getting through the day

[Chloris33]

Just had an early miscarriage at 5 weeks. It was going be my second baby, I have an 18 month old son. It's such an early stage of pregnancy, I know it's not like losing a baby later on, but I'm feeling guilty that I'm finding it hard now to look after my toddler at the moment, because I feel sad, zoned out and irritable. Any tips for coping with getting through each day, especially with a toddler, after miscarriage? I feel I need to do some things to try to lift my spirits a bit, but I am finding it hard to plan anything as I feel a bit paralysed. I know getting out of the house would help, though. We don't have any family nearby to help. My Mum told me "it's fabulous that it happened so early on and you don't need D&C", and just tells me that it's not a big deal. I know she is trying to comfort me in her own way, but this is not helpful and I am dreading her coming to stay next week because of this.

[DerelictMyBalls]

I'm very sorry for your loss

Do you have a partner or anyone to talk to?

Your mum is wrong: there is nothing 'fabulous' about having a miscarriage and you shouldn't feel guilty for struggling.

[BipBippadotta]

I'm so sorry. Can you cancel your mother's visit? It sounds like she's being stunningly unhelpful despite probably meaning well. It's a very hard thing to go through, and oddly difficult for people who haven't gone through something similar just to empathise with, without trotting out all the tired and hurtful cliches about it being 'for the best', etc. Take care of yourself.

[Chloris33]

Thank you. Yes, I am feeling I need to cancel her visit, as everything she says is minimising and I can't face it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, though, as I know she actually does care, she just struggles hugely when people have bad news/losses and always tries to say what she thinks is positive. Her feelings are very easily hurt if I tell her she has upset me- I just don't want to have to be worrying about that, though... I need to find an excuse.

[monkeytree]

Hi Chloris
So sorry to hear about your loss. You need to protect yourself from hurtful comments etc. right now and you don't want to have to consider your mothers emotions when you are trying to deal with your own, that's enough for now. My little one was a toddler when I had a 20 week loss. I did get out for the sake of DD but it was incredibly hard and I felt I wasn't completely there for my dc's in the early days everything seemed like a blur. I still struggle a bit and only go along to things I feel comfortable or safe with. It is is usual to want to withdraw and isolate I think there are so many emotions to try and deal with at this time. Unless they've experienced this kind of loss, others won't 'get it' and may talk about everyday things that seem very trivial like what colour to paint their living room etc. The world seemed to carry on spinning while I was very much standing still, I think it still feels like that sometimes. Try not to be too hard on yourself for not getting out or carrying on as usual, I tried to carry on as usual and got hit by a massive wall of grief eventually, I think this was my coping mechanism (denial). Maybe try doing some things your dc enjoys - park, soft play whatever it may be and give yourself a pat on the back for getting out and about because you'll deserve it. X

[hopeandsunshine123]

Hey,

I was around 5 weeks too and started to miscarry at the weekend. I've just ordered myself some beauty products online. And just booked myself some reflexology for next week.

It's tough, I feel up and down. Partly it's natures way...then immense sadness this baby was very much wanted and loved.

I'm also worrying about when to try again. Epu lady told me to wait 2-3 cycles. I have irregular cycles and 80 days sometimes, I'm 34 and not keen on waiting that long.

Be kind to yourself, just take each day as it comes.