Dealing with grief and emotions after miscarriage

(6 Posts)
Happystars Sun 09-Oct-16 21:55:28

I was wondering if someone may be able to help me or share any experiences they have please. I had a missed miscarriage in June and whilst for the initial couple of months I felt I was coping "ok", I have been really struggling with grief for about the last 6 - 8 weeks. I've been having counselling which was organised through my work but my
last session is on Friday. I feel as if there is a constant sadness and I have to deliberately avoid any potential "triggers" to try and prevent me from breaking into floods of tears where I will be literally inconsolable for an hour or so. I've found myself having tears rolling down my face at work, on the train, in front of the TV etc and having to pretend there is something in my eye or something to try and avoid admitting I'm crying. Sometimes I cry with no noticeable trigger at all. I can't avoid all triggers as I can't avoid any other human who talks about a baby or see babies and I really feel I want to learn to deal with my emotions so I can return to some semblance of normality. This was my first pregnancy and I have suffered depression in the past and I'm not sure whether the depression is creeping back or if this is a "normal grief" reaction. I'd be really grateful if anyone would be happy to share how they managed their emotions after miscarriage.

Meredithgraze Sun 09-Oct-16 22:01:34

Mindfulness helped me. You can find free online courses. Also guided relaxation (again free on YouTube).

Also, give yourself time to grieve, you don't just get over it and no one will expect you to. Take care of yourself and see your gp if you think the depression might need addressing flowers

FrazzleRock Mon 10-Oct-16 16:08:08

Hi Happystars i am so so sorry for your loss.
I am the same. Suffered a missed miscarriage in February and, like you, after the initial couple of weeks I was ok for a while. But I found trying again was a big factor in making me feel 'ok' and positive.
Since DP has told me he doesn't want to try any more (after an early MC in April) I have been battling with terrible grief. Like you, triggers are everywhere. I've become bitter and resentful towards pregnant women, I don't know who I am anymore and really dislike myself. I've upset my SIL as I just cannot be around her just yet (she is pregnant) and pretty sure the resy of DP's family think I'm a cow.

I went to see a psychiatric nurse last week who told me she does not think I'm depressed (despite me admitting to her I have had suicidal thoughts). She says I'm grieving. She said I have four factors exacerbating my pain. Two lots of pregnancy hormones pretty close together, my PCOS, and my thyroid issues. All of which, she thinks, are playing havoc with my emotions. I am going to get my bloods checked and current meds reviewed. I am hoping that will help. I am also going to keep seeing the nurse so she can help me to avoid becoming depressed. I'm still not convinced I am not, however.

I also had counselling for the first few weeks after our loss (through work medical insurance), but I found the sessions awkward and, at that time, I was ok as we were TTC again. I wish I'd saved those sessions for now.

I would recommend going to see your GP. They might put you in touch with the Primary Mental Health care team like they have done for me. I'm a long way off but I hope the nurse can help me through it. I just need to work out how to get back to who I was before we discovered we were expecting our little girl. Back then, more DC hadn't even entered my mind. Right now it is all I can think about. It's like I need a baby or I'm going to lose the plot entirely. I can almost feel them in my arms but they are empty sad Not helped by 'support' groups banging on about trying again and having 'rainbow babies'!

Go and see what your GP says. I would recommend seeing a female GP though. First GP I saw was a man and I had the worst experience. I left his office in floods of tears. flowers

Happystars Mon 10-Oct-16 21:16:18

Hi Meredith and Frazzle, thanks so much for taking the time to reply and I'm sorry for your losses.
I took the day off work today which was helpful, only had 1 mini meltdown in a coffee shop when I saw a baby 😔
My DH bless him bought me a mindfulness book so I'm going to make the effort to read it. I've also had a leaflet about online counselling organised through the NHS in my area, so I think I'll give that a go. I found my user name bemusing yesterday as I picked it when I first joined ages ago when I was feeling a lot happier about life so I'd like to try and feel that way again- hopefully it's possible although I think these experiences affect us so deeply it's hard to imagine that right now.

I'm sorry to hear of your hormone problems frazzle, and also about your SIL that must be really tough for you. thanks again for replying when you are going through so much yourself.

I would give flowers but I don't know how to (newbie!)

emsler Tue 11-Oct-16 16:32:58

Happystars, you may have done this already, but have you considered contacting the Miscarriage Association? I found their helpline really useful - they were so nice and were able to point me in the direction of some good resources.

I'm so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you.

Helpisathand13 Wed 12-Oct-16 19:52:42

Sending love, care and understanding to you all and your sad loss. Today is 11years since my first miscarriage and I've been having a quiet, reflective day with my thoughts. I can empathise and see such similarities' in myself. I had a small burial as i miscarried at home. I find visiting the beautiful burial place with bird songs tweeting out and if I time it right the sound of children playing out at the nearby school comforting. We all grieve and manage those feelings in our own ways. Love to all and heartwarming to be posting, thank you x

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