Feeling lost after MMC, first pregnancy

(8 Posts)
user1480238312 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:41:26

Hi there. Sorry if this is all too much information, but I really feel like I need to get this out.

I really never thought that it would be me in this position.

This was my first pregnancy at 22 years old. My partner is 28.even though it was a surprise pregnancy (we called it the best 'oops' ever) we were really excited and this baby was so loved and wanted already.

However, last week when going for a private scan we were told that they could see nothing but an empty gestational sac at 6 and a half weeks. We were supposed to be ten and half. We were sent to the early pregnancy unit who basically told us not to hold our breath for good news but because the sac was under a certain size there was still a chance of the baby developing and we had to wait another week to be rescanned before the could confirm that the pregnancy was not viable. I had been having morning sickness etc the whole time and never suspected a thing was wrong.

Waiting for a whole week absolutely destroyed me. We went from hoping it was all a mistake and the dates were wrong to talking about Getting pregnant again As soon as possible. Every time we felt hopeful I tried not to be to avoid disappointment. Every time I felt like I had accepted that we weren't going to get this baby, I felt guilty for 'giving up' on them.

On Tuesday it was confirmed as a delayed miscarriage. The lady that did the scan was lovely and assured me that there was nothing I could have done wrong to cause it. They popped us in a room on our own next door and we're told a lady would come in to discuss our options with us. They kept us waiting for about 20 minutes which was fine apart from the fact that the little room was next to the consulting room where we had just had our scan and we could hear everything going on in there. The couple next door had good news.

After discussing options with the nurse we opted for medical management and I took the first lot of tablets straight away and was told to come back and spend the day in hospital on Thursday. They assured me that nothing should happen until taking the second lot of medication on Thursday even though there was a possibility it could start some bleeding but probably wouldn't cause the miscarriage to happen.

On Wednesday morning my partner went to work. I get t up at 8 o'clock and knew straight away that it had started, I don't know how but I just knew, and I was right. In the end my mum came over to keep me company through the day. Carrying on through the day it wasn't too painful, and that was manageable but just the saddest thing I have ever experienced. When the baby came out in the evening, I wrapped it up carefully and my mum took it away. I couldn't bear the thought of flushing it or throwing it away for it to go to the tip. It's not rubbish! But I knew that if I kept hold it then I would really struggle to even bury it somewhere and would want to keep hold of it even though I knew I couldn't.

I spoke to the ladies in the early pregnancy and they told me from the sounds of things I wouldn't need to go in the next day as the miscarriage had already happened completely while I had been at home.

The next day (yesterday) I woke up and just couldn't stop thinking "I'm not pregnant anymore" and it broke my heart. To rub salt in the wound some of our closest friends have told us about their healthy pregnancy with their due date being just days after ours would have been. I keep thinking about how they told us they had an early scan and that the heartbeat was really strong and it makes a little part of me die inside. I can't stop thinking about how much I would give to have heard a beautiful little heartbeat when we went for a scan. They are lovely people and I wish them well but I can't help but think 'why us?'. They say how they are so sorry and will be there for us but I can't help but feel like it's easy for them to say when their baby gets to live and ours doesn't. It seems so unfair to dangle that carrot in front of us and then snatch it away. And then I feel worse because I don't want to feel badly towards them and that makes me feel like a terrible person. I do t want to but sometimes I feel like I physically hate them.

My mum is going to bury him in her rose garden, overlooking the prettiest place at my childhood home/garden. I don't normally like roses but the baby was due in June and roses are actually the birth flower for that month so somehow it seems right. I feel like they will soon become my favourite flower.

At the moment I just feel so empty, like there is nothing to look forward to anymore. My partner has been amazing and cooked and cleaned etc when I can barely bring myself to get dressed or brush my teeth. I'm just praying that we can have a healthy pregnancy in the future, I don't think I could handle this again. I feel lost, like there's no point of me anymore. Like I haven't got a purpose. We had rearranged all of our wedding plans to accommodate having the baby and now we have moved them back to when they originally were. I want to throw myself into organising that again but I feel now like I will never enjoy anything ever again. I feel like there is no way I am ever going to teach that level of happiness I was at when I thought we were going to have the baby.

If no one reads this or replies then that is fine, I think I just need to get it out. There's lots of things I want to talk about to my friends and family at the moment but it's just a bit too raw for all of us at the moment. As soon as I try to talk about it I start to cry and then can't speak.

If you do read this, thank you so much. And please wish me luck for a lovely, happy, healthy, fat little baby in the future. I feel like I need all the luck I can get.

RoTo72 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:05:41

Massive hugs op. I had a missed miscarriage in November last yr and think about it daily. Those first few weeks r awful. Uv hormones and shock to deal with, let alone the what ifs and should have beens. I will say it will get easier. The pain fades and the shock of.what happened eases. Go easy on yourself. U will have good days and bad days. It's OK not to be OK. And it's OK also to laugh again, which u will do.

123456kent Sun 04-Dec-16 23:32:34

I hope you are feeling better now. Xxx
A lot of what you said really resonated with me, a surprise pregnany, MC, followed by a feeling of lack of purpose or enjoyment in anything in life and resentment towards healthy pregnancies. I felt it all.
My MC was 13 days ago and ai have come on leaps and bounds. I'm not saying I feel great, but I've surprised myself with getting better quickly. I'm enjoying things that felt pointless a week ago.
Remember, you have a 75% chance of a successful pregnany next time, the same as everyone else.
I hope you are getting on ok now xx

oliversmummy26 Wed 07-Dec-16 17:07:31

Oh love, I know just how you feel. I had a delayed miscarriage last week, had an MVA on Friday and felt so low and blue and have been generally sad for the last few days.

Your OH sounds just as wonderful as mine has been and it's lovely that your baby will be buried in your mum's rose garden and will never be forgotten.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, as much as this was an unplanned pregnancy it's lovely that you and your DP were so excited about it. Perhaps you can try again when you're ready. From all the reading I have done, having a miscarriage is no reason to think you any future pregnancies won't be successful...you are also apparently super fertile after a miscarriage.

Sending you lots of hugs, look after yourself and take all the time you need before you feel better, this is not a race, you can take it at your own pace xxx

user1480238312 Wed 07-Dec-16 18:18:01

Thanks so much ladies.

I'm still really struggling, four people I know have all announced they are having a baby in the last two weeks,and are all due around the same time I was supposed to be. I can't even describe how much it hurts to see their scan pictures and hear about how they heard the heartbeat. I guess it just feels like it's so easy for everyone else.

I'm really finding it hard to eat and sleep.. has anyone else felt like this!? I've lost 1st in 3 weeks...

I think as well the biggest shock was just that it was the last thing I expected as a healthy and very active (dance and yoga teacher) 22 year old.. it really can happen to everybody!!

One good thing that has come out of it though is that my OH and I have both realised that this is something we really want and feel ready for, so will try again soon, probably around Christmas. If I'm a pregnant bride in July I don't care, we have just decided that some things are more important and why put it all off!!

Thanks for all the support, it's definitely helped a little. I think I can see I tiny dot of light at the end of this dark dark tunnel now, I'll get there eventually. Sending lots of love back to all of you xxxx

oliversmummy26 Thu 08-Dec-16 10:36:52

Bless you, I'm pleased we have managed to be some comfort to you. It must be awful having to see friends be so happy about their pregnancies...

But it's good that you and your OH now know that you definitely would like a baby, getting back on the baby making train will give you something to focus on and work towards, it's what my DH and I are doing anyway...though now I'm goign to be back to obsessing about pregnancy and ovulation symptoms - it's a never ending cycle at the moment!

Just try to remember that you are healthy and young and you have plenty of time yet, it might be a long journey or it could be short, but the main thing is getting to the end with a gorgeous chubby baby in your arms - that day will come, I promise flowers

123456kent Thu 08-Dec-16 10:50:43

I'm feeling even better emotionally than before, it's now been 2.5 weeks, but am now seeing pregnancy announcements/scans on social media for babies due in June, same as our 'would be' due month, and that is hard. Other peoples pregnancies/babies get to me...it's a trait I wish I didn't have, I should just be happy for other people...
I am eating and sleeping fine, but grief/shock affects different people in different ways. Your appetite will kick start shortly and sleep will come back. It's all normal after a trauma, which a MC most certainly is.
The same as you, this accidental pregnancy has shown us what we want, and so we will be striving for that again and that keeps me going, the end goal... hopefully. Fingers crossed.
Best of luck to you too. I hope you are a bride with a bump in the summer!

ThisChristmas Thu 08-Dec-16 11:13:15

Sweetheart flowersflowersflowers

It hurts SO much. It really does. I will never forget the pain.

But...and I hope you don't mind me saying this...it does get better. There is light at the end of this horrible tunnel. I had a MMC and one year later I gave birth to DC3 who is now sleeping soundly upstairs. The best gift ever.

Please keep talking to us if it makes you feel any better.

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