Sorry to all the ladies who have had a loss x I'm part of that club too, having lost my ds last February at 20 weeks. It never gets any easier writing that phrase, I lost my ds, it's there in black and white when all I want to do is forget but never can. Had he come along, he would have been so loved but because he didn't there has been so much devastation caused which still rumbles on.
I have 2 dd's for which I am eternally grateful. I have infertility issues so the journey to motherhood has not been straight forward and quite honestly I think I am traumatised firstly by the infertility and then by the loss, I can't get my head around it all there seems too much to process.
Ds died over a year ago (there I've said it again and again its equally as painful) and today started out as a fairly good day. I hid with dd2 and kids tv for part of the morning, hid in the car as I drove along country lanes to get dd to sleep and then dh arrived home to take me out to lunch (to celebrate 10th wedding anniversary). The pub was practically empty (and therefore to me blissful). It's so sad when I think that a good day involves hiding away from the world and nearly everyone in it isn't it? I have a few good friends but this week I've felt like hiding from them too. I don't always want to bore them with how I'm feeling when all they want to do is talk about the trivialities of life and the latest (usually minor) drama in their lives. So quite often instead of saying a feel like sh*t and actually I've just had a good cry, I answer the how are you with a fairly convincing (and inane smile) "I'm O.K". Well today I thought it was one of those low key not having to face toddler groups with dd2 and those many, many pregnant women who are everywhere.......and yes this is a double edged sword because I know how fortunate I am to be able to take a dc to toddler group believe me......and then.....my major trigger appeared directly opposite my house....just as I was thinking I hadn't seen her for a while. She was due a week after me and yes went on to have her baby and there she and it is as a regular reminder of what should have been. She stopped and lifted her child out of it's pram directly opposite my house and then stooped down to attend to her other pre-school child.....and my peace of mind was shattered. I was going out of the door to take a walk and take some photographs relating to a blog I am going to write - a lovely end to an O.K day and there she was.....and tears ensued with my dh standing behind me, looking on, not knowing what to say really...and then saying well at least we've got X etc. that's how he deals with it. I'm grateful to have my dd's I really am but it doesn't seem to take the pain away. I then became frustrated and rant about not being able to move forward (I had been looking at some part-time courses to pursue earlier in the day so viewed this as part of the healing process and trying to move forward) and then she appeared and I felt frustrated, jealous, bitter even hatred toward this women who had complained to me that she didn't really want to have this child of hers, yet here she was and there was her child...and yes its so unfair. I realised that it was her as much as the child that was bringing up a lot of bad feelings about myself - I realised I feel a failure and such powerlessness particularly as having another child is highly, highly unlikely now given my age etc even though I have continued to try (and that has been totally demoralising as well, the whole ttc saga and nothing (probably as to be expected). I wanted (I want) another child but I'm not entirely sure it is all for the right reasons....I want to feel in control again, I don't want to be that woman who lost a baby, I want to be a mum to 3 dc's and not 2 like it should have been......starting to sound a bit whiny now, particularly when so many women struggle to become a mother.......but you get my drift. Unless I move home, this situation will not be easily rectified either. I feel stuck because there are so many reasons to stay the main one being that my eldest dd doesn't want to move and has friends who are within walking distance (and I suppose so do I) but I honestly think that would be the best thing for me....but....I can't do it to DD. More complicated than that, thinking of sending dd2 to another school outside of the village but this comes with a massive package of guilt - that she wont have friends in the village etc like dd1 has been fortunate to have.......I feel stuck, trapped even, I'm not comfortable here but don't have a definitive place to move to either...I lost some family members along with ds (another story) I suppose my world folded at the very moment I was told there was no heart beat.....things will never be the same and just trying to make the best of it but stuck. Sorry this is so long winded I don't suppose I'm really expecting a reply to all of this........just wondering if anyone else gets this trigger sensation that knocks them sideways when they see a certain someone or something?..........
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Grief Triggers - Does seeing a partcular something or someone make things even worse?
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monkeytree · 29/04/2016 22:39
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