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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

sensitive topic but for those that have had miscarriages

28 replies

nappyaddict · 12/07/2007 12:42

did you tell your friends you had miscarried if they didn't yet know you were pregnant?

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RuthChan · 12/07/2007 13:10

No. As a rule I didn't.
I only told those few family and friends who already knew about the pregnancy.

However, if it became relevant to a conversation I made no attempt to hide it and talked about it freely. Especially to friends who had one themselves after mine.

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JolieGirl · 12/07/2007 13:14

Not pointedly. If the topic of pregnancy/children came up and it was relevant then I might have mentioned it, but I certainly didn't specifically 'tell' people who did not know I was pregnant in the first place. I have had 2 miscarriages by the way and one healthy DS!

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mumto3girls · 12/07/2007 13:16

Yes, eventually it has been mentioned, sometimes years later.

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meandmyflyingmachine · 12/07/2007 13:19

Not at the time. Later on.

Personally I think it is a good idea to talk about these things. Because when you are given the 1 in 4 statistic, you think that can't possible be right - I don't know anyone who has had one - and then turns out that they have.

It made me feel better to know that it happens and people can go on and conceive and carry a baby successfully.

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meandmyflyingmachine · 12/07/2007 13:20

I find it more difficult when talking to people who have had multiple miscarriages though. That is something (thank goodness) I never had to go through, and I would be wary in case they thought I was equating my experience with theirs.

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Botbot · 12/07/2007 13:21

With me, it was my first pregnancy and I'd jumped the gun a bit and told people I was pregnant very early, so most people knew anyway. Didn't make that mistake the next time round.

Having said that, I had some time off work for it, and then when I got back and people asked me what had been the matter, I found I just couldn't lie and say flu or something - it always just came out that I'd had a miscarriage, even to people I didn't know very well. Couldn't help myself ? I think at the time I just needed to tell as many people as possible as a way of getting it out of my system. This resulted in a few awkward pauses, but generally people were lovely about it. Now, two years and one dd later, I hardly talk (or even think) about it at all.

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Azure · 12/07/2007 13:23

My best friend knew I was pregnant and so I told her I had miscarried (twice), but for the ones who didn't know I've only mentioned it a while afterwards, and only if it came up in conversation. TBH it took a long time before I could mention it to anyone without tears coming to my eyes.

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nappyaddict · 12/07/2007 13:25

had anyone not even told their best friend that they were pregnant so didn't tell them they m/cd?

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lucykate · 12/07/2007 13:27

same as others have said, only if it came up in conversation and became relevant

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Tutter · 12/07/2007 13:28

tbh i'd told friends i was pg each time before i mc'd

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meandmyflyingmachine · 12/07/2007 13:31

I did not tell any of my friends any of the times I was pregnant, until I had passed 13 weeks. I told my family only - not even PIL .

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Tinker · 12/07/2007 14:31

Yes, I did. More circumspect with colleagues but even told some of them since they asked why I was off

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BBBBasilisk · 12/07/2007 14:36

yes, I need the emotional support and felt I didn't want to carry on as if nothing had happened.

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Haylstones · 12/07/2007 14:36

I told my closest friends (including my best friend) after the mc even though I hadn't told them about pg. Way I saw it, it was better that I was able to talk about it, which I really needed to do. Also stopped the frequent 'when are you having another one then' questions, which would have sent me over the edge. It also stopped people wondering why I wasn't being myself and not being sociable. Everybody understood why I hadn't told them about the pg. I'm now pg again and have only told parents, sis, in laws, a colleague (but only to have ack up to avoid carrying stuff) and one friend- if mc again not sure what I'll do. Think it's a personal decision to make

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FlameDelacour · 12/07/2007 14:38

NA - are you trying to work out how to respond to your friend, or was it your m/c?

(Thinking you will get more helpful answers...)

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nappyaddict · 12/07/2007 15:45

mine. i didn't tell anyone about it at the time and for some reason the other day i was out with some friends and the tears just came from nowhere. they obviously hadn't a clue what was going on so i had to explain.

i have since been accused of making it up to get attention because if it was true i would have said something at the time.

i don't know why i didn't tell them really. it just wasn't something i wanted to keep coming up and i didn't want people to keep asking me if i was ok cos that would just make me worse. but this person reckons if it was true i would have wanted to tell them at the time for support etc.

to top it all i wasn't even really friends with this person at the time that it happened.

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FlameDelacour · 12/07/2007 15:54

@ being accused of making it up

For me, I've not been in the situation so can't say, but I can completely understand not saying - apart from anything else the feeling of "if I don't talk about it, its not really happening" must be overwhelmingly appealing.

with your friends.

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MumOfSlytherinsMonsters · 12/07/2007 16:03

I didn't tell anyone either. Well, no one in RL either. I t was hard making the decision to tell ppl i had m/c when i hadn't told anyone i was pg. Thre were also a few ppl around the same gestation as i would have been so i didn't feel it appropriate to make an annoucement.

I told people gradually but only if they asked if i was having any more children or asked why i was so low. I never used the word miscarriage and i still can't say the word.

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Azure · 12/07/2007 18:16

Nappyaddict I'm shocked and saddened by the response of your so-called friend. I definitely did not wish to discuss it even with my closest friend who knew, let alone less close friends. I too didn't want people asking me all the time how I was, which would only have upset me. Other people cope better by discussing it. It seems that your friend has very little understanding of how devastating a m/c can be - it's almost impossible to understand unless you've been unlucky enough to go through it. I hope this silly person won't upset you any more.

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suezee · 12/07/2007 18:19

no i didnt jst for the fact that i didnt want them to feel uncomfortable out it

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PrettyCandles · 12/07/2007 18:26

No, I only told people who already knew I was pg. The only exception was the ILs - we hadn't yet told them that I was pg, and they thought it very strange indeed that we told them about the mc. It clearly didn't occur to them that dh was also grieving. It also seemed relevant to me to tell them, as it was a potential grandchild that they had lost. But I guess they didn't connect to it in the same way that dh and I did.

With my recent pregnancy, once I had safely passed the point at which I had mc, I didn't hide the fact of the mcs, but was OK mentioning them if the subject came up.

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Weasleybug · 12/07/2007 18:31

No only close family knew at the time and a couple who we are very close to and we were due to go out with them when it happened. Since then (a year ago) I have told a lot more people but not for about 6 months and then its mainly come out because people ask when we're having another one.

I found it much easier to deal with at the time if people didn't know because I could get on with things.

Am shocked that people are accusing you of making it up - are these friends ??

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nappyaddict · 13/07/2007 10:58

she is a friend but i haven't known her as long as the others. i met her through them.

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BettySpaghetti · 13/07/2007 11:21

at your "friend".

When I had a m/c I told my two closest friends and the people at work (my boss said she obviously wouldn't pass on the reason for my absence but I asked her to tell my colleagues as I felt it would be easier returning to work if people knew why I was off. They were a small supportive team anyway).

I have since told other people if it has come up in conversation -quite often its been when people have told me that they've had a m/c.

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AxMxY · 13/07/2007 21:50

I told most close friends when i was preg so told one friend when i miscarried and let it just filter through to the rest.
I found it stopped the 'when you going to start trying for a family' questions.
By the way the friends that are saying you made it up dont sound like very good friends in the first place and i would think about surrounding yourself with more people that will support you better rather than being so insensitive.
I found this website brill when i miscarried so keep chatting to the girls on here, they will give you lots of support. x