Coping with other people's pregnancies after a miscarriage

(11 Posts)
emsler Fri 11-Nov-16 12:08:26

I'm sure it's the same for everyone that after a miscarriage, it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant. I've learned to deal with the Facebook updates and scan pictures and whatever after my miscarriage last month (MMC, had ERPC on 17th October) but what I'm finding really hard to deal with is that my two best friends are both pregnant - and in fact one of them is due on the same day as I was. The logical, sensible part of me is over the moon for them both, especially as for one of them it's been a difficult journey, and I am grateful and proud that they've both chosen to tell me early and confide in me. But there's a small emotional part of me that's finding it hard to handle and because it's my two best friends, I don't really have anyone else to talk to about these feelings! My husband is wonderful and very understanding but I don't think he quite gets the very visceral, almost physical feeling of sadness that I have to try and cover up whenever I'm talking to them.

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. I don't want to distance myself from either of them or not be involved (one of them I'm related to, the other one is the mother of my godson, and I love them both dearly) and both of them were amazing, wonderful support throughout my very drawn out miscarriage so I desperately want to be able to support them in the same way. But any other advice would be really welcomed. I think I just want to be able to be fully excited for and with them, and currently most of me is, but a tiny part of me is really, really sad...

Thanks ladies. I don't know what I'd have done without this forum through this whole process. x

jimijack Fri 11-Nov-16 12:25:21

Well yes, it is excruciating, the sadness that is.

I came off facebook, avoided that stuff. Close friends you can't avoid though can you. I never wanted to make anyone else feel uncomfortable because of what had happened to me.

I kind of grew a huge pair off bollocks, forcefully turned my thinking round and viewed other people's pregnancies as theirs, not mine, nothing to do with me, just theirs alone.
My guts felt like they were being ripped out even seeing a pregnant belly, the hardest harshest aspect of trying to smile and look happy/pleased/excited/interested for them.

My good friends knew I suppose as it wasn't forced down my throat.
I have no advice, you get through in your own way I suppose. It's awful, but you do get through.

3luckystars Fri 11-Nov-16 12:38:20

I have been I your situation, a few times. The miscarriages did hurt but I always kept in my mind that the other pregnant girls were not having my baby, there isn't a set number of babies in the world, they hadn't taken my one, their pregnancy had no impact on my chances, and hopefully my little baby was just a bit delayed.

I will never forget the ones I lost, and always felt that its a long road without a turn. Maybe in the future my friends may suffer a loss and I might be a help to them?

You would be heartbroken whether your friends were pregnant or not, its awful and I felt lonely, but keep talking and I hope it get easier in time. Good luck x

Thingymaboob Fri 11-Nov-16 20:59:59

I think you sound very measured about the entire situation.
My nephew was born on day I miscarried. That was 3 weeks ago. I am forcing myself to go on Sunday.
I really feel incredibly angry with some women who are pregnant / have recently had babies. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Life is so unfair!
One got pregnant by accident - on the pill but had food poisoning. Now she's the most preachy annoying pregnant woman who makes out likes she's the only one who has ever been pregnant. She's very insensitive without knowing it.
Another woman at work is such an idiot. She was having unprotected sex with someone who treated her badly and blamed him. She didn't even realise until she was 4 months gone and now she's on benefits and trying to get pregnant again so she can get a bigger council flat.
Another woman at work is 45. She had multiple serious health problems and didn't realise until she was 20 weeks and started showing. Her other children are in their early 20s.
I know every story is different and every child is precious but I'm so frustrated that these people are totally unprepared for a child, didn't even want one and are now being total assholes about it. Aaaaaaaaaargh!
I feel so cheated and I could bloody scream!

Caterina99 Sat 12-Nov-16 01:36:47

I've no advice really as I'm in the same situation. I though I was doing ok after ectopic last month and then a friend just told me she is pregnant and her due date is very close to what mine would be. We see each other often as our DSs are the same age. She is lovely, has no idea about my mc and it's very hard to be happy for her without letting the sadness and jealousy get to me. I know her baby is not my baby, but it's still hard

Endmoor1405 Sat 12-Nov-16 19:51:11

I'm in a very similar situation to you. My best friend and my sister in law both just had their babies (literally the same week!!). I'm being entirely irrational by not wanting to see them since my mmc in July but I can't help it. In my head I would have had a wonderful bump by now, our babies would only be about 6 months apart when ours arrived and our lives would be super wonderful and all the rest of it. Only it's not.

I guess what PP have said is true- they aren't having your baby and they aren't reducing your chances by having one. But I also know that there is a completely irrational part of me that cannot face going to see them. My best friend (well, the jury is now out on that one since she's told everyone that I'm not friends with her any more because she's had a baby and I'm jealous because I don't- if only it were actually that simple!!) she hasn't forced me to go and see her (although this is probably for the previous reason rather than actual compassion as she's shown none so far) and knows I will go when I'm ready, but my sister in law (who also suffered a mc before her boy so I feel like she should understand as well as anyone!) is forcing herself upon us next weekend and the thought of it makes me actually panic. It's the small stuff like how I know I should bring her a gift or a card or something, but I can't face buying or being near anything baby related because I should have been buying stuff for our baby by now. And I'm not. It's also the idea that I won't be able to just go if I find it too much because I'll feel rude. I already feel trapped and she's not even here yet.

I guess I'm just going to have to find some very big, very grown up big girl panties and pull them up just about as high as I can. As someone else has said it might help if I grew an enormous pair of bollocks!

Sorry if this isn't helpful but I'm similar to you in that I don't really have anyone else to talk to who has a proper understanding of what it is like.

PurpleTraitor Sat 12-Nov-16 20:00:20

Why cant you talk to your two best friends about your feelings? If they've anything about them, they should support you. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs.

It's upsetting, I do realise, miscarriages are hard, but we were all inside a pregnancy bubble once and we know how it feels to be in there. The difference is for some people the pregnancy bubble bursts at different times. I didn't get mine for very long (I lost my first pregnancy at 15 weeks) so all subsequent pregnancies and my further losses have been tainted with that knowledge in a way you just don't understand at the time....but we all have a path to tread. It's rarely the baby we are envious of, it's the insulation of the pregnancy bubble we crave.....allow them to know how you feel. You'll feel better for sharing.

emsler Mon 14-Nov-16 22:16:38

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling much calmer about it all now. PurpleTraitor: I have spoken to them, like I say both were with me every step of the way through my pregnancy and one has had miscarriages herself so they know how I feel. In fact I think a big part of the reason I'm sad is that I have tainted the experience for the other as she knows what I went through and therefore hasn't been able to have the pregnancy bubble - I feel guilty that she's missed out on that because of me. But both their pregnancies are going well and that gives me hope and comfort that it will be my turn one day - and that's helping to counteract the sadness. I can totally understand why some people wouldn't want to be around pregnant women after a miscarriage but these two are so precious to me that it's not really an option, and my happiness for them is balancing out the sadness. Thank you all for your advice and thoughts, I really appreciate it. x

felineways Tue 15-Nov-16 11:25:20

Emsler I was going to post for similar reasons. It's really hard I find my friends pregnancy such visual reminder of the future that ive now lost.

She is my friend I love her but for my own sanity I can not be there every step of the way. We met when we were pregnant with our first and if things had worked would ( by chance)have had our second close together too. However instead I lost the the pregnancy with the same due date and then fell pregnant again and had another miscarriage. I would have loved to be sharing and supporting pregnancy highs and lows. But I'm not and there is a limit to how much time and emotional engery I can offer her. It's not her fault and she needs and deserves time to plan, be excited, moan and worry about her baby with friends. However my miscarriage means for both our sakes I can't do as much Id normally do.

My first pregnancy also ended i miscarriage after a long time trying. I found I needed have fun child free time to help heal. Other peoples baby's were magical beautiful and special. I wasn't jealous but it was so bittersweet as it reinforced my own sense of loss. It's hard to be out of step with close friend at the best of times. But be kind to yourself close friendships last a life time.

user1480238312 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:16:40

I know how you are feeling.

I miscarried on Wednesday after having a missed miscarriage officially diagnosed in the Tuesday, 1 week after a scan in which they said the pregnancy 'probably' wasn't viable but they would give it a week just in case it developed. I was supposed to be 11 and a half weeks but the baby never made it past 6 and a half.

My OHs best friend and his fiancée announced that they were pregnant when they were nine weeks as they had paid for an early scan and heard a heartbeat (which they told me was really strong- thanks a fucking lot). Their due date is the day after ours was supposed to be.

They know we lost the baby last week, but keep messaging us saying how sorry they are, but they are the last people I want to speak to right now. I don't want to feel like this because I know they are being kind and it comes from a good place but I really just want to scream and tell them to fuck off. I am happy for them somewhere in my heart and wouldn't wish I'll upon them. This is so hard because it's making me feel like a different person, bitter and selfish. I know that they are not trying to upset me but I feel like these things are easy for them to say when their baby gets to live and ours doesn't. It just seems so easy for some people. Their wedding is in a month and it is the last thing I want to go to.

heebiejeebie Sun 27-Nov-16 10:25:46

If the situation was reversed and they said to you - look there's a little bit of me that's struggling - OF COURSE you would understand that and want to give them as much space and time as they needed. They won't be oblivious to the pain and will feel awkwardness too - trust them to understand and let you be as close or distant As you need to be

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