I'm so desperate to shout. "You are so naive!"

(53 Posts)
FrazzleRock Mon 17-Oct-16 11:35:02

I read something just now. A very lucky lady has just discovered she is pregnant. Obviously this is wonderful news for her. She is quite understandably ecstatic. As was I when I found out we were expecting our babies.

But I am chewing my fingers off to stop myself saying anything. Now I have entered this nasty dark world of miscarriage and babyloss I feel like I've lost all that lovely innocence sad
She's so excited about the baby being due in the summer and talking about morning sickness. Now I know 1 in 4 pregnancies ends badly, I can't help but feel so sad for these women. I just cannot bear to think of it happening to anyone else but it is going to keep happening and people are going to continue to have their lives shattered.

I want to post a congratulations, but I just feel so desperately sad for her and have this awful anxious fear for her sad. I felt exactly the same as her before I experienced miscarriage, just totally and utterly naive. I expected to meet my baby three weeks ago, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be holding my baby in my arms. But I am not. I am empty.

Obviously I won't say anything but it just pains me so much and I hope hope hope that she doesnt experience this devastating heartbreak.

That's it really. I just needed to write it down.

Angelto5 Mon 17-Oct-16 11:39:20

Not sure what to say but your feelings are understandable flowers

FrazzleRock Mon 17-Oct-16 12:31:54

Thanks Angel. Yeah, I know. I dont think I really expected a reply. just needed to write it down somewhere and wanted someone to read it and go, yep, that makes sense, like you have.

Part of me wants that innocence back, but I also think it's better to be emotionally and physically prepared (as much as is humanly possible anyway). If I was ever lucky enough to be pregnant again, I would be taking every single minute very nervously

Helbelle75 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:45:45

I know, completely with you. Someone I know had posted all over FB about her pregnancy, and I said to Dsis that I hope things go well for her - I was worried. Sadly, she lost the baby. So, so awful.
I'm now 15 weeks pregnant and still feeling anxious about things, as I know 2 people who have miscarried at 16 weeks this year. Miscarriage does completely take away the innocence of pregnancy.

FrazzleRock Mon 17-Oct-16 12:53:14

It is so sad isn't it HelBelle. Pregnancy should be such a joyous time. I hope that all goes well for you this time.

I remember that innocent so clearly. I went to breastfeeding classes at only 6 weeks pregnant, I was that excited! I posted on MN about the names we chose and questions about the pram we wanted.
Miscarriage was just so unexpected. I never realised how common it is. Especially after having two children previously and not having any issues, except fertility issues, but nothing once I was pregnant. No losses, no trouble at all and I hadn't heard of many people who had gone through the loss of a baby. And if I did, I would just think the age old "that only happens to other people". I guess I was just extremely lucky back then.

Helbelle75 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:03:03

Yes, we were so excited. We're both older (41 and 42) and it only took 2 months to conceive. We've had a lot of loss in our lives and thought that this was our time. Then I had a MMC at 10.5 weeks and it devastated me.
As people don't talk about it, I didn't realise how common it was. Now, I make sure I talk about it, and through that have had a lot of stories and other people's experiences. It's utterly devastating.
Everything seems to be progressing well this time. I'll be very happy when I get to the 20 weeks scan.

Marmiteontoast76 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:15:05

Completely understand. I remember that innocence, in fact I had no idea how lucky I was having my 2 dcs and how hard it may have been for others seeing my early scans posted on FB. We have now entered the dark and devastating world of late miscarriage. I've now come off of fb as I can't bear seeing others pregnancy announcements as I'm flooded with anxiety for them and also reminded of my own awful moments in the scan room. Friends of mine who have never sufferered a mc kind of glaze over when I try to talk about mine, I'm sure they are having that 'well it will never happen to me' thought which I used to have. A good friend of mine has suffered from years of infertility but it finally preg and now 21 weeks. She has already bought the baby clothes and decorated the nursery and I'm just so nervous for her....just pray her baby will be fine.

RoseAnnear Tue 18-Oct-16 00:15:17

In my friendship group of 4 friends we have had 16 pregnancies...there are 5 babies here today.

I understand why you feel as you do.

FrazzleRock Tue 18-Oct-16 11:51:46

Marmiteontoast76 I am tempted to do the same re FB, but I have various groups I need to keep up with because of school commitments amongst other things.
Helbelle75 I share lots of posts about miscarriage to raise awareness and to show that is is absolutely normal to talk about it. I also like to show that I am fighting to have better mental health car post babyloss (I wrote to my MP and got a response!). However, I found out yesterday through DP that his pregnant step sister has hidden me as I am scaring her too much! I totally understand that but wouldn't it be nice to be on that side of the fence, eh? I guess it is no different to me hiding all the pregnant people on FB... I am trying not to let it get to me but I can't help but want to tell her how lucky she is to be in her position - obviously I won't! And obviously it is a scary time when someone in the family has lost two babies (me). I know that I will be terrified if I am ever lucky enough to be pregnant again
RoseAnnear That is terribly terribly sad flowers
Makes me think of my team at work. Out of six of us, three babies have died this year (my MC, my MMC and my colleagues baby who died 5 days after birth), and one has suffered an ectopic in the past. It's been a rough year.

ExceptInExtremis Tue 18-Oct-16 11:54:09

I understand.

I had a miscarriage first time round and apart from the sadness, the loss, the taboo, it also altered my subsequent pregnancies (2 successful, 3 more miscarriages). I never experienced a happy pregnancy and I regret that.

LyndaNotLinda Tue 18-Oct-16 12:01:11

I know how you feel frazzled - I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage and I am terribly doom and gloom about other people's pregnancies - I can't help myself.

Like you say, Except, I suspect that if your first pregnancy/ies end in miscarriage, it's pretty much impossible to have a happy and relaxed pregnancy. It makes me sad sad

Murphysgirl Tue 18-Oct-16 12:07:16

I know exactly how you feel. I've had four pregnancy losses and whilst I was always so happy to get a positive HPT it was just the start of an enormous amount of worry and fear that it was all going to go wrong again.

When people announce their news very early on I congratulate them feel scared for them and can't fully feel glad for them until they are a few months in and their chance of miscarriage is reduced.

FrazzleRock Tue 18-Oct-16 12:12:56

I've just realised I have totally contradicted myself. being scared for pregnant women, yet feeling slightly annoyed that pregnant step sister has hidden me for that very reason.
Man, I'm an idiot sometimes. Very mixed bag of emotions.

Do you ever just want to have yourself back? Does that person ever return?

ExceptInExtremis It is regretful, but what can you do? I know for a fact I will never feel safe in pregnancy, but it is supposed to be such a joyous time. I adored being pregnant with my boys and was fortunate not to have suffered a loss before them, and then again with my first one that ended in MMC. I just felt so excited and happy. We've all been robbed of ever having that feeling again haven't we. As if the loss wasn't bad enough. It's shit. flowers

HumphreyCobblers Tue 18-Oct-16 12:27:18

I try to be envious of that happy ignorance but I struggle. Especially when people talk about finding out the sex as if that is all the twenty week scan is about.

After having terrible, life changing news at a twenty week scan I want to tell them it is an anomaly scan, not just a chance to find out what sex you are having. I obviously don't do this but I want to.

Helbelle75 Tue 18-Oct-16 12:43:18

I'm not sure if you ever return to yourself Frazzle. Before my MMC I was a very outgoing person with lots of hobbies and liked nothing better than being amongst people. Now all I want to do is sit at home and read. I've even stopped doing my beloved ballet. I feel very much that I've changed beyond repair.

FrazzleRock Tue 18-Oct-16 12:55:35

Humphrey I agree wholeheartedly now. But before, it was all about finding out the sex or seeing my baby on the screen. So blissfully ignorant and naive. I even expected to see a bouncy baby at the scan that turned out to show us our baby's heart had stopped. It just never occured to me she might have died. I just wanted to see my baby wriggling around.

I am so sorry you have been through such a bad time.

Helbelle This is what scares me. I was the same as you were. But I have become a hermit and the thought of going out and enjoying myself fills me with dread and anxiety. I know DP misses the old me and is clinging to the hope that I will be back, but I really don't think I will be. It terrifies me that he will leave me eventually.
Do you think if we force ourselves to do things we don't feel like doing, that it will all come back to us?

sianihedgehog Tue 18-Oct-16 13:16:55

I knew how common it is and still announced my pregnancy early. My reasoning was that I would really want all the support and understanding if I miscarried. And I did miscarry.

I had a much easier time of it emotionally than a lot of women because I knew how common it is and because I didn't have to go through it alone in silence. I wish everyone announced early and talked about it more, the shock and the taboo are the very worst parts. Nothing that is so common should be so painful.

FrazzleRock Tue 18-Oct-16 13:49:39

I believe that too siani. I'll definitely be announcing it early if there is a next time.

Helbelle75 Tue 18-Oct-16 14:41:54

I hope very much that I get back to my old self frazzle. I will have to force myself to do things, but I'm also dreadfully anxious about my baby bump, now 15 weeks. I'm scared to do anything that might hurt it, even though I know realistically that what will be will be.
We need to be kind to ourselves.

HobnailsandTaffeta Tue 18-Oct-16 14:45:52

I understand your feelings, this is why I bite my Tongue and just decline every baby shower invite. I want to scream "don't be so sure!".

But having a stillborn nephew and a MMC myself, then 3 successful pregnancies I also understand you can't remove other joy and freedom from fear. You can only support them if they fall too.

KickAssAngel Tue 18-Oct-16 14:56:04

I think it's quite shocking that someone can get to the stage in life where they are pregnant and NOT know this stuff - why isn't this being taught/talked about etc?

I grew up in a family with 2 aunts who had 4 kids each whilst I was a teenager, so there were endless conversations about children/babies and all the good, bad and ugly about it all. none of it was a shock to me. When there is always at least one pregnant woman and/or babes in arms at every family gathering, you do just talk about all this stuff so I kind of absorbed it naturally.

We really should talk about this stuff. I really hate when people try to 'shsh' conversations because there are children listening or it isn't 'proper'. People need to hear these conversations and it shouldn't be a horrible shock.

FrazzleRock Tue 18-Oct-16 15:25:55

kickass you are absolutely spot on! I talk about it with my children, mainly because our baby was their sister and I'd like them to remember her. Secondly, they need to know about miscarriage. Its so important that they know how common it is. I did know that it was possible but, like I say, I was naive and ignorant to it.
I come from a very small family so the only baby I grew up with was my younger sister. No one I knew growing up had experienced such a tragedy, or it just wasn't talked about (my family do not do emotions, sadly). I knew about miscarriage as an adult, but I just never imagined it would happen to me. I think I assumed if I was healthy, my child would be. But back when I had my DC, I had spent such a long time trying and failing to fall pregnant, losing the baby once conceived never occured to me. I was pregnant twice in ten years and I know now that I was extremely lucky that I didn't lose them. It's just this year that we've suffered twice. Tables seem to have turned, different partner and I fell pregnant easily twice, but they just didn't survive sad

KickAssAngel Tue 18-Oct-16 16:25:15

See - this is one of the reasons that I get annoyed with people moaning about having kids on planes etc. sickness, miscarriage, noisy kids, sex & death - all the yucky bits of humanity, basically - we don't help ourselves if we hide them away and pretend they don't happen.

I bet we all know people who've had miscarriages, but don't know it happened.

We do need to be more comfortable with all the 'yuk' in life, and let people talk about it. It isn't in our favor to have an over-sanitized Disney look at life. We have to embrace the noise, chaos and problems that everyone faces.

Blueroses99 Tue 18-Oct-16 22:44:04

I didn't announce my pregnancy on FB but have been posting a lot since my son was stillborn at 21wks in July. Particularly topical as its Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Possibly making some people uncomfortable but this is my life right now. I have avoided pregnant women so far (it's too raw) but every time I read or hear of a pregnancy, I have an inner voice of doom. Obviously don't want to wish anyone any harm but I feel there is far too much naivety about all the things that could go wrong!

KickAssAngel Tue 18-Oct-16 23:52:52

We never experienced pregnancy loss, and it must be so very hard. We had IVF & ICSI before DD was conceived, and at one point I was told that I was miscarrying (based on blood test) but then suddenly all my pregnancy hormones shot up and DD was the result. But she's the only one I'm ever going to have (she's 13 now). It was a really tough pregnancy and fraught with anxiety and mental health problems.

It is so hard to get through the longing for a baby when your body just doesn't work that way. I have no idea what life must be like to be able to think 'I'd like a child' and then for your body to just do that. It seems like some kind of fantastic science fiction - that people can just have sex and then have a baby is way beyond my experience to a point I can't even imagine it.

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