing each other's calls, felt better writing it down as well though). I said that I was sad that we wouldn't get the experience of being preg together but I was looking forward to a little friend for my DS. She was very upset, but wants to meet up soon, which is great . She is a great friend so I'm feeling hopeful.
KD73, i'm so sorry to hear how your friends have treated you. Although it was a much happier episode, I lost a lot of 'friends' after DS was born (it turns out they were glorified drinking buddies not interested in me when I couldn't go out to parties).
Kat2907, I'm sorry to hear of your m/c but it is great to hear how you have managed to remain such a good friend to your friend.
Notsonewanymore, thanks for your advice, and again I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby. I hope that your friendship recovers, I'm sure it will, although maybe having a m/c means things will never quite be the same .
Oopsadaisyangel, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your son. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and sort things out with your friend. In a way I can undestand how/why people seem to 'disappear' after you have suffered such a tragedy - for example I sometimes avoid appraoching people who are grieving as I worry that I will say something to upset them even more - but it must be so sad for you.
Becklespeckle, that's great that you had a healthy full-term pregnancy after your m/c. Will definitely be something to bear in mid if I do get preg again and the same thing happens to a friend -as we said before, I can only hope I would be able to offer some support.
Wen10, i'm sorry to hear of your m/cs and I truly hope you get some joy soon, or at least that your relationship with your sister works out OK.
Sue, I'm sorry to hear you lost your twins, but great that you have such a DD. I don't necessarily blame the people who say things like 'it's just nature's way' as it's the sort of social gaffe I can imagine myself blurting out but you are right, it really doesn't help. I want to grieve for this baby, the little brother or sister who DS will never meet .
Phew, sorry this post is so long, but I really appreciate everybody's posts and hope that everything works out for everyone and that you get all the support and comfort that you need.