Needing a glimmer of hope after 3 later losses

[Heartfulloflove3]

Hi everyone. Not really sure how to write what I'm feeling or wanting to say but I'll give it a go.
My first loss was a silent or missed miscarriage August 2015 at 19+5 (a girl) then had a miscarriage June 2016 at 16+3 (a boy) and most recently had a third loss at 18+3 December 2016 which was another silent miscarriage (a girl).
I gave birth to our first and third babies as my body was unable to miscarry in the usual way and I'm so grateful to have met and held my babies for those few short hours. They are memories that I'll treasure forever.
I've had various tests completed after the second loss and awaiting the results from our third at the moment but so far no abnormalities have been found.
I'm finding it so hard to cope with my feelings at the moment and although I am so happy for many friends who are having successful pregnancies at the moment, I find it so hard to try to understand why I can't do it :(
I've met some amazing people who have been through similar things since my first loss who are beyond inspiring. But most of them have gone on to have successful pregnancies and sometimes they forget that I am yet to bring home a baby.
I guess I'm just feeling very lost and alone right now and just keep thinking about all the what ifs if they were here, and the biggest if being what if I'll never be able to bring home a baby.
Has anyone got any suggestions how they managed with their grief and the what ifs we face every day? Thank you so much for reading and for your time, sorry if I have waffled!

[Littlemisssugarplum88]

So sorry for you - can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I had a mmc at 11 weeks so I cant offer any advice when it's happened to you later on in pregnancy. I just wanted to offer my support.
Sending you lots of hugs xxx

[Marmiteontoast76]

I'm so sorry for your losses Heartfull. So completely heartbreaking. and cruel. I've had two later silent mmcs - a little girl in Sept 15 at 20 weeks, then a little boy in Feb 16 at 19 weeks. We had all NHS testing done after the first loss and nothing was found, baby was genetically normal. After 2nd loss we asked for my thyroid to be tested and NHS did a basic TSH test which indicated there was something going on. We then paid for private immune testing and turns out my thyroid antibodies were very high and I unknowingly had an auto immune disease called Hashimoto's. I'm angry with NHS for not doing thyroid tests after 1st loss as I feel it may have prevented the next loss. Have you had your thyroid tested? Where abouts are you based? Is private testing an option for you?

As for managing my grief, I threw myself into all sorts of activities/holidays/weekends away and work stuff to try and hide the grief and I focused on all the good things I have. I also came off facebook to avoid all the announcements and scan photos. It has got easier (well except for Christmas with too much time to think about what I've lost) but the longing to try again is always with me.

[DT2016]

No experience of late losses, mine was at 11 weeks, but wanted to say so sorry for what you are going through. The pain of losing a baby is unimaginable. I really hope the new year brings good things for you xx

[Heartfulloflove3]

Thank you both for your messages and I'm so sorry for your losses. My thyroid has been tested and there's nothing abnormal there. Now I've had 3 losses I've been offered further testing, more than what they generally do so maybe that will show up something. I'm based in the south and Private testing might be an option, we aren't sure yet.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who tries to fill the day and keep myself distracted - people keep telling me I shouldn't but I struggle when I have time to think and my other half works abroad most of the year at the moment so he can't keep me busy!

I know what you mean about Christmas and I hope you have been as well as you can these last few weeks.

I feel so guilty that I long to try again already but it's a desire that's been hard to ignore since our first loss. I know if I get pregnant again it won't change the way I feel about the others but right now I don't think I can mentally or physically cope with being pregnant again.

Thank you again for your replies.

[Heartfulloflove3]

Oops thank you to all of you, my phone didn't load all the replies until just now!

[cloudjumper]

I'm so sorry about your losses, it is so hard.

Have you considered getting counselling, if you not already are? With 3 losses as late as that, you should definitely be entitled to it.
I had counselling after my second-trimester mc, I was in a very dark place, and it helped me immensely, it was a lifeline. There are counselling services that specialise in pregnancy/infant loss, I can highly recommend it.

Hugs xxx

[Marmiteontoast76]

Have you heard of The Miscarriage Clinic in Epsom? They do extensive immune testing which can be expensive (1 to 2k) but they test for things the NHS don't. There is a thread over on the conception board called the pred thread and has lots of women that Dr S has helped.

[emily86]

So sorry to hear about your losses. I too have had 3 miscarriages, but all of mine have been early on. I cannot imagine what you have been through. My 3rd miscarriage was at the beginning of December and I am waiting for my appointment in the recurrent miscarriage clinic to come through.

I too spend a lot of my time thinking and worrying about what ifs and the future. I never used to be a massive worrier so it is quite a change for me. I agree distraction is good. I don't know if you enjoy exercising but I have also found running and signing up for 10ks and half marathons has given me something else to focus on.

I do hope the future holds bringing a baby home for both of us and that we can get some answers that will help us move forward.

[Redissuereader]

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. My daughter was born sleeping at 28 weeks in November and I think you are so brave after suffering a loss 3 times. I'm sorry I have no constructive advice to offer but wanted to tell you how brace you have been and are being

[Heartfulloflove3]

Thank you for all your kind messages and I'm so sorry for all your losses x
I had counselling about a year ago and waiting to have some more from a charity that specialises in baby loss. I find it really hard to verbalise how I feel so I'm hoping this for might help me in the meantime.
Thank you for the advice marmiteontoast, at the moment I can't afford to go privately but I will bear those details in mind.
Emily86 - thank you for the advice and I really hope you get your take home baby soon x i ran a half marathon last year to raise money for the charity that supported me and awareness of baby loss. I never thought I'd say it but I really miss running! It really helps me to relieve stress and I don't feel so trapped by everything when I'm out. Due to complications from the most recent birth I'm not allowe to exercise for a while which is a shame but hopefully can get back to it soon.
We are having a funeral this Friday for our little girl - I'm so scared and I don't even know why! Not sure I can do it in all honesty but have got to try to make her proud no matter how hard it is for me.

[Redissuereader]

You are making her proud, you are amazing and you will get through it. I didn't think I could get through my daughters but I did and I'm glad we did it. I dont know whether it would work for you but I found concentrating on a different task has helped. I've been getting the house renovated so have been decorating the rooms and that has helped keep me busy. You will be ok xxx

[BottomleyPottsSpots]

Thinking of you for tomorrow and praying hard for healing and hope for you, your partner and the three little ones you have lost xxx

[Redissuereader]

Big hugs for you heartfull today, you will get through it and I'm sending you lots of kind thoughts xx