I'm struggling today. I miss my stillborn daughter more than I can say.

(10 Posts)
homeiswheretheginis Tue 17-May-16 14:42:27

It's been six months since she was born and buried and I miss her so much that I feel sick. I am very lucky to have another DS and a loving DH but I am really struggling today. It's gotten to the point where although I never miss her less, I miss her less often if you know what I mean. When I do think about her, it stilll takes my breath away, but I'm able to function and ever talk about her now which is something that I never thought would happen.

Most of my friends, even those that are very kind and were supportive, seem to have forgotten she existed. Everyone expected me to be over it within a month or so of her birth (I had a friend really nag me to join a night out multiple times when I declined) and I've really lost friends over this. Or rather, perhaps I should say that I've found out who my real friends are. Two friends in particular that hadn''t been as close in the last couple of year but who were my best friends for the previous decade both sent flowers and then disappeared.

I think I just feel so lonely sometimes. I find myself crying in the car a lot which is weird. My DH is supportive but I feel alone in the depth of my grief. And I feel uncomfortable crying in front of my friends, even though I know they wouldn't mind.

I just don't think the enormity of what happened hit me for months, and now it's catching up with me. I find myself looking at little girls and wondering what she would have been like. My arms are so empty. Please tell me it gets better.

ThinkPinkStink Tue 17-May-16 14:56:00

I hate the term 'read and run' but I just couldn't.

Just to let you know that there are people here, and that we are listening, and that I'm terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.

Crying in your car is not weird, feeling sad after six months is not weird - everything you are describing seems to me to be utterly normal. If you were my friend, the only reason I might not bring it up is because I wouldn't want to say the wrong thing or hurt you more.

I can not comprehend the pain that you are in, but I offer you the biggest and most unmumsnetty hug in the world.

Are you getting the support from family/partner/medical profession that you need?

(((hugs)))

homeiswheretheginis Tue 17-May-16 15:03:29

Thank you thinkpink, that was kind of you. I feel a bit like I'm howling into the void at the moment. I do indeed have all the support I need in a practical way and my wonderful DH lets me talk as much as I want. It's just that the times that I do grieve feel more painful than when she'd only just died.

Katie0705 Tue 17-May-16 15:06:08

My heart goes out to you, and like Think Pink, send you loads of hugs. Grief and bereavement is so complcated, nobody can get over a loss in a month! SANDS is a charity and provides information and support for parents who have experienced stillbirth and neonatal death, Tommy's is another good group too; both have websites you can have a look at.

There is nothing wrong with missing your baby so much, I still grieve over a miscarriage that I had 11 years ago. Have you had any help and support from your GP or Health Visitor.

As ThinkPink rightly says, there is always someone to talk to on here.

Thinking of you and lots of hugs
Katie 💐

ThinkPinkStink Tue 17-May-16 15:31:46

Good call on SANDS / Tommy's Katie

I believe (and this is only my experience, not a fact) that when something awful happens, your brain goes into protective mode and distances itself from some of the sadness and pain to allow you to get through those first few weeks. And as time passes your brain allows you to feel more of the hurt it's been hiding from you.

I lost a partner several years ago (I would not compare that to losing a child) but for me the worst part was when the world returned to 'normal' and I felt that nothing could ever be normal again, and I wanted to scream that it wasn't okay, that for me life wasn't just carrying on.

People have this view of grief as a quiet emotion - like the image of a widow weeping silently - but in my experience there at times at which grief can be furious and feel like it's tearing you apart. Do whatever you need to do, cry as much and as loud as you need to, give yourself space to shout and throw things - you are entitled to every single one of the feelings you have right now!

I'm so pleased your DH is giving you the time and space to talk it through.

(((more hugs)))

Kiss2DD Tue 17-May-16 15:50:39

I have the same feeling.....Most my friends 'disappeared' or in the other words silent after they knew what happen to me. Some of them invited me to have dinner to be in a happy mode, which upset me.....some of them just ignore what happened, and talke about shopping stuff with me.... I have nobody to talk about, even my parents...Everyone asked me to move on. They believe that I can just book a vacation house and go there for couple of days. and then I will be back with happiness and forget what happened.

They would not know that I will never be the same one....they will never understand because it did not happen to them.

Alb1 Tue 17-May-16 17:53:13

My daughter was stillborn just over 2 weeks ago, i too am lucky to have a lovely DS and DH but I understand how you feel. Iv not had to deal with this for as long as you yet but I find some moments I'm fine and then it just sort of hits and overwhelms, I lost my mum last year and that was hard but the feeling from loosing my baby is just so much more raw. Only one friend has contacted me since it happened, everyone else seems afraid to talk to me. Sorry I have nothing helpful to say, I just really hope it starts to get easier for you soon flowers

homeiswheretheginis Tue 17-May-16 20:20:35

Thank you all for being so kind. Why do people assume that you'll move on so fast after losing someone you love? It's bizarre and having friends completely disappear just compounded a really lonely situation.

I lost my mother when I was young. I loved her dearly and I still mourn her. But this is different somehow, it feels like there's a hole in me that flaps open every so often. I've never been a weepy person but I find myself breaking down. Perhaps you're right, and your brain drip feeds the pain. Because today it is utterly overwhelming and I feel so desperate and want it to stop. It's terribly unfair and makes me so angry. They couldn't tell us the reason for her death which in a ludicrous way almost seems to make it worse.

I miss her. I am lucky in that I got to see her to say goodbye (my poor aunt was never even told the gender of her stillborn baby in the 80s), but I wish I'd done more. I wish I'd slept with her in my room. I visit her grave all the time and it comforts me to have her close but every so often I'm broadsided by a wave of grief and I can't stop crying.

Howling into the void here, I know, but thank you for being kind and replying. I think I'm just desperately casting about to feel less alone. My DH is fantastic, and so supportive, but he didn't carry her and doesn't carry the same level of grief I don't think. I don't mean that in a bad way, it was horrendous for him too and he still mourns her but I think it's different.

Katie0705 Thu 19-May-16 01:47:52

Just wondered how you are today. I hope today has been a better day for you. Where abouts do you live? I know a bit about the services in Norfolk as this is where I live.
Best wishes
Katie 💐💐💐💐💐

BipBippadotta Tue 24-May-16 10:22:26

Hello Homeiswheretheginis. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I also had a stillborn daughter, 20 months ago now. It's a very hard and lonely place, and it's an extra shock to discover people you've thought you were close to can be so stunningly insensitive and selfish. However I did find that some of my friends have been brilliant and loving and supportive in ways I could never have anticipated. And not the ones I would have expected, either. With any luck you will find some sources of unexpected support as well.

I have days where I feel so bereft it's like there's a sucking wound in my chest - and other days where I feel so angry I can hardly stand it. It is, as thinkpinkstink says, a variable and often rageful emotion, bigger than you can contain sometimes, and overwhelming.

Having always been very much of the 'pull your socks up' school of emotional crisis management, I was horrified by how I fell apart - not so much in the weeks after she died, but in the months after, when I began to 'thaw out' a bit from the shock. I found it helped to remember that crying is one way your nervous system tries to right itself after emotional upheaval. It is something your body does naturally to regulate itself. So in some sense it needs to be done. The best thing you can do is go with it. And if you have days where you're feeling OK or even happy - go with that, too, and try not to feel guilty. You're going to feel how you're going to feel. Not many people will understand it, but hopefully some will try. And those who can't find a way to put their needs to one side and be kind to you really can fuck off.

I'm thinking of you, and Alb and everyone else in this awful situation. Huge hugs.

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