I feel absolutely horrible about my reaction to a friends pregnancy announcement

(12 Posts)
SloanePeterson Wed 05-Oct-16 10:01:14

I had a very traumatic miscarriageat almost 10 weeks 4 weeks ago, I nearly lost my life and am only just getting back to normal physically, I still feel ridiculously weak despite some hardcore iron tablets and mentally, I'm still very up and down. My husband just text me to say that our friend, who works with him, is pregnant. And I felt completely blindsided. We knew she'd been trying for a while and I should be really happy for her. And all I feel is incredibly bitter and jealous. The thought of seeing her makes me want to hide. And that is awful. I don't want to feel like this. But the thought of having to watch her going through pregnancy is making me want to be sick. It'll be a constant reminder of what we've lost as by the sounds of it she was only a week or two behind me.
I thought I was making progress, I actually saw our practice nurse yesterday to catch up as last week i was very low and tearful, and was feeling emotionally more stable this week, I did ask for some sleeping pills which she did give me as I'm really struggling to sleep.
I've been told to contact PALS at the hospital which I will do as I still have so many questions about how my miscarriage turned into such a life threatening thing, and what actually happened, and I think that might help me 'put it to bed' in a way, as my problem at night seems to be going over and over in my head what happened. It doesn't help that straight after all this happened I was resolved not to try again, they gave me the depo injection before discharging me and I was trying to concentrate on the Dec I have. But the last week or two I'm worried I acted too quickly and that actually I really want to try again. I don't know if this is how I really feel or just a reaction to the grief.
How do I stop feeling this way? I'm not a nasty person and I hate that I'm having these thoughts which are less than generous. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach sad

Simmi1 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:10:48

So sorry, please don't beat yourself up - what you're feeling is entirely normal and doesn't make you s mean person. Please just go easy on yourself - if you don't want to see your pregnant friend - don't. Life can be very cruel at times. It's wired as I have many friends who have struggled with fertility/mcs but I was fortunate to have two healthy pregnancies and babies in my late 30s. I know some of my friends struggled with this. After my second was born just before I turned 40 I started developing really horrible symptoms not directly related to the birth. I now look at those friends who had fertility problems enviously and wish I'd stopped at one child so I wouldn't be suffering the way I am. I guess the moral of the story is you never know what's really going on in someone's life - and be grateful for what you do have. Sorry if that's not much help flowers

FrazzleM Wed 05-Oct-16 10:13:37

Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them. There is no need to feel guilty. It's completely natural for you to feel this way. It must all be so very raw at the moment.

So sorry for your loss flowers.

steppemum Wed 05-Oct-16 10:24:56

It is very early days yet. You are still physically not healed and the emotional and mental scars take longer.

I think your reaction to hearing about her pregnancy is very normal and please don;t worry about it. It may be a good idea for your dh to say something along the lines of - congratulations, we are so pleased for you. I am sure that you will undertsand that for Sloane it is still a very hard time as her loss was so recent, so please don't be offended if she doesn't chat to you about babies.

I have had 4 miscarriges, and at each one there were people round me who got pregnant. It was especailly hard with people who had first pregnancy and were all optimistic and happy and in my head I was going "LOOK OUT - you might loose it, it isn't always plain sailing, be careful, how can you be so carefree???!!!"

Take the time you need, get counselling if you need it. You have a lot of grieving to do.
flowers flowers

SloanePeterson Wed 05-Oct-16 10:26:07

Thank you both. I think being stuck at home doesn't help, I'm normally busy busy busy and I just don't have the physical strength to do much atm so probably have too much time alone with my thoughts. I might go and get her a card later wishing her well, that might buy me a bit more time before I have to see her.

LadyMoth Wed 05-Oct-16 10:34:18

Oh you poor thing. It's good your H let you know as soon as possible and you were at home so didn't have to compose yourself in front of her, or anyone else.

You've been through a horrendous experience and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. It's really recent. How you reacted is completely understandable. You need to focus on yourself and healing, getting back into the swing of things and then you will eventually be able to put on the right face for when you have to see the friend.

Please don't feel guilty for your feelings, you can't help them and all of this wasn't your fault.

KittyandTeal Wed 05-Oct-16 14:39:34

There is no should or shouldn't about how you feel after baby loss.

I hate admitting it but after we lost dd2 I was jealous of my friend who ended up having her baby 10 weeks early because her cancer had come back and she needed chemo. I was jealous. Of a woman with cancer. Grief makes no sense. I'm partly ashamed of feeling like that but there was nothing I could do at the time, it was just how I felt. I don't feel that way now.

boopdoop Wed 05-Oct-16 17:56:47

It's so hard, don't feel bad about how you feel. I had a mc 4 weeks ago, I was only 5 weeks and it wasn't physically bad, but then a couple of weeks later my sister in law announced she was pregnant, and she's just 2 weeks ahead of where we would have been... I am pleased for her, but it's going to be so so hard seeing her go through the pregnancy, trying to not compare to where we would have been. It's really hard. And totally ok to find it difficult.

iwannapuppy Wed 05-Oct-16 18:04:25

The way you are feeling is completely natural. I had a very similar experience and felt the same way you do. So not only are you dealing with your grief you are also dealing with the guilt of feeling jelous. Don't beat your self up about feeling the way you do. It just makes you like anyone else in your situation. Give yourself time to deal with everything. I promise it will get easier. Take care.

RiverTam Wed 05-Oct-16 18:07:12

You reaction is completely normal, try not to blame yourself for feeling how you very naturally feel. But I'm rather hmm at your DH texting you this piece of news, it would have been rather more sensitive for him to have told you in person, or waited a bit.

I had a number of MCs so other people's pregnancies were hard for a while. I found that I was more positive about people I really cared about, but more distressed by those who were more acquaintances, such as colleagues.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 06-Oct-16 15:42:43

A friend and I miscarried at around the same time. I was further along than she was and took longer to recover. She was pregnant literally within a few weeks. I was absolutely eaten up by it, OP. I didn't want to be and I felt like a colossal shit but I was so, so jealous. I felt awful about it, and then she lost that baby too and I felt even worse. I don't think she knew how hard I found it, but literally everyone I have talked to about it says that feeling that way is natural and the main thing is to recognise it and not let it dictate how you behave, if you see what I mean.

SloanePeterson Fri 07-Oct-16 09:14:59

Thank you all for sharing. It does make me feel better. It was 4 weeks ago today and I'm finding it quite difficult. I keep checking the clock and I know I will all day. In 20 minutes is when things kicked off, two hours and I called the ambulance etc. It doesn't help that I've come back from the school run to a letter from histology, apparently there were no abnormalities detected. Which is good I suppose, but leaves me a little sad that I couldn't carry what was a healthy pregnancy. Our friend has asked for redundancy rather than maternity pay which has shocked me a little, and selfishly also means I'm more likely to bump into her when I'm out and about. I still need to get her a card. The sleeping tablets really aren't doing much and I'm beginning to accept that I'm probably going to need some counselling. Dh has a real make or break day at work today too, so I'm massively on edge 😞

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now