WWYD - Tell her about my pregnancy early or not?

[MamehaSan]

I wonder if I could ask for some advice on how to handle this situation, please?

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant, and I found out earlier this week that DSis is also pregnant - about 10 weeks. She has a history of recurrent miscarriages, some at 13/14 weeks. No-one knows about my pregnancy yet (except my DH, of course). I've been agonising whether to tell her or not.

I keep thinking that if (God forbid) the worst were to happen for her again, it would add extra hurt for me to announce my pregnancy soon afterwards, especially as our due dates are so close. Telling her now would mean that she wouldn't have it sprung on her at her most vulnerable time. However, we weren't going to announce our pregnancy until the first trimester was over and we've got all the 12 week scans and checks under our belts, so it feels a little pre-emptive to be telling her, given that we have no sure way of knowing yet that everything's ok with my bean.

I can't imagine the pain of suffering so many losses, and I'm crossing all my fingers and toes that she has a sticky bean this time round. I just want to do the right thing by her. So WWYD - tell her now, or not?

[Lucinda15]

Hi mameha congratulations on your pregnancy. It's a difficult one but I think if I was in your position I would tell her. It's not quite how you would like to do things, I understand you would want to keep it to yourselves a bit longer. But I have had recurrent miscarriages and unfortunately with two of them, within weeks of miscarrying, I found out that close family/friends were pregnant and had similar due dates. It really winded me and knocked me backwards when I was struggling to come to terms with what had happened. I think if you explain that you would like it to be private for the time being she would understand and I'm sure she will appreciate you thinking of her and telling her before everyone else.

I have also had a friend who was reluctant to tell me she was pregnant because I have had recurrent mc's, and I felt so sad that she felt like that. Of course pregnancy announcements can hurt and I have to steel myself and take a deep breath sometimes when I know I'll be seeing pregnant friends/family. but I am genuinely happy for them and I never want them to feel uncomfortable It or hide it from me. But a little warning is definitely appreciated so I can prepare myself.

I hope everything works out for you both, wishing you all the best xxxxx

[MamehaSan]

Hi Lucinda, thank you for taking the time to reply (we were out yesterday so I've only just picked it up). I really appreciate your thoughts, we had been umming and aaring whether tellling her would add to the pressure, but I think on balance it would be better to, just in case something goes wrong again. I would hate to make the situation worse for her, more so because we know about her current pregnancy - we didn't know about her previous ones so any mis-timed announcements would have been inadvertent... Thanks again for your reply, I so desperately want things to work out for her.

[EndofSummerLooming]

I don't think you should treat her differently from other family and friends. No need to tell anyone until after 12 weeks. For all you know, and I really hope this doesn't happen, you could lose your baby before then and you will have ensured the lady has additional grief to deal with.

I had five pgs that went beyond the first trimester (two children). I needed others to treat me like the person I'd always been. I already felt a personal failure and didn't need differentiated information making me feel worse.

[MamehaSan]

Thank you for an alternative view, End, some food for thought. I guess it goes to show that there are no right or wrong answers here; more a question of trying to weigh up the risk of causing hurt by saying something early v the risk of causing hurt if I don't say anything... Wish I had a crystal ball!