Dreading work after miscarriage at 21weeks

(11 Posts)
adwoajess86 Mon 12-Sep-16 08:27:29

Hi, I had a miscarriage at 21 weeks feeling still emotional as I miss the feeling of the bump and the baby. It's been 5 weeks and I haven't been back to work since I just don't think I'm ready yet, I've met with one of the team leaders last week who suggested to come for 1 hour to say hello to everyone. Today I found out she has sent an email to everyone in the office stating that I will be coming for a visit and that I have lost my baby and no one should ask me anything. I'm upset about this email as she shouldn't have sent it to everyone in the office(including ppl I don't even know) and adding that I lost the baby ? . This has made me more upset and I don't want to go back to work. My family and friends advising me to contact HR but I'm still emotional abt all this that I don't want to go through them. Have someone had a similar experience and how did you cope please?

Banana82 Mon 12-Sep-16 09:05:16

Hello Jess. I am so sorry to read about the loss of your baby. 5 weeks is absolutely no time at all. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks about 5 weeks ago and I still struggle.

Your team leader I'm sure has broken confidentiality with what she has done. That's just awful. It's up to you who you tell, not her. I would be reporting her to your HR team. As a team leader she should know better.

You don't have to rush back at all. Take all the time you need. A very close friend of mine lost her baby at 21 weeks and took a good 6 months off. You need time to grieve.

adwoajess86 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:23:32

Hi Banana82,

Sorry about your loss and your friend's. thanks for the reply and sharing your story and your friends.

I also do believe 5 weeks not enough and Yh she defn breach confidentiality. I'm trying to draft what to say to HR and will contact them ASAP.

Good luck on your recovery!!!!!wink

abbsismyhero Mon 12-Sep-16 12:24:57

i think she only did it to be kind and stop people asking where the baby was

Marmiteontoast76 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:25:08

So sorry for your loss flowers

I've lost a dd at 20 weeks and went back to work after 3 weeks, even before the funeral. It was way too soon. My way of coping was to get preg straight away but I sadly lost ds at 19 weeks (turns out had an unknown thyroid problem). I then got signed off by gp for 6 weeks, then after meeting with occupational health another 4 weeks. So 10 weeks in total. Day before I returned I sent some of the office an email explaining what had happened and to tell them I was happy to talk about it and for them not to feel awkward around me. This was MY decision, not my bosses, your team leader should NOT have sent that email without discussing with you first. I was mortified that an office of 30 people knew about my two mcs, it's such a devastating and also private thing to go through....I felt ashamed. I've been back in office since May and to be honest it will never feel the same and I need a change.

Do you have occupational health in HR? Perhaps a one-to-one meeting with them would be better before you face the colleagues in the office.

Marmiteontoast76 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:27:58

You will know when you are ready to return, but definitely not right now. Take your time to grieve. Your body and hormones will need rest too.

sparechange Mon 12-Sep-16 12:35:37

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

I had a loss at a similar stage and went back to work too soon, mostly because I had a few friends who had just had babies, and I didn't want to be at home and risk bumping into them.

Not defending the email, but the hardest thing for me was people who didn't know about my baby, and asked me how I was/how long I had left/told me I was looking well. It killed me inside every time, and was really awkward for them, so maybe your team leader has done you a favour sending this around if it means you won't get people asking the wrong questions.

I made my boss aware that it was all still very raw and I needed some flexibility to be able to go for a walk during the day, or leave early if it was all getting too much. They were understanding and let me, mostly because I think they thought it would be easier for me to be in the office and having flexibility than signed off sick.

I'm so sorry you are facing this situation. It is just awful and I wish no one had to. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me

Tollygunge Mon 12-Sep-16 12:40:37

Hi, I haven't read whole thread but I've had 2 late losses. Both times I've absolutely dreaded going back in but actually it really wasn't awful at all and helped me heal by thinking about other things. After 2nd loss I had almost 8 weeks off and was physically sick on first morning back. Was totally fine though. Wrt your colleague please be easy on her- she was obvs doing what she thought best. Both times i asked a colleague to share sad news as it helped that everyone knew so weren't asking why I'd been off. Best wishes at this awful time. You won't ever forget but you will heal xxx

fuzzywuzzy Mon 12-Sep-16 12:45:17

I'm so sorry for your loss adwoajess86.

A woman at work lost her baby late in pregnancy she stayed off work for a few months. Our team was informed about what had happened as we all work closely. Importantly she wanted us told.

We weren't told not to speak of it, but when she returned we took our cue from her. She didn't want to talk about it and just wanted to get back to normal.

Can you get signed off work as you're clearly not ready to return.

I had an early miscarriage and had to have two SMM's I was signed off for four weeks in all and it didn't affect my sick days allowance as hr don't count miscarriage as sick leave.

Take care of yourself, & do whatever you need to get thro this time. Speak with hr and tell them how you feel about what your supervisor has done. You should have been consulted before she sent the email.

adwoajess86 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:15:39

Thanks all for acknowledging and reading my story, I really appreciate your input you have been great! Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best as well.

JOMH1982 Mon 12-Sep-16 22:00:37

So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost a little girl at 20 weeks not long before Christmas last year. I would recommend taking as much time as you need. I took three months off as I had anxiety and PTSD and was not coping very well. I don't really know what I did in these months, but I grieved hard and I feel a lot more able to deal with everyday life now. You will know what is right for you, but just take things slowly. Xx

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