Anyone given up ttc? If so are you happy about it.

(43 Posts)
passmyglass Thu 09-Jun-16 13:29:05

I am 35, with 2 dds, followed by 3 mc. I am trying to decide whether to give it another go (don't shout at me but i personally don't fancy any more babies much later than now, its just not for me) or whether to suck it up and move on with life on the basis that maybe I'm just not meant to have 3 dc. I find the uncertainty, suspense and crashing upset cycle really hard going. Is anyone else in this boat?

KittyandTeal Thu 09-Jun-16 20:16:36

Yep, we've given up.

Dd1 is 3.9yo. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks to T18 and ds at 14 weeks for unknown causes. I don't have it in me to loose another baby, we are now high risk for trisomies and high risk for late miscarriage so it's too much of a risk.

I'd love dd1 to have a live sibling but it's just not going to happen. I'm waiting to have a coil fitted atm.

frowner Thu 09-Jun-16 20:44:05

Hi pasmyglass, I am 36 and have just had my third miscarriage, I also have two dds. I'm not sure where we go from here, I really want another child but am worried about the impact each loss has on both me and my family. I'm not sure if I have strength to try again but am filled with deep sadness at the thought of never having another child.

LostInTheTriangle Thu 09-Jun-16 22:43:26

Hi. We are close to giving up.
A scan this afternoon confirmed my 4th pregnancy has ended. No heartbeat, after seeing one at 6w2d scan.
I have a daughter of 2.5 and have subsequently had 3 consecutive missed miscarriages, at 9,11 and now 8 weeks.
My last ERPC was end February and I will have this one Monday.
Like Kitty, I am desperate for my daughter to have a sibling and to have that family round the table.
I always hoped for 3 children, but quickly realised 2 is going to be a best case scenario for us (we had IVF for DD1, the other conceptions were natural).
Being honest, the strain that miscarriage puts on the rest of the family and relationship, I would make peace with two and acknowledge the sadness by having counselling and trying to focus energies on the positives in my life.
I know the desire for a child is there come what may and why shouldn't you have three, plenty do and it's not fair, but I personally don't think I can put myself through this heartache indefinitely. Our lives feel on hold and have been for 1.5 years.
We will now get the standard NHS tests and I may go to Coventry and give it one more shot, if it's established what's wrong.
If nothing can be found, our family may have to be 3, which will be enough and I faced having no children for 3 awful years before the IVF cycle.
I will always have the pain of not being able to have two, but be eternally grateful for my one.

passmyglass Fri 10-Jun-16 08:07:04

Gosh, i hadnt realised how much better it would make me feel to hear from other people in similar situations... Thanks so much for replying all. flowers

Lost i am actually in tears reading your story. Im so so very sorry to hear that you are going through it again... My last erpc was Christmas eve (great, obviously) and i feel like ive only just started to feel normal from that so it must be truly awful to have one in feb and now face another. I'll be thinking of you on Monday
Kitty and frowner, would you ever consider adoption? Its something ive pondered and ive just applied to foster as a means of testing the water.

Marmiteontoast76 Fri 10-Jun-16 16:28:56

We are very close to giving up and I'm heartbroken. Had dd at age 32, then ds at age 34. Desperate for 3rd dc but dh made we wait until we were financially stable (I was then 38). Lost dd2 at 20 weeks last year, then ds2 at 19 weeks this year. Looks like game over for us, although we have found a possible cause which is immune issues so we are meeting with Dr Shehata who will tell us how it is and if he says it's way too risky then we will walk away from trying. I'm 40 at the end of the year so if I've failed to carry babies to term in my late 30s, what chance have I in my 40s.

passmyglass Fri 10-Jun-16 18:53:27

Oh no, how sad marmite. And (though obviously awful at any stage) how totally shit for it to be so late both times. My heart goes out to you. Have you thought about adoption?

PiecesOfCake Fri 10-Jun-16 20:33:50

I was 38 when I had DD. Had a terrible time conceiving again and had 2 subsequent mc's over the next 2 years. I had always thought that I'd have 2 children for a "complete family" but the uncertainty and suspense exactly as you describe, followed by the pain and self-questionning at every month's failed attempt and then the indescribable sadness of mc, twice, was too much to bear.

So yes, I am 43 now and have given up.

I am desperate for DD not to be lonely; and irrational things like special offers 2 for 1 so I have to buy 2, or 4 of everything hit me badly sometimes. And even on threads people saying but she only has one child .. the ONLY is like a little spear. And a mum walking into nursery with her new-born the other day, I barely managed to say congratulations before running to the car sobbing my heart out.

So not even close to happy about it - more, not even coming to terms with it yet.

mayhew Fri 10-Jun-16 20:43:05

After my daughter, I had many first trimester miscarriages (anti phospholipid syndrome) . It was miserable and impacted on everyone's life. I couldn't plan travel, in case I was pregnant, I changed jobs to try and have more rest.

In my 40 s I started to have heavy periods. I got a Mirena and my life back.
A single child has had many advantages that were unexpected. She has never missed siblings. And I have been able to take early retirement.

LostInTheTriangle Fri 10-Jun-16 20:56:39

Pieces of cake - I hear you. Most friends are either pregnant with their second, or bemoaning how hard it is with a toddler and newborn. I think I will need to come off FB as the announcements/bump photos/newborn and sibling photos are just too upsetting. I'm sorry you're going through this as well.

Pass - thank you for your words. I found the ERPC a walk in the park compared to the natural miscarriage I had, at home, husband working away, toddler in bed. I won't go into details, but it was horrendous. I always read people's stories about late miscarriage and stillbirth (so sorry for your losses, kitty & marmite) and think that is far, far worse that what I have been through, because I'm grieving for the life I had envisaged and this imaginary sibling as opposed to an actual, physical baby.

flowers and wine to all.

LostInTheTriangle Fri 10-Jun-16 21:02:58

Mayhew thank you for that reassurance. I'm a teacher and have taught loads of only children of varying ages and I must admit, I can't think of one who wasn't happy with their life as it was.

I also can't get my head around not having any more baby moments: breastfeeding, having to get rid of pregnancy clothes, giving away baby and nursery stuff etc.

PiecesOfCake Fri 10-Jun-16 22:06:37

Thank you, Lost.

It's reassuring just to hear that people have the same feelings from the travel planning nightmares that mayhem mentions, to the no more baby moments, as you say. It really helps to know you're not totally crazy for being engulfed by these feelings every now and then.

I second flowers and wine to all.

BlueGazebo Sat 11-Jun-16 07:08:45

passmyglass My story... I had my first DS aged 36 but then went on to have 5 m/cs at 18 , 15 , 12, 11wks, early bleeding (empty sac) lost twin. I finally went on to have DS2 when I was 41. The whole journey was terribly painful but I just wasn't ready to give up. With each loss, the pain, despair and misery got worse. I don't know how long I would have kept going. I only ever wanted to have two. Thankfully we were able to conceive easily so the disappointment of not getting pg each month was not something I had to endure. I kept telling myself that I had done it once and therefore could do it again. I do understand you not wanting to be an older Mum - it's only now, ten years on that I am feeling it. I also feel sad about the 5 year age gap. Only you will know when the time to stop arrives. Whatever you decide, time will definitely heal and you will be able to move forward. Lots of new memories have now come into my life and the terrible pain I went through has faded enormously.

frowner Sat 11-Jun-16 09:25:48

Adoption has been in my thoughts, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to give up trying just yet. I think like BlueGazebo I keep thinking that I know my body has done this before, so surely it must be able to do it again. I don't know if it is helpful for me to think like this, but once you've made the decision to open your heart and life to another child it's so hard to escape from those feelings.

passmyglass Sat 11-Jun-16 20:45:19

Lots of wine and flowers to all indeed. Thanks for sharing bluegazebo mayhew and piecesofcake. On days like this, i am so relieved mumsnet exists. lost i am so glad you got through it ok. My first mc happened at home (1 month after finding out baby had ceased to be, so by then i was pretty much losing the plot) and i agree, it was horrific.
I also thank my lucky stars that i have a nice dh, who, though hasn't been perfect, has tried hard to get better at being supportive, and though it mashed up our relationship completely, i think weve turned a corner and are now closer than before all the mcs.
I feel much more at peace with my own feelings having heard from everyone here. I think i might give it one last go, and if it doesnt happen, Im going to take it as a shove to adopt.

BlueGazebo Sun 12-Jun-16 09:40:43

pssmyglass I just wondered if you had been offered any tests? I think after 3 m/c's they should offer them. If they haven't then I would go to GP and ask/demand. I went to a specialist high risk pg unit and had regular blood tests, scans, monitoring etc. I also took heparin, aspirin and progesterone.

mayhew Sun 12-Jun-16 10:27:23

It took time to accept there would never be another one. At 10 years in, a friend had a baby and, unknowingly gave her a name I would have used for a successful pregnancy. I was very upset. But that lasted one night and I picked myself up. I think that was my moment of true acceptance. I was 45, my daughter was 12.

BlueGazebo Sun 12-Jun-16 10:54:32

My loss at 18 weeks was a DD (I now have 2 DS). Luckily, nobody has chosen my name for her. I very occasionally get little stabs - when I see a teenage girl clothes shopping in town with her mum for example. But, this in no way compares to the horrendous pain and torment of 10 years ago with pg friends and neighbours having DDs, the pink department in GAP, friends having one DS followed by one DD, etc. Dark days. Thank goodness time has healed.

JustHereForThePooStories Sun 12-Jun-16 11:13:26

No children here. Have been TTCing for years and unexplained infertility is destroying me. I'm almost 34 so, while I still have time, I don't have the mental or emotional capacity for this any more.

We've agreed that, if I'm not pregnant by the end of this year, we'll stop trying and focus again on all the many other things we've wanted out of life.

YorkshireTeaDrinker Sun 12-Jun-16 11:49:23

I am waiting to miscarry my third pregnancy. I have one lovely, healthy DD (5). Had a mc at 9 weeks 3 years ago. Found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, after we backed out of IVF as our chances of success were pretty low. Had a 6 week scan on Wednesday, showed a sac measuring 5 weeks. Blood tests on Friday confirm hcg levels not rising as expected, so told this pregnancy isn't viable. Now cramping and spotting, so I expect the end is imminent.

I had pretty much reconciled myself to one before I found out I was pregnant. Now I am about to miscarry again, I think I need to cement that decision. Having an unexpected spontaneous conception does dangle a modicum of hope, but I really don't think I can do this again. It's time to get rid of the cot and buggy ( the baby clothes went years ago) and embrace the benefits of being a family of 3.

Justhere flowers. I hope this year does bring you a sticky bfp. Are you having assisted conception? We were unexplained before we managed a surprise natural conception with DD. Then back to unexplained secondary infertility. I found we were funnelled fairly quickly to IVF, with all cheaper, less invasive options dismissed. I remember asking about clomid at our initial consultation at the (private) fertility clinic, and was told it wasn't worth trying as it only had a 10% chance of success. But they were happy to take £5k off us for IVF that had a less than 30% chance of success. I would have rather just paid a fiver for clomid and had an outside punt on that working.

passmyglass Mon 13-Jun-16 12:33:05

So sorry to hear that yorkshire flowers. Are you doing the drugs or just waiting it out? How are you feeling today? And lost how are you? I hope you both had supportive partners looking after you over the weekend?
justhere I'll be keeping everything crossed for you... This might be lame as youve prob gone past this ages ago, but have you bought a big bunch of ovulation sticks off ebay? I find them very helpful for ttc.
blue i tried to push for testing of removed material after mc3 but im certain the hospital didnt do it. There seemed to be quite a few fuckups with my case. Anyway, i had an appointment, but the consultant was shit and there was more or less a lot of shoulder shrugging because ive had 2 easy pregnancies, then he offered me bloodtests but told me they were fairly pointless, prescribed me asprin (which i told him i would not be taking, since im allergic to it). And that was that. To be fair, i can understand why they cant really come up with a solution in my case.

monkeytree Tue 14-Jun-16 19:55:09

Hi, I have 2 dd's and had a late miscarriage last year at 20 weeks. I am ttc again but I think it is highly unlikely I will be successful because I am 42 with low ovarian reserve. I feel cheated and robbed at losing dc3 and wanted to reclaim that. Each month that goes by, I realise it is more and more unlikely. In fact, I think I would be terrified if I did become pregnant again for fearing another loss, it is devastating. Nevertheless, I'm giving it another try. However, I'm not sure I could have the strength to carry on ttc if i mc again, I guess I'm working on the premise it's not going to happen again (a pregnancy or a miscarriage!)

monkeytree Tue 14-Jun-16 19:56:28

Oh and I meant to say, I'm really sorry to hear about all the loss that has happened to so many ladies x

samk15 Tue 14-Jun-16 22:59:29

Gosh some of these are such sad stories. I'm so sorry for all of you. I don't have any living DC and I'm currently waiting to miscarry for the third time. Got to 9 weeks this time which is the furthest I've ever got. I had 2 mmc last year ( first one started on my birthday!) I am so angry. Part of me feel so defeated and I'm gutted that my body has let me down again. But I just know in my heart of hearts I can't give up yet. If i can't be a mum I don't know what else there is for me.

10storeylovesong Wed 15-Jun-16 10:56:34

Some of your stories have very much put things into perspective for me today. I've been sat sobbing as my 4th chemical in 6 months started last night after 2.5 years of ttc #2. I am so so lucky to have a 3 year old ds at home. He was born 13 weeks prem after a large blood clot on my placenta but he is now a happy and healthy preschooler. I need to focus on what I do have, and not what I don't.

I'm so sorry for all of you going through this xx

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