Struggling with everyday life

[Newstart123]

Really finding it hard going this week. Trying to concentrate at work but to be honest I'm drifting. Never really dealt with losing my baby boy at 39 weeks - took time off work - but just ploughed on through Autumn and Christmas. Returned to work feeling positive in January and thought all my prayers had been answered when I fell pregnant again . I would get to October (birth month) with a baby in my arms and all would be good. Lost that baby and although I know that a new baby wouldn't take all the pain away it would be better - but now I'm facing up to what has happened it hurts. Wanted to lose weight (3 st over my usual weight) but not in a place to do so, getting up in the morning hurts, the day just drifts and everybody else gets on with their own lives whilst I am stuck. What is the point? Really? Not suicidal (don't worry) but just tired of trauma and surviving. Already taking antidepressants due to long term depression and anxiety. Got a little girl to live for but just treading water for her. Existing - like standing outside a window watching people's lives, they seem to cope and have their 2.4 children, hobbies etc.
Sorry for the self pity. I try not to be like this but this is an outlet for it. Know so many people on here have had similar or worse situations x

[Sunflower1985]

Hey. I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't even play imagine the pain.

[KittensandKnitting]

I've just seen your post X

Please don't think for a second this is self pity, I read this and think this is a lovely lady who needs support

My miscarriages have all been early so I cannot understand the pain you must feel, but I do understand loss.

How can I help you?

[BipBippadotta]

Newstart I am so sorry. Life can be so cruel. I k ow something of how you feel at the moment. 18 months ago I lost my daughter at 40 weeks, and have had several miscarriages since. It feels like time is moving on for other people but I am stuck. Sometimes I feel physically sick with grief and rage, and most of the time I'm numb and going through the motions. But as time passes I do find I have more days where I feel a bit brighter and more like myself.

Try not to be hard on yourself about things that are difficult for you at the moment (weight loss, being 'positive'). You have gone through so much. There's a limit to what you can handle when you're grieving and traumatised.

It's so painful and so raw. My experience has been that grief for your baby is something you never really 'deal with' the way people suggest is possible. I've found it just has to work through you in its own way and its own time. And it involves a lot of mood swings and numbness and exhaustion.

I am thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

[Newstart123]

Thanks everyone. It really helps to get support from people who understand and unfortunately it seems that there are a lot of people in the same boat as me. Any loss (whether it happens in the early stages of pregnancy or late) hurts - I think that people need to open up to each other more in everyday life. The amount of people that have heard my story and have opened up about there own pregnancy losses has shocked me. Think that we all try to put on a brave face but underneath it all a lot of people are hurting for whatever reason. Having a 'logical' day today if that makes sense. Have spoken to bereavement midwife by email and she has given me some leads to counselling organisations. Sticking my head above the parapet and asking for help can be the only way forward.
Truly thankful for the support on this forum x

[KittyandTeal]

This is exactly how I feel so I'm afraid I don't have any advice.

I have been diagnosed with ptsd and have been told to keep seeing a counsellor and at some point it'll all come out.

It's so hard though. I can't focus on even the simplest of tasks. I've had a heavy week and am utterly shattered this evening.

[monkeytree]

Hi Newstart

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are in the right place on here - Kitty and Bip have been through heart wrenching devastation, yet they somehow manage to answer posts in a really supportive way. I would be totally lost without reading these ladies posts. I lost my boy at 20 weeks over a year ago and yes I do have some good days then something will come along and just knock me sideways. I have the 2.4 children you speak of and yes I am eternally grateful but it will never take this pain away, I know I have to live with it and sometimes that can seem such an enormous burden (I am unlikely to have any more children now given my age etc.) and really feel this is what I need to ease the pain. It's a bloody awful place to be. I get the surviving bit as well sometimes I feel like I've just got to ride the day out (I don't work so hide a bit some days) other days I start to make plans (only recently) and this has taken well over a year to reach this point. Please go easy on yourself, that's something I'm learning to do and that's not easy....how you describe your situation does not sound unusual. Mornings are difficult for me too. I feel stuck, trying to move forward but it is difficult, so very difficult when I feel that all I want to be is a mum to another child and it's just not happening. Bip your posts are inspirational and you write so wisely and you manage to put into words what some people feel but struggle to express.....thank you x