Hi. I've never done anything like this before but I feel if I don't get this down it will consume me.
Perhaps I should take it in stages because I feel my grief is three fold now that it's all over.
I went for my first scan two weeks ago today. My DP & I were so excited to see our baby as my grandmother had died 5 days before and we really needed something to smile about. I was a little apprehensive as I had no morning sickness and very little symptoms but as I hadn't bled and taken numerous pregnancy tests throughout my 10wks of pregnancy I assumed everything was fine (the term Missed Miscarriage was alien to me). We were so joyed to see our perfectly little baby, clear as day on the screen, measuring 8wks3days. It took me about 10 secs to register that I couldn't see the little white fleck on the screen that was supposed to be my babies heartbeat that everyone told me about. It's like a video reel playing over and over in my head; me: 'there's no heartbeat is there?' Nurse: 'I'm awful sorry pet but no; I can't see a little heartbeat at all.' I will never forget the look on my DP face. Nor the feeling of the internal camera being pulled out and me wanting to scream 'no no don't stop. Keep checking. Just one more minute!' We were completely numb as we listened to the nurse go through our options and to be honest I just wanted to get out of there. I don't remember the walk to the car but I remember the text coming through from our close family and friends asking me to forward on and pic and how did we get on etc etc. (It was our first pregnancy and god knows my family needed this happy event to happen after what we had all been through with my nan and her death). Telling them was beyond hard and I think we were in shock while telling them. After getting home and crying it out together we decided to go for the D&C option. We rang the hospital but couldn't get an appointment for a week later.
Those first three or four days were so difficult. I was technically pregnant as I had a baby inside me but in reality I wasn't because there was no heartbeat so I was in limbo. We grieved like every couple from what I've read here. The why us? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Simply finding out what a missed miscarriage was so number one on my agenda as no one I know had ever heard of it. But after a lot of reading up over those few days I felt I was ready for my D&C appointment.
The day before my scheduled appointment I woke up with severe cramps that literally took the breath from me. My DP had to work a 10am to 7pm shift so I had reassured him I was fine and persuaded him to go on to work. 4hours of cramping later my waters broke and I was miscarrying my baby on my own. 3 hours of constant bleeding (literally running out of me like a tap) and very little clotting later I knew there was something not right. I drove myself to A&E (which in hindsight was a bad idea). I continued to bleed constantly there for another hour until I asked to go to the bathroom. Standing up from the bed made the bleed so so fast that when I made it to the bathroom I was shaking really badly and had fallen to the floor, vomiting and on the verge of unconsciousness. Next thing I know I'm being pulled on to a bed about about 6 docs and nurses around me. It turns out that I had lost so much blood so quickly that I had collapsed and needed a blood transfusion and a blue light ambulance to the bigger hospital 45mins away. Everything at this point happened so quickly. Blood bags and saline syringes and blood soaked pads everywhere. The A&E doctor from the hospital I was in had to come in the ambulance with me as he needed to make sure he got blood into me quickly. (And I was also on my own too). As he was wheeling me out of the ambulance he said 'gees you are looking a lot better now, because quite frankly you looked like s#*t earlier'.
I was rushed to theatre for an emergency D&C and woke up in recovery feeling very drained / cold and weepy. As I was being wheeled to a ward I was met by my DP, my mum and my best friend. After a sleepless overnight stay in hospital I was 'let out' the next day.
Those next few days I can only describe as feeling like I had been hit by a truck. The physical pain in my head, neck, shoulders, chest, throat was so overwhelming. I was so unprepared for the pain in my body in places completely unrelated to a miscarriage. I think it was due to docs and nurses working on my and hauling me from table to table.
It's been a week ago today that it all happened and I admit that at times I'm fine / focused and determined to get on with things. But it's the night times that is the toughest. When the mind numbing programs are on tv or When the lights are off and the quiet sets in.
This is where I feel my grief is three fold (I hope this doesn't sound selfish) but I feel one whole grief for the experience of being told there was no heartbeat. Another whole grief that I had gone through miscarriage (or started to at least). To a third whole grief of going through such a terrifying ordeal on my own. Sometimes when I'm crying I don't even know which part I'm grieving. Don't get me wrong my partner has been so unbelievable and my family and friends are unwavering in their support. But I can't help feeling the sense that no one quiet understands just what I went through one week ago today, all alone in those hospitals.
I feel like something more than my baby was lost that day. A bit of myself that I'll never get back. I'm so quiet now and unsure of everything. When I was such a bubbly and confident person before this. I just don't think I'll ever get over this but perhaps it's just too soon.
Thank you for taking the time read my story. Unfortunately it's nothing unusual as I've spend days reading threads and threads of other woman's heartbreaks far worse than mine but if my story rings a cord with one other person out there then I'd love to hear from you. X
Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
MMC, lost too much blood, emergency D&C
Kimi82 · 04/08/2016 00:34
How awful. Can't believe you or yourself to hospital. Must have been terrifying. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time. It's bad enough having a mmc as it is.
My experience was pretty similar. Baby died 11 and a bit weeks. Had to wait until 13 weeks until they'd treat me (chose medical management
I ended up losing blood really fast and heavy after passing baby but retaining placenta. They hooked me up to a drip and have me oxygen.
I lost consciousness and went into hypovolemic shock from the blood loss. Room filled with medics telling me to stay with them faffing with various body parts. They couldn't find a vein as all were collapsing. My body was shutting down. Then had an emergency d&c. Had to stay in a couple of days as my hb levels were in the critical zone. Thankfully they were boarder line by the end and I was given option of iron tablets or a transfusion if I was feeling rough. I couldn't wait to get out of there so went for iron tablets and pleaded to be let out.
Have they given you a blood transfusion or iron tablets? You'll definitely need to your iron up. You will feel exhausted so rest. 
I have approached my GP about counselling as I'm getting flashbacks. It's definitely good to at least talk out how you feel with someone close to you rather than bottling it up. I'm eased you have a supportive partner. This makes a huge difference.
I know how you feel when you say you feel you lost something other than the baby. You have been through a scary traumatic ordeal. It's hard to come to terms with, but the old cliche time is a healer is very true. You do need time to process all of it.
Oh Kimi
I am so sad reading this. I went for my 12 week scan and had good news but the fear and the worry and to imagine what it must have felt for you 
No words really, just that you sound amazingly brave and that I really hope life gives you some good surprises soon.
Hugs
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.