Supporting friend after miscarriage

[jellymum1704]

Hoping for some friendly advice. I just found from friend's DH that she miscarried recently for the second time. It came as a shock to me as I didn't know she was PG. I'm looking for some advice as to how to support her in the difficult time. Should I encourage her to talk about it or just spend time with her and let her speak when she feels upto it? I hate the thought of them having to deal with this alone. I was hoping if someone could point me in the direction of any counselling or professional support services to help as I'm afraid she is very badly affected this time

[jellymum1704]

Just so you know friend is aware that DH has told me but haven't shared it with any other friends

[emily86]

Hi,

I thought I'd reply as I have had 2 miscarriages, first in July last year and second in January.

Obviously I don't know your friend but these are some of the things I found helpful/unhelpful. I have a couple of very supportive friends who listened to me talk about it A LOT. One would bring it up, the other would wait for me to. The important thing was I knew I could talk to them any time, cry in front of them or just hang out. Neither of them have children which i think probably helps but I have felt able to take to one of my school friends who does.

Another close friend fell pregnant as I was having my first miscarriage. I didn't feel able to talk to her because I was worried about making her feel guilty and our relationship was quite strained for a while. Fortunately it is better now. I think her having her baby has helped with that.

It makes me want to scream when people say "at least you know you can get pregnant". Please don't say this. All I think is what is the point in getting pregnant if you can't stay pregnant. It just causes an incredible amount of heartache. I have now been trying for my first baby for 20 month. I hate it when people try to reassure me by saying it hasn't been that long. Yes I know that in the grand scheme of my life it isn't that long but right now it feels like forever. Finally, I don't find it reassuring/helpful when people tell me they're sure I'll get my take home baby one day. I know they just want to be positive for me but no one knows that that will happen. I also know statically I probably will but statics mean jack shit when you try and apply them to yourself and so far I've always been on the wrong side of the statistics. Hopefully this is all just an incredibly rubbish blip but no one knows it.

So right now I imagine your friend is feeling incredibly sad and like she'll never get to have the baby she so wants but I imagine she'll be grateful to know you're there, even if she doesn't feel up to talking just yet.

I know I've kind of said more what not to say then what to say/do but I hope it is helpful.

[sandy30]

Hi Jelly, you sound a lovely friend. I agree with Emily on what not to say (and I would add in "well it's the kindest thing if there was something wrong with it").

I would have appreciated just having someone who I could hang out with and eat chocolate and watch crap with. It's just good to be with someone who isn't putting pressure on you to be fine within a certain timescale. I really liked it when someone asked me about my pregnancy - my symptoms etc. - as it made it feel like my baby still counted and I was still a mum.

If your friend isn't up to seeing people, you could send her stuff. I would have appreciated: mindless but compelling books to give my mind a break (check for baby and pregnancy references); nice smellies; nice chocolate; comfy PJs. Anything that makes you feel human, I guess.

If you know her baby's rough due date, a piece of jewellery with the relevant birthstone or a plant that flowers then could be lovely.

[sandy30]

PS the Miscarriage Association is a great source of help www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/counselling-after-a-miscarriage/

[RoTo72]

Hi. A friend called to see me with flowers and wine, but the thing I remember and am most grateful for is she just sat with with an arm around me while I cried and she was there. She was the only one who didn't offer advice r platitudes and Il be eternally grateful to her for that.