Finding it hard to cope after miscarriage and breakup

[clare2016]

Hey guys, I thought talking to others who may be in a similar situation may help, so here goes..
In April this year I found out I was pregnant, although it wasn't planned, myself and my partner were so happy. Then in late May I started bleeding slightly. I went down to the hospital for an internal scan where it was diagnosed as a missed miscarriage. The way they described it was that my body hadn't realised that I'd misscarried yet, and they told me they weren't sure when I'd eventually miscarry but it would probably be within the next few weeks. For the next 3 weeks I didn't leave the house as I was so scared it would happen whilst I was out. I because very depressed during those weeks, just waiting to miscarry. When it eventually happened, although it was an awful experience, it was almost a relief in a way. I could now go back to work and get my life back on track. It's now been 6 months since that happened, and I'm still not over it. I think about it every day and it upsets me so much. To make matters worse me and my partner (we were together for 5 years) are no longer together. It was his choice to end it, he was finding it difficult to cope after the miscarriage too, and with the stresses of work it had had an impact on our relationship.
I just feel so low and sad, I've lost my partner and baby. I was hopeful that after the miscarriage we would try again, but now all hope for that is lost. My partner just doesn't seem to care about me anymore.
Sorry I don't mean to ramble on, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[Dinnerout1]

I'm really sorry for what's happened to you and miscarrying your baby and losing your partner as well.
I had the same experience years ago and at the time it's devastating because it's so fresh. In time your heal and move on and for some reason the feelings and emotions stay with females longer than it does for blokes. As I look back I do actually feel very fortunate that my bloke left me in my time of need and distress as I now know he wasn't for me and maybe it wasn't the right time to have the baby with this particular Bloke. I still remember the date I miscarried but I don't wonder about anything else because it wasn't meant to be. I used to wonder in the early stages if the baby survived would the bloke stayed.. Nope he wouldn't of and I would have had to cope with a baby by myself and the baby wouldn't have a father or the father wouldn't be interested. I'm now married, been inlove for years, have a child and another one on the way. Life is amazing and I feel blessed. You don't ever have to forget, it was your baby but you will move on and you will find someone who loves you dearly and wants children with you. X

[Georgiarose95]

I am going through a similar situation as you lost my baby when I was 6months pregnant but unlike you was never with the father. I think sometimes men need time to deal with things on their own and they push you away because of it. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, so don't blame yourself!

Ask him if he would like to meet up sometime to go for food or something that you used to do to spend time together before you were pregnant. This way you can spend time together and make him remember all those good times you had before the hard times.. You never know what could happen:) hope all goes well! XX

[Thingymaboob]

I know it feels hard now but I really believe things happen for a reason.
I was with someone and we had a horrible break up.
I was devastated. He told me he never really loved me.
I was so upset, begged him to come back and in a really depressed mad moment I quit my job and joined the ambulance service in another city. It was a very impulsive move. That was 8 years ago and now I have a lovely husband and feel very lucky despite only just suffering with a mc myself. I know that other bloke would have been awful. However, my current husband has been amazing. No one deserves to be treated like that. Cut yourself off from him! No good can come of it.

[clare2016]

Thank you so much guys, I really appreciate your kind words and advice. And I'm sorry to hear you've suffered losses yourselves.
I know it may sound silly but all I can think of is that I will not be having a baby anytime soon, now that we're not together.
I think I just need to accept that it is finally over between us, and then I can try moving on with my life.
I am seeing a therapist tomorrow, so hoping that will help.

[Zoo33]

I know this is an old thread, but I was wondering if the OP is still about and if so, how you're getting on? I'm going through this at the moment and am really struggling.

[TeggieVee]

Hey Zoo33. I just found this thread via google searches on the topic, because I recently went through this as well. Can imagine how you're feeling. How are you doing now? What have you been doing to cope?

I was with someone that pressured me to get pregnant for months. I did, lost the baby, then he dumped me. Everyone's situation is different, but I realized - after much self-reflection - that I was simply a rebound gone way too far for this person. But no matter why or how these things happen, you have to take care of you and try not to dwell too much on what happened, or why. Everyone makes mistakes, even when they think they should have known better. I have found it's important to understand it, have compassion (for yourself, mostly), and try to forgive, but it doesn't come easily. Every day is different for me: some days, I feel it truly was a blessing that the pregnancy didn't happen because both people (and the child) would have been far more miserable. I think, if a couple separates after something like this, there were underlying issues already that would have come to the surface, and been so much more difficult to deal with.

But some days, my heart and my spirit are just broken. I have also had 3 abortions in the past. So this experience has been extremely difficult for me to accept. Some days, I feel like a fool for letting it happen, ashamed, unlovable, and scared. But like others have mentioned, it just takes time and a LOT of personal work. I can't say I'm very good at it, but I have tried so hard to focus on healing and not on negative thoughts that can so easily consume your mind. For a while, you have to let yourself be sad. Go through the pain. Talk to people, be open and honest with yourself. But it's tough: tough to take care of yourself when you feel so heartbroken. You can do it, though. We have to remember that life is full of mistakes meant to show us a version of ourselves that is so much bigger and better than before. It has a way of leading you down the right path, even if it means going through some terrible s**t along the way.

Hope you're doing ok. Feel free to ask any questions or just....talk your heart out :) It really helps. Huge hugs,
B

[Zoo33]

Hi @TeggieVee Thanks so much for replying. I'm doing okay I think, seeing a counsellor finally which I hope will help.

My breakup is mixed with realising I was in an emotionally abuse relationship so it's rather bittersweet - relief that I'm out with no ties to him but total devastation at losing a baby I really wanted and grief at losing the relationship I thought I had. It's been 6 months since the miscarriage but it still feels so fresh. My due date is rapidly approaching which doesn't help.

I'm so sorry you've been through this and about your abortions. It must be harder in a way because you'd decided to have this baby, despite being pressured into getting pregnant. That's pretty brutal for you. As much as you wouldn't want to bring a child into an unhappy relationship, knowing that does absolutely nothing to stop the pain.

I've got friends that seem to sail through life happy and oblivious, easy pregnancies, loving relationships. I know they will have their own problems, but I wonder what I did so wrong. That I hope is where the counselling helps!!

I talk to my family until I think they're bored with it. Talking really helps. I've been signed off work for a bit with anxiety so am hiding from the world right now.

My coping strategy is essentially based on planning a relocation and career change, buying a house, and planning holidays I wouldn't have been able to go on (either with him or because I should have been 8 months pregnant). I hope you're doing okay. How are you coping?

[TeggieVee]

That's really great to hear, Zoo33, that you're seeing a counselor. I am going to do the same and I think that's a great idea: talking to those who love you and are close to you is great too. A counselor will likely be someone who can really help you work through any issues with ourselves that lead to these kinds of decisions, and also help you process the grief. Hope you find a good fit :)

yes, I can understand the mixed feelings: I have them as well. Feeling relief that it did happen, since it wasn't the right situation in which to have a baby anyway, but you can't help grieving the loss of not only the pregnancy, but the hopes and dreams you once had with this person. It's devastating, and probably changes from one day to the next. I try to remember that it's good to approach it that way: one day at a time. And just focus on the good ones getting better. Because they will.

You are right that everyone has problems and pain and suffering. It's a fact of life. But I know it's hard not to compare yourself to others. I do it too. We have to remember that - as much as these mistakes in life are so so difficult to deal with - they happen to everyone and we have to make sure we don't run ourselves into the ground with guilt and blame. You didn't do ANYthing wrong! As hard as it is (and I feel like a hypocrite for saying this, because I have a really hard time with it too!) we have to try not to have regrets. I have no doubt that some day down the road, you will look back on this experience and be thankful you had it....because it made you who you are. An awesome person who got through some serious s**t and are so much better for it. But I know it takes time, and a lot of work. You seem to be on the right path though. Keep it up.

So sorry to hear you had to take time off work, but good that you did: you have to do whatever it takes to get though it now, or it will just haunt your future. So glad that you took that step if you needed it. I hope you don't isolate too much. It can be needed, when you just have to be sad for a while, and I know it's hard....I am finding it tough to stay healthy and try to get out there. But being around positive influences in your life, and staying connected with people, is so important. So I hope you can manage to do that.

Making plans is good too. I have found it helpful to set goals for myself and work towards them, so that you don't feel like your life is aimless. It helps to also see that....you can and deserve to have a good life, despite all that has happened :) Definitely focus on you, and what you need and want.

I am ok....half the time, I guess :P Thank you for asking, Zoo33. The miscarriage happened only 2.5 months ago and we separated just 3 weeks ago. So it's still very fresh and my mind is consumed with negative thoughts most of the time, unfortunately. It's not great and I wish I had more ability to control that negatvity, but am finding it really hard. I am not sure if it's par for the course right now, or if I could be doing things differently, but really trying. To cope, I have been doing more yoga, started journalling, and doing daily meditations. I have found they all really help to calm the mind, even if only for a little while. Talking to friends and family as well, and just trying to focus on doing what is most important to me in life. Hope you're able to do the same, and please do message any time! It really helps to chat with others that have been through something similar. Huge hugs to you!! Thanks so much for all the kind words :)

[mayasimone82]

I stumbled upon this old thread. I too went through the same situation. I miscarried last April and my boyfriend (we were together for three and a half years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship.) broke up with me three months later. Yes I know that it's been a year since I miscarried and nine months since my break up. However, I'm having an extremely hard time coping. I feel like my depression has stopped to a low point. I have no zest for life. I agree I feel like a lot of my friends and others breeze through life with their babies, marriages, etc. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's been hard not to. Especially with Mother's Day approaching. It's hard not to think about the what ifs.

I have to find a way to cope but I'm just extremely sad and angry. I feel bad that anyone has gone through the same heartache but, I was somewhat relieved to see that others could relate.

[Zoo33]

Hi @mayasimone82 I'm so sorry that you've been through this. I too felt a bit relieved at finding others in the same situation because everyone else I know who miscarried is able to try again whereas I can't, so nobody understands.

I assume you're not in the UK? Is counselling available / could you afford it? I'm seeing a counsellor and I think it's really helping. She says the miscarriage isn't something I'll ever really get over and that it's okay not to "get over it" like everyone seems to think we should. She says the pain will become more manageable but it'll always be there. If nothing else it's good to talk about it with someone. I've never had counselling before as I always thought it was pointless, but I reached such a low point that I figured I had nothing to lose. Have you got supportive people around you?

[mayasimone82]

Thank you for responding. You're correct I'm not in the UK. I reside in the US. I know this site is for those in the UK but I really wanted to respond to you. I can relate to you because I was faced with the same hurt, that others could try again but I didn't have that option. My boyfriend and I talked about trying again a month after the loss but, I in hindsight I now think he only said it could be a thought, to appease me. As he left two months later. I'm 35 so I fear that was my last chance to have another baby.
Right after my loss I went to counseling twice. The first counselor was nice but, I didn't think she was a good fit for me. The second counselor was great.
However, I didn't go back because she stated that I was mourning and that it was going to take time. Which I agree with. She gave me some suggestions on what I could do to try and feel better. I started working out a lot because I started to feel like my body let me down. Even with working out the thoughts of all that I lost last year are still with me.
Anniversaries and special dates crush me. Last year I decided that I wasn't going to go back to counseling because I felt that talking to a therapist wasn't going to make my hurt and pain go away. I'm at my lowest point now so I've decided that I'm going to give counseling another try. I just hate that any woman has gone through such pain. I really appreciate you responding. I hope that counseling will help you with the healing process and that things will turn around for you. (Sorry I know this is long.)

[Zoo33]

@mayasimone82 I think this site has people from all over the world, although most are in the UK I think. It doesn't really matter, does it?

Everyone says it takes time to come to terms with a loss - and we've suffered two at once (the miscarriage and the relationship). The relationship I'm starting to deal with because he was horrible and I'm excited at what the future holds although I never saw myself single and childless at almost 35. I feel a bit numb at the moment but my due date is less than 2 weeks away. It's the biggest milestone I've faced. My 13 week scan was a milestone too but it's the day I had surgery after failed medical management so that was a bit of an emotional blur.

How have you been feeling this week?

[LunaTheVampire]

Currently in this situation :’(

[Smnz]

Hey, I’m currently going through this too if you see this and want to chat...I agree with some of the comments above that’s it’s actually comforting to know other people have gone through this double loss. I was in an excellent relationship, I thought we were perfect. We were so excited to be pregnant. As soon as we had a scan and found out there was no longer a heartbeat my partner went cold. He just said he couldn’t be with me anymore. It’s been the worst two weeks ever and I’m hoping I wake up and it’s all been a horrible nightmare. Nothing I say will change his mind or make him want to try and work it out. I thought dealing with a miscarriage was going to be hard but the fact it took my relationship as well just does my head in.

[Pumbalu]

Hi everyone. So sorry for all your losses. Ive recently had a missed miscarriage and the day after the miscarriage itself my partner left me. 6 months ago I had a little boy still born and my partner was awful through this pregnancy too. He shuts down at anything he cant cope with and becomes very abusive. He has always had massive anxiety issues and ive tried to get him to seek help but stupidly staying with him expecting change without it. Now hes left me again and im devastated. Coping with so much loss and emptiness as well as turning 40 next year and no chance of getting pregnant again now im single. How on earth can you get through this? I have counselling booked in to help me process the pain and sadness that is consuming me. All I want is to be pregnant again or at least have that chance. Especially at my age. I feel like mother nature let me experience child birth and the feeling of being pregnant, made me realise how much I want it and a family then took it all away. If I was 25 or 35 maybe id feel like at least I have time to heal and then try again to meet someone but its so hard knowing that time is fast running out and so I need to accept that this may be my story. My only child was our little boy who I at least got to meet and hold. I just want to speak to someone who has got through it and is ok!

[Pumbalu]

Hey Smnz im sorry to hear youre going through the same thing. Its so raw and painful and I feel so isolated in it all. Like only my partner can help me get through this and hes gone and made it even worse! Ive taken myself off for a few days with my dog to fully shut down and not have to engage in life but of course the pain and sadness follow and i cant escape it. I keep trying to find reason for him leaving, talking myself in and out of going to see him which I know is wrong. He treated me horrifically throughout the relationship but he is so connected to these babies and my chance of having one I find it so hard to accept hes gone. Until now I thought my life was so cruisy then you get this and realise how dark it can turn. I thought I was a strong person and now I feel so vulnerable and fragile. Someone wrote something somewhere about if your partner cant help you at your weakest or be there for you they arent right for you. And its so true. My partner left and I begged him to support me in some way and he said its too heavy for him to deal with and has since fully shut me out. No ability to show any care for what im going through. Only for his own feelings. Il never get my head around how someone can treat someome they apparently love this way.

[Smnz]

Ohhhh Pumbalu, I’m so sorry to hear your story!! It’s so unfair. No one deserves to go through this. I wish I had some amazing words to make it all the pain go away.
It’s crazy, you go through losing a baby and all you want is your person their with you, you feel only they understand. And then they’re able to completely disconnect themselves emotionally and make it all worse for you.
It’s been 4 weeks now since I had a scan and found out that baby no longer had a heartbeat and I feel like my partner (ex??) is finally starting to realise what he’s done. We still talk a lot, which I feel has been helping me but I just hope it’s not prolonging the inevitable. It has certainly taught me how differently we all deal with grief..he all of a sudden lost control of a situation and couldn’t handle it so he pushed me away to try and regain control of his life. But now he’s realising this isn’t what he wants.
I know it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I’m sure good things are coming your way, you definitely deserve it. Try to focus on yourself, get your life back, love yourself and good things will happen. Xx

[Lucw]

Hi there I'm going through a similar situation right now would just like some guidance on how all of you are coping.

I just miscarriaged twins and at the same time found conversations between my boyfriend and other women. We had plans to get married in November and move in together in the near future.

I am devastated and not coping well at all.

[Pumbalu]

Hi there. Im so sorry to hear your loss and such devastating news on top to have to deal with. When I was at my worst I knew I had to get through it so I tried hypnotherapy to help with the grief and booked myself a week in cornwall to be alone. Whilst down there i took long walks with my dog, cried every day, every where. Booked myself a massage, booked myself a tattoo, thought about what I could do now my life had gone in a different direction that I couldnt have done before. Such as focus on my work, plan a trip to india. Throw everything at your grief that you can and allow yourself to feel it. You will get to the other side. There will be life after this there always is and it will make you stronger. I wish you all the best. One other thing, talk to good friends who can listen well and support you x

[Frankie198]

Hi
Not sure if anyone is still looking at this thread but if they are then I wanted to have a rant.
I had an ectopic pregnancy at Christmas, I’ve been living abroad so going back after the operation was really tough and my mood was up and down. My partner made it a lot harder, blamed me for it happening, continued to drink and message a woman who he previously had an affair with (in a previous relationship).. I hit my breaking point and had to get on a plane home to be around friends and family.
I’ve been back 2 weeks, he ended it once id just got back on a text message, but sent confusing messages asking when I’d be back. it’s been the hardest time of my life- losing a pregnancy, a relationship and now my home and job.
It’s the relationship I’m finding the hardest, the feeling that when at my lowest and so in need of help he’s treated me like this and ended our relationship over WhatsApp. I’m desperately trying to stay strong and build this up again but some days I just don’t even want to get out of bed. I have friends but none really nearby, and these things make you realise people just want to get on with their on lives, this is also making me sad as the number of friends I’ve been there for at hard times simply aren’t really there for me now. This is tough!

[Ejstagg]

Hi Frankie, just wanted to drop a line to say you're not alone, I'm also going through this with you.
I lost my little boy on the day you posted and last night my partner left, but not before smashing up the house we had moved in to less than 24 hours beforehand. I'm still numb with pain, my eyes heart and my heart hurts from all of the sobbing.
As I've moved around so much I also have very few friends who I can call on, in-fact most still don't know that my baby Jonas is now in Heaven. My Mum has been great and also my little dog, I did have 2 but he has demanded the other one, which I understand, he hurts too, but men generally don't talk, although some do!
I completely agree, this is tough! I've been speaking to an amazing counsellor who has been helping me with loss (she also conducted the funeral service) and that has helped greatly on a spiritual level, on a physical level though, I feel like I'll never move again. But I truly believe that time will heal if not ease the pain, eventually. Be so gentle with yourself and give yourself all the love and support you need. Just know that there are other who are going through your pain. x

[Luna19]

What a wave of reassurance I have reading these posts. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for all of you women, but it’s nice to know you’re not alone. When I found I was pregnant my partner and I (we’d bee trying) were over the moon! Our dreams had come true. When I had my loss we were devastated but hopefully as we finally knew we could get pregnant. It’s been 4 weeks now and it seems like our relationship is nearing its end. I feel like I’m living with a different person who doesn’t understand how I’m feeling. I’ve sought professional help to help me deal with this but I’d anyone wants to reach out and perhaps create a Facebook group I’d be up for that. I would love to hear some stories of hope an inspiration. I’m weeks away from my 30th birthday and this is not what I had planned for this point in my life 💔

[Loulou4401]

Hello Ladies, I feel for all of you and am currently experiencing the same heartbreak. We unexpectedly got pregnant and should have both known better in our forties what could happen when you don't take precaution but didn't....I think because we were so happy and things were going so well. He was excited to start with and when the miscarriage happened he was so good. This all coincided with a family holiday with his children and whole family something he hadn't done in a long time due to previous serious alcohol issues which I was so supportive of and loved him for. Since we arrived back last week something changed and has now resulted in our relationship ending. I think he blames me for not being careful and that somehow I had deceived him which is the farthest thing from the truth I didn't think I could get pregnant due to previous miscarriages. I have now lost the one person that I felt truely at ease with and loved so entirely with my whole heart. I know life will go on and I have been through worse than this but it is amazing how when you need someone the most in your life you get to see what they are truely made of and either have the fortitude to step up and work through it or take the less painful route and leave. You have all given me some wonderful inspiration here so thank you.

[Mmae3]

How did you get through this? I am going through the exact same situation now and I am pretty hopeless